Day 8
Dear Ray,
I want a song named after me.
I hate how you hear this song that is really sweet and great and the name of the song is the songwriter's girlfriend or soon-to-be girlfriend. It breaks my heart, knowing that that slutty whore bitch gets a wonderful song for her. But what about me? What about my needs?
I know that sounds so whiney, but I just can't stand it. I want a song named Lily. I want a song named after me, devoted to me. I wonder if that's what every teenage girl wants. Just a little attention, you know?
Ray, if I had three wishes I'd I wish you were here.
I'd wish you played me the guitar.
I'd wish you'd write a song about me...even though your singing sucks. And Ray, don't try to say, "Oh, I can too sing!" Because I've heard you sing...and it was horrible.
But I didn't care. I smiled. I said a witty comment, and you pretended to be hurt, but we knew you didn't care at all. But when I heard you singing, all I could think was, "I love his voice." I didn't care you were tone-deaf, I didn't care at all.
I didn't care the least bit, Ray. I didn't care.
Oh...Ray, now I really miss you. I want to call you, but I still don't know your number. I don't even know your address. I know your email, and that's it. I would email you...but I wimp out.
I've changed my mind, Ray. I don't even care about the song. All I want is to hear your voice. Or see a picture of you. Or just to have the courage to say, "I love you."
Do you remember your t-shirt that you gave me a couple months ago? I put it to my nose, and I can smell you. Memories float around in my head. Ray, I miss you so much. I remember laughing with you...and do you remember that time we got stuck in the rain on the way from RFR? I remember that. I wanted to kiss you, but I shook the idea right out of my head.
And do you want to hear another thing that's utterly ridiculous? Well, Robbie wants to do a road trip to see you. See, Mr. Waller closed down the school because of the teacher's protesting for raises, which is quite humorous, by the way.
Anyway, isn't the idea so stupid? A ROAD TRIP? Like my parents would go for it. But Robbie's got it all planned out. At least, I think so. We'll bring me, Robbie, Audrey, James (you know, the guy I told you about) and maybe Travis.
I guess it would be fun. But I don't even care about all the fun. I just want to see you Ray.
Ray, do you have a girlfriend? When I come, are you going to be kissing her? Is she going to be amazingly funny, smart, and athletic? The kind of girl I really want to hate, but I can't? And are you going to say, "Lily, it's not like you loved me." And I'll fake laugh, when I really just want to cry, and I'll say, "Yes, of course." When I want to sob, "Ray! I love you! Please, Ray..."
Ray, I'm crying again.
I'm not going to send this, again. I'm too much of a coward. But maybe...if we ever do see each other again...you'll say, "Did you think about me?" And I'll say, "Ray...I wrote so many love letters to you, but they were never sent. I wrote you name over and over and over again. All I thought about was you, Ray."
And you'll smile that childlike way and...and say, "Really? Because I was the exact same way."
It's been over a week since I've seen you Ray. I absolutely can't stand it.
I love you,
Lily
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I actually am quite proud of this chapter. Don't you think it's pretty good? Well, I hope you agree.
Allie