CSINut214, Radish, Lauren... you all rawk my world... OH! And all the lovely ladies at YTDAW at work who recommend my work and quote it... I wanna friggin buy each and every one of your a friggin Jaguar.

The trek back to her apartment was, for the most part, silent. They'd glance at each other from time to time, but they had both lost the ability to put their problems into words. He'd taken to muttering 'I'm sorry' at steady five minute intervals and she'd just kept responding 'I know.'

It was a good hour before they arrived back at her place. Sara could tell he was dragging his feet as he followed her up the stairs. 'Good, he should feel like shit. I feel like shit.' An eye roll and a curse later and they were both in her apartment. She debated on whether or not she wanted a water, but decided against it and disappeared from the living area into her bedroom, making him wait by the door.

She returned from the bedroom in her pajamas and tossed an afghan at Grissom. Catching it, he stared at it as if it were a foreign object. He was so adorable when he did that... 'Back on track Sidle! You're mad at him, mad... Mad with lust maybe, you wanna get into his pants again-NO! He made you feel like a fool, move forward with the plan!'

"Wha-"

"We're gonna do this right. I'm not ready to forgive you." Cocking her head, she stared him down. "You're sleeping on the couch."

Grissom's eyes went a little wide as he looked from her to the couch and back.
"Me, sleep on that?" He looked at the olive leather disapprovingly and pouted.

"Oh yeah. That's your bed for the night, so get comfy." But as he continued to stare at her, she felt the need to expound on her words. "You see, I can believe you when you say you're sorry... but I can also make your life a living hell for the next few days for embarrassing me like that. Or... I can do both!" She smiled at him. "Goodnight!"

Sara fell to sleep that morning rather easily, which surprised her.

When she got up, late in the afternoon, she found Grissom still asleep, his face twisted in discomfort. She felt sorry for him, she really did, but there was no way in hell she was going to let him off that easy. His back would surely be in pain when he awoke and she wondered if she were some kind of backward sadist, but quickly quelled that line of thought.

The urge to have forgiveness gained was a rational one. There was some part of her that knew he had to prove just how much he wanted this, regardless of how sorry he was. He'd ignored her for so many years, produced so many sores that there was no way that she would allow him to go scot-free. He hadn't meant to hurt her; she knew that; his first instinct was to always protect himself and he had proven that.

She knew, knew, knew, that something would have to change. She couldn't change him and she kept telling herself so, but she was so very unable to let go of the fact that he couldn't let go.

Sara had decided long ago that there were two types of people: the type of people like her who threw caution to the wind for something like love, and the people like Grissom who kept it close to their heart because it was considered a weakness or dangerous... or some other excuse. 'Opposites attract, and I don't need a degree in physics for that to be true, so goddamned true...'

He shifted in his sleep and she kept her thoughts at bay, kept them from running away from her. It was true, she wanted to kiss him, suck the life from his lips and hear him moan, but that wasn't enough. She needed to know; as a scientist, she needed absolute proof that he would be there with her for the long haul.

Sara pretended to ignore the slight bit of drool coursing from the corner of his mouth but she couldn't. It made her laugh, long and low. Grissom, startled, struggled to climb from the realm of sleep. Hands found the surface of the couch and pressed himself upward to meet the last vestiges of the day. "What, sorry, huh?"

It appeared that then he felt the crick in his back and winced. "I can't believe you made me sleep here. Damn it," He rubbed his back with his left hand, "I thought you loved me." It was said in jest and in pain.

"I do love you," she reasoned, moving to the kitchen to start the kettle. "That doesn't mean I have to like you all the time."

Grissom nodded but didn't really agree. Well, he was too tired to agree with her. He'd only gotten three hours of solid sleep. "Okay, I guess." He didn't understand, and she didn't really feel like explaining to him why.

Sara glanced inside her refrigerator. "Break, uh, breakfast?" She sifted through the contents and came up with milk and eggs and searched through her cabinets for flour. "I have um... eggs and flour and could make... pancakes? If I could find my waffle iron I could make those... but that would take a while and I'm kinda hungry-"

"Pancakes are good," he reasoned and smoothed out his pants as he made his way to her kitchen table. She fluttered about the kitchen, grabbing things and slamming things and being harried. "Pancakes are great, fuck Sara, I'm really sorry, I can't say it enough."

Sara turned to him, in the midst of cracking an egg. "And if sorry covered it, I would have forgiven you, right?"

Grissom nodded a bit and cleared his throat as he swiped at his eyes again. Sara took a glance at him and her eyes gathered tears. "You love me right?" She knew he did, there was really no need to ask.

Grissom snapped his head to attention. "You know I do."

Sara dropped the wisk and spun on him. "Then fucking act like it, that's all I ask."

He was rather confused; hadn't he proved to her that he loved her? Hadn't he tried? No, he supposed not. Grissom dropped his hands to the table and spoke, loud and angry. "God, Sara, what the hell do you want me to do? Really?"

Before she could make any physical movement, she yelled. "You could let people know, god when they fucking ask you Grissom, when they ask you if you're seeing someone... you can tell Catherine why you can't go out for coffee on certain nights." Sara paused and moved over to place her hands on the table. "Grissom, I don't handle passion well, you know that... but, god I tried with you..."

Grissom didn't want to cry, he really, really didn't, but he did. A tear slipped from the corner of his eye. "Sara, this can't be...I don't... FUCK! I don't know what to say except I'll try." Grissom bit his lip, "That's all I know to say."

Sara simply stood before him and swallowed hard. "So, pancakes, chocolate chip or regular?"

Grissom reached out and grabbed her hand. "Please know that I love you," he said and stroked over her knuckles with a finger.

Sara nodded around a sob and somehow managed a smile. "I know, I know it's just that it's really hard to be mad at you, even though I need to be." She paused and he nodded. "And I really want to touch you..." Even though he was touching her, it simply wasn't enough. Grissom stood and let go of her hand and walked around the table to gather her into his arms.

"Then touch me, honey." And she did.

It wasn't better, not at all, but it was a step in that direction.