AUTHOR'S NOTES: None of the copyrighted stuff in any of these stories belongs to me. Consider this a blanket warning.
HOMESTAR AND THE BEANSTALK
Once upon a time, there was a tiny kingdom with an even tinier village in it. In that village lived a local boy named Homestar, which makes sense, because if he didn't live there he wouldn't really be a local boy. Homestar was a nice guy, and everybody liked him (possibly because of some sort of athletic skill he had), but most people knew that it was only a matter of time until somebody took advantage of his trusting nature.
"Oh, boy!" Homestar said to himself as he skipped home, holding a small bag. "Wait'll Marzipan sees these magic beans I bought! That's way better than some old food, anyway."
At home, Marzipan looked tentatively out the window. It wasn't that she didn't trust Homestar, but she knew that he did have a tendency to get distracted. But, she told herself, if you don't give him responsibilities, he'll never learn. Besides, how hard would it be to go to the marketplace and buy some food?
"Hi, sweet stuff!" Homestar announced as he skipped through the front door.
"Hi, Homestar." Marzipan replied. "Did you get the food?"
"Oh, pish tush, Marzipan." Homestar scoffed, using a term that hasn't been used at all in the past few decades. "Anybody can buy food. But it takes a twue business guy to make a puwchase like I did."
"What did you buy, Homestar?" Marzipan asked, her naturally sweet voice developing a dangerous edge. "It had better not be another quadriplegic donkey."
"Ta dah!" Homestar announced, brandishing the satchel. "Wead 'em and weep!"
Marzipan peered into the sack. "That's it? Beans?"
"Not just any beans, my dear girl." Homestar grinned, clearly enjoying himself. "They're magical-type beans!"
"Oh, really?" Marzipan asked. "What do they do?"
"Uh... I'm not weally sure." Homestar admitted. "But hey, they'll pwobably be a collector's item in a few years..."
Without a word, Marzipan tossed the beans out the window. "Marzipan, what are you doing?" Homestar asked.
"Homestar, didn't we go through this with that 'magic' broom last year?" Marzipan asked.
"Yeah, that was a wip-off." Homestar admitted. "All it did was sweep floors."
"I told you to watch out for those con men and their flashy merchandise." Marzipan scolded. "Now we're stuck eating leftover tofu casserole until next payday."
"I guess so." Homestar sighed. "But did you have to thwow the beans out the window? The bag made a cool sound when I shook it!"
The next morning, Homestar awoke with a mild headache and a crick in his back. Sleeping on the couch does that to one. Yawning and stretching, Homestar blearily opened his eyes and looked out the window. There wasn't much to see, as a large green object covered most of the scenery. "Aw, man." He muttered. "I'd better get the clippers out. That stupid fweakin' beanstalk is blocking the view of..." Homestar's eyes suddenly bugged out wide and his jaw dropped.
Meanwhile, in the comfort of Bubs' Innvern, the two con men who had sold the magic beans to Homestar were spending their money and laughing over their good fortune. Bubs, the innkeeper, was a captive audience to their boastful tales.
"Okay, okay..." Strong Bad, the masked, gloved member of the duo explained, taking time to catch his breath. "So then The Cheat gets this great idea. Why don't we loot the magician's castle? Now, it's not easy robbing a magician's castle, man. They have all sorts of nasty things running around that place that could take the flesh right off your bones. And even if you do reach the top, you'll likely get some sort of spell on you, and the next thing you know you're this ugly warty thing who can only serve the magician or something like that."
"That's funny." Bubs commented as he wiped out a glass. "I thought that old magician had kicked the bucket ten years ago, and the King had ordered his castle stripped."
"Look, man. Who's telling the story, me or you?" Strong Bad asked. "And get The Cheat another ginger ale, will ya?"
"Meh waneh!" the smaller, yellower member of the pair added.
Strong Bad continued the tale as Bubs poured The Cheat another flagon. "Let me tell you, getting through that castle was no easy task. It was like something out of Dungeon Warriors or something. But here's the thing; when we got to his hidden chambers, all we found was this old sack of beans."
"Peh!" The Cheat muttered, sipping his drink.
"I mean, what's up with that?" Strong Bad exclaimed. "We were expecting to find a bunch of cool stuff like, I dunno, a golden sword that turns stone into ready-made food, or maybe a magic powder that you can sprinkle on livestock to set them on fire, or something like that. But a bunch of beans? Some magician that guy was."
"You guys still have those beans?" Bubs asked. "I guess I could use them for a soup or something. They'd likely be fresher than anything I have around here."
"Sorry, man." Strong Bad explained. "We met some guy on the road with some money in his pocket, so we figured he looked like a sucker. I fed him a line that had to be heard, man. I told him they were magic beans! Magic beans! And he believed me, too!" By this point Strong Bad was laughing merrily. "I truly am the greatest criminal mastermind of our time!"
"Peh! Meena nah!" The Cheat protested.
"Well, okay, The Cheat." Strong Bad admitted. "I guess you were the one who thought it up, but I was the one who delivered the line with such conviction and stuff. I mean, no offense, but a lot of people can't even tell what you're saying some of the time."
"Meeh?" The Cheat asked, looking hurt.
"Hmm." Bubs murmured, looking out the window. "Maybe I could buy some beans from Homestar. From the looks of that beanstalk in his back yard, he's got some to spare."
Strong Bad glanced out the window. "You said it, man. Some people don't know how to take care of their... HOLY CRAP!" He and The Cheat raced to the window. Sure enough, his yard was home to a massive beanstalk, the leafy strands reaching to the sky, disappearing into the clouds. And Homestar was standing in front of it, simply staring in disbelief.
"Heh heh heh!" Bubs cackled. "You sold those beans to Homestar? And they turned out to really be magic? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard!" By now Bubs was rolling on the floor.
Strong Bad and The Cheat stared for a short time, until Strong Bad broke from his stupor and punted his diminutive partner across the room. "You stupid crap-for-brains! We coulda planted those beans and made millions or at least thousands off of the bean market! But no, Mr. Big Idea had to sell them for five lousy pieces of gold!"
"Weena mah! Nee!" The Cheat protested, pointing angrily at Strong Bad.
"Hey, don't try any of that buck-passing on me!" Strong Bad countered. "Now we gotta think of some way to get some money off of this. C'mon!"
The two scoundrels exited the Innvern, The Cheat spitefully kicking over a stool as he left. Bubs, oblivious to all this, was lying on his back, tears rolling down his face, clutching his stomach. "What a couple of chumps!" he chortled.
In no time Strong Bad and The Cheat had crossed the road and leaped into Homestar's yard. By now Marzipan had seen the beanstalk as well. "See?" Homestar asked. "I told ya they were magic! I told ya! Ooh, somebody was wong and it wasn't me for once!"
"That's not important right now." Marzipan said firmly, tossing a wicker basket to Homestar. "I need you to climb up there and pick those beans. We may as well..."
"Just one minute!" Strong Bad shouted, as he and The Cheat reached the yard. Stopping to catch his breath for a moment, he rounded into his fast- talking persona. "As the original owner of those beans, I'm entitled to a percentage of that! It was part of the agreement you signed!"
"Uh, I didn't sign an agweement." Homestar replied.
"Just a second." Strong Bad muttered, and turned away. A moment later he turned back, holding up a paper that said "Strong Bad gets beans. – Homestaur". "There, you see?" he asked.
"Ah, cwap. I spelled my name wong again." Homestar grumbled. "But I guess that looks legally binding enough."
"Great. I'll just wait down here until you're done." Strong Bad replied, smiling.
"I don't think so." Strong Bad whirled around to see Marzipan glowering at him. "So you're the one who sold him those beans?"
"Yeah, that's me." Strong Bad replied. "You the lady of the house or something?"
"That's right." Marzipan replied. "And if you want any of those beans, you'll have to pick them yourself."
"Lady, you do not know of which you speak." Strong Bad snorted. "Those beans are half mine."
"And the lawn is all mine." Marzipan shot back. "And the beanstalk is entirely in my lawn."
"Well, yeah, but... but..." Strong Bad's words dissolved into indiscernible grumbling. "Fine! You know what? Fine. I'll pick those beans. I'm gonna kick the crap out of those beans. And I'll..." he turned to see that Homestar was no longer standing next to him. Instead, he had climbed partway up the beanstalk already, singing tunelessly to himself.
Strong Bad's resolve solidified. "Come on, The Cheat." He growled. "We're gonna pick some beans!"
"Neh! Wunna nuh!" The Cheat protested, shaking his head.
"Oh, don't be such a baby!" Strong Bad insisted. "Just don't look down and you'll be fine!" The Cheat remained nonplussed, but after Strong Bad had began clawing his own way up the beanstalk, he shuddered slightly and cautiously began climbing after him. Marzipan watched the three forms disappear up the beanstalk with a mix of worry and annoyance.
"So, uh, ya think there's any truth to those stories of a Giant living up in those clouds?" Bubs asked from the edge of the lawn.
"Come on, Bubs." Marzipan snorted. "Everybody knows that's just an urban legend. And a pretty far-fetched one at that."
"Well, fine." Bubs grumbled as he walked back to the Innvern. "What do I know, right? I'm just the innkeeper."
Some time later, the three had neared the upper reaches of the beanstalk. Much to Strong Bad's chagrin, Homestar had been 'entertaining' them with a series of idiotic chatter that had him wishing that one of the branches Homestar used as footholds would give way. By the time Homestar had begun describing the intricacies of the foreign matter found in his well water, Strong Bad would have settled for his own foothold giving way. For his part, The Cheat was carefully and methodically climbing the beanstalk one branch at a time, never looking down and seemingly having trouble swallowing.
"So then Marzipan says to me, 'I don't think that's algae.'" Homestar continued, making a dramatic sweep with his nonexistent arms. The wicker basket slipped from his grasp. "Oh, cwap." Homestar moaned. "That was a gift fwom Marzipan's mom."
"I hope that thing doesn't hit anybody down there." Strong Bad commented. "With that sort of momentum, it'd probably fracture somebody's skull or something. Actually, that'd be kinda cool..."
The Cheat happened to glance down to watch the basket fall. It was then that he truly realized how high he actually was. The basket quickly disappeared from sight among the patchwork of fields, tiny villages and puddle-like lakes...
"MEEEEH!" The Cheat screamed, bolting up the beanstalk and affixing himself firmly to Strong Bad's chest, trembling.
"You looked down, didn't you?" Strong Bad admonished. The Cheat could only whimper in the affirmative as he clung tighter still to Strong Bad.
"Wace you to the top!" Homestar taunted, clambering up the remaining branches, which disappeared into the cloud cover.
"Stupid freakin' acrophobiac..." Strong Bad growled, climbing through the clouds, The Cheat's paws still soldered to his ribs. Finally he emerged at the top of the beanstalk. "Okay, Homestar." He began. "Now are we gonna pick these beans or..." it was then that he noticed that Homestar was staring straight ahead in rapt surprise. "...what?" Strong Bad asked, following his line of sight. Suddenly it was his turn to stare as well.
All that one would expect to see upon reaching the clouds was an endless sea of white and blue. A massive stone castle would definitely be low on the list, but that was exactly what stood before them. The drawbridge was down, and the cavernous front gate was open, invitingly.
"Cool! A big ol' door!" Homestar commented. He began to step away from the beanstalk.
"Homestar! Don't, you stupid..." Strong Bad's warning was cut short when he realized that Homestar was somehow standing out the cloud. "How the crap did you do that?" Strong Bad asked in disbelief.
"Well, I figured if a castle can sit on a cloud, I can." Homestar shrugged.
"Well, I guess that kinda makes sense." Strong Bad shrugged. He hesitantly stepped forward, and was surprised when his foot connected to something solid. At this, The Cheat finally dared to step down from his perch on Strong Bad's chest. In silent awe, the three stepped up to the gate, pausing just short of the cobblestone floor.
"Well, it's a nice place, I guess," Homestar commented, "but the commute on the ninety-five evewy day must be a weal pain."
"What?" Strong Bad asked.
"Oh! Nothing." Homestar dismissed.
"Neena wunnamanni?" The Cheat asked.
"You bet we're going in there!" Strong Bad enthused. "Haven't you heard the stories, man? This is the legendary castle of the Giant! Locked within are a collection of priceless treasures that the human mind can barely begin to fathom!"
"Oh, man. You've been weading too much Doc Savage." Homestar laughed.
"You may laugh," Strong Bad insisted. "But I'm goin' in there! Come on, The Cheat!"
"Neh!" The Cheat protested.
"Oh, come on!" Strong Bad chided. "What's the worst that could happen?"
The Cheat rounded into a long and seemingly exhaustive series of hideous worst-case scenarios. Homestar wasn't adept at Cheatese, but he definitely got the gist of it. By the time The Cheat mentioned the whooping cough, Strong Bad raised his gloved hands. "Okay, okay. I get your point. But other than that, is there anything to worry about?"
"Pehhh." The Cheat growled, defeated.
"Of course I'm right." Strong Bad boasted. "I'm always right. That's why I'm not like this guy." He commented, jerking a thumb at Homestar. Homestar grinned excitedly at being held up as an example. The trio made their way through the archway, The Cheat wearing a look of resigned disgust on his face.
Their footsteps echoed emptily as they made their way through a seemingly endless series of corridors and halls. The castle was definitely not built to their scale, and it took them a rather long time to progress through what were relatively small rooms. "I don't get it." Strong Bad spoke up at last, breaking the silence. "If I were a really big guy, where would I keep my valuables?"
"Uh, how about there?" Homestar suggested, gesturing at a door marked "TREASURES".
"Homestar, you idiot." Strong Bad sighed. "That is such a freakin' obvious place. I mean, the treasure room is the first place anybody would look for valuables. But..." he mused, "the treasure room would be the last place a clever thief would look, since it's so obvious. And therefore the treasure room would be the perfect place to hide valuables from a clever thief, because it's so obvious that they'd never look there! Oh, man." He gushed. "I truly am a genius! We'll look in the treasure room!"
"Uh, wasn't the tweasure woom my idea?" Homestar asked, still trying to sort out the angles in his head. "Doesn't that mean we were both wight?"
"Homestar, Homestar." Strong Bad cajoled. "We were right, but I was right for the right reason. Your rightness actually was a wrong rightness, or a right wrongness if you prefer. Therefore, I was right in a righter way than your right."
"Oh. Um... gotcha." Homestar said as he followed Strong Bad towards the treasure room, even though he still didn't really understand. The Cheat followed them, holding his throbbing temples and trying his darndest not to think about anything in particular.
Entering the treasure room was simple enough, via the cliched old hole-in- the-door. Strong Bad grinned triumphantly as his eyes adjusted to the golden glow of the room. "Fellows," he announced, making a dramatic sweep with his arms, "we've arrived!"
"Wow." Homestar whispered, approaching one artifact in the room, a beautifully crafted golden harp. "Check this out!"
"Forget that old thing, Homestar." Strong Bad scoffed. "Who wants some stupid stringy musical instrument when we can have all of this?" he challenged, gesturing to the pile of golden eggs that constituted the bulk of the room's treasures.
"Oh. Uh, okay." Homestar shrugged. He idly plucked at a few of the harp's strings. Unfortunately, he got a little too into the music and ended up breaking one of the strings. The harp let out a human-like scream and fell limply to the ground. "Whoa. Fweaky." Homestar commented, stepping away from the harp and joining Strong Bad and The Cheat at the pile of eggs. The eggs gleamed richly, and in the centre of them sat a badly-drawn yellow bird with woman's legs.
"Oh, man. We're gonna be rich!" Strong Bad cheered. "C'mon, The Cheat. Let's get that stupid bird out of the way so we can start bagging up these eggs."
"Mennah buh..." The Cheat piped up.
"Nah, the bird's not important." Strong Bad dismissed. "It's the golden eggs we're after, not ugly feathery things." Walking up the wall, he found and broke the shackle that was holding the bird to the wall. "Come on, pinfeathers! Get outta here! Scram! And don't crap all over my golden eggs!"
Seeing its chance for freedom, the bird promptly flew away, flapping out a window several hundred feet up the wall. However, just as it reached the window, something fell from somewhere on its body. Upon its landing, it revealed to be a golden egg. Something seemed to click in Strong Bad's head. "Wait a second... golden bird... golden eggs..."
"Menna muwanna!" The Cheat scolded.
"Ah, shut up." Strong Bad growled. "Just help me collect all of these eggs."
"Sounds good, Stwong Bad." Homestar grinned. "Then we can make a golden omelette!" After taking a moment to administer some blunt trauma to Homestar's head, Strong Bad and The Cheat were quickly able to gather all of the golden eggs into a sack. Even thought they had missed out on the infinite source of eggs, there were still more than enough eggs to make them very rich indeed.
Despite the minor setback, the trip back to the castle's exterior was a joyous one, with Strong Bad improvising a song describing how rich he was going to be, The Cheat grinning smugly, and Homestar skipping along merrily, not realizing that Strong Bad had no desire to give him a cut of their fortune.
Finally they reached the entrance once more. "Let's just set the bag here and go back to see if there are any more treasure rooms." Strong Bad said. But when he placed the bag on the cloud, it simply sank right through and disappeared. "What the crap?" Strong Bad demanded. "How come we can walk on the clouds, and a freakin' stone castle can sit on the clouds, but a bag full of golden eggs falls right through?"
"Idunno!" The Cheat protested.
"Terrific." Strong Bad groaned. "Freakin' terrific. I ask you, what more could happen? Could anything worse possibly happen?"
"FEE FI FO FUM!" A massive voice roared, shaking the entire area. The voice was joined by a series of percussive footsteps.
"Is somebody playing hip-hop?" Homestar asked. Sadly, he was proved incorrect. The three turned around and ended up face-to-ankle with the Giant who apparently owned the place, and was not very pleased to have his treasures lost. The Giant stood a full ninety feet tall, and his head and torso seemed to be part of one solid unit. Burning eyes glowered from downturned eyebrows, and a meaty hand gripped a club. The Giant made vague grumbling noises as he stared at the intruders.
"Uh, hey, man." Strong Bad choked out. "Wanna buy some... uh... Girl Guide cookies?"
"Meh. Dagga tah!" The Cheat commented.
"Hey, that's my line!" Homestar protested.
All froze as the Giant bent over, a massive hand gently but firmly closing around The Cheat. "Hey, hands off, buddy!" Strong Bad shouted. "That's my The Cheat! Get your own!"
The Cheat trembled as the Giant held him up to his massive face, but suddenly the Giant's scowl transmuted into a giddy smile. The Giant stroked The Cheat's fur gently with one massive figure. "RRRRRRRR..." he purred.
"Hey, just one minute. Wait one minute here! Time out!" Strong Bad protested, unable to restrain his protests any longer. "Now, look. I can buy the beanstalk thing, and the clouds that can support the weight of a castle, and all that. But this is going too far! My suspension of disbelief can only be stretched so far!"
"What's the matter, Stwong Bad?" Homestar asked.
"That thing..." Strong Bad sputtered, gesturing at the Giant, "could not exist! Its legs and spine couldn't support its own weight! Its skin wouldn't be strong enough to hold it together! It's basic science, man!"
The Giant seemed very distressed at this news. Suddenly he felt very uncomfortable. His hands clutched his stomach desperately, as though he feared he would fall apart at any instant. The Cheat was carelessly dropped as a result of this, but fortunately Strong Bad was able to catch him.
For a while, Homestar just stared at the distressed Giant. "Dude." He finally said. "This is a faiwy tale. It doesn't have to be wealistic."
"Oh, crap." Strong Bad sighed. "I forgot."
"RAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!" The Giant roared, seemingly confident in his molecular stability once again. The trio was barely able to avoid being smashed to paste by the Giant's spiked club, which ended up stuck in the ground. The three raced across the clouds towards the beanstalk, even as the Giant managed to free his club and thunder off in pursuit.
If it took Homestar, Strong Bad and The Cheat an hour to climb the beanstalk, it must have taken them all of twenty seconds to climb down. Even The Cheat was able to sufficiently conquer his fear of heights to slide down in a hurry. When they finally reached the bottom, Marzipan was sitting on the front porch, idly flipping through a book.
"How went the bean-picking?" Marzipan murmured absently.
"The what?" Homestar asked. "Oh! Um, gweat. And, uh, in a totally unwelated topic, where are our axes?" he fretted. Even then he could see the Giant begin to climb down from above.
"In the shed, just where they were when I asked you to chop firewood last winter." Marzipan said.
"Oh, wight. Thanks!" Homestar stammered, dashing towards the shed. In a flash he had returned with three axes. In a flurry of activity, the three began chopping frantically at the beanstalk. Despite the fact that the stalk was several feet thick and Homestar kept singing that Lumberjack Song, they were able to wear it down in a hurry. Finally, with a creak and a snap, the massive stem began to fall. The Giant lost his grip and tumbled like a gunnysack of wet manure.
"Run for it!" Strong Bad shouted. Homestar ran in one direction, Strong Bad and The Cheat in the other. The Giant's massive shadow began to tsunami over the mischievous twosome. CRASH! The Giant's landing shook the entire countryside. The Cheat happened to be standing in the space between the Giant's fingers, but Strong Bad was hammered into the ground like a stake under the weight of the Giant's arm. "Holy crap..." he muttered.
At this point, Marzipan finally looked up from her book. "You guys cut down the beanstalk?" She asked, incredulously. "Didn't you bother to file an environmental impact statement first?"
"Marzipan!" Homestar gasped. "You wouldn't believe what happened! We climbed up to the top of the beanstalk, and there was a Giant's castle! We twied to get away with his tweasure, but we lost it, and he chased us, and we managed to kill him by chopping down the beanstalk!" Homestar suddenly inhaled when he realized that he had said all of that in one breath.
"Homestar, what are you talking about?" Marzipan asked. "That wasn't a Giant! That was just that crazy guy Strong Mad in his home on top of the mountain."
"Mountain?" Homestar mused. "Oooh, so that's how we could walk on the clouds." He glanced over and saw The Cheat struggling to pull Strong Bad free from the Giant's bulk. "Uh, I hope we don't get awwested for this."
"Homestar, what am I going to do with you?" Marzipan sighed, gesturing at the destruction the Giant's landing had caused.
"Uh... cuddle?" Homestar asked, hopefully.
It was then that Bubs popped up, an armful of massive beans he had evidently picked from the felled beanstalk on his shoulder. "Hey, Homestar!" he shouted. "I got a preposition for ya! If you'll sell me these beans, I'll let you be my business partner!"
"What kind of business?" Homestar asked.
"I've been workin' on a new kind of drink." Bubs explained. "You roast beans, grind 'em up and put em' in boiled water! Who knows? It could be the next big thing!"
With some prodding from Marzipan, Homestar agreed, and on that day, StarBubs Coffee was born. Both Homestar and Bubs retired rich and successful, if over-caffeinated. Strong Bad and The Cheat left the kingdom to find some dwarves to mug. And as for the Giant's remains? Well, Bubs' second brainstorm was a fast-food restaurant, but that's another (and rather more disturbing) story altogether.
THE END
Epilogue: The Poopsmith never did find out what those strange golden spheres were that landed in his pile, but since they ended up buried deep, he figured that nobody would miss them. And he shoveled crappily ever after.
Next Installment:
Strong Saderella