THE CHEAT PRINCE

Some time between the fall of the Roman Empire and the invention of flush toilets, there was a modest little kingdom, complete with a modest little castle and a modest little princess. Princess Marzipan was a kind and gentle soul, and often could be found cavorting in her garden conversing with the various woodland creatures. Some people in the kingdom pined for the good old days of bloodthirsty kings and generation-spanning wars, but Marzipan was adamant that no icky blood and stuff would get all over her pretty kingdom.

It was almost a disgustingly sweet scene as Marzipan made her rounds, greeting the local fauna and occasional flora as they appeared. "Hello there, little bullfrog." She would say. "Nice to see you, tigerlily." She would gush. "Ooh! Lagomorphis Tracheania!" She gasped as a butterfly flew in front of her face. "I didn't see you here yesterday. Did you have a cold?"

Her rounds were interrupted abruptly when she looked down and saw a fuzzy little wad of golden fur, chestnut spots dotting its back, and chocolate eyes peering brightly into hers. Marzipan stopped and stooped a little closer. "Hello, little fellow." She murmured. "Could you be a... The Cheat? I hear they're quite rare in this area." There was no mistaking The Cheat's unique physiology, which baffled zoologists worldwide, even then. "You're kind of cute, little guy." Marzipan cooed, tousling the The Cheat's fur gently.

"You're not too bad-lookin' yourself, babycakes." Rasped a hoarse voice. Marzipan's head jerked at the sound, but she was unable to discern where the voice came from. Surely it could not have come from that little The Cheat; it was a known fact that The Cheats possessed mouths unable to pronounce English words properly.

"Over here, sweetface." The voice rang out again, and Marzipan tilted her head down. "No, here." The voice chided. "Right here. Yeah, that's right. That furry little thing right in front of you." There was no doubt about it. The voice was coming from The Cheat.

"How are you..." Marzipan's question trailed off at the sheer impossibility of the situation. The Cheat hardly seemed fazed.

"Yeah, I guess I am pretty extraordinary." The Cheat shrugged. "Sometimes I even impress myself."

"But The Cheats can't talk!" Marzipan protested. "It can't be done!"

"Maybe not your run-of-the-mill The Cheat." The Cheat rationalized. "But I am no ordinary specimen. I'm really not a The Cheat at all."

"You're not?" Marzipan asked.

"No way, Princess." The Cheat scoffed. "In fact, I once was just like you. Except... more royal and way less female."

"You were?" Marzipan questioned.

"You got it, cute stuff." The Cheat beamed. "I used to be a Prince. And we're not talking those wussy prissjobs with puffy hair. No way. I was the hottest guy in three furlongs, I had a kingdom so big it was too big to mention in one sentence, and had enough riches to put this place in out of business. No kidding. My kingdom woulda made yours look like a place where they feed pigs. In mud. Where they feed mud to pigs in mud."

"Well, how did you get like this?" Marzipan asked, peering closer into The Cheat's seemingly guiltless eyes.

"Well, you know the story." The Cheat shrugged. "Some old witch or sorceress or... conjurist or something put some kinda spell on me because I was way hotter than her. I may have turned her down at the high school prom or something. So, she turned me into this."

"How terrible." Marzipan grieved, lightly stroking The Cheat's fur. "Changing one's species is such a hard thing to get used to..."

"But you can help me, doll." The Cheat piped up. "If you can turn me back into my totally royal, princely self, I'll be able to get my kingdom back. Then there's the riches, and the massive kingdom, and heck, I'll even marry you. Believe me, babe. Ladies from the world over would beat themselves with a variety of heavy sticks for that privilege. I'll get you outta this half-rate kingdom for good. Whaddya say?"

"How could I possibly change you back?" Marzipan asked.

"The witch's spell can only be broken one way." The Cheat explained. "I had to travel far and wide, and find a fair lady whose heart was kind and... uh... pink, and then get her to kiss me, for the power of true love can break the spell. Or some crap like that."

"You want me to kiss you?" Marzipan asked, warily.

"That's the deal, sister." The Cheat purred, batting his eyebrows. "After all, you did say I was cute..."

"I'm just not sure it's a good idea..." Marzipan whispered, leaning closer.

"Come on, Princess." The Cheat said. "Plant one on me!"

"Well..." Marzipan fretted.

"Knnnnxxxxxx... shrxxxxxzzzzxxxkkkk..." The Cheat replied.

"What?" Marzipan asked.

"Uh, heh heh." The Cheat simpered, grinning sheepishly and madly fumbling with something behind his back.

"What's going on?" Marzipan demanded.

"Kkkkssshhhh... uh, sorry, Princess." The Cheat stammered. "I had a bit of congestion or something somewhere. But, uh, don't let that stop you from kissing me or anything."

"Well, that was..." Marzipan started to say.

"Shhhhhkkkkksshhh...." The Cheat suddenly rasped. "Kssssshhhhkkkk... Car 304, we have a 231 in process at the corner of.... Shhhhrrrrnnnnxxxx... bringing you all of today's hottest tunes from our studio in.... Krrrrxxxxxxx... that comes to $4.30, pull up to the third window... shnnnnnxxxxkkkxxxx..." The Cheat's facial expression became more and more frantic, and his awkward fumbling grew all the more desperate.

Marzipan was about to demand an explanation, but suddenly The Cheat's voice rang out once more. "Come in, The Cheat! The Cheat, are you there? I lost you for a second, there. I knew we shoulda sprung for stronger relays! The Cheat, come in! Did she kiss you? Did you grab her necklace yet? The Cheat, come in!"

Moving too fast for the flustered creature, Marzipan reached over and grabbed the walkie-talkie which was hidden behind The Cheat's back, which also was the source of the voice, which continued to call for The Cheat. Marzipan shot a lethal woman-scorned glare at The Cheat, who shrugged ineffectually and put on his best "Where did that come from?" look.

Strong Bad, crouched in the nearby bushes, shook his own walkie-talkie in frustration. "Stupid cheap imported junk." He fumed. "This thing doesn't walk-ie, and definitely doesn't talk-ie. Good thing we didn't pay for them..." his reverie was interrupted when his walkie-talkie's twin soared from the heavens and impacted his head. "Ow! What the crap?" he growled. "I don't recall asking for the flying model with violent tendencies..."

"MEEEEEEEEHHHH!" echoed across the glen. Glade? Glen. Uh, place with grass. The cry was followed by an involuntarily airborne The Cheat, who landed on the same landing strip that his walkie-talkie had chosen.

"Ow!" Strong Bad repeated. "The Cheat, what the crap are you doing here? You're supposed to be fleecing the Princess, not trampolining!"

"Meh! Yeena wuh naana!" The Cheat spat, ruffling his fur.

"Oh, what, so this is my fault?" Strong Bad asked, incredulously. "Oh, yeah, man. That's a good one. Tell me another one. I could use a good flagrant mistruth."

"Yeena muh." The Cheat growled, kicking the walkie-talkies away. "Peh!"

"Whoa! You kiss your mother with that mouth?" Strong Bad asked.

"Neh! Peema wah nulla nah! Feh!" The Cheat hissed.

"No, The Cheat. I wasn't... I know you told me never to talk about your mother, but... oh, come on, The Cheat!" Strong Bad protested, his outraged baritone mixing with The Cheat's mile-a-minute falsetto as the two con men made their pained exit, gesturing frantically into the sunset.

Hey, wait a minute. What kind of time period did this take place in? Oh well. Maybe nobody will notice.

THE END

Next Installment:
MacBeth