AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, loyal and reportedly good-looking readers. The Crisis is over, and it's back to the classics for me. Something tells me I'm gonna get some letters about this one...
INEVITABLE LORD OF THE RINGS PARODYThe world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was, is lost, for none now live who remember it.
((It is at this point Strong Bad steps in with the good old mute button, puts Kate Beckinsale out of her misery (and ours), and takes over the role of Omniscient Narrator.))
Uh... look. Thanks a lot for coming out for our production of the... Land of the Rings or whatever this is called, but... well... we're gonna have to cut this one short. Otherwise, it'd take about, like, nine hours to read, and we don't want to be held responsible for you guys ending up in a coma, or injured when your computer monitor becomes top-heavy and falls on your head or something. 'Cause at our budget there's no way we could afford legal counsel.
"We can't afford health insurance either!" Strong Sad whines. "In fact, I'm still limping from that scene in..."
Shut up. So, without further ado, or adon't, we're gonna skip right to end. And believe me, we can do this. I've got the remote, man. Not to mention I can, like, screw with the contrast and turn everything green and stuff. So, here we go! Overblown climactic battle scene, T-minus NOW!
"Strong Bad, you can't do that!" Strong Sad blubbers like a whiney little whiner-thing. "You need to establish the backstory! And stop narrating when I speak! I wasn't whining!"
Yeah, whatever. Fine. You guys want backstory? I've got all the backstory you can handle! I'm like the 24-hour backstory outlet mall here! Let's go back to the beginning, where we meet the only cool character in the story.
Once upon a time, in the land of Middle Free Country, there lived a totally wicked-awesome guy known as... SAURONG BAD!!! Oh, man. He was the greatest. He had, like, a cast-iron wrestling mask and razor-spiked boxing gloves and junk like that. He was seriously awesome, man. If he wasn't fictional, I'm sure we'd totally hang out together at the Frozen Flavours shop and stuff like that, hitting on that pencil-girl at the counter. But, I digress. Now, Saurong Bad saw that all of the other losers in Middle Free Country were making super-duper rings for themselves so they could control the populace. So he figured, what the heck. I'ma make a ring of my own. I can do that, 'cause I'm the coolest. So he made a Ring of his own, only he made it so it was way better than all the other rings. Heck, it even said so right on the Ring:
"This is the most totally awesome Ring there ever was and likely ever will be. Your rings suck."
Only he wrote it in, like, calligraphy or fancy pen crap like that. This was one pimpin' ring, I'll tell you. I find it a true testament to Saurong Bad's utter awesomeness that he was able to be a total babe magnet even while wearing jewellery. It takes the most awesome of awesome to pull a look like that off, man.
Now, if it was up to me, we'd just end the story here. But unfortunately, there's a load of stuff going on here. Saurong Bad figured that he should be the ruler of Middle Free Country, and quite personally, I don't have a problem with that. But all of the other losers in that realm did, and there was this big war between them and Saurong Bad's army of Goblins. And let me tell you, it was a freakin' inspiration, man. Saurong Bad was out there beatin' the crap out of everybody with his awesomeness. And also a big freakin' sword. But the fun and games ended when he ended up pounding the snot out of some guy who was a King or something. The King's son didn't know enough to stay out of it, and in a totally lucky shot that I really wish we coulda called the refs on, ended up cutting off the Ring. And, uh... I guess I forgot to mention that Saurong Bad had made it so the Ring was his life force or something, and so that made him blow up and turn into a cloud. Hey, man. Nobody's perfect. Well, except me, but that's not important now.
But Saurong Bad was still the coolest, after all. Now, anybody who wore the Ring would be swayed by his residual awesome, and they'd be all compelled and stuff to return it to his sinister and well-decorated lair so he could get his body back. And the only way to get rid of the Ring would be to throw it into the fire that forged it, but that was in the middle of some smelly old volcano, so it's not like it was Party Mix Central or anything. But that King's son was a few Cold Ones short of a six-pack, and he fell and hit his head or something and lost the Ring in a waterfall. So Saurong Bad was out of commission for a while. But, you can't keep a cool man down, and eventually somebody found the Ring, and it changed hands a few times, most of those hands belonging to really dumb people, until finally it ended up in the hands of our so-called heroes. Now they're on an epic and... overly-descriptive quest to destroy the Ring before Saurong Bad can make another attack and get the Ring back. Right now he's this big glowing green eye. Cool, huh?
Now can we go to the story...? Oh, wait. Right. Here's a quick list of all those other characters in this story. Read: none of them are even close to Saurong Bad's awesomeness level. We're talking beyond comparison, man.
We may as well start at the bottom. First we have the ever-emotive Fromestar Runnins. He inherited the Ring from his dirty old uncle and he thinks that he can get the Ring all the way to the volcano without being swayed. Pshawww. Yeah, right. He dresses horribly out of style and has really goofy-looking feet. I don't know how he's survived this far, man. Whenever a battle starts, all he does is stand around looking stunned until somebody knocks him over and/or stabs him. Hopeless, man. Hopeless.
Fromestar holds his sword aloft. "Hooway!" He shouts. "I'm going to wescue Pwincess Zelda!"
But he's not alone on his quest. He took his freakin' gardener along for no apparent reason. Maybe he thinks he'll be in need of... cultivating? I just don't get it, man. Why not take, like, the milkman and his super no-refill-bottle-powers with him while he's at it? Anyway, rake-boy is yet another loser with weird feet; Strong Sam.
Strong Sam sighs to himself. "The things I do in the name of classic literature."
And... uh... there are two more of those big-feet guys in there, too, but... uh... how can I put this? We kinda ran outta people to play them, and it doesn't really matter, since all they do is act like morons and get in a lot of trouble. So, don't bother looking for them, because they're totally not in this story. And I couldn't be happier.
Oh, yeah. And then we have a group of guys who were supposed to be protecting the Guy Who Holds The Ring, but instead, they mostly just ran around in confusing subplots. First of all we have Arapom, who's supposed to be a King or something, but instead he spends his time riding across the countryside on his horse and refusing to get a haircut. Freakin' hippie. He's pretty good with a sword, but I don't see how that covers up his glaring lack of charisma.
Arapom raises his sword and bubbles something in an ancient tongue. I think. It's hard to tell with that guy.
And then there's Zegolas, a skinny guy who dresses in green and likes shooting stuff with arrows. He's a bit of a wimp, actually. If I had him as a travelling companion, I'd have him hanging from a tree by his undergarments in about ten minutes, man. For real.
Zegolas pulls back his bowstring and aims wobbily, failing to notice that the bow is backwards and he's aiming for his own eye. "Check out this shot, yo!" he yells.
TWANG!
Ouch. He's gonna feel that one in the morning. And the afternoon. And maybe a few evenings, even, depending on his schedule. Oh, and that brings us to Bubsi, a loud, hairy guy who likes hitting things with axes. And that's really all there is to him. Oh, and he dresses like a Viking for reasons I'm not even going to consider asking about. I just thought I'd mention that.
Bubsi swings his axe around. "Ah, like you folks don't have hobbies, right?"
And then we have... oh, man. I had almost forgotten about this guy. The crazy old man himself, Randolph, the Wizard of Town. Words alone cannot describe how utterly loserly this guy is. Let's go to a flashback to a somewhat pivotal point around the three-hour mark:
--
The Fellowship had successfully crossed the Bridge of Thatguys-Dumb, but the vicious Balrogdor continued to stalk them, his beefy arm waving a whip, his breath setting the musty air of the Mines of Morons aflame.
"Ya want I should take 'im out, Mr. Wizard?" Zegolas asked, readying his bow. "I'll give it to him right between the ol' eyes, like... ouch!" his bow suddenly snapped back, smacking him hard in the face.
"No, no. He's much too powerful for you, boys." Randolph replied. "I shall take him on single-handedly." He waved his staff around for emphasis. "Watch and learn, boys! Most people would be delighted to see a mighty wizard in action! Doo hoo hoo!"
He dramatically stepped onto the stone bridge over the bottomless chasm, just as the fiery fiend stepped onto the other side. "Now see here, you great ugly beast!" the Wizard of Town scolded. "You've gone far enough! I am the mightiest wizard in this area! You cannot pass! You cannot..."
He was interrupted by a large cracking sound. Both he and the monster looked down to see that the beast's incredible tonnage, joined by Randolph's hardly-trim girth, had caused the bridge to crumble. "Oh, dear. I knew I shouldn't have had that third breakfast back at the Homeshire." Randolph muttered, just before the entire edifice collapsed, sending both him and the beast tumbling into the black void. "Um, birdies? A little help, here? Please? Birdies? Yoo hoo! Birdies! Any time, now! Doo hoo? Hoo?" his voice echoed for a moment, and then he was gone. Fallen to the shadow.
The Fellowship simply stared at the pit and the abyss that had claimed their sage. Finally Fromestar dared to speak. "Not bad. But I've seen David Copperfield do it way better."
--
Ecch. I feel less cool just reading that. And the worst of it all is that he still didn't freakin' die, if you'll believe it. Oh, no. He came back with an outfit that was even gaudier than his first one, and a white horse. I guess the horse is the only guy in the kingdom who could match him at the buffet line or something.
And then, since we need at least one girl in every story (I think it's some sort of law or something), there's Princess Marzwpyn. And no, that's not a typo. Man, you know you're in trouble when your name is like a nightmare Scrabble hand. She's your typical modern-minded woman trapped in a period piece, just in case we've missed a cliché. You know, she wants to fight in the all-guy army and stuff like that. On the plus side, she's sufficiently hot. I wouldn't mind giving her a ring, if you know what I mean...
Princess Marzwpyn, acting totally out of line, slaps Strong Bad across the face with the hilt of her sword and storms off.
Hey, that's not very professional, missy! You can be replaced, you know! I've still got that Cream-of-Wheat girl's phone number around here... somewhere...
Anyway, who's left? Oh, yeah. Saurong Bad had two henchmen running around as well. One of them was the leader of the... uh... Night Riders or something like that. Wasn't that the show with the talking car? Anyway, the leader was a big guy in black called the Big-King. Which is a real dumb name, I'll readily admit. And there also was The Cheat, a wretched if somewhat cuddly creature who became obsessed with the Ring years ago. Beats me, man. Maybe he's got a thing for shiny stuff. He's been following the good guys for some time, and even tricked them into wandering into some big bug's cave. However, they got away, which isn't all that impressive. Running away from a bug?
Well, that's about... oh, wait a minute. And at one point in the story they ran into some weird guy who talks funny and serves no purpose to the plot whatsoever. You guessed it – our old friend Homsar Bombadil!
Homsar Bombadil dances around. "Dya-a-a-ah! I tripped over my lambas bread!" he shouts.
Well, that's about it. If you're still reading this, your butt must be number than Homestar's head by now. For your convenience, we'll drop you off where Fromestar and Strong Sam are climbing the volcano try to destroy the Ring, while the rest of the characters are all battling Saurong Bad's awesome forces in a Battle Royale. With cheese. Here we go! I'll turn the narration back to that guy who writes this stuff. Whoever he is.
--
The battle raging miles below was intense, but the true heat was coming from the boiling lava in the Mountain of Moron. Ash and sulphur choked the air, and the entire mountain rumbled from time to time. All in all, not a pleasant place to be. However, it was not enough to waver Fromestar's optimism. By this point, I honestly think that nothing could.
"This is so cool!" Fromestar announced as he climbed. "Isn't the view tewwific, Stwong Sam?"
"Oh, uh, yeah." Strong Sam sighed to himself as he tried not to look down. "I don't think I've ever had a more enriching hike in my life."
"Hey!" Fromestar suddenly exclaimed, bringing the climb to a dead halt. "I can see my house fwom up here!"
"Uh, yeah. That's probably because Poopsaruman set it on fire." Strong Sam replied, shading his eyes at the massive fire burning on the horizon, the inky smoke reaching high into the sky.
"Yeah, you're pwobably wight." Fromestar conceded. "I think I'll woast some marshmallows on that fire when we get back." He added.
"I hate to tell you this, Mr. Fromestar, but I don't think we'll be going back home." Strong Sam lamented.
"Why? You wanna live here?" Fromestar was incredulous. "Sowwy, but that's kinda weird. The view is nice, but the lack of bathwoom facilities takes the wesale value down a few notches."
Little did the intrepid pair know that dark, gleaming eyes were peering at them from behind a rock. A golden tooth glinted menacingly. "Reh heh heh heh." The creature cackled. The time for revenge was soon.
Meanwhile, the battle wasn't going too hot. The good guys had a lot of faceless extras fighting the Goblins to a draw, but most of the main characters weren't around. Randolph was staff-fighting those Night Rider guys, and Princess Marzwpyn was riding around the battlefield yelling at the bad guys for mistreating their elephant-things, but the rest were missing. Arapom, Zegolas and Bubsi had snuck off the night previous and nobody knew where they were. Men, Princess Marzwpyn thought to herself. Probably out hitting the taverns at all hours instead of showing some responsibility, as usual.
Her thoughts were interrupted when she saw that the Big-King, who had caused all of the casualties on both sides of the battle, had just struck down her uncle. Who was, uh... that guy... well, it was her uncle. That's good enough for you, right? Not pleased at this act of unclecide, she rode over for a confrontation.
The Big-King wasn't a very eloquent guy, but his point had come across well enough when he yelled "I BEAT YOU!" at his victim. It was then that he noticed the brave Princess glaring up at him.
"SCREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAM!" The Big-King's annoying dragon-thing roared in the Princess' face. The scream was interrupted by a decisive slap.
"Back off! Go home!" Princess Marzwpyn scolded the dragon-thing, staring it right in the eye. The beast burst into sobs and flew off, dumping its mount off behind it. The surly Big-King clambered to his feet, bringing himself back to his full height.
"BAAAAGH!" the dark behemoth roared, smashing his sword to the ground. Not that the sword actually hit Princess Marzwpyn in the space intervening, of course. The Big-King had troubles seeing through that ridiculous helmet. He stared at the Princess, his eyes burning. "NO MAN CAN BEAT ME!" he boomed, reciting the ancient prophesy that gave him his considerable might. Only in fewer words.
"I am not a man!" The Princess wittily rejoined, pulling off her helmet to reveal her long blonde hair. Actually, that didn't really prove anything, because most of the guys in this place had long blonde hair as well. Nevertheless, the Big-King was suddenly shaken with the realization that he was battling a lady-type.
"AAAUUUGGGH! COOTIES!" he screamed. And then he imploded. Freakin' wimp.
Princess Marzwpyn sighed and had a boring conversation with her dying uncle. She then turned back to the still-raging battle. Where were those three wastrels, anyway? She knew it wasn't logical that three warriors could turn the tide in a battle with literally millions of participants, but it was the principle of the thing, blast it all.
Her bitter thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of several ships of unusual design on the nearby shore. "Is it Mardi Gras already?" Marzipan asked herself aloud. As she approached the ships, suddenly three familiar figures leaped from the lead ship to the beach.
"Hey hey Princess!" Bubsi cheered in greeting. "Let's get this party started and the heads a-rollin'!"
"Well, I hope you boys have been enjoying yourselves." Marzwpyn accused. "So nice of you to show up."
Arapom bubbled something in his defence.
"Yes, I know, I'm sorry." Marzwpyn sighed, softening. "I guess it's just the war or something, but I've just been so stressed lately. I don't know... while I was clubbing those Goblins over the head back there, I began asking myself what I really wanted to do with my life, and then..."
Arapom bubbled something comforting.
"So, anyway, you should see what we brought for ya!" Zegolas interrupted. "We brought an army of dead guys!"
This was enough to shake the Princess from her depression. Now she was really ticked off instead. "Dead guys? How will that help us? We have enough dead people on the field right now!"
"I'll bet they ain't like these guys!" Bubsi responded. "C'mon out, fellahs!"
Suddenly a glimmering blue figure wearing sunglasses and a cowboy hat jumped from out of the ship. "Ah!" he declared. "I love the smell of... uh... arrows in the morning. Corpse Commandos, let's rock, rock on!"
He was quickly joined by an army of similar beings in various stages of army dress. "Graduating class of the Third Age rules!" they shouted before rushing into battle, mowing down Goblins like they were nothing.
"Well, you didn't say they were such... proactive dead guys." Marzwpyn added.
"Check out this one, yo!" Zegolas shakily aimed his bow once more. "I call this my trick shot!"
"Hit the dirt!" Bubsi yelled. TWANG! The arrow careened off wildly. It bounced off some guy's shield, went right through a Corpse Commando who didn't even notice, made a funny rebound off of a rock, and ended up jabbing a Goblin who was riding one of those elephant-things right in the rear. The Goblin slipped off the elephant and, in his attempts to stay on, ended up pulling the beast over, crushing a good portion of his own army.
"Heh. Works every time!" Zegolas announced.
"C'mon, guys!" Bubsi rallied. "Let's start hittin' folks on the head already!" the three warriors, backed by the Princess, returned to battle.
Meanwhile, Randolph approached the abandoned remains of an elephant-thing and looked around in curiosity. "Is nobody interested in this fine tenderloin?" he asked. When nobody responded, he eager whipped out the steak sauce.
By this point Fromestar and Strong Sam had finally reached the entrance to the volcano of Mount Dumb. There was an outcropping of relatively stable rock, and far below was the lava pit. The destruction of the Ring was one good toss away.
"Ah, nothing like a good sauna." Fromestar enthused. "I wonder if there's a Jacuzzi here too?"
"By this point I'm beyond caring." Strong Sam sighed. "Just toss that ring in the pit and let's get out of here."
"Well, somebody woke up on the gwumpy side of town this morning!" Fromestar scolded. "All wight, I'll destwoy the Wing alweady, Mr. Cwanky-Pants."
"Just a few more pages and we're done... a few more pages..." Strong Sam reminded himself.
"NEEEEEEEEHHHHH!" Howled an inhuman voice as a golden blur shot out of hiding, directly at the pair. It savagely knocked Strong Sam to the floor and stared at Fromestar, eyes gleaming at the prize hanging around his neck.
"Oh, look, Stwong Sam! It's that cute little puppy-thing again!" Fromestar cooed. "And it looks like he still wants to play!"
"He's not trying to play, Mr. Fromestar!" Strong Sam replied, tackling The Cheat to the ground before he could pounce again. "He wants the Ring! Destroy it while I hold him off!"
"Okay, okay." Fromestar dismissed, stepping towards the edge. "Mr. Bossy Guy."
"Hurry!" Strong Sam yelled as he wrestled The Cheat further.
Fromestar picked up the Ring and stared at it. Very shiny. In fact, it seemed even shinier in the glow of the volcano. "Y'know, Stwong Sam, I've been thinking." He murmured dazedly, oblivious to the brawl raging behind him. "This is a weal nice piece of merchandise and all. I think I just might keep it."
"Mr. Fromestar, no!" Strong Sam yelled as The Cheat struggled to escape. "It's the evil of the Ring! It's poisoning your mind!"
"Poisoning my what?" Fromestar asked.
"Uh, never mind." Strong Sam conceded.
"And it's weal cool when you put it on..." Fromestar mused, raising the Ring.
"Don't do it!" Strong Sam shouted. He may as well have been shouting at the wind.
WHOOSH! The instant Fromestar put on the Ring he was gone. "Stealth mode!" his disembodied voice cheered.
"No!" Strong Sam shouted, shoving The Cheat to the ground and racing towards the spot where Fromestar stood. All he found was empty air.
"Hewe I am, Stwong Sam!" Fromestar's voice came from behind him. Strong Sam spun around, but once more was unable find anything. "You can call me Doctor Invisible!" Fromestar's voice taunted. "I'm making faces at you wight now and you can't even tell!"
"There is no time for this!" Strong Sam huffed, his arms fruitlessly waving at what he couldn't see. Fromestar sang a little song as he pranced around, giddy with power.
It was then that The Cheat picked himself up, wiping the dirt off of his mouth. His eyes burned with fury. He let his senses guide him; the echoes of that idiotic voice bouncing off the volcano walls, a light scent, and... two large footprints in the ash-laden dust. With a shrill cry he pounced, grabbing onto something that was unseen and yet definitely there.
Strong Sam was knocked to the ground in the fracas as The Cheat thrashed wildly on top of his invisible prey. "Ouch! Hey! Get off me!" Fromestar shouted. "Down! Off! Bad boy! No tweat!" The wretched creature made his move. A glimmer of a golden tooth. A loud chomp matched by a cry of pain from the again-visible Fromestar. And the Ring bounced to the floor and rolled up to Strong Sam's feet.
"Stwong Sam!" Fromestar sobbed. "He bit my finger off!"
"What finger?" Strong Sam asked.
"Oh! Uh... never mind." Fromestar shrugged as he continued to grapple with The Cheat.
Strong Sam looked down at the glittering trinket at his feet. "I've been dragged over every mile of this Eru-forsaken countryside." He murmured to nobody in particular. "I've been attacked by Goblins, nearly eaten by a spider, captured twice, almost drowned, frozen and killed by heat-stroke..."
"Yeah, we oughta do this more often." Fromestar smiled at the memories.
"Not to mention." Strong Sam continued. "That everybody we meet thinks that there's something going on between us for some reason."
"Yeah, that's just dumb." Fromestar agreed.
"And it's all because of this stupid Ring." Strong Sam declared, leaning over and picking the shining object up. The instant he touched it incredible light flooded his senses. A brilliant green eye dominated his vision and a deep voice echoed through his mind.
"GOOD WORK, MAN." The voice boomed. "NOW, PUT THE RING ON AND WE'LL RULE THIS PLACE TOGETHER, OKAY? I WAS YELLING AT THAT OTHER GUY, BUT HE JUST WASN'T LISTENING TO ME."
Strong Sam stood stunned as the influence of the Ring washed over him. Were he to yield to it, he might actually be repaid for all of the pain, discomfort and terror he had experienced over the past nine hours. Finally he made his decision. "I'm getting rid of this Ring before somebody writes another book about it." He said with finality, tossing the unholy artefact over the edge.
"LOSER!" the deep voice spat before it disappeared.
"NEEEEEEEEHHHH!" The Cheat screamed, wrenching himself from Fromestar's grasp and bolting towards the edge.
"Hey! That's mine! Get your own!" Fromestar yelled, also running towards the flaming pit. The both of them jumped over the edge, both determined to get the Ring at whatever cost.
Strong Sam sighed. On one hand, the trip home would be a lot quieter and a whole lot less stupid. On the other hand, it wouldn't make for much of a happy ending... With one decisive movement, Strong Sam reached down and grabbed Fromestar by the ankle, stopping his plummet to certain death. "Uh, you know, Stwong Sam." Fromestar commented as he dangled upside-down. "I guess I don't weally need it that bad. Maybe when we get home I'll get a new one fwom the gum machine."
Meanwhile, The Cheat plummeted in free-fall, determined to catch up to the object of his obsessions. Finally he grabbed it from the air and clutched it selfishly to his chest. He cackled to himself in satisfaction and squeaked out something that sounded for all the world like "Precious."
His joy was short-lived when he remembered that he was still falling into a boiling lake of lava. The instant he hit the inferno he screamed and rocketed straight up, blasting clean out of the cone of the volcano, his posterior still on fire. The Ring fell out of his grasp and was quietly consumed by the malevolent fire that had forged it.
Out on the battlefield, things were grim for our heroes. The Corpse Commandos were a great help, but now Arapom, Marzwpyn, Zegolas, Bubsi and Randolph were surrounded by sinister Goblins, who were looking to take them out in a last-ditch effort. The five heroes made a bold stand with sword, bow, axe and staff, but it appeared to be for naught.
Suddenly the entire area shook like a leaf in a hurricane. All turned and saw the cone of Mount Dumb erupt in a violent explosion, scalding lava blasting in all directions. "OH, CRAP." The Eye of Saurong Bad yelled as his tower began to tip over. As one all of the Goblins abandoned the battle and ran towards the toppling structure in an attempt to slow its fall. They only succeeded in squashing themselves flat when the tower impacted the ground with incalculable force, the crash echoing for miles. The sound heralded the end of Saurong Bad's grip on the land for once and for all.
"We did it!" Zegolas cheered. "Those little guys musta destrayed the Raeng!"
"Ah, dangit!" Bubsi fumed, kicking the ground. "I was lookin' forward to fighting some more! I was just gettin' warmed up!"
"I hope that eruption doesn't kill any indigenous plant growth." Marzwpyn declared, gravely.
Arapom bubbled his concern for Fromestar and Strong Sam.
"Well of course, I hope they're alright too." Marzwpyn insisted. "But if I had to make a choice between them and the plants, well..."
"Hmm! Who is that?" Randolph gestured with his staff. All turned and saw a masked figure with boxing gloves dragging himself out of the wreckage of the tower.
This was not a good day for Strong Bad. Some idiot had destroyed the Ring, which had killed the power to his big green searchlight and megaphone, with which he had fostered the illusion of Saurong Bad's return for years now. The tower falling over was only added injury to insult. "Freakin' Hobbits." He growled to himself, dusting himself off.
"rrrrrrreeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHH!" suddenly a still-scorched The Cheat, who had attained Jordan-level air from his blast out of the volcano, plummeted from the heavens and landed squarely in Strong Bad's arms.
"What the crap... The Cheat?!" Strong Bad angrily demanded. "Where have you been? What happened to the Ring?"
"Yeena wuh nummana!" The Cheat growled.
"Ahem." Somebody piped up. Strong Bad looked up and saw two swords, a bow, an axe and a big ol' stick aimed right at him.
"Oh, uh... hey guys!" Strong Bad stammered. "Who's up for a... uh, riddling game?" A blast of flame from Randolph's staff, and the two were sent scurrying over the horizon, looking for refuge. And Calamine lotion.
Meanwhile, Fromestar and Strong Sam were still alive, if only barely. The eruption had coated the mountainside with deadly lava, leaving only a small raised rock outcropping for the weary pair to rest on.
"Okay, okay." Fromestar said. "I spy, with my little eye, something that is owange, and weally hot, and all over this place."
"Molten lava?" Strong Sam sighed for the seventeenth time in as many minutes, wishing he had the strength to throw himself in. Getting burned alive could hardly be less painful.
"Wow! You guessed again!" Fromestar exclaimed. "That's like, what? Seventeen in a row? You're good at this, Stwong Sam!"
"Maybe I should retire from this game." Strong Sam suggested.
"Good idea!" Fromestar agreed. "Okay, what else could we play? Oh, I know. What am I gonna say next? Sid Mithrandir or Sid Baromir?"
"Oh, I don't know." Strong Sam sighed. "Um, Sid Mithrandir?"
"Nope! Sowwy." Fromestar laughed. "I was thinking of Sid... Isandulir!"
"Mr. Fromestar, that wasn't even one of the choices!" Strong Sam moaned, lying flat on his back.
"Yeah, you're pwobably wight." Fromestar shrugged. "It happens." He casually glanced at the smoke-filled sky. "Hey, look! Birdies!"
"Likely vultures." Strong Sam replied. "I hope they start with the jugular."
"Hello, boys!" Rang out a familiar voice. Both looked up and saw none other than the Wizard of Town astride two of his elegant Yello Dellos.
"Wandolph!" Fromestar exclaimed. "You came back! Where were you?"
"It's a long story, my boys." Randolph explained as his avian familiars landed on the rock, ready to transport the lot of them away from this place. The golden birds helped lift the exhausted pair onto their backs and flew off.
"A long story?" Strong Sam sighed as they disappeared over the horizon. "Are there any other kinds in this place?"
--
Poopsaruman stood silently (like he could stand any other way), observing his torching of the Homeshire. A small victory, to be sure, but it was enough for him feel some sort of fulfilment.
CLANG! He was suddenly knocked unconscious through judicious pressure of garden rake to the back of his skull. As he blacked out, he pondered the irony of a mute character playing a character whose power resided in his voice...
"I'm a very sorry, Mr. Poopatina." Senor Wormtongue drawled. "But I've got a certain apologetics to hang with you."
--
((We now return you to the far superior Strong Bad-ized narration))
Well, that about wraps it up. The good guys win and the cheering and the bad singing and the blah blah blah. After that, Arapom took his place as King, and married some girl who showed up in the first movie for like ten minutes but we forgot to mention. And oh yeah, Fromestar wrote a book. Knowing him, it was probably ten pages long, eight of which were drawings he made of legless kittens or something. I don't think it really matters, though, 'cause after that happened, pretty much everybody got on a boat and sailed away to some place or other. Except Strong Sam. They left him behind, because really, who would want to be on a sea voyage with that guy? Ten minutes of listening to him, and you'd be marooning him in open water or something.
"That's not right!" Strong Sad whined like the wimp he truly is. "Actually, after the fall of the Third Age and rise of the Age of Men, the..."
Oh, whatever. The point is, you missed the boat, man.
"No!" Strong Sad should seriously have something better to do. "Actually, my character married..."
Yeah, yeah. Sound the bell, 'cause this story's over, man. Way over. Heh. Can you imagine if somebody actually made a movie out of this?
"Actually, they did." Strong Sad said, sounding like the whine of the ocean waves on a muggy day. Which sounds really annoying, may I add. "It won several Academy Awards for..."
Why didn't I hear of these movies, man? I'd better check them out!
"They have Liv Tyler in them, though." Strong Sad warned.
What?! Oh, man. Freakin' Hollywood ruins everything!
THE END
Next Installment:
Movie Musical Montage