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Sesshoumaru-sama woke her up that day. He said that they were leaving. She got up, suddenly wide awake and ready to go. The sun was just coming up over the hills and the day was still early. Rin looked around, and saw Jaken-sama standing in front of Ah and Un. He was pulling at the reins with all his might, but Ah and Un still wouldn't move. She wanted to help Jaken-sama, so she ran over.
"Jaken-sama? Let Rin try."
Jaken-sama didn't seem to want her help, but he stepped aside anyway. Rin tugged at the reins. "Ah, Un, let's go."
Ah and Un stood up and obediently followed her as she walked beside Sesshoumaru-sama. Jaken-sama walked on the other side of Sesshoumaru-sama. Rin wondered why Jaken-sama seemed so annoyed. She had gotten Ah and Un to come for him. Maybe he was mad that she got to lead Ah and Un. Maybe he thought that An and Un liked her better. Rin didn't want Jaken-sama to be upset, but she wanted to walk with Ah and Un. She handed Jaken-sama the reins back later anyway, when she wanted to pick some berries. He didn't say anything or change is scowling face when he took them from her, so she wasn't sure what Jaken-sama was mad about. Maybe he was just grumpy all the time.
She stopped for a moment to kneel and gather some berries that had fallen on the ground when something in the dirt caught her eye. Something sort of shiny. It was a coin, half buried in the dried mud beside the path. Rin picked it up as well. She looked at it, mesmerized. She had never had a coin before. She had only seen them, and had rarely been allowed to even hold them. Other people had coins, but never her. She ran to show Sesshoumaru-sama what she had found.
"Look, Sesshoumaru-sama! Money of Rin's own!"
He said nothing, but Rin didn't care. She quickly ate the rest of the berries that she had found, and looked at the coin more. She rubbed at it to make it clean, and held it up to the light. Having a coin meant that you could buy things, not just beg for them or steal them. She could actually buy something--something of her own. Well, not here she couldn't. Not on a path in the wilderness. She would have to wait until they were somewhere else. Rin wondered how long that would be. Sesshoumaru-sama didn't seem to like to go into villages or towns much, and only traveled across the lands.
But the path that they were on came near a village by the end of the day. Sesshoumaru-sama started to walk in the other direction, but she stopped him.
"Sesshoumaru-sama, can Rin go spend her coin?"
"As long as you buy food for yourself first," he finally said. "Jaken, take her closer. Rin, come back when you're done. We'll be over the next hill."
Rin smiled and happily walked alongside Jaken-sama as they went partway down the hill to the village. She tried not to laugh, but Jaken-sama was having a hard time since the grasses were almost taller than he was. As they neared, she saw pretty lanterns hanging among the buildings. They must be having a festival. The other village had had festivals, too, but Rin was seldom welcome or invited to participate. She mostly just sat and watched, as the other children and villagers had fun. But no one would know her here, and she had her coin to spend. She suddenly felt even happier.
"Look Jaken-sama, they're having a party!"
"Eh? Some sort of festival?" He suddenly looked at the village, as if he hadn't been paying attention before. "So they are. Say Rin," he said, suddenly producing a coin similar to hers out of his clothing, "could you get me some of the special sake?"
Rin took the coin, happy to do something that he asked. "Why doesn't Jaken-sama come with Rin?" she asked. Jaken-sama looked like he really wanted to come.
"Because!" he said, as if the answer was obvious. "Just do it?"
"Sure, Jaken-sama. You're not still mad at Rin, right?"
"For what, girl?"
"For taking Ah and Un away?"
"What?" He looked confused. "No."
"And you like Rin, right? If Rin gets you the sake?" she asked.
"Yes, fine, fine. Just come back when you're done," Jaken-sama mumbled as he began to walk back up the hill. "You can find your own way from here."
"Yes, Jaken-sama!" she called after him.
Rin easily made her way to the village. She waved to an old man that sat it its edge as she passed, and she was soon among the houses. There were already many people in the streets, and many things to do. No one recognized or knew Rin, and many just assumed that she was another (perhaps well-to-do) child when they saw her clothes. An additional child of a rich family visiting the local lord, or maybe someone whose mother simply saved to make her one nice gown. Rin ran around the festival, happy that no one told her to go away. She played games with other children, watched other people dance and play, and ate lots of food, some of which was free.
She remembered Sesshoumaru-sama's words, though, and bought herself some to take back. Then she spent the other half of her coin on a small wooden comb for her hair. She wanted to keep it nice and pretty, like it had been after the lady had washed it. Before she left, Rin even managed to get a man to give her the sake that Jaken-sama wanted. The festival was still going on, and Rin knew that it would continue into the night. But she had had fun and seen everything that there was to see, so she left to go find Sesshoumaru-sama. Turning her back on the village, she walked away into the night.
"Where you goin', girl?" a man's voice suddenly came out of the darkness.
Rin turned around. It was the old man that had been at the edge of the village that evening. He was still there, apparently, sitting and keeping guard.
"Oh, it's you," the man said when he saw her face. "You're the one that came in earlier. I thought maybe one of our kids was sneakin' out. None of my business, but where you gettin' to so late?"
"Rin's going to meet Sesshoumaru-sama," she said, not seeing a reason not to answer him.
"Sesshoumaru, eh? You know, I wondered, I did, why a nice girl like you would be goin' around with a youkai. You look normal enough. I was a bit worried at first, but you didn't do nothin'. Just a human girl."
Rin was confused as to what the man was talking about. "Rin's human," she said a bit uncertainly.
"So why you travelin' around with a youkai?"
"Youkai?" She wasn't traveling with a youkai.
"That tall white figure on the hill. I saw him just for a second, I did, before he went away and you came along."
"Sesshoumaru-sama?"
"So that is the youkai's name, eh?" he said. "I thought maybe Sesshoumaru was someone besides the youkai that you were with."
"Why does Sesshoumaru-sama look like a youkai?"
"I can spot 'em a mile away, I can. They just look different."
"You look different from Rin," Rin said. The man did look different--he had long gray hair, and a scar across his face that ran under an eye patch.
"Not different like this!" the old man exclaimed, pointing to his face. "Scary different!"
"Sesshoumaru-sama's not a youkai," Rin said. The words came out a lot less certain than she had intended.
"Oh, so he didn't even tell you, did he? And a baby like you really wouldn't know the difference, eh? You really should stay here, girl."
"Why?" Rin was becoming more confused and upset by the minute.
"Well, I myself can't think of any reasons 'cept bad ones that a youkai would need a little girl for. He's probably lyin' to you for some reason or another. Youkai don't keep humans around very long--kill 'em or eat 'em, they do."
"Sesshoumaru-sama isn't a youkai! Sesshoumaru-sama is nice!"
"Nice! Stupid girl! Youkai don't go around bein' nice! Youkai are mean, tricky, merciless creatures that would kill you as soon a look at you."
"Rin knows that! That's why Sesshoumaru-sama isn't a youkai!"
Rin had had enough of the man's talk. She suddenly turned and ran away from the village. She heard the man's voice come through the dark after her.
"Fine! Run away! But I'd run in the other direction as that youkai if I was you!"
After the man's shape disappeared into the dark and all that could be seen from the village were the small balls of light that were the lanterns, Rin stopped. She pushed his words out of her head, and ate some cake that she had bought to make herself feel better. She hurried over the hills in the dark night, making for the one that Sesshoumaru-sama had pointed to earlier in the day. She didn't want to get caught by any youkai. Youkai. Could Sesshoumaru-sama really be...? Rin once again pushed the thought out of her head. She soon spotted him in the dark next to several trees, sitting with Jaken-sama and Ah and Un. She gave Jaken-sama his sake, and sat down across from Sesshoumaru-sama, not even thinking to watch Jaken-sama's response. As she finished what she was eating, what the man said came back to her. This time she couldn't get it out of her head. She glanced at Sesshoumaru-sama out of the corner of her eye.
He couldn't be a youkai. He wasn't like what people said youkai were. Youkai were big and scary monsters with fangs and claws. He wasn't like that, though his nails did seem a bit like claws now that she thought about it. Rin stared back at the ground. A youkai wouldn't be nice to her; if he were a youkai he would have killed her by now, wouldn't he? So he couldn't be one. But it would explain some of the other things that she had wondered about. She had just assumed that he was different--in appearance, in actions, in...everything, she realized. She glanced at him again. He was unlike anyone she had ever met, in so many ways. But he wasn't scary like youkai were. Rin looked at him again. She decided to simply ask him if he was a youkai, sure that the answer would be 'no.' But when she opened her mouth, a slightly different question came out first.
"Sesshoumaru-sama, what's a youkai?" Both he and Jaken-sama seemed surprised by her question, so she repeated it. Then Sesshoumaru-sama asked her what she knew about youkai.
"People tell stories about them. Youkai are scary monsters that come out at night when it's dark," she said. "They kill people. Rin's scared of youkai."
"So what do you want to know?"
Rin paused. She wasn't sure what she wanted to know. She knew what youkai were, she thought, or maybe she didn't. Sesshoumaru-sama acted as if what she had just said about youkai was correct. So that's what youkai were, or were they? She started to say something several times, but it kept getting mixed up.
"Is Sesshoumaru-sama a youkai?" she finally asked, wondering if he would really answer her question if he was.
"I am." He did answer, and he didn't deny it.
What the old man had said was true. But Rin wasn't suddenly afraid. If he really was a youkai, and had wanted to hurt her, he would have done so by now. Instead, she was confused. If Sesshoumaru-sama was a youkai, maybe she was off on what youkai were. He was nice, something that didn't come to mind when she thought of youkai.
She told him so, and he agreed that youkai weren't nice, which confused her more.
"How can Sesshoumaru-sama be a youkai?" she asked. "Youkai are supposed to be mean and scary."
"Youkai do whatever they want to."
Maybe some youkai were good and some were bad then, just like people. Maybe Sesshoumaru-sama was a good youkai. There were some people that weren't good, maybe there were some youkai that weren't bad.
She asked him about good youkai and bad youkai, but he said that there wasn't a difference, and that all youkai probably did good and bad things.
"Sesshoumaru-sama is good to Rin," she said.
"I suppose," he said, not looking in her direction.
"Does Sesshoumaru-sama do bad things, too?"
"I suppose."
Of course. That's what youkai did, bad things. Still, he hadn't done anything bad to her.
"Then Sesshoumaru-sama isn't nice to everyone?" she asked.
His eyes rested on her once more. "No."
She wondered why he was nice to her, then. He said that youkai did whatever they wanted. Was there a reason that he wanted to be nice to her? But there was another question in her mind, one that had to be asked, though she wasn't sure that she wanted to ask it, or hear the answer.
"Does Sesshoumaru-sama kill people, too?"
He stared back at her, and answered without shifting his gaze. "Sometimes," he said flatly.
She looked at the ground. He did kill people, just like other youkai. Not sure what else to say, she switched subjects. She asked him if he looked different because he was a youkai, and he said that he did, even saying that some youkai could look like what they wanted. She asked him more about youkai, and he answered her. Jaken-sama and Ah and Un turned out to be youkai, too. Rin had suspected that Ah and Un were, but she wasn't afraid of them since they listened to Sesshoumaru-sama. She hadn't known what Jaken-sama was, as he seemed too small to be a youkai. But apparently there were also small youkai.
The other things that Rin had thought might be youkai were as well. The things in the woods and the scary dog man were like the youkai that she had heard stories about. Regardless of what Sesshoumaru-sama said about there not being good and bad youkai, Rin thought that those were definitely bad youkai. They wanted to kill her and eat her, and they were scary.
There was a small silence then. So Sesshoumaru-sama was a youkai. But he wasn't like the other youkai that she had seen.
"Sesshoumaru-sama doesn't want to eat Rin," she said.
"No."
"And Sesshoumaru-sama doesn't want to kill Rin."
"No."
"Then why should Rin be afraid of Sesshoumaru-sama?" she asked.
"Should you?"
"The man said so. Because Sesshoumaru-sama is a youkai."
"Most humans are afraid of youkai. Are you?" he asked.
"Yes," she said. But did that mean that she was afraid of him as well? "Scary ones," she added. "But not Sesshoumaru-sama--or Jaken-sama and Ah and Un. Sesshoumaru-sama was nice to Rin. Rin doesn't like mean and scary people, either."
"I see," he said. Then Sesshoumaru-sama told Jaken-sama that he could speak again. Jaken-sama had been listening, and had tried to say something twice, but Sesshoumaru-sama had cut him off. However, it seemed that Jaken-sama didn't have anything left to say, and he walked away to go to sleep.
Sesshoumaru-sama said nothing else and Rin asked nothing else. She looked at the ground again, and absently drew pictures in the dirt with a stick as she thought. So he was a youkai. She wasn't as confused anymore, but she felt almost deceived, a little betrayed, even. She wasn't sure what to do anymore. The person that she had attached herself to wasn't who she thought he was. Sesshoumaru-sama wasn't even a person, he was a youkai. Though he had never told her or pretended that he was human. In fact, he had even seemed surprised about what she had asked. Had he assumed that she'd known? She decided that he must have. That was why he kept asking her why she followed, as if there was something off about her doing so.
Rin supposed that she should have seen it. She should have seen it every time that she looked at him. But when she first saw him in the woods, she didn't see a youkai. All she saw was a person who was hurt, someone she could help. Later she didn't see a youkai, but the person that had been nice to her. Then she saw the person who had gotten her food and clothes, and had protected her from scary things. She sometimes found things odd, but she didn't question them. Tonight, a lot of things that Rin had wondered about had suddenly become crystal clear.
But he was a youkai--one of the things that she had always, always been taught to be afraid of. Even the people in the village who didn't like Rin told her to run if she ever saw a youkai. Sesshoumaru-sama was a youkai, but she found that she still wasn't afraid of him. Everything she remembered suddenly told her that she should be afraid, though, very afraid. The few people that they had met had all had the same reaction when they saw him. Even other youkai that they had seen had been afraid of him. Very scary youkai were afraid of him, even though he hadn't been scary. She briefly wondered if he could be. Other youkai wouldn't be afraid of him without good reason. Rin knew that she should be scared of him as well, but she just couldn't be.
He had never done anything to her, and she hadn't seen him do anything to anyone else. Though that didn't mean that he didn't. He admitted that he killed people--answering her question without even thinking about it. He said it simply and naturally, without it even bothering him. That was what youkai did--kill people. Everyone knew that. Youkai killed people, which was why people should stay away from youkai. But people killed people, too, she realized. It was people that killed her family, not youkai. And while youkai might kill people, she still had no reason to be afraid of this particular youkai.
He hadn't tried to kill her. People had threatened to kill her a lot in the village, she realized. Villagers told stories about evil youkai, when they weren't that nice themselves. They were just as mean as any youkai when they wanted to be. Rin suddenly remembered one time in particular when she had been caught taking rice out of a hut. One of the woman's older sons had hit her so hard that she thought that he was going to kill her. People had never been nice to her; a youkai had. But youkai were youkai. Weren't they?
Rin realized that she was tired, so she moved over to Sesshoumaru-sama's side and lay down without thinking about it. She started to reach for his hand, but stopped when she saw it. Rin looked at it, as if really seeing it for the first time. There were the marks and the claws on his hand--a youkai's hand. She suddenly wondered if she would have come this close if she had known in the beginning. Would she have followed after him? Should she even now? She still wasn't afraid, but something just seemed wrong about going with a youkai. It was all so confusing. Was he Sesshoumaru-sama, or was he the youkai that everyone feared?
She looked at his hand a moment more, before she finally took it, making up her mind. Sesshoumaru-sama was Sesshoumaru-sama, the one that had been nice to her, and she would stay with him. Nothing else mattered.