To: "Neko Kaoru"
From: "Neko Kate-Chan"
Requirements: Yami No Matsuei, Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Humorous, Fluffy, Angst
Author's Touches: Dictionary quotes
Author's Notes: Thank you for taking part in the competition. Here is your gift fic, Definitions, in which Hisoka ponders the meanings of certain words with varying reactions. Amazingly, on my random MP3 list, .hack/SIGN's opening theme 'Obsession' started to play. Fitting, ne?
Also, my computer really hates this fic for some reason. It's shut down three times for no reason on it. The power just goes. Therefore, I've decided that I'm going to finish this. But forgive me if it seems a little short. That's because I've written every paragraph about three times now… Sarcsasm just doesn't work when you've already written it three times over…
Definitions
I sit there, all by myself in my apartment. I have nothing left to read except the Bible or the Dictionary. Sighing, I decide against the Christian teachings for today, looking around for a pen and paper. When I was in hospital, I used to play a game. I'd write down words that I thought I knew the meaning of and look them up in the dictionary to see if there were any other meanings.
I managed to find a pen that worked and started to write my list. Let's see…
"Love… Obsession… Belonging… Partners…"
Well, aren't I the romantic one? I just sit there, staring at those words and knowing that I was going to regret looking them up.
So, first… Love… A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance: Sexual passion. Sexual intercourse. A love affair.
Ah, well, lets make a little checklist shall we… Deep, tender, ineffable (whatever that means) feelings of affection towards someone. Check. Arising from kinship. Check. Attractive qualities. Hell, if I wasn't attracted to Tsuzuki I'd have to be blind… And deaf… In fact, I'd have had to have never met the guy. Big check for that one. Underlying sense of oneness? Yeah, I guess I feel that towards him too… I desire him, I'm attracted to him, I think I'm supposed to be with him… But we aren't a pair… We have no emotions of sex… I can't even imagine Tsuzuki's reaction to me suggesting that to him. No passion, no intercourse, no affair. Just plain unrequited love.
Well, at least he'll always have me to fall back on if his relationship with anyone else fails…
Yeah, I'll keep telling myself that I'm happy being the back-up plan…
Next next next… Obsession… That thing, that Muraki does. That weird creepy, 'I'm watching you' thing… Well, apparently obsession is an irrational motive for performing trivial or repetitive actions against your will syn: compulsion or an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone syn: fixation.
I really want to disagree. Muraki is definitely not doing anything against his will. I'll admit, it's compulsive and unhealthy. However, all of us, we're all obsessed with Tsuzuki in some way. I'm obsessed in that I love watching him, but that's justified by the way I love him. That the only way I can love him at the moment is to watching… It sounds like I'm a stalker. I'm not. I just genuinely love him, you know?
Muraki… Just wants him… He wants to own him. Muraki's obsession is different from mine. He is obsessed because he will do anything just to get Tsuzuki.
Muraki's obsession is wrong.
Am I just trying to justify to myself why I should be with him?
Okay, next word on the list… Belonging… To be proper, appropriate, or suitable: A napkin belongs at every place setting. To be in an appropriate situation or environment: That plant belongs outdoors. To be a member of a group, such as a club. To fit into a group naturally: No matter what I did, I just didn't belong. To have in one's possession. Often used with to: "The earth belongs to the living" (Thomas Jefferson). To be a part of something else: These blades belong to the food processor.
Right… Well, let's see… To think of myself as 'proper' or 'suitable' seems strange… How could that definition link to belonging at all? But then I guess… I'm the only one who lasted longer than a few months with Tsuzuki. So does that mean that I am… appropriate? That it is suitable to be his partner?
Am I appropriate for my surroundings? Well, no, not really. I'm a kid! But I guess I'm jaded enough for the job. If anyone doesn't belong in this environment, it's Tsuzuki. He still cries when he have to send spirits on… I got over it after we had to send on a girl who had been killed by her brother. Some idiot was trying to keep her alive using dreams… We broke through it and she left… Shortly after that Rainbow Bridge got blown up. Strange ne?
But Tsuzuki does fit into the office in a way that I don't. He can talk to everyone and get on with everyone. He can be the life and soul of the party, while I stand at the edge of the room with a slight smile, nervously wondering if I'm intruding… It's stopped recently… It's mainly because of Tsuzuki's insistence that I remain glued to his side. God knows why…
To have in one's possession? Well… I am definitely owned by Tsuzuki. Not in the l33t way… But yeah, Tsuzuki owns me. All of me. I don't deny it. I'm happy to be his…
The last definition of belonging… To be part of something else… I am, aren't I? I'm part of a friendship… No, I'm part of a partnership. That's deeper than friendship, I think. Which makes me wonder, I know Tsuzuki is a part of me, but am I a part of him?
I hastily scribble down my next word to look up. Partners.
To be partners: One that is united or associated with another or others in an activity or a sphere of common interest, especially: A member of a business partnership. A spouse. A domestic partner. Either of two persons dancing together.
Er, well, some of those don't apply. Me and Tsuzuki don't dance together… Unless you assume that the games we play to avoid talking about how we feel are a kind of dance… I guess they are in a way…. In fact, this mess is just one big dance between everyone. We shinigami are caught in a dance with Muraki, with each other, with ourselves…
Well. We aren't spouses (oh how I wish!) or in a business partnership. Not, it's different… We aren't together in a business way, but we aren't together in an emotional way… I wish there was a dictionary definition for what I'm looking for… I want something that defines the difference between partners in love, partners in business and what Tsuzuki and I are… Partners who are… like police partners… but not… Erm… I sound crazy… I'm gonna stop…
I'm depressing myself here…
I sigh, taking myself out of my cold, empty kitchen and tucking myself into bed. I think I'll spend my day off angsting if it's alright with the world…
I'm worried about Hisoka. No, I'm more than worried. I'm whatever that word is that's more than worried. Yeah, that's what I am. He's been taking a lot of days off recently. Tatsumi covers for him but I'm pretty sure something's wrong. It wasn't until I cornered Tatsumi and outright demanded that he tell me what was wrong with my partner that he backed down and told me that Hisoka was suffering from mild depression.
Naturally, I went crazy. First at Tatsumi, then at Watari, for keeping it secret at me, and now I was going to see Hisoka to slap some sense into him. Hell, what right had he to be depressed? I was the one who was sat around waiting for him to let me in… Ever since Kyoto he's been almost… scared of me…
"The blackest omen. Our compatibility is zero. But… She said all we have to do now is climb."
Hisoka had said that. And I had believed him. Shortly after than, everything went to hell. Yet when Hisoka came to get me… I believed those words of that fortune-teller. But now… Now I think she might have been horribly wrong.
I don't knock at the door. If he's moping, I wanna catch him in the act. I walk straight in, and the first thing I see is that the light is on in the kitchen. I walk in, but there's no Hisoka. On the table is a scrap of paper covered in Hisoka's neat handwriting. Hell, even that kid's DOODLES look neat…
There were a few words underlines, beneath them were some meanings. Beside them appeared to be a checklist…
I felt my heart rate increase just looking at them. The words, the meanings… the doodles… (Hisoka is very artistic you know! When I say doodles, I mean doodles on par with CLAMP (Card Captor Sakura) or Masashi Kishimoto (Naruto). No really, he's a good drawer!) I dare to believe.
I remove my shoes, my anger at him dissipating. I find him, curled up in bed. How… cute… He's clutching the pillow… I take a few steps inside the room.
"Tsu…" he breathes. I blink. Is he? I start to panic.
Oh my god he's having one of those kinds of dreams! He'd be so embarrassed if he found out I was here! Oh god, he's waking up! Must hide! Must hide! But where?
Being the idiot that I am, I choose under the bed, so naturally, he steps on me before we've got anywhere.
There is a shocked silence, while I marvel at my stupidity and Hisoka takes in that he's actually standing on top of me.
Then he slowly turns bright red.
I clear my throat.
And Hisoka bursts out crying.
To say I'm confused is an understatement.
I can't believe he's here! This isn't fair! This really isn't! I probably just made a fool of myself…
But, er, why is he on the floor?
"Tsu-" I don't manage to finish my sentence. I dive back into bed, aware of a certain something and how utterly embarrassing this is.
"I was told you were depressed so I came to cheer you up… Seems like you're already pretty happy though…" Tsuzuki can't help but tease me. I hate him for it at this instant. The embarrassment, disappointment that he doesn't return my feelings and self-hatred just rise to the surface and I launch myself at him. He's surprised, but he catches my arms before I've landed a blow and I find myself pinned under him on the floor.
"Ne, what was that for, Hisoka?" He asked. I looked anywhere but at his eyes.
"I just… I hurt so much, Tsuzuki… I lost it… I'm sorry. You should probably go so you don't have to deal with someone like me…" I whisper. He looks mildly hurt but then he scoops me up in his arms. I just blink stupidly. He puts me down on the bed, and I'm vaguely aware how suggestive it is.
"Hisoka… The definition you're looking for… the thing that will help you understand… can't be found in the dictionary…" He says. I blush, so he saw that idiot dictionary thing. Damn… no wonder he's so jumpy…
"It's soul mates. There is no dictionary definition. Only those who are soul mates can define what they feel. And it's different for everyone," He says. I just blink at him, the words sink in. I lay there, embarrassment, anger, depression forgotten. Then…
"There's no definition for us, Hisoka. We have to figure it out for ourselves."
I just jump him then, snuggling into his arms unashamedly.
"I love you Tsuzuki," I whisper. I don't know if he hears me or not, but his arms tighten around me.
And he's right.
Right now, I can't define anything.
I'm just so happy to be here, with him, in his arms.