Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings and if I did i would be attacked by erin in her great attempt to mug the middle of earth of all its shinies... so HAHAHAHAHAHAHA you can't sue me cuz i admited it HAHAHAHAHA! and i don't own jaws.

A/N: This will probably my best chapter and i owe a lot (okay maybe just a shiny nickel...) to Redda for helping with this chapter.

Chapter Six: Moria

And there the company stood, outside the front door to Moria. (Yes they decided that they not even climb that screwed up mountain and went straight to Moria.) Gandalf was standing impatiently in front of the door trying to figure out the friggen password.

"Lemon, melon, pineapple, spleen..." muttered Gandalf to the door, yet it stood there, not a care it the world.

"Gandalf this is boring would you just figure out the password so we can go in?" Merry complained but only to be bitch slapped by Bippen for speaking out of turn.

"Shut up!" Gandalf replied in his normal rasping voice.

"Come on!" Borimir said.

Bite, Bite, Snap

Borimir stopped his obsesive biting and went back to talking, "We've got nothing to do you old senile fool!"

"Then amuse youself by throwing Bippen into the lake."

Bippen looked horrified at the company as the slowly circled around him, a glint of madness in each man's eye.

"Just so his fright lasts," said Frodo, "We don't throw him in until we can see the white of his eye!"

Bippen quickly got some black paint and painted his eyes, strangely enought, black.

"Damnit," Aragorn muttered, "Hell, lets throw him in anyway."

And before you could say, "That should be shot", Bippen was in the lake, tiny fishies feeding greedily on his toes.

So knowing that if he tried to get out that he would be pushed back in by the company, he resumed swimming/half drowning.

(Now would be a good time to get the Jaws theme song and play in the background...)

Suddenly the Jaws theme song could be heard, yet no one knew from who. Finally, the song got to the climax and seemed as though something should pop out...

"That's your cue." said an almost imaginary voice.

"Oh sorry."

Suddenly a giant octopus/angry hissing cat popped out of the water. It flailed its tentacles everywhere. No on knew what to do so by instinct they threw Bippen at the monster. The octopus/angry hissing cat ate him in one bite but seemed still hungry...

"Hurry we have to get inside!" said Sam pushing open the doors to Moria.

"I thought these damn doors were locked!" said Gandalf looking very frustrated.

"No!" Frodo said as if it were obvious.

With the giant tentactles flailing behind them, theyquickly ran into Moria.But before they could close the giant stone doors, the octopus/angry hissing cat spat Bippen out and through the door.

"Damnit!" Aragorn said, "I thought you were friggin dead!"

"Nope," Bippen said happily not really realizing he was not wanted.

"Man," saidLegolas, "Turned down by an octopus/angry hissing cat. If you can't do better than the we like gag me with a spoon!"

"ELFUASCK YELDASU!" Gandalf said and the spell caused his staff to light up in flames (good flames though).

The company of nine slowly moved through the dank caves. Legolas, of course, the slowest condsidering he was simultaneously trying to braid his hair and walk through the treacherous caves.

Borirmir quietly hummed astanza of "Happy Trails" (which proved rather difficult considering he was biting for his ear at every break).

"Don't make me use this!" Aragorn said, gesturing towards his ski mask.

But Bippen was in high spirits and was also in the mood for some singing...

"WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE," Bippen yelled, "A YELLOW SUBMARINE, A YELLOW SUBMARINE, WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW-" Gandalf wacked Bippen squarely between the eyes.

"OW!" he screeched, "THAT HUR-" Whack.

Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack.Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack.Whack.Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack.

Gandalf stopped. His once white staff was stained with red, Bippen's blood.

Thump. Thump.

The all heard the sound of the goblin drums. Quickly they all (Even Bippen who was somehow not dead...) ran through the caves into a large open hall. And before you could say, "YOUR HEAD LOOKS LIKE A YELLOW SUBMARINE!" the company was encompassed by trillions of goblins. Not even Aragorn's face could save the now. Strangely enough, they were all looking at Legolas.

"Your highness," said a goblin walking up to Legolas and trying to be as sexy as possible, but wasn't doing a very good job, "We are at your service."

"Like OMG!" said Legolas, slowly pulling his skirt up his leg, "I have more attention then I like know what to do with!" The orcs drooled icky green drool. Aragorn rolled his eyes.

"Can we get on with this battle thing already." he asked, securing his ski mask, "I'm getting sick of having to wait for everything!"

Meanwhile Legolas was modeling for the orcs, giving the company time to escape to the bridge next to the exit.

"Hurry! Before it collapses!" shouted Gandalf

"It's not gonna collapse you stupid pessimistic bastard!" said Borimir (do i need to even put that he was biting for his ear?)

Suddenly a deep rumbling came from within the cave. Everyone looked around in horror. And before you could say, "Like gag me with a spoon!" the Barlog came from deep within the caves rumbling.

"I'll save everyone from this fiery hell!" screeched Gandalf.

"Stupid, son of a bitch," Bippen mumbled still remembering his beating from the old fart and his stick. And suddenly without warning, the little angry bobbit pushed Gandalf off the bridge and into the dark abyss below.

"Dumbass Bippen!" Frodo said, "Why did you do that!" Frodo pushed Bippen off the bridge. But Bippen landed with a thud on a small ledge. Frodo whispered something in Sam's ear.

Sam headed for the beginning of the bridge. "Excuse me Barlog," he said politely. The Barlog moved and then Sam made his way to the ledge and kicked Bippen the rest of the way into the abyss. He then politely got back in his place and the Barlog terrorized them once a gain.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I've got you this time you ugly son of abitch!"said Aragorn removing his mask.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," the Barlog replied, screamingin terror at the horrible site in front of him and he felloff the bridge and into the abyss.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Legolas replied yelling after the Barlog, "I love u! I'll be back my sexy little flame of death, doom and destruction (DDD).

The company watched in aweas three of their companions were swallowed up andfrom there the company moved out of Moria. But something behind them followed. It was poor mottled Bippen. He got to the bridge and coughed, "Gollum, Gollum"...

Fin

A/N: yes its supposed to be Barlog. Isn't it funny that Bippen is Gollum. And also i know that was a pretty said battle scene with the barlog. oh well...