Hi hi hi. Now that that stupid storyarc is done with, we can
get on with our dumb adventure! Today's episode is a
little....strange.
It's intentional. I think it is very funny though. You, my loyal fans
deserve a totally awesome episode.
Gene: But you don't have any fans! Only two people have even read your story!
Shut up Gene! It's not like YOU have any fans!
Gene: Well no, but I have lots of fanGIRLS. I even got an official T-shirt from Megahot Bishounens Incorporated.
Damn you Gene, damn you. Anywho, I don't own Outlaw Star, Chiclets, American Idol, Wayne's World, CD Warehouse, Arby's or Carl Douglas. Read on, friends.
----------------------
It was a superb, magically delicious day in the Fourth Annual Heiphon Cooking Contest. Gene, Aisha, and Suzuka were all hoping for a big win, as were two very familiar foes. The MacDougall brothers. Yes, the MacDougalls were excellent chefs too, and were known the universe over for their roughly cake-shaped monstrosities.
"So..." said a judge, inspecting the MacDougall's creation. "This a strawberry meatloaf?"
"No!" said Harry, irked. "It's a pineapple upside-down cake!"
"Why is it brown and red?" asked the judge, not taking his eyes off the cake.
"The brown is where it's burnt, and the red is the tomatoes." said Ron helpfully.
".....Tomatoes?" asked the judge, who was now genuinely worried.
"Of course!" shouted Harry, like the judge was the biggest idiot in the universe, "You can't make a cake without breaking a few tomatoes!"
Things weren't going too well over at the Outlaw Star's booth either. "And what do you call these?" asked a judge, pointing at Gene's strange dish.
"Chiclet churros!" said Gene proudly.
"Chiclet.....churros?" asked the judge skeptically. "What exactly are they?"
"Pretty much just churros, except with a delicious crispy Chiclet coating. Yum yum." said Gene, his mouth watering.
"How do the Chiclets stay on the churros?" asked the judge, "Wouldn't they just fall off?"
"I stick them on with a delicious mixture of honey and chocolate syrup. It's great." said Gene, picking one up and handing it to the judge. "Try it."
The judge looked at it hesitantly. "Wouldn't it be disgustingly sweet?" he asked.
"Of course! That's what makes it so great! Take a big bite!" Gene smiled. The judge took a big bite, then immediately died of a sugar overdose.
Gene stared at him for a while. "Is that a point deduction?"
"Alright, prepare to be dazzled by....BLUEBERRY SOUP!" yelled Suzuka proudly, giving her judge a heaping bowl.
"Um...." said the judge, staring at it.
"Yes? Is something the matter?" questioned Suzuka.
"This is just blueberries and cream." said the judge, swirling her spoon around in the bowl.
"And?" asked Suzuka.
"You...you just took blueberries and cream and changed the name."
"So? What's your point?"
"Alright, so what's your special dish?" asked a judge, really not looking forward to it after seeing what all the other judges had to do.
"I'm glad you asked!" laughed Aisha, "I have for you: roast chicken, Aisha style!" Aisha began cutting an absolutely delicious looking roast chicken.
"Wow!" said the judge, grabbing a leg and taking a bite of it, "This is really good! Very unique spices!"
"Yep," said Aisha, smiling happily, "That would be the tobacco sauce."
The judge coughed. "Excuse me, don't you mean tobasco sauce?" he wondered.
"No, I mean tobacco sauce! It really gives it a kick!" shouted Aisha happily. "So do I win or what?"
.....
"Okay, we didn't win." said Aisha skeptically, "Stop being so gloomy."
"We did worse than not win! We were in last place! We even placed behind Gwen Kahn's steamed mushroom pie!" Gene said frantically, waving his arms around. The three of them were walking through downtown Heiphon and back to their little home on Heiphon, after a rough and sore defeat.
"That was a stupid moneymaking idea anyway, Aisha." said Suzuka. "Even worse than Gene's dolphin rodeo plan."
"It sure seemed like a great $200,000 investment to me..." Gene said, scratching his head, "If Jim had just remembered to FEED them..." They continued walking for a while and arguing over what their lamest moneymaking scheme was, not knowing that a mysterious figure was watching them through the bushes...
"Hey look, we're here already!" cheered Aisha, entering the front door. It was a nice, average little house. I don't want to be creative and actually make an original house, so it looks basically like their usual, regular house they have throughout the series.
Suddenly, without warning, Gilliam started singing. "Ding dong, the ship is fixed! Which old ship? The Party ship! Cheerio, the Party Ship is fiiiixed!" Everyone stared at Gilliam.
"That was by far the dumbest greeting ever." said Gene, exasperated. "You sound flat."
"I do not! I'm a great singer!" Gilliam said indignantly.
"Even Aisha can sing better than you, Gilliam." said Suzuka, who was rummaging around the kitchen for some tea.
"Which isn't saying much," said Aisha, "I sing better than everyone."
"No you don't." said Jim, entering the room and reading a comic book, "You sing like a cat choking on barbed wire."
"Well that one time I really WAS choking on barbed wire. So that might be why." Aisha meowed. "Look, listen. I sing beautifully."
"Noooooo! She's gonna sing!" yelled Gene, "Look at what you've done, Jim! Was it worth it?!!?" The lights went dim and Aisha began singing.
"ON TOP OF SPAGHETTIIIII," sang Aisha, her voice cracking into an obnoxious screech after every other syllable. "ALL COVERED WITH CHEEEEESE! I LOST MY POOR MEEEEEAAATTTBAAAAALLL..."
Everyone in the room was doubled over in pain. "Noooo! ARGH! It burns!" yelled Jim, "Suzuka, do something!" But Suzuka was on the floor, spasming out of control.
"Her powers are...too great for me!" moaned Suzuka, foaming at the mouth. Finally, Aisha ended her stupid song.
"That was great, huh?" laughed Aisha happily.
"Well, that was definitely one of your best songs." said Gene, "Only one person ended up having a seizure."
Jim sighed. "Aisha, you desperately need singing lessons." But just then the doorbell rang.
"I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT!" yelled Aisha, running to the door and tripping over stuff. She opened the door. "Hello there. Who are you?"
What she saw standing there was a monkey. Just a regular, cute little monkey. He had a kickass headband and a pair of katanas. He looked totally awesome. "My name is Ninja Monkey Ya-Hoo-Hah. I have a job for you." said the monkey.
"You!" yelled Suzuka, walking up to the monkey. "Haven't seen you in a while."
"Ah, Suzuka." said the monkey, looking up at her. "You look well."
"Um..." said Gene, "You guys know each other?"
"We trained in the same assassin fold. I was always impressed by his skills." said Suzuka. "Hey, remember that time when we were walking around and you started laughing for no reason?" she laughed.
"Haha!" laughed Ninja Monkey, "That was hilarious! Then everyone else started laughing and screaming!"
"Yep!" laughed Suzuka, barely stifling uproarious laughter, "And then...*hee hee*...nothing at all interesting happened!" They both started laughing and laughing.
Suzuka smiled. "Good times, good times." By now everyone was staring at them. "I guess you had to be there." she shrugged.
Jim looked up. "About your job offer. What would we be doing? And how much would it pay?"
"You'd be helping me to defeat my arch-nemesis." said the monkey, looking at his soon-to-be team mates. "I'd pay you each 6000 wong for your services."
"YAY! ITSADEALITSADEALITSADEAL!" yelled Aisha, jumping up and down and running around in circles, "MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY!" she tripped and skinned her knee. "AGH! BEEEEEEEEE STING!"
"Aisha, have you been into my secret chiclet churro stash?" said Gene grumpily. "I really need to hide those things better." Just then the phone started ringing. Gene walked over to pick it up. He accidentally stepped on Gilliam, then resolved to fix him later. "Hello?"
Fred appeared on the screen. "Hi there Gene!" he laughed, "Aren't we looking bright and chipper today!"
"Whatever you say Fred." said Gene, rolling his eyes. "What do you want?"
"Ah, I just wanted to call and see how everything was going with that big treasure hunt on Tenrei was going!" he said, rubbing his ear, "Did you get the dragonite?"
"We sure did!" said Gene proudly, "Every single penny!"
"Great! About how much did you make?" asked Fred with anticipation.
"About 5 bucks." said Gene happily.
There was a brief pause. "FIVE BUCKS!? WHAT CAN ANYONE DO WITH FIVE BUCKS?!" yelled Fred, taking everyone by surprise.
"You can get a used CD at CD Warehouse for 5 bucks..." said Gene thoughtfully.
"FIVE BUCKS! FIVE LOUSY BUCKS! HOW WORTHLESS! WHAT A MEASLY AMOUNT OF MONEY!" Fred bellowed, totally ignoring Gene.
"Oh yeah don't forget, we get half of that." said Gene.
Fred composed himself. "How did it come to be so cheap? Wasn't all the dragonite there as planned?"
"It wasn't real dragonite, but cheap plastic imitation dragonite." Gene shrugged. "I found the 5 bucks in some guy's cash register."
Fred sighed. "Oh well, I'm sure you had a great time right?"
"No. We all got our minds warped and nearly killed ourselves." Gene said.
"Sounds like a party to me! Well see ya, I gotta go spend the money I won off that cooking contest for my Buffalo Bears!" Fred laughed. Before Gene could ask him what a Buffalo Bear was, he hung up.
"Well, let's go fight this enemy! I have you guys on the clock, you know." said Ninja Monkey irritably.
LATER
"Here it is." said Ninja Monkey Yah Hoo Hah. "This is where I am supposed to battle my ultimate arch-enemy." Him and the Party Ship crew were standing in the middle of the city park. It was around mid-afternoon, and sweltering hot.
"God, it's hot out here." moaned Aisha. "Be right back." she walked away from the rest of them and over to a sunglasses stand a little ways away.
The guy running it looked at Aisha. "SCHWING!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.
"Did you just Schwing me? You pervert!" yelled Aisha, punching the guy in the head.
"Ow ow ow. Anyways, sunglasses are a dollar." said the guy, bandaging his head, which was gushing blood.
"Great. Thanks." said Aisha, buying a pair then leaving. "Some people are just total creeps."
"Who's a creep?" wondered Suzuka.
"Some freak sunglasses salesman." said Aisha, putting on her sunglasses. "Anyways, has that big enemy thing showed up yet?"
"Nope." said Suzuka, "Ninja Monkey says that the guy probably chickened out."
"Speaking of chickening out, where's Gene?" asked Aisha, leaning up against a small wall.
"Hanging with Ninja Monkey. Same with Jim and Melfina." said Suzuka. Suddenly a large earthquake rocked the park.
"What the hell?" yelled Aisha. Ninja Monkey then ran over to them.
"It's him! The enemy! Come quickly!" he yelled, motioning for them to follow him. They followed him into the very center of the park: a large plateau. In the middle of it stood an enormous 10-foot tall sumo wrestler. Gene had his Caster leveled at him. Jim and Melfina were standing around looking for somewhere to hide.
"NINJA MONKEY YAH HOO HAH! It is I, KICK POW SMACK POOF! I am here to finally defeat you!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof. Now, before you say that this is really stupid, keep in mind that this is the series where our heroes once fought a psychic cactus. Nothing is too crazy for Outlaw Star. "Prepare for battle!"
"Not on my watch!" yelled Gene, his finger tensing on the trigger.
"No! Stop!" yelled Ninja Monkey, running in front of Gene. "This is a battle for me alone to fight!" He turned to face Kick Pow Smack Poof and drew his swords.
"Um, so why did you hire us as bodyguards?" wondered Jim skeptically.
"If I die, you have to avenge me." he said simply. "It was in your employment forms."
"God damn fine print." mumbled Gene, putting his gun away. "You better win."
"ENOUGH OF THIS MIND NUMBING RED TAPE!" bellowed Kick Pow Smack Poof, launching himself at Ninja Monkey. Suddenly, a familiar tune started playing.
"Hey, where's that music coming from?" wondered Melfina.
"I dunno..." said Suzuka, looking around for the source of the music. "Whoa!" she shouted, jumping out of the way of Kick Pow Smack Poof. Ninja Monkey jumped up and stabbed into his back.
"HA HA!" laughed Kick Pow Smack Poof, "My fat just absorbs your weak weapons!"
"Wow! What an opponent!" said Aisha, amazed.
"I'm not even paying attention anymore." said Gene, annoyed. "Just where is that music coming from?"
Everybody was Kung Fu fighting,
those jerks were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit fright'ning,
but they fought with expert timing
"What the bloody hell was that?" wondered Aisha, the battle still raging. "Who's playing their headphones too loud?"
"I've heard of this!" yelled Jim, "They're called songfics or something like that!" Suddenly, Kick Pow Smack Poof attempted to bellyflop Ninja Monkey, an utterly devastating move. But Ninja Monkey was too quick for him, and barely avoided his attack.
There was funky China men from funky Chinatown
They were trapping when up, they were trapping when down
It's an ancient Chinese art, and everybody knew their part
For my friend, ain't you a stiff, then I'm kickin' from the hip
Ninja Monkey leaped on top of Kick Pow Smack Poof while he was on the ground and held his head down. "Now, Gene!" yelled Ninja Monkey at the top of his lungs, "Hit him with your caster!"
"Right!" yelled Gene, firing his caster at the obese giant. "It's a number 11 shell!"
"What do those do again?" asked Jim.
"I dunno, I've never tried one before." shrugged Gene. What happened was rather bizarre. A yellow ball shot out of the end and bounced around a little bit. Then it stopped bouncing and slowly transformed into the ultimate abomination of all that is good and just in the world. The scariest, evilest, most mentally harmful thing to every exist.
There was funky Billie Jim and little Sammy John
He said, here comes the big boss, let's get it on
We took the bow and made a stand, started swaying with the hand
A sudden motion made me stiff, now we're into a brandnew trip
"Hi there! I'm the Arby's Oven Mitt!" said the terrible, abominable monster. "I'M KING OF THE WOOORRRRRLLLLLDD!"
"Oh my god!" yelled Gene, "It's terrible! It's HIDEOUS!"
"The dumbness!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof, doubled over in pain. "I can't feel my face! NO! I'm melting! Oh what a world! To think that a mitten like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness!"
"You aren't melting." said Ninja Monkey, exasperated. "The bones in your body have been evaporated from the dumbness."
"Will it never EEEEENNNNNNDDDD?!?!" yelled the mitten helpfully. Kick Pow Smack Poof rolled away in utter defeat.
"Victory!" yelled Gene happily. Ninja Monkey walked over to the Arby's Mitten.
"Arby's Mitten, you have proved yourself to be a noble and valiant warrior." said Ninja Monkey, honorably. "Would you perhaps be willing to become my ninja team mate, so that together we may finally defeat Kick Pow Smack Poof and the evil he represents?"
"I would," said the Arby's mitten, "But I prefer to remain without alliance. Fighting the good fight all over the universe." His eyes glazed over. "The peril here is finished for now, but all over the galaxy my assisstance is needed. Wherever a mobster sticks up an early morning jogger for cash. Wherever a convenience store clerk is shot to death in a botched robbery. Wherever a monster terrorizes a city. Wherever there's trouble, I will be there. My work here is done, and I must move on. My life is that of a nomad, and I must continue my life until the universe no longer needs me. And then, then we will have happiness. So long, Party Ship. I doubt we will ever see each other again." After his speech ended, the Arby's mitten walked off into the sunset.
"Dude, the Arby's Mitten is totally badass." said Aisha in awe.
"He is without a doubt one of the most noble warriors I have ever met." said Ninja Monkey, nodding his head thoughtfully.
"I DON'T HAVE A NOSE! WHERE IS MY NOSE!?!" yelled a faraway voice.
-------------------
So there's my chapter. I'm really proud of this one. I like my sunglasses salesman :D. Spend a few minutes today writing a review to an author near you. They could use the support. We'll send you a free pen.
Gene: But you don't have any fans! Only two people have even read your story!
Shut up Gene! It's not like YOU have any fans!
Gene: Well no, but I have lots of fanGIRLS. I even got an official T-shirt from Megahot Bishounens Incorporated.
Damn you Gene, damn you. Anywho, I don't own Outlaw Star, Chiclets, American Idol, Wayne's World, CD Warehouse, Arby's or Carl Douglas. Read on, friends.
----------------------
It was a superb, magically delicious day in the Fourth Annual Heiphon Cooking Contest. Gene, Aisha, and Suzuka were all hoping for a big win, as were two very familiar foes. The MacDougall brothers. Yes, the MacDougalls were excellent chefs too, and were known the universe over for their roughly cake-shaped monstrosities.
"So..." said a judge, inspecting the MacDougall's creation. "This a strawberry meatloaf?"
"No!" said Harry, irked. "It's a pineapple upside-down cake!"
"Why is it brown and red?" asked the judge, not taking his eyes off the cake.
"The brown is where it's burnt, and the red is the tomatoes." said Ron helpfully.
".....Tomatoes?" asked the judge, who was now genuinely worried.
"Of course!" shouted Harry, like the judge was the biggest idiot in the universe, "You can't make a cake without breaking a few tomatoes!"
Things weren't going too well over at the Outlaw Star's booth either. "And what do you call these?" asked a judge, pointing at Gene's strange dish.
"Chiclet churros!" said Gene proudly.
"Chiclet.....churros?" asked the judge skeptically. "What exactly are they?"
"Pretty much just churros, except with a delicious crispy Chiclet coating. Yum yum." said Gene, his mouth watering.
"How do the Chiclets stay on the churros?" asked the judge, "Wouldn't they just fall off?"
"I stick them on with a delicious mixture of honey and chocolate syrup. It's great." said Gene, picking one up and handing it to the judge. "Try it."
The judge looked at it hesitantly. "Wouldn't it be disgustingly sweet?" he asked.
"Of course! That's what makes it so great! Take a big bite!" Gene smiled. The judge took a big bite, then immediately died of a sugar overdose.
Gene stared at him for a while. "Is that a point deduction?"
"Alright, prepare to be dazzled by....BLUEBERRY SOUP!" yelled Suzuka proudly, giving her judge a heaping bowl.
"Um...." said the judge, staring at it.
"Yes? Is something the matter?" questioned Suzuka.
"This is just blueberries and cream." said the judge, swirling her spoon around in the bowl.
"And?" asked Suzuka.
"You...you just took blueberries and cream and changed the name."
"So? What's your point?"
"Alright, so what's your special dish?" asked a judge, really not looking forward to it after seeing what all the other judges had to do.
"I'm glad you asked!" laughed Aisha, "I have for you: roast chicken, Aisha style!" Aisha began cutting an absolutely delicious looking roast chicken.
"Wow!" said the judge, grabbing a leg and taking a bite of it, "This is really good! Very unique spices!"
"Yep," said Aisha, smiling happily, "That would be the tobacco sauce."
The judge coughed. "Excuse me, don't you mean tobasco sauce?" he wondered.
"No, I mean tobacco sauce! It really gives it a kick!" shouted Aisha happily. "So do I win or what?"
.....
"Okay, we didn't win." said Aisha skeptically, "Stop being so gloomy."
"We did worse than not win! We were in last place! We even placed behind Gwen Kahn's steamed mushroom pie!" Gene said frantically, waving his arms around. The three of them were walking through downtown Heiphon and back to their little home on Heiphon, after a rough and sore defeat.
"That was a stupid moneymaking idea anyway, Aisha." said Suzuka. "Even worse than Gene's dolphin rodeo plan."
"It sure seemed like a great $200,000 investment to me..." Gene said, scratching his head, "If Jim had just remembered to FEED them..." They continued walking for a while and arguing over what their lamest moneymaking scheme was, not knowing that a mysterious figure was watching them through the bushes...
"Hey look, we're here already!" cheered Aisha, entering the front door. It was a nice, average little house. I don't want to be creative and actually make an original house, so it looks basically like their usual, regular house they have throughout the series.
Suddenly, without warning, Gilliam started singing. "Ding dong, the ship is fixed! Which old ship? The Party ship! Cheerio, the Party Ship is fiiiixed!" Everyone stared at Gilliam.
"That was by far the dumbest greeting ever." said Gene, exasperated. "You sound flat."
"I do not! I'm a great singer!" Gilliam said indignantly.
"Even Aisha can sing better than you, Gilliam." said Suzuka, who was rummaging around the kitchen for some tea.
"Which isn't saying much," said Aisha, "I sing better than everyone."
"No you don't." said Jim, entering the room and reading a comic book, "You sing like a cat choking on barbed wire."
"Well that one time I really WAS choking on barbed wire. So that might be why." Aisha meowed. "Look, listen. I sing beautifully."
"Noooooo! She's gonna sing!" yelled Gene, "Look at what you've done, Jim! Was it worth it?!!?" The lights went dim and Aisha began singing.
"ON TOP OF SPAGHETTIIIII," sang Aisha, her voice cracking into an obnoxious screech after every other syllable. "ALL COVERED WITH CHEEEEESE! I LOST MY POOR MEEEEEAAATTTBAAAAALLL..."
Everyone in the room was doubled over in pain. "Noooo! ARGH! It burns!" yelled Jim, "Suzuka, do something!" But Suzuka was on the floor, spasming out of control.
"Her powers are...too great for me!" moaned Suzuka, foaming at the mouth. Finally, Aisha ended her stupid song.
"That was great, huh?" laughed Aisha happily.
"Well, that was definitely one of your best songs." said Gene, "Only one person ended up having a seizure."
Jim sighed. "Aisha, you desperately need singing lessons." But just then the doorbell rang.
"I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT!" yelled Aisha, running to the door and tripping over stuff. She opened the door. "Hello there. Who are you?"
What she saw standing there was a monkey. Just a regular, cute little monkey. He had a kickass headband and a pair of katanas. He looked totally awesome. "My name is Ninja Monkey Ya-Hoo-Hah. I have a job for you." said the monkey.
"You!" yelled Suzuka, walking up to the monkey. "Haven't seen you in a while."
"Ah, Suzuka." said the monkey, looking up at her. "You look well."
"Um..." said Gene, "You guys know each other?"
"We trained in the same assassin fold. I was always impressed by his skills." said Suzuka. "Hey, remember that time when we were walking around and you started laughing for no reason?" she laughed.
"Haha!" laughed Ninja Monkey, "That was hilarious! Then everyone else started laughing and screaming!"
"Yep!" laughed Suzuka, barely stifling uproarious laughter, "And then...*hee hee*...nothing at all interesting happened!" They both started laughing and laughing.
Suzuka smiled. "Good times, good times." By now everyone was staring at them. "I guess you had to be there." she shrugged.
Jim looked up. "About your job offer. What would we be doing? And how much would it pay?"
"You'd be helping me to defeat my arch-nemesis." said the monkey, looking at his soon-to-be team mates. "I'd pay you each 6000 wong for your services."
"YAY! ITSADEALITSADEALITSADEAL!" yelled Aisha, jumping up and down and running around in circles, "MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY!" she tripped and skinned her knee. "AGH! BEEEEEEEEE STING!"
"Aisha, have you been into my secret chiclet churro stash?" said Gene grumpily. "I really need to hide those things better." Just then the phone started ringing. Gene walked over to pick it up. He accidentally stepped on Gilliam, then resolved to fix him later. "Hello?"
Fred appeared on the screen. "Hi there Gene!" he laughed, "Aren't we looking bright and chipper today!"
"Whatever you say Fred." said Gene, rolling his eyes. "What do you want?"
"Ah, I just wanted to call and see how everything was going with that big treasure hunt on Tenrei was going!" he said, rubbing his ear, "Did you get the dragonite?"
"We sure did!" said Gene proudly, "Every single penny!"
"Great! About how much did you make?" asked Fred with anticipation.
"About 5 bucks." said Gene happily.
There was a brief pause. "FIVE BUCKS!? WHAT CAN ANYONE DO WITH FIVE BUCKS?!" yelled Fred, taking everyone by surprise.
"You can get a used CD at CD Warehouse for 5 bucks..." said Gene thoughtfully.
"FIVE BUCKS! FIVE LOUSY BUCKS! HOW WORTHLESS! WHAT A MEASLY AMOUNT OF MONEY!" Fred bellowed, totally ignoring Gene.
"Oh yeah don't forget, we get half of that." said Gene.
Fred composed himself. "How did it come to be so cheap? Wasn't all the dragonite there as planned?"
"It wasn't real dragonite, but cheap plastic imitation dragonite." Gene shrugged. "I found the 5 bucks in some guy's cash register."
Fred sighed. "Oh well, I'm sure you had a great time right?"
"No. We all got our minds warped and nearly killed ourselves." Gene said.
"Sounds like a party to me! Well see ya, I gotta go spend the money I won off that cooking contest for my Buffalo Bears!" Fred laughed. Before Gene could ask him what a Buffalo Bear was, he hung up.
"Well, let's go fight this enemy! I have you guys on the clock, you know." said Ninja Monkey irritably.
LATER
"Here it is." said Ninja Monkey Yah Hoo Hah. "This is where I am supposed to battle my ultimate arch-enemy." Him and the Party Ship crew were standing in the middle of the city park. It was around mid-afternoon, and sweltering hot.
"God, it's hot out here." moaned Aisha. "Be right back." she walked away from the rest of them and over to a sunglasses stand a little ways away.
The guy running it looked at Aisha. "SCHWING!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.
"Did you just Schwing me? You pervert!" yelled Aisha, punching the guy in the head.
"Ow ow ow. Anyways, sunglasses are a dollar." said the guy, bandaging his head, which was gushing blood.
"Great. Thanks." said Aisha, buying a pair then leaving. "Some people are just total creeps."
"Who's a creep?" wondered Suzuka.
"Some freak sunglasses salesman." said Aisha, putting on her sunglasses. "Anyways, has that big enemy thing showed up yet?"
"Nope." said Suzuka, "Ninja Monkey says that the guy probably chickened out."
"Speaking of chickening out, where's Gene?" asked Aisha, leaning up against a small wall.
"Hanging with Ninja Monkey. Same with Jim and Melfina." said Suzuka. Suddenly a large earthquake rocked the park.
"What the hell?" yelled Aisha. Ninja Monkey then ran over to them.
"It's him! The enemy! Come quickly!" he yelled, motioning for them to follow him. They followed him into the very center of the park: a large plateau. In the middle of it stood an enormous 10-foot tall sumo wrestler. Gene had his Caster leveled at him. Jim and Melfina were standing around looking for somewhere to hide.
"NINJA MONKEY YAH HOO HAH! It is I, KICK POW SMACK POOF! I am here to finally defeat you!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof. Now, before you say that this is really stupid, keep in mind that this is the series where our heroes once fought a psychic cactus. Nothing is too crazy for Outlaw Star. "Prepare for battle!"
"Not on my watch!" yelled Gene, his finger tensing on the trigger.
"No! Stop!" yelled Ninja Monkey, running in front of Gene. "This is a battle for me alone to fight!" He turned to face Kick Pow Smack Poof and drew his swords.
"Um, so why did you hire us as bodyguards?" wondered Jim skeptically.
"If I die, you have to avenge me." he said simply. "It was in your employment forms."
"God damn fine print." mumbled Gene, putting his gun away. "You better win."
"ENOUGH OF THIS MIND NUMBING RED TAPE!" bellowed Kick Pow Smack Poof, launching himself at Ninja Monkey. Suddenly, a familiar tune started playing.
"Hey, where's that music coming from?" wondered Melfina.
"I dunno..." said Suzuka, looking around for the source of the music. "Whoa!" she shouted, jumping out of the way of Kick Pow Smack Poof. Ninja Monkey jumped up and stabbed into his back.
"HA HA!" laughed Kick Pow Smack Poof, "My fat just absorbs your weak weapons!"
"Wow! What an opponent!" said Aisha, amazed.
"I'm not even paying attention anymore." said Gene, annoyed. "Just where is that music coming from?"
Everybody was Kung Fu fighting,
those jerks were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit fright'ning,
but they fought with expert timing
"What the bloody hell was that?" wondered Aisha, the battle still raging. "Who's playing their headphones too loud?"
"I've heard of this!" yelled Jim, "They're called songfics or something like that!" Suddenly, Kick Pow Smack Poof attempted to bellyflop Ninja Monkey, an utterly devastating move. But Ninja Monkey was too quick for him, and barely avoided his attack.
There was funky China men from funky Chinatown
They were trapping when up, they were trapping when down
It's an ancient Chinese art, and everybody knew their part
For my friend, ain't you a stiff, then I'm kickin' from the hip
Ninja Monkey leaped on top of Kick Pow Smack Poof while he was on the ground and held his head down. "Now, Gene!" yelled Ninja Monkey at the top of his lungs, "Hit him with your caster!"
"Right!" yelled Gene, firing his caster at the obese giant. "It's a number 11 shell!"
"What do those do again?" asked Jim.
"I dunno, I've never tried one before." shrugged Gene. What happened was rather bizarre. A yellow ball shot out of the end and bounced around a little bit. Then it stopped bouncing and slowly transformed into the ultimate abomination of all that is good and just in the world. The scariest, evilest, most mentally harmful thing to every exist.
There was funky Billie Jim and little Sammy John
He said, here comes the big boss, let's get it on
We took the bow and made a stand, started swaying with the hand
A sudden motion made me stiff, now we're into a brandnew trip
"Hi there! I'm the Arby's Oven Mitt!" said the terrible, abominable monster. "I'M KING OF THE WOOORRRRRLLLLLDD!"
"Oh my god!" yelled Gene, "It's terrible! It's HIDEOUS!"
"The dumbness!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof, doubled over in pain. "I can't feel my face! NO! I'm melting! Oh what a world! To think that a mitten like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness!"
"You aren't melting." said Ninja Monkey, exasperated. "The bones in your body have been evaporated from the dumbness."
"Will it never EEEEENNNNNNDDDD?!?!" yelled the mitten helpfully. Kick Pow Smack Poof rolled away in utter defeat.
"Victory!" yelled Gene happily. Ninja Monkey walked over to the Arby's Mitten.
"Arby's Mitten, you have proved yourself to be a noble and valiant warrior." said Ninja Monkey, honorably. "Would you perhaps be willing to become my ninja team mate, so that together we may finally defeat Kick Pow Smack Poof and the evil he represents?"
"I would," said the Arby's mitten, "But I prefer to remain without alliance. Fighting the good fight all over the universe." His eyes glazed over. "The peril here is finished for now, but all over the galaxy my assisstance is needed. Wherever a mobster sticks up an early morning jogger for cash. Wherever a convenience store clerk is shot to death in a botched robbery. Wherever a monster terrorizes a city. Wherever there's trouble, I will be there. My work here is done, and I must move on. My life is that of a nomad, and I must continue my life until the universe no longer needs me. And then, then we will have happiness. So long, Party Ship. I doubt we will ever see each other again." After his speech ended, the Arby's mitten walked off into the sunset.
"Dude, the Arby's Mitten is totally badass." said Aisha in awe.
"He is without a doubt one of the most noble warriors I have ever met." said Ninja Monkey, nodding his head thoughtfully.
"I DON'T HAVE A NOSE! WHERE IS MY NOSE!?!" yelled a faraway voice.
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So there's my chapter. I'm really proud of this one. I like my sunglasses salesman :D. Spend a few minutes today writing a review to an author near you. They could use the support. We'll send you a free pen.