"An outlaw. What defines an outlaaw, can not be expressed in
any way, shape or form. An outlaw is a very special thingy,
because outlaws follow their dreams and live by thier own
outlaw-tastic rules."
Hey, who are you? This is my chapter opening area!
"Blah blah blah blah blah outlaw outlaw outlaw blah blah blah dreams blah pirates blah blah..."
HEY! I said who are you!
"Um, I'm the narrarator. I introduce each episode by talking about outlaws and stuff. Then I go away and am never heard from again until the next episode."
Well go away. I'm the author and I say you aren't welcome here. Also, you sound like that guy off of Cowboy Bebop.
"Uh, you mean Jet Black? Yeah, that's totally not me."
Oh....SUUUUUURRRRREE *walks over to mysterious curtain*
"Hey! Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"
No! *pulls curtain down, Jet Black is standing there witha microphone* What the hell are you doing here? Shouldn't you be out making a Cowboy Bebop sequel and therefore please me and the rest of the anime universe?
"My contract expired. They have Vash the Stampede replacing me in the sequel."
Really? Damn, that's gonna be awesome!
"No it won't! It's gonna suck! At least PRETEND to have sympathy for me."
No way! I'm gonna go surf the web for more info on this sequel! See ya later! Have fun with your narrarator career, or whatever.
"Sigh. The author would like you to know that he doesn't own Outlaw Star, Febreeze, American Idol, Iron Chef, Most Extreme Elimination, Zoloft, Dave Letterman, Connect Four, Nyquil, GI Joe, or Barbie. Man, that's a lot of stuff this guy doesn't own. He sucks."
------------
"Is the ship ready for takeoff?" Gene asked Gilliam. He was sitting in his pilot's chair, running checks on the ship all alone.
"Affirmative, Gene." said Gilliam.
"What's the status on that odd discolored stain on the carpet?" asked Gene.
"Nothing a few sprays of Febreeze couldn't handle." said Gilliam. "The ship is reading all green for takeoff."
"Alright," said Gene. "Tell everyone to return to the ship."
"How will I do that, Gene?" wondered Gilliam.
"I spent all the money we got from that monkey on walkie talkies." laughed Gene. "Top of the line. You can hear across planets with these babies."
Suzuka thought for a bit. What number was the most likely? Watching other games, she quickly decided to put her money on number 7. She was in a casino, and was situated at the Roulette Wheel.
"I put 20 bucks on 7!" yelled Suzuka a little too loudly. Did I mention she was drunk? I probably should have.
"Alright," said the Roulette Wheel turner guy. We'll call him Marius. "Any more bets before I start this thing?"
"I'll bet 200 bucks on 24." said a guy. He was a tall guy with a top hat and a mousstache.
"Alright," said Marius, letting the wheel go. Suzuka and the moustache guy watched carefully as the ball rolled around the wheel, bumping around before it finally came to rest on... "24!" announced Marius.
"Woohoo!" laughed the moustache guy, taking a small pile of chips.
"Round two...." said Suzuka, her thinking starting to slow down. "I'll put 400 bucks on... um, 17."
The moustache guy smirked, "I'll put 400 on double zero."
"Okay!" Marius, releasing the wheel again. Shortly... "Double Zero!" he announced.
"Yippee!" yelled the moustache guy.
"That does it!" yelled Suzuka, "You want a gambling contest or something? Quit stealing my luck!"
"Why yes, I actually do want a contest." said the guy, "I challenge you, Twilight Suzuka!"
"Ah, you have heard of me?" asked Suzuka.
"Everyone in the universe has heard of you." said the guy simply, "From what I've heard about you, there's no way I could beat you in a fight... But are you as skilled in the world of luck as you are with the sword?"
"I dunno...am I?" asked Suzuka groggily, quickly losing interest.
"That's the question, indeed." smiled the guy, nodding his head. "So, do you accept my challenge?"
"You bet I am!" yelled Suzuka, pumping her fist in the air.
2 SHORT HOURS LATER
"That was... hideously disappointing." sighed the guy. "I have all your money, belongings, relatives, your sucessful chain of hotels on Planet Tenrei, and according to this contract, your "Best Friend" Fred is my slave for ten years. All you have now is your clothes and your sword. Ready to forfeit?" he asked.
"Um... I do seem to be out of stuff don't I?" sighed Suzuka. Suddenly, she got an idea. "Wait, I do have a ship...."
That caught the guy's interest. "A ship?"
"Yeah, it's a big and green grappler ship and it even comes with a five-person crew ready to fly!"
"Oh, I hate grappler ships. Forget I said anything." said the guy, and he walked away.
Suzuka stared. "Well that was weird." she said to herself.
[SPECIAL AUTHOR'S NOTE THING: Originally, Suzuka lost the Party Ship betting against this guy. He's a walrus god named Shermie and he wants to use the Party Ship for his own evil purposes. It was a neat idea, and I totally went with it all the way to completion. Then I discovered that the chapter was crap and totally redid it. Be thankful I did.]
......
"Alright, Melfina! Take off!" shouted Gene.
"Take off what?" wondered Aisha, "She's already totally nude, you pervert." She laughed at her own stupid joke.
"Aisha, calling Gene a pervert isn't really humor." said Jim, "As true as it is, it is never funny. Try some nun jokes or something."
"It's topical humor, you philistines." Aisha growled, "Nobody understands my art."
"That's what all terrible artists say." said Suzuka, "Now let's just blast off."
"Just where the hell are we going, anyway?" asked Gene.
"Shouldn't you know that?" asked Melfina.
"Well I mean, I figured we could just blast off and sort of ad-lib it from there." said Gene. "Who says we need a destination?"
"Gene, that is the only plot hole big enough for people to recognize without our help." said Gilliam, "I won't allow it. How about Earth?"
"What's an Earth?" wondered Jim.
"It's the planet where all the people came from, long long ago. Didn't they teach you that in school?" said Suzuka skeptically.
"Nah, I think Jim's still in like preschool or something." said Aisha.
"Hey! I'm 10 years old!" yeled Jim, waving his arms around.
"Oh, sorry." said Aisha sarcastically. "THIRD grade. BIIIIIIG difference."
.........
It was a absolutely gorgeous and totally un-bogus day in the MacDougall's secret base. Harry was throwing darts at pictures of Gene. That was all he did now since Ron took his TV away. Something about episodes of Pokemon giving Harry seizures or something. Also, Ron thought that Simon Cowell was a bad influence on Harry's young and impressionable mind. Speaking of Ron, he wasn't in the room.
"An absolutely terrible preformance. Go kill yourself." Harry said to himself, tossing another dart. "That Simon Cowell could be my role model!"
"What a terrible role model." said Ron, entering the room. "Are you still watching that show?"
"I watch it at Gwen Kahn's house. He has cable, you know." said Harry, landing a dart on Gene's nose.
"Wow. Great news for Gwen Kahn, huh?" smiled Ron, crossing his arms. There was a momentary silence in the room. Harry casually tossed another dart, casting discreet glances at Ron. He then collapsed onto his knees and started yelling.
"CAN WE GET CABLE TV!? CAN WE CAN WE CAN WE!?" yelled Harry, pleading. "I'LL BE THE ONLY KID ON THE BLOCK WITHOUT IT!"
"Last time we had cable TV you deep fried some potpourri and ate it after an episode of Iron Chef." said Ron sternly, "My answer is no."
"Come on! I remembered the poison control number!" begged Harry, tears forming in his eyes. "I even felt so bad that I baked 12 special pizzas, just for you!"
"You used the potpourri."
"Oh. Oh yeah." sighed Harry, standing up.
"Well, I guess we can get cable, but you have to pay for it with your own allowance!" negotiated Ron.
"It's a deal!" shouted Harry happily, "Lemme go check my piggy bank!" Harry ran over to his room and tripped over a stool, getting a minor splinter in his leg. "ARGH! IT HURTS!" he whined.
"Oh jeez, it's just a splinter Harry." Ron sighed. "You can't keep getting this worked up over little-"
"OH LORD IT HURTS! WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Harry cried.
"I guess I have to pull out." said Ron, getting his tweezers. "This might hurt a little bit."
Harry's eyes went wide with terror. "N-no! It's only a little splinter! I-I'll be fine!"
"I have to pull it out or it'll get infected." said Ron patiently, tweezers in hand. "Just close your eyes and pretend you're getting a Simon Cowell autograph." Squinting carefully, he quickly pulled out Harry's splinter.
"OWWWWWWW! I CAN'T FEEL MY ARM! ARGH!" moaned Harry, clutching his arm in pain.
"But the splinter was in your leg." said Ron, confused.
"It was?" wondered Harry.
"Harry, you need to stop acting like a little kid." said Ron, "You're 18 years old, for god sakes!"
"18 and a HALF." said Harry indignantly.
"Look," said Ron impatiently, "The Outlaw Star is heading to some backwater planet called 'Earth'. We need to ambush them on the way there!"
"The Outlaw Star!" yelled Harry, jumping to his feet, "I'll kill 'em! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!" He threw a dart at Gene's picture. "Gosh, that guy makes me mad!" he said angrily, crossing his arms.
"Come, on lets get the Shangri-La ready to intercept them." said Ron.
"Hang on, I need to hit his eye." said Harry, aiming carefully at the picture of Gene with his dart.
"LET'S GET GOING!" yelled Ron just as Harry threw the dart. Harry went way off and hit a picture of Melfina right in the face.
"Hey! Look what you made me do, You big jerk!" sniffled Harry.
........
The Party Ship was zooming through space on the way to Earth. It was generally nice and happy on board the ship. Gene and Gilliam were finishing up a long Connect Four tournament. The others, having been eliminated, were bored out of their minds. Jim was trying to watch TV, but all that was on were Most Extreme Elimination reruns. Aisha was trying to get the cap off some strange new bottles of something in the kitchen that she hadn't already tried before. Melfina was acting as referee between the big Connect Four game, and Suzuka...um...maybe it's best you didn't know what Suzuka was doing.
"You can't win, Gilliam. You know that don't you?" taunted Gene, dropping a black piece into the Connect Four thing.
"Don't be so cocky." said Gilliam, "My great grandpa was that one really smart chess computer! There's no way you can win! Melfina, can you put that red piece there? Thanks."
"Dave Letterman ended up beating that thing way back in 2006. That stupid computer was a total loser." smirked Gene, dropping in another piece.
"You take that back!" yelled Gilliam, "My great-grandpa was a good man!"
Gene stood up. "He wasn't better than Dave Letterman, now was he!?!?!" Then a fight broke out. Gene began punching Gilliam's robotic screen. "Oww! Stupid solid glass!" moaned Gene, clutching his hand in agony.
"YEAH, YOU WANT SOME MORE!? YOU F***ER!!!" Gilliam yelled.
"Now lets all play fair!" said Melfina. "This game is supposed to be fun!"
"Well I'm not gonna have fun NOW." muttered Gene, "Thanks to mister Poopyhead over there."
"This is stupid." said Jim, "Every episode they have that stupid bouncy ball game, but it sucks! What about the game where they dress up as palm trees and run up that hill with the giant boulders coming down?" Aisha was sitting on the couch with him, trying to pry the lid off a bottle labeled Zoloft.
"Godamn these childproof lids!" yelled Aisha, "Why the hell would a kid want Zoloft anyway?"
"Maybe he's some kinda drug dealer kid." said Jim, uninterested and flipping the channel.
"Well why doesn't LSD have childproof lids then?" asked Aisha.
"Because it's illegal and the criminals don't want to make childproof lids. And nobody wants to make them." said Jim, flipping past an ad for a kitchen stain remover.
"Well why is it illegal and not nyquil? That is some whacked out stuff!" protested Aisha.
"Because nyquil helps cure colds and stuff." said Jim.
"No it doesn't, it just makes you trip out until you trick yourself into believing you feel better. I"m on to those people." Aisha said, going back to prying the lid off the jar. Suddenly, the lid popped off. "Alright! There we go! Now lets read the instructions! 'Depressed person should take 2 pills every 4 hours.'" She looked over to Jim. "What's depressed mean?"
"It's when you're sad." said Jim, totally and utterly bored.
"Well I'm pretty sad about this whole LSD-childproof lids scenario, so I guess I'm qualified." said Aisha, emptying the bottle onto the coffee table. "Since this stuff is geared towards drug dealer kids, I'd probably need about twice as much. So that's 4 pills every 2 hours. Can do!" she laughed, popping four pills into her mouth. "Wha I weally wike abou' Zoloff is da cute commerfalfs." she said with a mouthfull of pills. "Dose widdle white fings are tho cute." Then she swallowed. Her eyes snapped wide open and she froze for a second. Then she started moving. A whole bunch.
"WOOO WOOO WOOO WOO! I'M AN AMBULANCE!" she yelled, running around in circles. She began hitting Jim repeatedly in the head with a coffee mug. "JIM'S SICK! LOAD HIM INTO THE HEALING CHAMBER!" she tied him up and continued running around, dragging him along behind her.
"Ow! Hey, what the heck is wrong with you, Aisha! Agh!" Jim said barely dodging the sofa leg.
"YOU ARE SICK! YOU NEED HELP!" yelled Aisha, dragging Jim up and down a flight of stairs. "WE ARE ALMOST TO THE HOSPITAL! WEOO WEOO WEOO!"
"Oh, hello Suzuka." said Gilliam. "Me and Gene are almost done with this game."
Gene sniffed the air. "Man, you sure smell weird Suzuka." he cocked an eyebrow. "Smells kinda sweet... like..."
"If you say one more word I can promise you a slow and painful death. Jim too. He gets a slow and painful death as well." Suzuka said grumpily, sitting down next to the game. "So who's winning?"
"I am." said Gilliam, "But just barely. This is one heated match."
"Yes, this whole thing is absolutely masturbating!" laughed Gene. "Er, fascinating! Yes, I meant fascinating." He started laguhing some more.
"Don't think I didn't catch that." growled Suzuka.
"Excuse me Gene, but there is an incoming transmission from an unknown source!" said Gilliam. "Should I patch him through?"
"Go ahead." said Gene. It was...BUM BUM BUM! HARRY MACDOUGALL! WHOA!
"Hey there Gene!" said Harry.
"What do you want MacDougall?" said Gene bitterly.
"What do I want? Oh! Are you Santa Claus? Wow! Hi Santa! I want a choo-choo train and a GI Joe action figure and Barbie's Super Action Playhouse and-"
"You idiot!" said Ron, cutting in. "Tell him we're here to challenge him to a duel!"
"But...he's SANTA! You can't pick a fight with Santa! He won't visit our house this year!" whined Harry.
"Oh for god sakes! There is no Santa! That's Gene Starwind, and he's a stupid freak! We have to kill him!" yelled Ron.
Harry whispered to Gene, "I know you're really Santa. Ron just doesn't believe in you anymore. But I do. Don't pass over our house this Christmas Eve!"
"Dude, Christmas is like 10 months away." said Gene.
"If we play a duel with you, will you still come to my house to give me presents? I've got cookies. Really cool cookies. They have Christmas trees on them." Harry said.
"Sure, whatever. Let's just fight." said Gene. And so they fought. They fought and fought for hour upon hour, neither seeming to tire. There was a small time when they didn't fight, since Aisha had burst into the cockpit dragging Jim around. Harry wondered if she was Rudolph, and he told him that she was his new reindeer, Scary. Then he pointed to Suzuka and said that she was his other new reindeer, Horny. Then Suzuka began hitting Gene in the face repeatedly with her sword. Harry didn't understand and started talking to Gene about how reindeer had antlers, not horns. He said that he learned that in his kindergarten class where he gets to cut pretty shapes out of construction paper and glue them on paper plates. He also liked to eat the glitter, even though his brother said it was bad for him. But I"m getting off the point. At one point or another, Gene called off the 'fight'.
"We are obviously both equally skilled in the powers of the grappler." said Gene.
"This is a battle that can only be settled by THUMB WAR." said Harry, nodding in agreement.
"Melfina, prepare to dock with the Shangri-La." Gene said. "It's time we finished this."
CUE CHEESY COMMERCIAL BREAK EFFECTS AND SO ON
"EATFOODEATFOODEATFOOD!" screeched the mindless children's food mascot. Children all around the world enjoying a fine episode of Party Ship were suddenly brainwashed as the world's most terrible creation appeared on the screen. Charles the Cheesy Food Animal.
"EATFOODORYOUWILLDIE!" yelled Charles.
"MUST EAT FOOD! CHARLES THE CHEESY FOOD ANIMAL COMMANDS ME!" moaned the zombie food children!
"MOMMY! GIVE ME FOOD! MY BELLY ACHES FOR THE FOOD OF THE LIVING!" moaned some little girl in Michigan.
"No dear, you just had lunch." said Mom. This was happening to children all over America. Since they had failed their almighty lord and master Charles the Cheesy Food Animal, they all committed suicide by ingesting bottles of hydrocloric acid. Aisha had showed them how to get the cap off earlier in the program, so they all knew how. The end. [This is like most Cartoon Network commercials I see.]
AND NOW BACK TO OUR SHOW
Gene walked onto the Shangri-La. He heard Harry's voice crackle over the intercom.
"I'm at the bridge. Come meet me there." he said mysteriously.
"Okie dokie." said Gene. He followed the easy, employee-friendly signs until he reached the bridge. He and Harry joined hands and said the sacred chant of thumb war.
"One two three four! I declare a thumb war!" shouted Harry.
"Five six seven eight! Try to keep your thumbs straight!" shouted Gene.
"Oh no no no!" said Harry cockily, "None of those cheap straight-thumb rules here! We play by the official Thumbers Incoporated enforced rules here!"
"Damn! He copped my strategy!" muttered Gene to himself. "I'll just have to rely on my quick thumbfighting instincts to get out of this one!"
And so they fought. They fought and fought, hour after hour, neither seeming to tire, yadda yadda yadda. Blah. Eventually Gene won, so all was good.
"Yahoo! I won!" laughed Gene, running around and dancing.
"So exactly what does that mean?" wondered Harry.
"I guess that means that I just killed you and then you inexplicably came back to life somehow. Then you and Ron swear you'll take revenge and fly away. At least, that's what usually happens." said Gene, shrugging.
"Oh, okay." said Harry. "See ya later then. Now off my ship!" Harry waved and shoved Gene out the door.
...
"So, we're back on the course to Earth?" asked Suzuka.
"We sure are!" said Gene, "We'll be there in a jiffy." Then all of a sudden, the communication thing started beeping. "Geez, who is it now?"
"It appears to be coming from Fred Luo." said Gilliam, "Should I patch him through?"
"Fred?" asked Jim, "Huh, wonder what he wants..."
"Go ahead, let's see him." said Gene. Fred immediately appeared on the screen.
"Hey guys, what's up?" he said cooly.
"Not much." said Jim, "Just finished a life and death struggle with the MacDougall brothers. Nothin' we couldn't handle though."
"Aw Jim, you look so CUTE when you act all grown up!" smiled Fred. "And Gene, you just look cute ALL the time."
"Alright, spill it Fred, whaddaya want?" asked Gene.
"Ah, I couldn't help but overhear how you folks were going to Earth." said Fred, rubbing his ear. "I want you to take some pictures of the wildlife for me."
"Wildlife?" wondered Gene, "What the hell for?"
"It's probably best if I didn't disclose that information right away." he said spookily, with eerie sting music arising in the background, almost drowning out his honky-tonk tunes. "I'll pay you handsomely for your troubles as well. How does 500,000 sound to you?"
"Really really good!" yelled Jim enthusiastically, "We'll take it!"
"That's great!" laughed Fred, "Well, I best be going now. Pizza delivery's here."
"Say Fred, just one more question." said Gene, "Why do you always rub your ear like that?"
Fred laughed. "Oh, I just got it pierced. I need it to grow back together though."
"Why?" asked Suzuka.
"Well, it's in the wrong ear! I don't want people to think I'm...you know...gay!" Fred said, looking embarrassed. Everyone was silent.
"You mean you...AREN'T gay?" asked Suzuka, perplexed.
"Of course I'm not gay!" yelled Fred, "Just what the hell are you insinuating, little missy?!"
----------
So that's it. This chapter sets an all-time record for gruesome copyright infringements with a whopping 11 possible lawsuits. So far I have exactly 24 gross unauthorized free advertising going on, and I"m only 8 chapters in. Imagine how much will happen 40 or 50 chapters in. I wanna get at least 100 illegal pop culture references in before this series ends. Think I can do it? Normally I'd put some kind of half-hearted beg for reviews and feedback here, but I feel like spacing out watching the Sci-Fi Channel muted and listening to The Cure. You wouldn't believe how much fun this is. If you wanna get spaced out and just...bleh, this a surefire way to go about it.
Jet: When do I get paid?
End of the year! Now back to work, you!
Hey, who are you? This is my chapter opening area!
"Blah blah blah blah blah outlaw outlaw outlaw blah blah blah dreams blah pirates blah blah..."
HEY! I said who are you!
"Um, I'm the narrarator. I introduce each episode by talking about outlaws and stuff. Then I go away and am never heard from again until the next episode."
Well go away. I'm the author and I say you aren't welcome here. Also, you sound like that guy off of Cowboy Bebop.
"Uh, you mean Jet Black? Yeah, that's totally not me."
Oh....SUUUUUURRRRREE *walks over to mysterious curtain*
"Hey! Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"
No! *pulls curtain down, Jet Black is standing there witha microphone* What the hell are you doing here? Shouldn't you be out making a Cowboy Bebop sequel and therefore please me and the rest of the anime universe?
"My contract expired. They have Vash the Stampede replacing me in the sequel."
Really? Damn, that's gonna be awesome!
"No it won't! It's gonna suck! At least PRETEND to have sympathy for me."
No way! I'm gonna go surf the web for more info on this sequel! See ya later! Have fun with your narrarator career, or whatever.
"Sigh. The author would like you to know that he doesn't own Outlaw Star, Febreeze, American Idol, Iron Chef, Most Extreme Elimination, Zoloft, Dave Letterman, Connect Four, Nyquil, GI Joe, or Barbie. Man, that's a lot of stuff this guy doesn't own. He sucks."
------------
"Is the ship ready for takeoff?" Gene asked Gilliam. He was sitting in his pilot's chair, running checks on the ship all alone.
"Affirmative, Gene." said Gilliam.
"What's the status on that odd discolored stain on the carpet?" asked Gene.
"Nothing a few sprays of Febreeze couldn't handle." said Gilliam. "The ship is reading all green for takeoff."
"Alright," said Gene. "Tell everyone to return to the ship."
"How will I do that, Gene?" wondered Gilliam.
"I spent all the money we got from that monkey on walkie talkies." laughed Gene. "Top of the line. You can hear across planets with these babies."
Suzuka thought for a bit. What number was the most likely? Watching other games, she quickly decided to put her money on number 7. She was in a casino, and was situated at the Roulette Wheel.
"I put 20 bucks on 7!" yelled Suzuka a little too loudly. Did I mention she was drunk? I probably should have.
"Alright," said the Roulette Wheel turner guy. We'll call him Marius. "Any more bets before I start this thing?"
"I'll bet 200 bucks on 24." said a guy. He was a tall guy with a top hat and a mousstache.
"Alright," said Marius, letting the wheel go. Suzuka and the moustache guy watched carefully as the ball rolled around the wheel, bumping around before it finally came to rest on... "24!" announced Marius.
"Woohoo!" laughed the moustache guy, taking a small pile of chips.
"Round two...." said Suzuka, her thinking starting to slow down. "I'll put 400 bucks on... um, 17."
The moustache guy smirked, "I'll put 400 on double zero."
"Okay!" Marius, releasing the wheel again. Shortly... "Double Zero!" he announced.
"Yippee!" yelled the moustache guy.
"That does it!" yelled Suzuka, "You want a gambling contest or something? Quit stealing my luck!"
"Why yes, I actually do want a contest." said the guy, "I challenge you, Twilight Suzuka!"
"Ah, you have heard of me?" asked Suzuka.
"Everyone in the universe has heard of you." said the guy simply, "From what I've heard about you, there's no way I could beat you in a fight... But are you as skilled in the world of luck as you are with the sword?"
"I dunno...am I?" asked Suzuka groggily, quickly losing interest.
"That's the question, indeed." smiled the guy, nodding his head. "So, do you accept my challenge?"
"You bet I am!" yelled Suzuka, pumping her fist in the air.
2 SHORT HOURS LATER
"That was... hideously disappointing." sighed the guy. "I have all your money, belongings, relatives, your sucessful chain of hotels on Planet Tenrei, and according to this contract, your "Best Friend" Fred is my slave for ten years. All you have now is your clothes and your sword. Ready to forfeit?" he asked.
"Um... I do seem to be out of stuff don't I?" sighed Suzuka. Suddenly, she got an idea. "Wait, I do have a ship...."
That caught the guy's interest. "A ship?"
"Yeah, it's a big and green grappler ship and it even comes with a five-person crew ready to fly!"
"Oh, I hate grappler ships. Forget I said anything." said the guy, and he walked away.
Suzuka stared. "Well that was weird." she said to herself.
[SPECIAL AUTHOR'S NOTE THING: Originally, Suzuka lost the Party Ship betting against this guy. He's a walrus god named Shermie and he wants to use the Party Ship for his own evil purposes. It was a neat idea, and I totally went with it all the way to completion. Then I discovered that the chapter was crap and totally redid it. Be thankful I did.]
......
"Alright, Melfina! Take off!" shouted Gene.
"Take off what?" wondered Aisha, "She's already totally nude, you pervert." She laughed at her own stupid joke.
"Aisha, calling Gene a pervert isn't really humor." said Jim, "As true as it is, it is never funny. Try some nun jokes or something."
"It's topical humor, you philistines." Aisha growled, "Nobody understands my art."
"That's what all terrible artists say." said Suzuka, "Now let's just blast off."
"Just where the hell are we going, anyway?" asked Gene.
"Shouldn't you know that?" asked Melfina.
"Well I mean, I figured we could just blast off and sort of ad-lib it from there." said Gene. "Who says we need a destination?"
"Gene, that is the only plot hole big enough for people to recognize without our help." said Gilliam, "I won't allow it. How about Earth?"
"What's an Earth?" wondered Jim.
"It's the planet where all the people came from, long long ago. Didn't they teach you that in school?" said Suzuka skeptically.
"Nah, I think Jim's still in like preschool or something." said Aisha.
"Hey! I'm 10 years old!" yeled Jim, waving his arms around.
"Oh, sorry." said Aisha sarcastically. "THIRD grade. BIIIIIIG difference."
.........
It was a absolutely gorgeous and totally un-bogus day in the MacDougall's secret base. Harry was throwing darts at pictures of Gene. That was all he did now since Ron took his TV away. Something about episodes of Pokemon giving Harry seizures or something. Also, Ron thought that Simon Cowell was a bad influence on Harry's young and impressionable mind. Speaking of Ron, he wasn't in the room.
"An absolutely terrible preformance. Go kill yourself." Harry said to himself, tossing another dart. "That Simon Cowell could be my role model!"
"What a terrible role model." said Ron, entering the room. "Are you still watching that show?"
"I watch it at Gwen Kahn's house. He has cable, you know." said Harry, landing a dart on Gene's nose.
"Wow. Great news for Gwen Kahn, huh?" smiled Ron, crossing his arms. There was a momentary silence in the room. Harry casually tossed another dart, casting discreet glances at Ron. He then collapsed onto his knees and started yelling.
"CAN WE GET CABLE TV!? CAN WE CAN WE CAN WE!?" yelled Harry, pleading. "I'LL BE THE ONLY KID ON THE BLOCK WITHOUT IT!"
"Last time we had cable TV you deep fried some potpourri and ate it after an episode of Iron Chef." said Ron sternly, "My answer is no."
"Come on! I remembered the poison control number!" begged Harry, tears forming in his eyes. "I even felt so bad that I baked 12 special pizzas, just for you!"
"You used the potpourri."
"Oh. Oh yeah." sighed Harry, standing up.
"Well, I guess we can get cable, but you have to pay for it with your own allowance!" negotiated Ron.
"It's a deal!" shouted Harry happily, "Lemme go check my piggy bank!" Harry ran over to his room and tripped over a stool, getting a minor splinter in his leg. "ARGH! IT HURTS!" he whined.
"Oh jeez, it's just a splinter Harry." Ron sighed. "You can't keep getting this worked up over little-"
"OH LORD IT HURTS! WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Harry cried.
"I guess I have to pull out." said Ron, getting his tweezers. "This might hurt a little bit."
Harry's eyes went wide with terror. "N-no! It's only a little splinter! I-I'll be fine!"
"I have to pull it out or it'll get infected." said Ron patiently, tweezers in hand. "Just close your eyes and pretend you're getting a Simon Cowell autograph." Squinting carefully, he quickly pulled out Harry's splinter.
"OWWWWWWW! I CAN'T FEEL MY ARM! ARGH!" moaned Harry, clutching his arm in pain.
"But the splinter was in your leg." said Ron, confused.
"It was?" wondered Harry.
"Harry, you need to stop acting like a little kid." said Ron, "You're 18 years old, for god sakes!"
"18 and a HALF." said Harry indignantly.
"Look," said Ron impatiently, "The Outlaw Star is heading to some backwater planet called 'Earth'. We need to ambush them on the way there!"
"The Outlaw Star!" yelled Harry, jumping to his feet, "I'll kill 'em! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!" He threw a dart at Gene's picture. "Gosh, that guy makes me mad!" he said angrily, crossing his arms.
"Come, on lets get the Shangri-La ready to intercept them." said Ron.
"Hang on, I need to hit his eye." said Harry, aiming carefully at the picture of Gene with his dart.
"LET'S GET GOING!" yelled Ron just as Harry threw the dart. Harry went way off and hit a picture of Melfina right in the face.
"Hey! Look what you made me do, You big jerk!" sniffled Harry.
........
The Party Ship was zooming through space on the way to Earth. It was generally nice and happy on board the ship. Gene and Gilliam were finishing up a long Connect Four tournament. The others, having been eliminated, were bored out of their minds. Jim was trying to watch TV, but all that was on were Most Extreme Elimination reruns. Aisha was trying to get the cap off some strange new bottles of something in the kitchen that she hadn't already tried before. Melfina was acting as referee between the big Connect Four game, and Suzuka...um...maybe it's best you didn't know what Suzuka was doing.
"You can't win, Gilliam. You know that don't you?" taunted Gene, dropping a black piece into the Connect Four thing.
"Don't be so cocky." said Gilliam, "My great grandpa was that one really smart chess computer! There's no way you can win! Melfina, can you put that red piece there? Thanks."
"Dave Letterman ended up beating that thing way back in 2006. That stupid computer was a total loser." smirked Gene, dropping in another piece.
"You take that back!" yelled Gilliam, "My great-grandpa was a good man!"
Gene stood up. "He wasn't better than Dave Letterman, now was he!?!?!" Then a fight broke out. Gene began punching Gilliam's robotic screen. "Oww! Stupid solid glass!" moaned Gene, clutching his hand in agony.
"YEAH, YOU WANT SOME MORE!? YOU F***ER!!!" Gilliam yelled.
"Now lets all play fair!" said Melfina. "This game is supposed to be fun!"
"Well I'm not gonna have fun NOW." muttered Gene, "Thanks to mister Poopyhead over there."
"This is stupid." said Jim, "Every episode they have that stupid bouncy ball game, but it sucks! What about the game where they dress up as palm trees and run up that hill with the giant boulders coming down?" Aisha was sitting on the couch with him, trying to pry the lid off a bottle labeled Zoloft.
"Godamn these childproof lids!" yelled Aisha, "Why the hell would a kid want Zoloft anyway?"
"Maybe he's some kinda drug dealer kid." said Jim, uninterested and flipping the channel.
"Well why doesn't LSD have childproof lids then?" asked Aisha.
"Because it's illegal and the criminals don't want to make childproof lids. And nobody wants to make them." said Jim, flipping past an ad for a kitchen stain remover.
"Well why is it illegal and not nyquil? That is some whacked out stuff!" protested Aisha.
"Because nyquil helps cure colds and stuff." said Jim.
"No it doesn't, it just makes you trip out until you trick yourself into believing you feel better. I"m on to those people." Aisha said, going back to prying the lid off the jar. Suddenly, the lid popped off. "Alright! There we go! Now lets read the instructions! 'Depressed person should take 2 pills every 4 hours.'" She looked over to Jim. "What's depressed mean?"
"It's when you're sad." said Jim, totally and utterly bored.
"Well I'm pretty sad about this whole LSD-childproof lids scenario, so I guess I'm qualified." said Aisha, emptying the bottle onto the coffee table. "Since this stuff is geared towards drug dealer kids, I'd probably need about twice as much. So that's 4 pills every 2 hours. Can do!" she laughed, popping four pills into her mouth. "Wha I weally wike abou' Zoloff is da cute commerfalfs." she said with a mouthfull of pills. "Dose widdle white fings are tho cute." Then she swallowed. Her eyes snapped wide open and she froze for a second. Then she started moving. A whole bunch.
"WOOO WOOO WOOO WOO! I'M AN AMBULANCE!" she yelled, running around in circles. She began hitting Jim repeatedly in the head with a coffee mug. "JIM'S SICK! LOAD HIM INTO THE HEALING CHAMBER!" she tied him up and continued running around, dragging him along behind her.
"Ow! Hey, what the heck is wrong with you, Aisha! Agh!" Jim said barely dodging the sofa leg.
"YOU ARE SICK! YOU NEED HELP!" yelled Aisha, dragging Jim up and down a flight of stairs. "WE ARE ALMOST TO THE HOSPITAL! WEOO WEOO WEOO!"
"Oh, hello Suzuka." said Gilliam. "Me and Gene are almost done with this game."
Gene sniffed the air. "Man, you sure smell weird Suzuka." he cocked an eyebrow. "Smells kinda sweet... like..."
"If you say one more word I can promise you a slow and painful death. Jim too. He gets a slow and painful death as well." Suzuka said grumpily, sitting down next to the game. "So who's winning?"
"I am." said Gilliam, "But just barely. This is one heated match."
"Yes, this whole thing is absolutely masturbating!" laughed Gene. "Er, fascinating! Yes, I meant fascinating." He started laguhing some more.
"Don't think I didn't catch that." growled Suzuka.
"Excuse me Gene, but there is an incoming transmission from an unknown source!" said Gilliam. "Should I patch him through?"
"Go ahead." said Gene. It was...BUM BUM BUM! HARRY MACDOUGALL! WHOA!
"Hey there Gene!" said Harry.
"What do you want MacDougall?" said Gene bitterly.
"What do I want? Oh! Are you Santa Claus? Wow! Hi Santa! I want a choo-choo train and a GI Joe action figure and Barbie's Super Action Playhouse and-"
"You idiot!" said Ron, cutting in. "Tell him we're here to challenge him to a duel!"
"But...he's SANTA! You can't pick a fight with Santa! He won't visit our house this year!" whined Harry.
"Oh for god sakes! There is no Santa! That's Gene Starwind, and he's a stupid freak! We have to kill him!" yelled Ron.
Harry whispered to Gene, "I know you're really Santa. Ron just doesn't believe in you anymore. But I do. Don't pass over our house this Christmas Eve!"
"Dude, Christmas is like 10 months away." said Gene.
"If we play a duel with you, will you still come to my house to give me presents? I've got cookies. Really cool cookies. They have Christmas trees on them." Harry said.
"Sure, whatever. Let's just fight." said Gene. And so they fought. They fought and fought for hour upon hour, neither seeming to tire. There was a small time when they didn't fight, since Aisha had burst into the cockpit dragging Jim around. Harry wondered if she was Rudolph, and he told him that she was his new reindeer, Scary. Then he pointed to Suzuka and said that she was his other new reindeer, Horny. Then Suzuka began hitting Gene in the face repeatedly with her sword. Harry didn't understand and started talking to Gene about how reindeer had antlers, not horns. He said that he learned that in his kindergarten class where he gets to cut pretty shapes out of construction paper and glue them on paper plates. He also liked to eat the glitter, even though his brother said it was bad for him. But I"m getting off the point. At one point or another, Gene called off the 'fight'.
"We are obviously both equally skilled in the powers of the grappler." said Gene.
"This is a battle that can only be settled by THUMB WAR." said Harry, nodding in agreement.
"Melfina, prepare to dock with the Shangri-La." Gene said. "It's time we finished this."
CUE CHEESY COMMERCIAL BREAK EFFECTS AND SO ON
"EATFOODEATFOODEATFOOD!" screeched the mindless children's food mascot. Children all around the world enjoying a fine episode of Party Ship were suddenly brainwashed as the world's most terrible creation appeared on the screen. Charles the Cheesy Food Animal.
"EATFOODORYOUWILLDIE!" yelled Charles.
"MUST EAT FOOD! CHARLES THE CHEESY FOOD ANIMAL COMMANDS ME!" moaned the zombie food children!
"MOMMY! GIVE ME FOOD! MY BELLY ACHES FOR THE FOOD OF THE LIVING!" moaned some little girl in Michigan.
"No dear, you just had lunch." said Mom. This was happening to children all over America. Since they had failed their almighty lord and master Charles the Cheesy Food Animal, they all committed suicide by ingesting bottles of hydrocloric acid. Aisha had showed them how to get the cap off earlier in the program, so they all knew how. The end. [This is like most Cartoon Network commercials I see.]
AND NOW BACK TO OUR SHOW
Gene walked onto the Shangri-La. He heard Harry's voice crackle over the intercom.
"I'm at the bridge. Come meet me there." he said mysteriously.
"Okie dokie." said Gene. He followed the easy, employee-friendly signs until he reached the bridge. He and Harry joined hands and said the sacred chant of thumb war.
"One two three four! I declare a thumb war!" shouted Harry.
"Five six seven eight! Try to keep your thumbs straight!" shouted Gene.
"Oh no no no!" said Harry cockily, "None of those cheap straight-thumb rules here! We play by the official Thumbers Incoporated enforced rules here!"
"Damn! He copped my strategy!" muttered Gene to himself. "I'll just have to rely on my quick thumbfighting instincts to get out of this one!"
And so they fought. They fought and fought, hour after hour, neither seeming to tire, yadda yadda yadda. Blah. Eventually Gene won, so all was good.
"Yahoo! I won!" laughed Gene, running around and dancing.
"So exactly what does that mean?" wondered Harry.
"I guess that means that I just killed you and then you inexplicably came back to life somehow. Then you and Ron swear you'll take revenge and fly away. At least, that's what usually happens." said Gene, shrugging.
"Oh, okay." said Harry. "See ya later then. Now off my ship!" Harry waved and shoved Gene out the door.
...
"So, we're back on the course to Earth?" asked Suzuka.
"We sure are!" said Gene, "We'll be there in a jiffy." Then all of a sudden, the communication thing started beeping. "Geez, who is it now?"
"It appears to be coming from Fred Luo." said Gilliam, "Should I patch him through?"
"Fred?" asked Jim, "Huh, wonder what he wants..."
"Go ahead, let's see him." said Gene. Fred immediately appeared on the screen.
"Hey guys, what's up?" he said cooly.
"Not much." said Jim, "Just finished a life and death struggle with the MacDougall brothers. Nothin' we couldn't handle though."
"Aw Jim, you look so CUTE when you act all grown up!" smiled Fred. "And Gene, you just look cute ALL the time."
"Alright, spill it Fred, whaddaya want?" asked Gene.
"Ah, I couldn't help but overhear how you folks were going to Earth." said Fred, rubbing his ear. "I want you to take some pictures of the wildlife for me."
"Wildlife?" wondered Gene, "What the hell for?"
"It's probably best if I didn't disclose that information right away." he said spookily, with eerie sting music arising in the background, almost drowning out his honky-tonk tunes. "I'll pay you handsomely for your troubles as well. How does 500,000 sound to you?"
"Really really good!" yelled Jim enthusiastically, "We'll take it!"
"That's great!" laughed Fred, "Well, I best be going now. Pizza delivery's here."
"Say Fred, just one more question." said Gene, "Why do you always rub your ear like that?"
Fred laughed. "Oh, I just got it pierced. I need it to grow back together though."
"Why?" asked Suzuka.
"Well, it's in the wrong ear! I don't want people to think I'm...you know...gay!" Fred said, looking embarrassed. Everyone was silent.
"You mean you...AREN'T gay?" asked Suzuka, perplexed.
"Of course I'm not gay!" yelled Fred, "Just what the hell are you insinuating, little missy?!"
----------
So that's it. This chapter sets an all-time record for gruesome copyright infringements with a whopping 11 possible lawsuits. So far I have exactly 24 gross unauthorized free advertising going on, and I"m only 8 chapters in. Imagine how much will happen 40 or 50 chapters in. I wanna get at least 100 illegal pop culture references in before this series ends. Think I can do it? Normally I'd put some kind of half-hearted beg for reviews and feedback here, but I feel like spacing out watching the Sci-Fi Channel muted and listening to The Cure. You wouldn't believe how much fun this is. If you wanna get spaced out and just...bleh, this a surefire way to go about it.
Jet: When do I get paid?
End of the year! Now back to work, you!