Chapter 3 - Monotone Mike and Kelly-'ho

My alarm goes off at 4:30. 4:30, people! I can barely open my eyes, but I don't really need to be able to see call Josh. I plan on giving him an extremely hard time today about something, but at this early hour, I can't quite put my finger on what it is. No need to worry, it'll come to me. I pick up my cell from the nightstand and hit pound-1.

When he picks up, I hear a crash followed by swearing. Did he knock over a lamp or something? It was pretty loud. Finally, "Lyman," comes out as a mixture of a groan, a sigh, and a cough. I pull the phone from my ear as he hacks into it. Get a glass of water, would you?

"Wake-up," I groan back.

"Why?" Still groaning.

"We have to be in the office in an hour." This man can't function without me.

"What time is it?" I can picture him lying there with his eyes closed, boxers and a t-shirt on, arm thrown over his face, the beginning traces of morning stubble, lying flat on his back with his extremely ugly comforter pooled at his waist and his left foot sticking out the end. I'd be lying if I said it was an unpleasant picture.

Of course, I don't' say that. "4:30. Josh, I don't know anyone else in the world who makes what I make and goes into the office at 5:30 on a Saturday morning. It's not right. It is, however, the life I've chosen for myself. So get up and lets change the world." See, to you it sounds like I'm waking up, like I'm invigorated, but that entire little speech of mine came out completely muddled and a third lower than I usually speak.

"5:30?"

"4:30."

He's quiet for a few seconds and I wonder if he fell back to sleep. "I'm confused," he finally gets out.

So am I. "It's 4:30 now. You said we needed to be in at 5:30."

"I what? When did I say that?"

"Last night after…" Ahh…yes. Now I remember what I'm going to give him a hard time about today. I'm not mad about him crashing my date. I know I was skeptical at first, but the truth is, he made it bearable. Plus, he stopped me from ordering the teriyaki chicken.

"Oh, right. See… that…well…"

"What?"

"Uh…"

"Wake-up, Josh." What's his deal? Good thing no one's bombing anyone; he's a basket case.

"I'm up. I just…are you alone?"

What? What kind of question is that? "Josh, I haven't had a roommate in three years."

"I meant… never mind."

What's he talking about? Does he mean… "Ohhhh…are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Alone?" I shouldn't be asking this. This is inappropriate to ask him. Ah, screw it, he asked me first.

He pauses for a minute. Is she there now? Is that why he's fumbling with answers? Is that why he's so out of it? Did he get even less sleep than me? Did he sleep with her? Yuck! "If I answer, will you?"

"Yes." We're negotiating date disclosure at 4:30 in the morning? What kind of sick relationship do we have?

He pauses for a few seconds. "Yes, I'm alone."

"Did you just get alone, or has that been an ongoing evening thing?" Well, that was awkward.

"It's too early to speak Donna, you're going to have to make sense."

"Have you been alone all night?"

"Ahh…yes. And you?"

"I'm alone," I say slowly.

"And have you been alone all night?"

Might as well start giving him a hard time now. "I didn't agree to answer that."

"Oh…" He abruptly stops talking and it's quiet for a few seconds. "Well…" He sounds disappointed.

"Yes Josh," I say with an exaggerated sigh. "I've been alone all night."

"Oh!" Now he sounds happy, which makes me smile more than it should. "Well, we don't have to be in the office until 9:00."

"What?"

"The thing got cancelled."

"The thing got cancelled?" Why didn't I have prior knowledge to this thing? And what is the thing, anyway?

"Yeah, it was… on my machine when I got home last night." On his machine last night and he didn't call to tell me? That's unlike him. Wait a minute. Wait a damn minute. There was no thing, was there? I know it's early, so I could be hallucinating, but I don't think there was a thing. I think Josh was being Josh and making sure I didn't have sex last night. Like there was any chance I was going to sleep with what's his name.

"It was?" I deadpan.

"Of course it was," he says in his Screech voice. "How else would I know it was cancelled? The thing, I mean. Cancelled."

"You're lying?" I ask plainly.

"Yes," he replies matter-of-factly.

"Fine. I'm going back to bed now, and I'm not calling you at eight. I'll see you at nine. You should bring bagels."

"I should bring bagels? You're the assistant, shouldn't you bring bagels?"

"You're going to want to make up for lying to keep me from having sex."

"That was hardly the first time I've done that. I've never been punished for it before." This is his reasoning? He's never been punished before for meddling, so why should he be now?

"And the re-lying this morning about the answering machine."

"But… I fessed up to it." Now he's whining.

"And the getting me up at 4:30 in the morning thing."

"Right. Cinnamon raisin?"

"Of course, don't forget cream cheese."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

When my alarm goes off again at eight, I'm much more alert. I'm also not in the foul mood I'm usually in after a bad date, and this concerns me a little bit. Several times last night, I felt like I was on a date with Josh, almost like what's his name and Kelly-'ho were there as decoys so no one would suspect. And that's not good. Yes, Josh ordered me a dink while we were waiting on our table. Yes, Josh told me I looked nice. Yes, Josh ordered my water just the way I like it when I was in the restroom. Yes, Josh pointed out that I wouldn't like the chicken teriyaki. Yes, Josh put his hand on my back twice. Yes, Josh signaled the waiter when my glass needed filled. No, Josh was not my date, and to let myself go there can only lead to bad things. I was out with…I still can't remember his damn name.

And how bad was that? A private school teacher? I'm not saying private education is wrong. I'm not. Ok, I am a little, but really I'm not. I understand why a parent would send their child to a private school. They're safer, and they do have smaller classrooms and more one on one attention. But in my opinion, the negatives far outweigh the positives. But what really irked me, besides the veal of course, was the whole "arts" discussion. Non-essentials?

So anyway, I make it into the office at 9:00 sharp, beating Josh by nine and a half minutes. When he arrives, he has cinnamon raisin bagels with honey walnut cream cheese. You may not be familiar with Panera Bread, but their honey walnut cream cheese is better than sex. Well, probably not all sex, but definitely all the sex I've had. I'm guessing though, that it's not better than sex with Josh would be. See how I go there? It's an illness.

Josh, by the way, looks well rested and quite nice in khakis and a navy blue sweater. This man can do things with the color navy that no one else can do. And there I go again…

So, we're sitting in his office eating bagels and cream cheese and drinking coffee, and I'm fighting the urge to test my sex with Josh versus honey walnut cream cheese theory. We're looking over the wording of the Healthcare bill Kelly-'ho's office is working on, when out of the blue, Josh says, "I had a good time last night." He says it quietly and without looking at me, and I know he meant it the way it sounded, like we were on a date. The way I'm trying desperately not to think of it.

"Yeah, me too." And there I go thinking of it that way.

He looks up from the bill and smiles. "Yeah?" I just bit my lower lip and nod, smiling a very small smile. Oh no, it's my shy flirting look. Get a grip, Donna!

We stare at each other for a few seconds, having one of our many moments, and when it becomes too much, I break our gaze, look back at the bill in my hands and go for a joke. "I'm surprised you were able to enjoy yourself, you're date being…"

"Oh," he laughs. "Like she was any worse than yours."

I start laughing too. "She most certainly was worse than mine."

"Worse than Monotone Mike, I don't think so." Ahh…Mike. Why is that so hard for me to remember?

"Please, at least Monotone Mike was friendly. Kelly-'ho had the personality of a dish rag."

He smiles. "Quite possibly, but at least she was attractive."

"Oh, and Monotone Mike wasn't? The broad shoulders, the hair, the blue eyes…"

"Well, yeah. If you like his type."

"By his type, you mean the good-looking type?"

"Good-looking to hide the fact that he's an idiot," he says in a not so joking voice.

"He's not an idiot, Josh. He just…"

"Idiot."

I take a deep breath. Stay calm, Donna. "He's not an idiot, he simply has different interests than you and I do."

"Yes, interests that include NASCAR, country music…"

"The education of our youth..."

"Our rich spoiled youth, anyway," he says a little louder.

"At least he shows some sort of compassion for man-kind. Kelly-'ho cares about no one but herself," I say even louder than him.

"Kelly-'ho works with children," he shoots back.

"For now. Until whatever power figure she dates can get her a job with the senate minority council."

"So she wants to get ahead in life. Doesn't want to make what, say, a private middle school math teacher makes."

"A very good-looking middle school math teacher who knows that life is about more than money!" Now I'm pretty much yelling.

"Yeah, it's about NASCAR and Bob Knight!" And now he's pretty much yelling too.

"I love Bob Knight! And I'm sure I would've found even more that Monotone Mike and I have in common had you and Kelly-'ho not interrupted our date!"

"Kelly-'ho and I did you a favor!"

"Oh please! You did yourself a favor! You couldn't stomach being alone with her!"

"Alone with a smart, witty sexy woman? I can't think of anything bad about that!"

"Really?"

"Really!"

"So can I assume you'll be going out with her again?"

"I can't think of one reason not to!"

"Would you like a list?"

"Are you jealous?"

"Jealous, me? Why would I be jealous? I went out with a very nice, socially responsible, down right hot man last night!"

He smirks and brings the noise level back to a normal volume. "Who may or may not call for a second date."

I tilt my head and give him the smirk he taught me. "Who asked me out for tonight when he dropped me off last night."

"Oh yeah? Well, Kelly-'ho and I are going out tonight as well."

'Really, what makes you so sure she'll say yes?"

"The fact that she couldn't keep her hands off me last night in the cab." Fucking whore, I'll kill her.

"You better call her then," I say, smiling. What're you gonna do with that, Lyman?

"Oh, I'll call her." He's bluffing.

"Go ahead," I say, pointing to the phone. I'll call that bluff.

"Did you tell Monotone Mike you'd go out with him tonight?"

"I told him I'd call him today." I said no. What am I, insane?

"Go ahead," he says, pointing to the phone. Shit, now he's calling my bluff.

"You," I say, nodding at the receiver.

He gestures towards me. "Ladies first."

I smile while gritting my teeth. "Fine." I pick up my day runner and get the piece of paper he scribbled his number on out of it. I'd rather eat veal than call him, but I won't let Josh win, so I pick up the phone, look at Josh one more time hoping he'll concede, and then I dial.

"Hello?" Damn it. He's home.

"Hi. Is Mono…is Mike there?"

"This is Mike? Donna?"

"Hi. I just, well, I called to see if the offer still stood for dinner and a movie tonight." The entire time, I stare at Josh.

"I thought you couldn't go."

"Looks like things at work aren't going to be a problem after-all."

"Great! I'll pick you up at seven."

"I'm looking forward to it," I say, giving Josh and evil smile and trying to keep the taste of vomit out of my throat.

"Me too. See you tonight." I disconnect and hand the receiver to Josh.

He stares at it. I know he'd rather eat rare prime rib than call her, but we're in it now, and neither one of us can win. Finally, he pulls her business card out of his wallet, tosses it on his desk, takes the receiver from me and dials, never taking his eyes off me. "Kelly, it's Josh Lyman… hi. Listen, I was just reading over this draft you left yesterday… no, it looks good actually. How about we discuss it over dinner tonight?… No, just the two of us, someplace quieter… good. How's seven?… Great, I'll meet you there." He hangs up and looks at me. "She can't wait."

"She doesn't know you very well." I turn and start to leave his office.

"Have fun with Monotone Mike," he says in a pissy voice.

"Have fun with Kelly-'ho." I spit back at him and slam the door behind me as I leave.

And then it hits me. I have to go out with what's his name again. What have I gotten myself into?