Ah, another glorious pretty chapter ma-thang. Isn't it
lovely? Hmm? SAY IT'S LOVELY! NOW!
Jet: Uh, it's lovely.
That's more like it. Anyways, welcome to the latest installment of The Party Ship, "the most partyin' story in the galaxy"™! In this exciting episode, lots of stuff happens. I don't want to give away to surprise ending!
Jet: Oh god, at least tell them the truth! You're making this whole thing up as you go! No wonder there are plot holes large enough to pass a large solar system throu- *gets hit with frying pan*
I warned you! Anyways, this is a phenomenal, million word chapter. I hop you don't have anything planned for the next few days, because this thing is a damn DICTIONARY! Yeah! World's longest stories: Stephen King's "The Stand", The Bible, and JHeman's "The Party Ship: The Tenth Chapter". It's taking up like 2 GB on my hard drive. Maybe. Whatever, read it.
-------------
It was a scorching hot, sand blasted, finger-licking good day on the planet Earth. Our heroes were trekking back to where they parked the Party Ship. Everyone was pretty energetic, due to eating lots of yummy fish after not eating anything for about a month, and the usual activities of spring break. Their spring break was totally awesome, since the game show Price is Right came to Earth on their tour and Aisha won our heroes a complete wine set. Yeah, go Aisha!
"Alright, so that whipped cream ordeal is kept totally hush-hush." Suzuka said to the others. "I think we'd ALL like to scrub that one from our memory." They also came across a crapload of whipped cream, if I forgot to mention it before.
"I wouldn't wanna forget it at all!" laughed Aisha. "That was awesome!"
"I'll say!" laughed Jim.
"Look, that whole thing was a total mistake." said Gene. "If I wasn't under the influence of alcohol at the time, I would have never done...that. Suzuka, I'm very sorry. I've taken something from you I can never give back, and I want to apologize." Suzuka stared at him.
"What the hell are you talking about?" wondered Suzuka. "I'm referring to the whipped cream fight I started."
"Oh, I guess we're talking about different whipped cream ordeals." shrugged Gene. "Forget I said anything." Suzuka was about delve further into this strange new information, but they had finally reached the ship! Woohoo!
"Yahoo!" yelled Gene, running over to the ship. "Open the hatch, Gilliam!"
"Oh goodness! Is that really you?" came the familiar voice of Gilliam. "You all had me worried sick! Now all of you get inside before you catch your death of cold!"
They all looked around. "Uh, it's about 120 degrees out here." said Jim.
"I know, but it's supposed to drop to 110 tonight. Gene, maybe you should chop some firewood." said Gilliam.
.......
"WAKE UP! WAKE UP! OH SWEET JESUS WAKE UP!!!" yelled Hazanko, panicking. He was currently at the ruins of the Geomancer, in the process of shaking Jukei and Leilong vigorously since they were unconcious. "OH HOLY MARY MOTHER OF JESUS WAKE UP!!!"
"Dude, they're alive." said Tobeigera. "I think you just snapped their necks from the vigorous shaking and whatnot."
"Oh..." said Hazanko. "Well, it's nothing a few band-aids can't patch up, right?" He dug around in his robe for a bit, then pulled out a small box of band-aids. He began attaching them to Jukei and Leilong in various places.
"Hang on, what about Hitoriga?" wondered Tobeigera. "Wasn't he on board the ship too?"
"What? Oh yeah, I guess he's probably around here somewhere." shrugged Hazanko.
Tobeigera looked around. "And where's Hanmyo? Wasn't she with us?"
Hazanko stood up and examined his surroundings. Seeing no Hanmyos about, he responded: "Eh, she'll be alright. She's almost eight years old. Old enough to take care of herself."
"Do you think it's right to take such a passive attitude about this?" wondered Tobeigera worriedly. "I mean, the desert is a big place..."
"Stop being serious." said Hazanko. "I don't pay you to be serious. Tell a joke or something."
"Oh..." Tobeigera sighed. "Uh, what's your name?"
"Hazanko." replied Hazanko.
"What's the color of the sky?" asked Tobeigera
"Blue." answered Hazanko.
"Which way's the sun?" asked Tobeigera.
"Up." said Hazanko.
"Hazanko blew up." chortled Tobeigera. His laughter died down to an extended sigh. "I hate this damn job."
.........
"So where are we going?" wondered Jim, looking at his teammates. They were aboard the Party Ship, and were flying around the galaxy looking for adventure, as usual.
"Blue Heaven, where else?" said Gene. "We need food and fun, and there's nothing better than Blue Heaven for that sort of thing."
"Blue Heaven?" asked Aisha. "I have relatives there!"
"Really?" asked Jim. "What kind of relatives?"
"Um, well my brother's the town drunk..." shrugged Aisha.
"The town drunk of BLUE HEAVEN?!" Suzuka remarked. "Yeah right. It doesn't exist."
"No, I'm serious!" shouted Aisha. "He's won Blue Heaven Magazine's "Town Drunk Award" the past 5 years in a row!"
Gene whistled. "That's a lot of town drunking!"
"Gene, are you just pretending to know what we're talking about so you can be in the conversation again?" asked Suzuka.
"No! Uh...I...yes." said Gene guiltily.
"Hate to break up your conversation about Gene breaking up your conversation," said Gilliam. "But we are nearing Blue Heaven."
"Yeehaw!" yodeled Jim.
"Uh." said Gene. "What the hell was that?"
"What?" wondered Jim.
"The, uh, the yodel." said Gene, staring.
"Oh." said Jim. "That was my...yodel..."
"Uh huh, that's obvious." said Gene. "Why?"
"Damn, you caught me." sighed Jim. "I'm planning on entering this yodeling contest on Blue Heaven. The prize is 400,000 wong! I've been practicing in secret for weeks." Everyone laughed.
"AHAHAHAHA! Yodeleeeodelaydeedodelaaayyyy!" mimicked Suzuka.
"Dodeldeedadoodledelodleeeee!" laughed Aisha.
"Odeladeydolelodelday!" mocked Gene.
"Yodledaydeemodleodeldaysodelfaroddeldeedodeldaymaraysa dayoldelaydeerahadelrannaymelleedadeyodleeeeee!" laughed Melfina. "You're a retard, Jim!" Everyone stared at her strangely for a moment, then went back to staring at Jim strangely. Just then, a big rumble rocked the ship.
"We have docked with Blue Heaven." said Gilliam. "Gene, don't forget to pick up some ramen while you're out there. I think we're out."
"Don't worry about it." Gene said. Our five heroes left the ship, to explore and fine excitement and happiness! They were walking down Main Street, trying to decide what to do first.
"I dunno about you guys, but I'm going to the local tavern to visit my brother!" said Aisha happily. "Any of you guys wanna come?"
"Count me in!" laughed Suzuka. "Town drunk of Blue Heaven. Yeah right. We'll see about that!"
"Eh, I'm coming too." said Gene. "What ELSE is there to do around here?"
"Uh, I guess I'll come..." said Melfina. "I mean, everyone else is."
"Woohoo! Let's go!" laughed Jim.
"Whoa, not so fast mister underage." said Gene. "I think you'll have to skip out on this one, Jim."
"Go practice your yodeling or whatever." shrugged Aisha. "This is ADULT'S night out." Man Aisha, that was cold.
"What's the big deal?" asked Jim. "I always drink with you guys when we're alone."
"Public bars aren't as disrespectful to the laws of the universe as we are." said Suzuka. "They demand age 21 or older."
"I'll do something with Jim while you guys go to the bar." smiled Melfina. "I didn't really want to go that bad anyway. We'll go to the mall or something."
"YAY! CHUCKIE CHEESE!" yelled Jim. "I mean, I am very mature. definitely mature enough to go to some bar."
"Whatever Jim." said Gene. "Just hang out with Melfina for a while and have a good time." He winked. "Bet you can't beat my high score at skee-ball!"
"OH YEAH?! OH YEAH!?" yelled Jim. "Let's go Melfina! We'll show him!" He grabbed Melfina by the arm and dragged her to Chuckie Cheese.
"There. Crisis averted." said Gene. The three of them walked through the winding streets of Blue Heaven, trying to find this stupid tavern. They didn't talk much, and when they did talk it wasn't about anything interesting. Actually, they DID have a pretty neat conversation about how vegetarians eat tacos, but I forgot most of it. The part I remember went something like this.
Aisha: They've got weird tofu tacos! I saw a vegetarian once! He was eating a weird tofu taco! Gene: No! They eat 'em with caviar! This one guy had a super caviar-taco! I swear! And he was shooting lasers from his eyes! FROM HIS EYES! Suzuka: Isn't caviar just made out of fish anyways? What would be the point of that? Gene: No! It's chicken! Aisha: Chicken is made out of caviar?
You get the idea. Wow, lost track of time there. They're already here. Anyways, Gene walked up to a bouncer by the door. "Here's my ID!" he proclaimed, giving his ID to the guy.
He examined it closely. "Hmmm...this looks fake." he said.
"What?" exclaimed Gene. "It's totally real!"
"Yeah, sure. Take a hike, you loser." he said.
"But...it really is real..." Gene said.
"Uh huh, yeah. Next in line, please!" he yelled. Suzuka and Aisha walked up to him.
"I'm gonna need to see some ID, ladies." the bouncer said. "Heh, just kidding. Get in there and raise hell, you cuties!"
"No problem!" laughed Aisha. "See ya later Gene!"
"What?! Hey! Get back here!" protested Gene. "What about me?"
"What ABOUT you, buddy?" said the bouncer. "Now get outta here. You're lucky I don't report you to the police."
.........
"You're sure he's here?" asked Suzuka. "Couldn't he be at his house or something?"
"Nope. He has a house, but I don't think he's set foot in it for years." said Aisha. "He mostly just hitchikes around the city for no reason all night."
"Wow, that sounds fun." said Suzuka. "I'm gonna have to try that."
"Trust me, it's not as fun if you're a girl." said Aisha. "Oh hey, there's brother Reno now!" They made their way through the crowded tavern to the bar. Sitting there was a ragged, unshaven Ctarl-Ctarl. He had the trademark Ctarl Ctarl long white hair, and deep brown eyes. He was also wearing a faded Morbid Angel shirt.
"Oooooh!" said Reno, once Aisha and Suzuka finally reached him. "Don't see too many Ctarl Ctarl around here! What're you doing later tonight, baby?"
Aisha laughed. "Reno, it's me!" she paused. Reno looked at her. "Your brother!" Reno stared at her, confused. "Aisha."
"Oh! Hey Aisha!" he laughed. "Man, you've just gotten so beautiful! I could hardly recognize you!"
"Oh, well I-hey! What's that supposed to mean?!" asked Aisha indignantly.
"And who's this lovely lady you're with?" continued Reno, looking at Suzuka.
"I'm Suzuka." said Suzuka. "My annoying, conceited, strange and overly hyper Ctarl Ctarl comrades call me Suzu."
"Then I shall call you Suzu." said Reno. He turned to the bartender. "Two beers for my lovely lady friends, and six more for me!"
Suzuka gulped. "SIX more!?"
"Yeah Suzu," said Reno. "You don't get to be the official town drunk five years in a row by slacking off!" he chuckled.
Suzuka clenched her fists. "I challenge you to a drinking match!" Everyone in the the bar stopped what they were doing and looked at her. Some old guys who were playing cards dropped their hands immediately. A man fled the tavern screaming. Everyone stood up and moved towards the walls.
"Jeez, you stupid villagers are you damn dramatic! Do you guys have to do this every time someone challenges me to drinking contest?" shouted Reno.
"You were the one who asked us to intimidate your opponents by acting scared." said a guy. "When do I get paid?"
"Enough! Do you accept my challenge?" asked Suzuka, grating her teeth.
Reno laughed. "Do I ever! Don't worry Suzu, I'll go easy on you. I'd let you win, but I have a reputation to defend, you know?"
Suzuka turned to Aisha. "Aisha, can you believe the ego on your brother here? Thinks he's god's gift to drinking contests!"
"I don't wanna get involved." she said. "Just don't get carried away, alright?"
"Yeah right!" said Suzuka, rolling her eyes. "You know I have better control over myself than that!"
"No no, I mean literally carried away. On a stretcher." said Aisha. Suzuka rolled her eyes again and began the match.
"Alright." said Reno. "The rules are simple. We each drink one pint a round. The one who goes the most rounds without passing out or dying wins."
"Sounds good to me!" yelled Suzuka, getting pumped up.
55 MINUTES LATER, AT 14 SHOTS A MINUTE!
"Ouch...oh god...I think I tore a hole in my stomach wall..." Suzuka moaned, then collapsed on the ground.
"Do you surrender?" laughed Reno happily. Suzuka gurgled. "Alright then! Victory for Reno!"
Aisha ran over to Suzuka. She slapped her a few times. Then she poked her in the eyes with her large fingernails. Suzuka had no response. "Should we rush her to the hospital?"
"Nah, she'll be fine." replied Reno. "I've seen people with HALF her alcohol tolerance drink more."
Suzuka moaned and sat up slowly. "I... I don't understand. I thought I was good at drinking!" she slurred, "All my skills are mere figments of my imagination!"
"Huh?" wondered Reno.
"I thought I was good at gambling, but I lost everything I owned (plus a few things I didn't own) to some middle aged guy with a top hat!" sobbed Suzuka. "And here I thought I was good at drinking, but I lost a drinking contest to this crazy drunken Morbid Angel fan!"
"I'm not a fan. I dug this shirt outta the dumpsters." said Reno. "This place has a really strict 'No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service' policy."
"Plus, it's a lot better than half the clothes YOU dig out of the dumpster, Suzu." shrugged Aisha.
"That's entirely beside the point." said Suzuka. "All I'm saying is that I suck! I bet I'm not even that great of a sword master as I think I am either!" Suddenly, a little kid walked up to her. He had to be about 6 years old.
"Hey dere lady! Wanna pway a sword fight?" mumbled the kid. He had a little wooden pirate sword. "I bet I can beat you!"
"NOT A CHANCE!" yelled Suzuka. "BRING IT ON, KID!" She unsheathed her sword...
5 MINUTES LATER!
"Yay! Yay! I win!" yelled the kid. "Mommy! Mommy! I won! I beat Twilight Suzuka in a sword fight!" Suzuka lay on the ground panting. The kid's mom walked over.
"Now now dear!" she said, rolling her eyes. She picked him up. "That lady's too bad at swordfighting to be the real Twilight Suzuka and you know it!" About then Suzuka jumped up and ran from the tavern screaming.
...........
"Come on Jim!" laughed Gene. "If you really wanna prove your manliness, then head into that gas station, act old, and buy some beer! Piece of cake! Open and shut mission!"
"I dunno..." said Jim. "I don't think they'll fall for it."
"Come on, you look 21!" argued Gene.
"No I don't!" shouted Jim. "I don't even look 11!"
"Hang on..." said Gene, looking around in his pockets. He pulled a small card out of one of them. "I found this at some guy's house I was poking around in one day. It's a driver's license. See, just cover up the moustache and the beard and the hair, and it looks just like you without hair!"
"Uh, no thanks." said Jim. "I'll rely on my adult persuasion to do this." He walked through the doors of the gas station, then walked down to the beer aisle. "Hmmm... let's see." he looked over the titles of the beers, trying to find one that looked interesting. He got a wide variety, since he didn't know which ones were good and which ones were bad. He walked up to the checkout counter carrying his big bag of beer.
"Um...okay. I am definitely gonna need to see some ID here." said the guy working the register.
"What, don't I look like I'm 21?" asked Jim innocently.
"No, you actually look more about 8. 9 maybe. Even THAT'S pushing it." said the guy.
"Damn. Was it the Power Rangers sneakers and the Pokemon t-shirt that gave me away?" asked Jim.
"Yes, that's part of it." said the guy, blinking.
........
"Suzuka! Stop! Wait up!" called Aisha. She was chasing her through the busy streets of Blue Heaven.
"I don't wanna stop! Leave me alone!" yelled Suzuka. "I'm gonna keep on running and running and running until I trip and fall into a lake or something!" I guess she had this all planned out. She ran and ran. She wasn't looking where she was going though, and ran into a sign. She fell backwards. "Owwwww..." She rubbed her head, then looked up at the sign. "Dr. William T. Defret, Psychiatrist." she read.
Aisha caught up to her. "Yeah, I was hoping to chase you here. This is the office of Dr. Defret, my psychiatrist! He's the best there is, and I'm willing to bet he could help you out too!"
Suzuka jumped up. "What!? I don't need a psychiatrist! My system is just thrown out of whack from eating all that fish, that's all."
"I dunno," said Aisha. "Dr. Defret says that all physical problems can be traced back to mental or emotional problems. And you have a lot of problems!"
"Hey! No I don't!" shouted Suzuka.
"Do so!" yelled Aisha.
"Do not!" countered Suzuka.
"Do so!" screamed Aisha.
A man with a short beard walked out of the house they were arguing in front of. "What's all the ruckus?" he yelled. "Are you the guys who are supposed to mow the lawn?"
"Hi Dr. Defret!" laughed Aisha. "How's it going?"
"Oh. It's you." he sighed. "Did you have an appointment scheduled?"
"Nope! I've got a new customer for you!" she laughed. "Her name's Suzuka!"
"What!? I never said I was goin-" Suzuka started.
"Ah, splendid!" cheered Dr. Defret. "Come on in! First visit is free!"
"Thank you for the offer, but I really don't want to-" she said politely. Or tried to say.
"No time to waste! Come on in!" Dr. Defret grabbed he by the wrist and pulled her into his house.
"Have fun Suzu!" called Aisha. "The ink blots are hard but if you pass them then you're A-OK!" Dr. Defret shut the door and turned on a light. He motioned towards the standard psychiatrist-issue couch.
"Well, take a seat! We best get started!" he said. Suzuka sighed. Ah well, at least it was free.
Dr. Defret sat down in his own chair and pulled out a little clipboard and a pen. He started writing things down. "Alright. So, why are you here?" he asked.
"I don't really know. I pretty sure there's nothing wrong with me, but Aisha seemed intent on bringing me here." she said.
"I see." said Dr. Defret, writing in his book as he spoke aloud to himself. "Has a strong dependance on Ctarl Ctarl friend to make decisions. Too insecure to make her own choices." He looked back at Suzuka.
"What is your biggest fear, Ms. Suzuka?" he asked her.
"Myself." she admitted.
He stopped writing. "Care to...elaborate?"
"Well, when I was nine years old I was already a natural with my sword. I loved to use it and hit people with it. But one day I got a little carried away..." Her eyes glazed over. "I...killed an innocent lady one day. It was a total accident, I didn't mean to hurt anyone! I was so scared... I hid her body in an old warehouse. Someone discovered her a week later, but they never traced her back to me. I got away scot free. Sometimes I wish I had been punished. She was such a nice lady. Now not a day goes by when I'm haunted by the guilt of my cruel cruel act so many years ago."
Dr. Defret stared at her. "Um, okay. I...uh..." he coughed. "Wow. Um, tell me about your mother."
"I just told you about her." said Suzuka, confused.
Dr. Defret blinked. "Alright." He held up some ink blot cards. "Tell me what each one looks like to you." He began showing her the cards.
"Alright. Uh, a sword. Some guy screaming. Blood." Suzuka said as he changed the cards. "A corpse. Some knives. A guy hanging himself. A coffin. Two girls making out. A pile of blood soaked screaming corpses."
"Interesting." said Dr. Defret, taking notes. "Alright, from the notes I've taken, I can safely deduce that you are questioning your sexuality. Your body is confused. You are so disgusted with the men in your life that you are considering turning to the only other option."
"WHAT?!!" yelled Suzuka. "THAT'S BULL!"
"No, it's quite true. You may not notice it yet, but embedded in your psyche is a raging lesbian just waiting to come out." Dr. Defret said, nodding his head.
"How did you get THAT from what I told you?" asked Suzuka, bewildered. She pointed and her head. "Isn't this the mind of a tortured, insane soul?"
"Well yeah, but you already knew that." he said. "But the lesbian thing! You didn't see that coming in a million years, eh?"
"I refuse to believe you. I'm proudly straight, and there's no way you're gonna convince me otherwise." said Suzuka, crossing her arms.
"Fine, suit yourself." shrugged Dr. Defret. He loked at his watch. "Whoa, look at the time! I've got another appointment! See ya later, Ms. Suzuka! Give my regards to Aisha, won't you?" He shoved Suzuka out the door. A familiar looking guy entered the room after she left.
"Ah, good evening Mr. Luo! How's the relaxing Taiwan music working out?" he asked.
"It's going great! I'm sleeping much easier and my feet have never felt cleaner!" laughed Fred.
Dr. Defret laughed. "Well, we both know that you're not here for chit chat. What mental anguish do you need me to cease now?"
Fred took a seat on the couch. "The hollow pursuit of money without happiness."
"There's no such thing! Money lives and breathes happiness! Happiness is a direct by product of money! If it weren't for money, everyone would be sad, angsty zombies!" yelled Dr. Defret, standing up.
"Wow! I feel so much better now! Thanks for your advice!" laughed Fred. He stood up and walked out the door. "See ya later!"
[AND NOW, A COMMERCIAL!]
"Hi kids! My name's Mr. Bob, and I'm here to speak on behalf of Meow Mix, the greatest cereal ever!" laughed Mr. Bob, a middle-aged balding guy in a suit.
"It's not cereal! It's cat food!" whispered a camera guy from off stage.
"Oh. Best CAT FOOD ever. Sorry, my mistake." shrugged Mr. Bob. "And now, we have a special guest today to talk to us about just what makes Meow Mix so damn awesome!" Then there were a whole bunch of cheesy teleporting effects, and Aisha appeared in the room.
"Hey! Where the hell am I?" wondered Aisha.
"You're on the set of the new Meow Mix commercial!" said Mr. Bob. "Tell our viewers what you think of our fine product!"
"What?! I don't eat Meow Mix!" yelled Aisha. "That's ...uh, appearance-al sterotyping! I prefer Alpo."
Mr. Bob stared at her. "But... Alpo is DOG food."
"So? It tastes better." said Aisha. "Plus, you can get three little cans of Alpo for the price of ONE Taco Bell taco! How's THAT for value?"
Mr. Bob rolled his eyes. "Look, can you just sing the Meow Mix song for us? We'll send you back to your own universe if you do."
"Uh, sure." said Aisha. Then she started to sing. "Meow meow meow meow! Meow meow meow meow! I want chick-en! I want liv-er!" Windows in the studio broke. The lights flickered on and off. Some people panicked. Most people just either had seizures or died. "Meow mix, meow mix! Please de-liv-er!" When the dust settled, and the corpses of the studio people and finished being tossed around like old rag dolls in the midst of her off-scale warbling, Mr. Bob arose from the twisted burning wreckage and sent Aisha back home. They never spoke of this event again, and when they did they got totally freaked out from the memories and commited suicide. Expert psychotherapy cannot cure everything, and one of those things is Aisha's singing. Kids, if you or someone you know is listening to Aisha's singing, TELL someone. And remember, IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT.
This has been a public service announcement.
[AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!]
"Rumty tum tum. Fixin' up the spaceship. Doo dee do dah." sang Gene as he repaired some damage to the Party Ship. He had no idea how the damage got there, or what it was, but there always seemed to be something wrong with the ship and so he was determined to keep searching until he found it. Gene's logic confuses me too.
"Hey Gene!" called Jim. "What the heck are you doing?"
"Hey Jim!" called Gene, rolling his eyes. "Why say heck instead of hell?"
Jim looked startled, then decided to change the subject. "Sorry about that whole... beer incident today. I messed up."
"Eh, it's not a problem." said Gene. "Now you know that 'Wine Cooler' isn't a flavor of Capri Sun, huh?" He chuckled.
Jim stared at him. "What the hec-... uh, hell are you talking about? I'm talking about the whole thing with me getting caught trying to buy beer underage."
"Oh..." Gene paused. "We must be thinking of different beer incidents today. Maybe I'm thinking of someone else."
"I guess so." said Jim. They both looked down at Suzuka, who had just entered the room. Or... not really a room. Giant ship repair hangar would be more accurate.
"Oh, hey Suzuka!" called Gene. "How did your big psychiatrist thing go today?"
Suzuka looked up at him. "Oh, Aisha told you about that?" she sighed and sat down on a couch that was inexplicably in this big greasy repair bay. "I dunno. Went okay I guess."
Gene looked down at her. She looked so sad. I mean, it's not like she was usually a bundle of hyperactive adrenaline, but she still seemed sadder than usual. "What's the matter? Did he tell you you were a lesbian or something?" he joked.
Suzuka's eyes went wide. "Uh, no. N-nothing like that."
"That's good." said Gene. "Man, you'd never hear the end of it from me if that were true." he laughed. "I mean, I've been make jokes about you being a homo for some time now, but imagine if it were true!" he chuckled to himself. "Endless ridicule, nonstop hilarity! This place would be awesome! Alas, I suppose it was never meant to be."
Suzuka stared at him. "Um, yeah. I guess not." Suddenly, a flurry of bone chillingly cheesy laser-teleporty effects engulfed the room. When they ceased, Aisha had appeared on the couch next to Suzuka.
"Haha! Woo! That was a rush!" she yelled, waving her arms around in the air and making various kicking and punching motions. "Meow mix commercials kick ass!" Everyone stared at her. "What? They do."
"That's probably the weirdest thing I've heard all day." remarked Jim.
"Nah, the weirdest was Melfina yodeling." said Gene. "That reminds me, don't you have a yodeling whatever to get to?"
"AAAAAH! HOLY CRAP!" Jim yelled. He looked at his watch. "IT STARTS IN 15 MINUTES!" Then a whole bunch of funny I'm in a hurry antics ensued. You know, kind of like on those olod sitcoms like Happy Days. Except a million times cooler. First, Jim was screaming stuff like "I GOTTA SHAVE! I GOTTA SHAVE!" Even though he was like 10 years old.
Aisha, grateful for any opportunity to run around screaming, grabbed random people's clothes and handed them to Jim yelling "HERE'S YOUR COAT! GET GOING!" She also kept on telling him he was like half an hour late even though he was still early. Ah, helpful helpful Aisha. Eventually Jim got out the door and into his car. He blazed down the road at top speed, the only thought in his mind winning the yodeling contest. Well, that and wondering who put all those pipes everywhere in those old Mario games, but he always wondered about that.
MEANWHILE, IN A COP CAR ON THE ROAD JIM WAS DRIVING ON.
"Hey Jake! We got us a speeding car! Why, he's going 100 miles an hour!" said a cop urgently. "Let's go get 'im!"
"Forget that, Barley." said Jake, the other cop. "We don't wanna fill out any more paperwork for today."
"But lookit how fast he's going!" yelled Barley. "He's liable to get a speeding ticket if he ain't careful!"
"He's already gone. Just let him go." said Jake. "You don't want hand cramps from filling out all that paperwork, do you?"
"Well, I guess not..." said Barley, confused. "But isn't that against the law? Aren't we ILLEGAL CRIMINALS?!" Barley started freaking out and repeatedly hitting his head on the dashboard. "I'M A BAD BOY! MAMA DIDN'T WANT ME TO START NO TROUBLE! I JUST WANNA BE A GOOD GUY!" Then Jake hit him with a frying pan. You will probably never hear from these cops again. I'm tired.
Anyways, Jim showed up at the dumb hick rodeo yodel place. "Hi there, Jim Hawking's the name!" he said to the yodel competition sign-up guy. "I like yodeling."
"Alrighty then little feller, I've got you marked down as the 45th contestant." he said. He flipped through some papers on his clipboard. "Let's see... that would put you... in between the 44th and the 46th contestant. That sound about right?"
"Yeah, that sounds great!" said Jim.
"Well alrighty then. Have a good show, pardner!" laughed the hick, then he walked away. Jim walked up onto the big stage and stood in his correct number-spot, and waited for the show to begin. He didn't have to wait long since he was actually about 5 minutes late.
"Howdy y'all, and welcome to the 653rd annual Nebraskadopia yodelin' contest!" yelled the judge, even though he was speaking into a microphone. "Ever since Nebraska became legally not a state of the United States of America way back in the year 2010, and then was ressurrected as it's own subdivision of the Heiphon system, we've taken our yodeling very seriously. And that's why I'm proud to be the judge of this year's competition! Thank you!" He then went and sat down in a folding chair with the word 'JUDJE' written on the back in permanent marker. "Let it begin!"
Jim was really nervous waiting for his turn. Being the 45th person, he had a long way to go. The first person was some lady. She gave a hugely long yodel. It was kind of repetetive though. "YODELODELODELODELODELODELODELODELODELODEL!" She probably got docked for that. Number 14 was a guy with a poorly shaven beard who just told everyone that he thought it was a cooking competition and that he'd never yodeled in his life. Number 29 was Gwen Kahn. He had a weird yodel that was interspersed with bits of interpretive dance. Nobody really understood it. Number 33 was a guy who couldn't talk and did strange sign-language yodeling. All in all it was a crazy and retarded experience. Before he knew it it was his turn. Jim walked up to the microphone nervously, then unleased the greatest yodel in history. It was brilliant, engaging and whimsical. It brought to light some touchy subjects about society, and had hidden subliminal messages that said "I ROCK AT YODELING". It was a truly amazing experience. It was so awesome that the judge fainted and had to be taken to the hospital. Of course, he was in no condition to award the giant cash prize to anyone.
"Well SHIT." swore Jim.
The moral of this story is that overachieving is good sometimes, but for everything that isn't school it's kind of pointless. The other moral is to not get carried away writing your chapters otherwise they'll be like 20 pages long (that's seriously how big this one is). So, TO BE CONTINUED is your best friend! Unfortunately, I do not approve of such practices. That is why I have novel-length chapters. Cool huh?
--------------
And that's that! Remember kids, a review a day keeps the doctors away, so write write write!
Jet: Crap! We've got a serious doctor situation in Sector Five! They've broken through! I repeat, they've broken through!
Damn! How's the rest of the ship holding up?
Jet: Badly sir! They're approaching from all sides! This is no minor skirmish! They're launching a full-on attack!
Fire the anti-doctor cannons! Fire!
Jet: It's too late! They've taken out the weapons stations! We're doomed!
It's never too late with me at the helm! Seal off the bridge! Make sure they can't get through to us! This is important since we are the only people on the ship.
Jet: Roger! Now propping numerous chairs up against the door!
What!? That's all we've got?!
Jet: We used the rest to protect the snacks, sir! *sounds of crashing from the other side of the door, we see a scalpel break through the door*
Doctor: We're coming for yoooooouuuu!
Me and Jet: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Will our heroes escape the doctor threat? Will we survive? I dunno! It all depends on you reviewers now! You see, we need reviews to charge our anti-doctor cannons. This is the final apocalyptic battle between man and doctor, and the outcome in your hands. (Make us win.)
Jet: Uh, it's lovely.
That's more like it. Anyways, welcome to the latest installment of The Party Ship, "the most partyin' story in the galaxy"™! In this exciting episode, lots of stuff happens. I don't want to give away to surprise ending!
Jet: Oh god, at least tell them the truth! You're making this whole thing up as you go! No wonder there are plot holes large enough to pass a large solar system throu- *gets hit with frying pan*
I warned you! Anyways, this is a phenomenal, million word chapter. I hop you don't have anything planned for the next few days, because this thing is a damn DICTIONARY! Yeah! World's longest stories: Stephen King's "The Stand", The Bible, and JHeman's "The Party Ship: The Tenth Chapter". It's taking up like 2 GB on my hard drive. Maybe. Whatever, read it.
-------------
It was a scorching hot, sand blasted, finger-licking good day on the planet Earth. Our heroes were trekking back to where they parked the Party Ship. Everyone was pretty energetic, due to eating lots of yummy fish after not eating anything for about a month, and the usual activities of spring break. Their spring break was totally awesome, since the game show Price is Right came to Earth on their tour and Aisha won our heroes a complete wine set. Yeah, go Aisha!
"Alright, so that whipped cream ordeal is kept totally hush-hush." Suzuka said to the others. "I think we'd ALL like to scrub that one from our memory." They also came across a crapload of whipped cream, if I forgot to mention it before.
"I wouldn't wanna forget it at all!" laughed Aisha. "That was awesome!"
"I'll say!" laughed Jim.
"Look, that whole thing was a total mistake." said Gene. "If I wasn't under the influence of alcohol at the time, I would have never done...that. Suzuka, I'm very sorry. I've taken something from you I can never give back, and I want to apologize." Suzuka stared at him.
"What the hell are you talking about?" wondered Suzuka. "I'm referring to the whipped cream fight I started."
"Oh, I guess we're talking about different whipped cream ordeals." shrugged Gene. "Forget I said anything." Suzuka was about delve further into this strange new information, but they had finally reached the ship! Woohoo!
"Yahoo!" yelled Gene, running over to the ship. "Open the hatch, Gilliam!"
"Oh goodness! Is that really you?" came the familiar voice of Gilliam. "You all had me worried sick! Now all of you get inside before you catch your death of cold!"
They all looked around. "Uh, it's about 120 degrees out here." said Jim.
"I know, but it's supposed to drop to 110 tonight. Gene, maybe you should chop some firewood." said Gilliam.
.......
"WAKE UP! WAKE UP! OH SWEET JESUS WAKE UP!!!" yelled Hazanko, panicking. He was currently at the ruins of the Geomancer, in the process of shaking Jukei and Leilong vigorously since they were unconcious. "OH HOLY MARY MOTHER OF JESUS WAKE UP!!!"
"Dude, they're alive." said Tobeigera. "I think you just snapped their necks from the vigorous shaking and whatnot."
"Oh..." said Hazanko. "Well, it's nothing a few band-aids can't patch up, right?" He dug around in his robe for a bit, then pulled out a small box of band-aids. He began attaching them to Jukei and Leilong in various places.
"Hang on, what about Hitoriga?" wondered Tobeigera. "Wasn't he on board the ship too?"
"What? Oh yeah, I guess he's probably around here somewhere." shrugged Hazanko.
Tobeigera looked around. "And where's Hanmyo? Wasn't she with us?"
Hazanko stood up and examined his surroundings. Seeing no Hanmyos about, he responded: "Eh, she'll be alright. She's almost eight years old. Old enough to take care of herself."
"Do you think it's right to take such a passive attitude about this?" wondered Tobeigera worriedly. "I mean, the desert is a big place..."
"Stop being serious." said Hazanko. "I don't pay you to be serious. Tell a joke or something."
"Oh..." Tobeigera sighed. "Uh, what's your name?"
"Hazanko." replied Hazanko.
"What's the color of the sky?" asked Tobeigera
"Blue." answered Hazanko.
"Which way's the sun?" asked Tobeigera.
"Up." said Hazanko.
"Hazanko blew up." chortled Tobeigera. His laughter died down to an extended sigh. "I hate this damn job."
.........
"So where are we going?" wondered Jim, looking at his teammates. They were aboard the Party Ship, and were flying around the galaxy looking for adventure, as usual.
"Blue Heaven, where else?" said Gene. "We need food and fun, and there's nothing better than Blue Heaven for that sort of thing."
"Blue Heaven?" asked Aisha. "I have relatives there!"
"Really?" asked Jim. "What kind of relatives?"
"Um, well my brother's the town drunk..." shrugged Aisha.
"The town drunk of BLUE HEAVEN?!" Suzuka remarked. "Yeah right. It doesn't exist."
"No, I'm serious!" shouted Aisha. "He's won Blue Heaven Magazine's "Town Drunk Award" the past 5 years in a row!"
Gene whistled. "That's a lot of town drunking!"
"Gene, are you just pretending to know what we're talking about so you can be in the conversation again?" asked Suzuka.
"No! Uh...I...yes." said Gene guiltily.
"Hate to break up your conversation about Gene breaking up your conversation," said Gilliam. "But we are nearing Blue Heaven."
"Yeehaw!" yodeled Jim.
"Uh." said Gene. "What the hell was that?"
"What?" wondered Jim.
"The, uh, the yodel." said Gene, staring.
"Oh." said Jim. "That was my...yodel..."
"Uh huh, that's obvious." said Gene. "Why?"
"Damn, you caught me." sighed Jim. "I'm planning on entering this yodeling contest on Blue Heaven. The prize is 400,000 wong! I've been practicing in secret for weeks." Everyone laughed.
"AHAHAHAHA! Yodeleeeodelaydeedodelaaayyyy!" mimicked Suzuka.
"Dodeldeedadoodledelodleeeee!" laughed Aisha.
"Odeladeydolelodelday!" mocked Gene.
"Yodledaydeemodleodeldaysodelfaroddeldeedodeldaymaraysa dayoldelaydeerahadelrannaymelleedadeyodleeeeee!" laughed Melfina. "You're a retard, Jim!" Everyone stared at her strangely for a moment, then went back to staring at Jim strangely. Just then, a big rumble rocked the ship.
"We have docked with Blue Heaven." said Gilliam. "Gene, don't forget to pick up some ramen while you're out there. I think we're out."
"Don't worry about it." Gene said. Our five heroes left the ship, to explore and fine excitement and happiness! They were walking down Main Street, trying to decide what to do first.
"I dunno about you guys, but I'm going to the local tavern to visit my brother!" said Aisha happily. "Any of you guys wanna come?"
"Count me in!" laughed Suzuka. "Town drunk of Blue Heaven. Yeah right. We'll see about that!"
"Eh, I'm coming too." said Gene. "What ELSE is there to do around here?"
"Uh, I guess I'll come..." said Melfina. "I mean, everyone else is."
"Woohoo! Let's go!" laughed Jim.
"Whoa, not so fast mister underage." said Gene. "I think you'll have to skip out on this one, Jim."
"Go practice your yodeling or whatever." shrugged Aisha. "This is ADULT'S night out." Man Aisha, that was cold.
"What's the big deal?" asked Jim. "I always drink with you guys when we're alone."
"Public bars aren't as disrespectful to the laws of the universe as we are." said Suzuka. "They demand age 21 or older."
"I'll do something with Jim while you guys go to the bar." smiled Melfina. "I didn't really want to go that bad anyway. We'll go to the mall or something."
"YAY! CHUCKIE CHEESE!" yelled Jim. "I mean, I am very mature. definitely mature enough to go to some bar."
"Whatever Jim." said Gene. "Just hang out with Melfina for a while and have a good time." He winked. "Bet you can't beat my high score at skee-ball!"
"OH YEAH?! OH YEAH!?" yelled Jim. "Let's go Melfina! We'll show him!" He grabbed Melfina by the arm and dragged her to Chuckie Cheese.
"There. Crisis averted." said Gene. The three of them walked through the winding streets of Blue Heaven, trying to find this stupid tavern. They didn't talk much, and when they did talk it wasn't about anything interesting. Actually, they DID have a pretty neat conversation about how vegetarians eat tacos, but I forgot most of it. The part I remember went something like this.
Aisha: They've got weird tofu tacos! I saw a vegetarian once! He was eating a weird tofu taco! Gene: No! They eat 'em with caviar! This one guy had a super caviar-taco! I swear! And he was shooting lasers from his eyes! FROM HIS EYES! Suzuka: Isn't caviar just made out of fish anyways? What would be the point of that? Gene: No! It's chicken! Aisha: Chicken is made out of caviar?
You get the idea. Wow, lost track of time there. They're already here. Anyways, Gene walked up to a bouncer by the door. "Here's my ID!" he proclaimed, giving his ID to the guy.
He examined it closely. "Hmmm...this looks fake." he said.
"What?" exclaimed Gene. "It's totally real!"
"Yeah, sure. Take a hike, you loser." he said.
"But...it really is real..." Gene said.
"Uh huh, yeah. Next in line, please!" he yelled. Suzuka and Aisha walked up to him.
"I'm gonna need to see some ID, ladies." the bouncer said. "Heh, just kidding. Get in there and raise hell, you cuties!"
"No problem!" laughed Aisha. "See ya later Gene!"
"What?! Hey! Get back here!" protested Gene. "What about me?"
"What ABOUT you, buddy?" said the bouncer. "Now get outta here. You're lucky I don't report you to the police."
.........
"You're sure he's here?" asked Suzuka. "Couldn't he be at his house or something?"
"Nope. He has a house, but I don't think he's set foot in it for years." said Aisha. "He mostly just hitchikes around the city for no reason all night."
"Wow, that sounds fun." said Suzuka. "I'm gonna have to try that."
"Trust me, it's not as fun if you're a girl." said Aisha. "Oh hey, there's brother Reno now!" They made their way through the crowded tavern to the bar. Sitting there was a ragged, unshaven Ctarl-Ctarl. He had the trademark Ctarl Ctarl long white hair, and deep brown eyes. He was also wearing a faded Morbid Angel shirt.
"Oooooh!" said Reno, once Aisha and Suzuka finally reached him. "Don't see too many Ctarl Ctarl around here! What're you doing later tonight, baby?"
Aisha laughed. "Reno, it's me!" she paused. Reno looked at her. "Your brother!" Reno stared at her, confused. "Aisha."
"Oh! Hey Aisha!" he laughed. "Man, you've just gotten so beautiful! I could hardly recognize you!"
"Oh, well I-hey! What's that supposed to mean?!" asked Aisha indignantly.
"And who's this lovely lady you're with?" continued Reno, looking at Suzuka.
"I'm Suzuka." said Suzuka. "My annoying, conceited, strange and overly hyper Ctarl Ctarl comrades call me Suzu."
"Then I shall call you Suzu." said Reno. He turned to the bartender. "Two beers for my lovely lady friends, and six more for me!"
Suzuka gulped. "SIX more!?"
"Yeah Suzu," said Reno. "You don't get to be the official town drunk five years in a row by slacking off!" he chuckled.
Suzuka clenched her fists. "I challenge you to a drinking match!" Everyone in the the bar stopped what they were doing and looked at her. Some old guys who were playing cards dropped their hands immediately. A man fled the tavern screaming. Everyone stood up and moved towards the walls.
"Jeez, you stupid villagers are you damn dramatic! Do you guys have to do this every time someone challenges me to drinking contest?" shouted Reno.
"You were the one who asked us to intimidate your opponents by acting scared." said a guy. "When do I get paid?"
"Enough! Do you accept my challenge?" asked Suzuka, grating her teeth.
Reno laughed. "Do I ever! Don't worry Suzu, I'll go easy on you. I'd let you win, but I have a reputation to defend, you know?"
Suzuka turned to Aisha. "Aisha, can you believe the ego on your brother here? Thinks he's god's gift to drinking contests!"
"I don't wanna get involved." she said. "Just don't get carried away, alright?"
"Yeah right!" said Suzuka, rolling her eyes. "You know I have better control over myself than that!"
"No no, I mean literally carried away. On a stretcher." said Aisha. Suzuka rolled her eyes again and began the match.
"Alright." said Reno. "The rules are simple. We each drink one pint a round. The one who goes the most rounds without passing out or dying wins."
"Sounds good to me!" yelled Suzuka, getting pumped up.
55 MINUTES LATER, AT 14 SHOTS A MINUTE!
"Ouch...oh god...I think I tore a hole in my stomach wall..." Suzuka moaned, then collapsed on the ground.
"Do you surrender?" laughed Reno happily. Suzuka gurgled. "Alright then! Victory for Reno!"
Aisha ran over to Suzuka. She slapped her a few times. Then she poked her in the eyes with her large fingernails. Suzuka had no response. "Should we rush her to the hospital?"
"Nah, she'll be fine." replied Reno. "I've seen people with HALF her alcohol tolerance drink more."
Suzuka moaned and sat up slowly. "I... I don't understand. I thought I was good at drinking!" she slurred, "All my skills are mere figments of my imagination!"
"Huh?" wondered Reno.
"I thought I was good at gambling, but I lost everything I owned (plus a few things I didn't own) to some middle aged guy with a top hat!" sobbed Suzuka. "And here I thought I was good at drinking, but I lost a drinking contest to this crazy drunken Morbid Angel fan!"
"I'm not a fan. I dug this shirt outta the dumpsters." said Reno. "This place has a really strict 'No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service' policy."
"Plus, it's a lot better than half the clothes YOU dig out of the dumpster, Suzu." shrugged Aisha.
"That's entirely beside the point." said Suzuka. "All I'm saying is that I suck! I bet I'm not even that great of a sword master as I think I am either!" Suddenly, a little kid walked up to her. He had to be about 6 years old.
"Hey dere lady! Wanna pway a sword fight?" mumbled the kid. He had a little wooden pirate sword. "I bet I can beat you!"
"NOT A CHANCE!" yelled Suzuka. "BRING IT ON, KID!" She unsheathed her sword...
5 MINUTES LATER!
"Yay! Yay! I win!" yelled the kid. "Mommy! Mommy! I won! I beat Twilight Suzuka in a sword fight!" Suzuka lay on the ground panting. The kid's mom walked over.
"Now now dear!" she said, rolling her eyes. She picked him up. "That lady's too bad at swordfighting to be the real Twilight Suzuka and you know it!" About then Suzuka jumped up and ran from the tavern screaming.
...........
"Come on Jim!" laughed Gene. "If you really wanna prove your manliness, then head into that gas station, act old, and buy some beer! Piece of cake! Open and shut mission!"
"I dunno..." said Jim. "I don't think they'll fall for it."
"Come on, you look 21!" argued Gene.
"No I don't!" shouted Jim. "I don't even look 11!"
"Hang on..." said Gene, looking around in his pockets. He pulled a small card out of one of them. "I found this at some guy's house I was poking around in one day. It's a driver's license. See, just cover up the moustache and the beard and the hair, and it looks just like you without hair!"
"Uh, no thanks." said Jim. "I'll rely on my adult persuasion to do this." He walked through the doors of the gas station, then walked down to the beer aisle. "Hmmm... let's see." he looked over the titles of the beers, trying to find one that looked interesting. He got a wide variety, since he didn't know which ones were good and which ones were bad. He walked up to the checkout counter carrying his big bag of beer.
"Um...okay. I am definitely gonna need to see some ID here." said the guy working the register.
"What, don't I look like I'm 21?" asked Jim innocently.
"No, you actually look more about 8. 9 maybe. Even THAT'S pushing it." said the guy.
"Damn. Was it the Power Rangers sneakers and the Pokemon t-shirt that gave me away?" asked Jim.
"Yes, that's part of it." said the guy, blinking.
........
"Suzuka! Stop! Wait up!" called Aisha. She was chasing her through the busy streets of Blue Heaven.
"I don't wanna stop! Leave me alone!" yelled Suzuka. "I'm gonna keep on running and running and running until I trip and fall into a lake or something!" I guess she had this all planned out. She ran and ran. She wasn't looking where she was going though, and ran into a sign. She fell backwards. "Owwwww..." She rubbed her head, then looked up at the sign. "Dr. William T. Defret, Psychiatrist." she read.
Aisha caught up to her. "Yeah, I was hoping to chase you here. This is the office of Dr. Defret, my psychiatrist! He's the best there is, and I'm willing to bet he could help you out too!"
Suzuka jumped up. "What!? I don't need a psychiatrist! My system is just thrown out of whack from eating all that fish, that's all."
"I dunno," said Aisha. "Dr. Defret says that all physical problems can be traced back to mental or emotional problems. And you have a lot of problems!"
"Hey! No I don't!" shouted Suzuka.
"Do so!" yelled Aisha.
"Do not!" countered Suzuka.
"Do so!" screamed Aisha.
A man with a short beard walked out of the house they were arguing in front of. "What's all the ruckus?" he yelled. "Are you the guys who are supposed to mow the lawn?"
"Hi Dr. Defret!" laughed Aisha. "How's it going?"
"Oh. It's you." he sighed. "Did you have an appointment scheduled?"
"Nope! I've got a new customer for you!" she laughed. "Her name's Suzuka!"
"What!? I never said I was goin-" Suzuka started.
"Ah, splendid!" cheered Dr. Defret. "Come on in! First visit is free!"
"Thank you for the offer, but I really don't want to-" she said politely. Or tried to say.
"No time to waste! Come on in!" Dr. Defret grabbed he by the wrist and pulled her into his house.
"Have fun Suzu!" called Aisha. "The ink blots are hard but if you pass them then you're A-OK!" Dr. Defret shut the door and turned on a light. He motioned towards the standard psychiatrist-issue couch.
"Well, take a seat! We best get started!" he said. Suzuka sighed. Ah well, at least it was free.
Dr. Defret sat down in his own chair and pulled out a little clipboard and a pen. He started writing things down. "Alright. So, why are you here?" he asked.
"I don't really know. I pretty sure there's nothing wrong with me, but Aisha seemed intent on bringing me here." she said.
"I see." said Dr. Defret, writing in his book as he spoke aloud to himself. "Has a strong dependance on Ctarl Ctarl friend to make decisions. Too insecure to make her own choices." He looked back at Suzuka.
"What is your biggest fear, Ms. Suzuka?" he asked her.
"Myself." she admitted.
He stopped writing. "Care to...elaborate?"
"Well, when I was nine years old I was already a natural with my sword. I loved to use it and hit people with it. But one day I got a little carried away..." Her eyes glazed over. "I...killed an innocent lady one day. It was a total accident, I didn't mean to hurt anyone! I was so scared... I hid her body in an old warehouse. Someone discovered her a week later, but they never traced her back to me. I got away scot free. Sometimes I wish I had been punished. She was such a nice lady. Now not a day goes by when I'm haunted by the guilt of my cruel cruel act so many years ago."
Dr. Defret stared at her. "Um, okay. I...uh..." he coughed. "Wow. Um, tell me about your mother."
"I just told you about her." said Suzuka, confused.
Dr. Defret blinked. "Alright." He held up some ink blot cards. "Tell me what each one looks like to you." He began showing her the cards.
"Alright. Uh, a sword. Some guy screaming. Blood." Suzuka said as he changed the cards. "A corpse. Some knives. A guy hanging himself. A coffin. Two girls making out. A pile of blood soaked screaming corpses."
"Interesting." said Dr. Defret, taking notes. "Alright, from the notes I've taken, I can safely deduce that you are questioning your sexuality. Your body is confused. You are so disgusted with the men in your life that you are considering turning to the only other option."
"WHAT?!!" yelled Suzuka. "THAT'S BULL!"
"No, it's quite true. You may not notice it yet, but embedded in your psyche is a raging lesbian just waiting to come out." Dr. Defret said, nodding his head.
"How did you get THAT from what I told you?" asked Suzuka, bewildered. She pointed and her head. "Isn't this the mind of a tortured, insane soul?"
"Well yeah, but you already knew that." he said. "But the lesbian thing! You didn't see that coming in a million years, eh?"
"I refuse to believe you. I'm proudly straight, and there's no way you're gonna convince me otherwise." said Suzuka, crossing her arms.
"Fine, suit yourself." shrugged Dr. Defret. He loked at his watch. "Whoa, look at the time! I've got another appointment! See ya later, Ms. Suzuka! Give my regards to Aisha, won't you?" He shoved Suzuka out the door. A familiar looking guy entered the room after she left.
"Ah, good evening Mr. Luo! How's the relaxing Taiwan music working out?" he asked.
"It's going great! I'm sleeping much easier and my feet have never felt cleaner!" laughed Fred.
Dr. Defret laughed. "Well, we both know that you're not here for chit chat. What mental anguish do you need me to cease now?"
Fred took a seat on the couch. "The hollow pursuit of money without happiness."
"There's no such thing! Money lives and breathes happiness! Happiness is a direct by product of money! If it weren't for money, everyone would be sad, angsty zombies!" yelled Dr. Defret, standing up.
"Wow! I feel so much better now! Thanks for your advice!" laughed Fred. He stood up and walked out the door. "See ya later!"
[AND NOW, A COMMERCIAL!]
"Hi kids! My name's Mr. Bob, and I'm here to speak on behalf of Meow Mix, the greatest cereal ever!" laughed Mr. Bob, a middle-aged balding guy in a suit.
"It's not cereal! It's cat food!" whispered a camera guy from off stage.
"Oh. Best CAT FOOD ever. Sorry, my mistake." shrugged Mr. Bob. "And now, we have a special guest today to talk to us about just what makes Meow Mix so damn awesome!" Then there were a whole bunch of cheesy teleporting effects, and Aisha appeared in the room.
"Hey! Where the hell am I?" wondered Aisha.
"You're on the set of the new Meow Mix commercial!" said Mr. Bob. "Tell our viewers what you think of our fine product!"
"What?! I don't eat Meow Mix!" yelled Aisha. "That's ...uh, appearance-al sterotyping! I prefer Alpo."
Mr. Bob stared at her. "But... Alpo is DOG food."
"So? It tastes better." said Aisha. "Plus, you can get three little cans of Alpo for the price of ONE Taco Bell taco! How's THAT for value?"
Mr. Bob rolled his eyes. "Look, can you just sing the Meow Mix song for us? We'll send you back to your own universe if you do."
"Uh, sure." said Aisha. Then she started to sing. "Meow meow meow meow! Meow meow meow meow! I want chick-en! I want liv-er!" Windows in the studio broke. The lights flickered on and off. Some people panicked. Most people just either had seizures or died. "Meow mix, meow mix! Please de-liv-er!" When the dust settled, and the corpses of the studio people and finished being tossed around like old rag dolls in the midst of her off-scale warbling, Mr. Bob arose from the twisted burning wreckage and sent Aisha back home. They never spoke of this event again, and when they did they got totally freaked out from the memories and commited suicide. Expert psychotherapy cannot cure everything, and one of those things is Aisha's singing. Kids, if you or someone you know is listening to Aisha's singing, TELL someone. And remember, IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT.
This has been a public service announcement.
[AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!]
"Rumty tum tum. Fixin' up the spaceship. Doo dee do dah." sang Gene as he repaired some damage to the Party Ship. He had no idea how the damage got there, or what it was, but there always seemed to be something wrong with the ship and so he was determined to keep searching until he found it. Gene's logic confuses me too.
"Hey Gene!" called Jim. "What the heck are you doing?"
"Hey Jim!" called Gene, rolling his eyes. "Why say heck instead of hell?"
Jim looked startled, then decided to change the subject. "Sorry about that whole... beer incident today. I messed up."
"Eh, it's not a problem." said Gene. "Now you know that 'Wine Cooler' isn't a flavor of Capri Sun, huh?" He chuckled.
Jim stared at him. "What the hec-... uh, hell are you talking about? I'm talking about the whole thing with me getting caught trying to buy beer underage."
"Oh..." Gene paused. "We must be thinking of different beer incidents today. Maybe I'm thinking of someone else."
"I guess so." said Jim. They both looked down at Suzuka, who had just entered the room. Or... not really a room. Giant ship repair hangar would be more accurate.
"Oh, hey Suzuka!" called Gene. "How did your big psychiatrist thing go today?"
Suzuka looked up at him. "Oh, Aisha told you about that?" she sighed and sat down on a couch that was inexplicably in this big greasy repair bay. "I dunno. Went okay I guess."
Gene looked down at her. She looked so sad. I mean, it's not like she was usually a bundle of hyperactive adrenaline, but she still seemed sadder than usual. "What's the matter? Did he tell you you were a lesbian or something?" he joked.
Suzuka's eyes went wide. "Uh, no. N-nothing like that."
"That's good." said Gene. "Man, you'd never hear the end of it from me if that were true." he laughed. "I mean, I've been make jokes about you being a homo for some time now, but imagine if it were true!" he chuckled to himself. "Endless ridicule, nonstop hilarity! This place would be awesome! Alas, I suppose it was never meant to be."
Suzuka stared at him. "Um, yeah. I guess not." Suddenly, a flurry of bone chillingly cheesy laser-teleporty effects engulfed the room. When they ceased, Aisha had appeared on the couch next to Suzuka.
"Haha! Woo! That was a rush!" she yelled, waving her arms around in the air and making various kicking and punching motions. "Meow mix commercials kick ass!" Everyone stared at her. "What? They do."
"That's probably the weirdest thing I've heard all day." remarked Jim.
"Nah, the weirdest was Melfina yodeling." said Gene. "That reminds me, don't you have a yodeling whatever to get to?"
"AAAAAH! HOLY CRAP!" Jim yelled. He looked at his watch. "IT STARTS IN 15 MINUTES!" Then a whole bunch of funny I'm in a hurry antics ensued. You know, kind of like on those olod sitcoms like Happy Days. Except a million times cooler. First, Jim was screaming stuff like "I GOTTA SHAVE! I GOTTA SHAVE!" Even though he was like 10 years old.
Aisha, grateful for any opportunity to run around screaming, grabbed random people's clothes and handed them to Jim yelling "HERE'S YOUR COAT! GET GOING!" She also kept on telling him he was like half an hour late even though he was still early. Ah, helpful helpful Aisha. Eventually Jim got out the door and into his car. He blazed down the road at top speed, the only thought in his mind winning the yodeling contest. Well, that and wondering who put all those pipes everywhere in those old Mario games, but he always wondered about that.
MEANWHILE, IN A COP CAR ON THE ROAD JIM WAS DRIVING ON.
"Hey Jake! We got us a speeding car! Why, he's going 100 miles an hour!" said a cop urgently. "Let's go get 'im!"
"Forget that, Barley." said Jake, the other cop. "We don't wanna fill out any more paperwork for today."
"But lookit how fast he's going!" yelled Barley. "He's liable to get a speeding ticket if he ain't careful!"
"He's already gone. Just let him go." said Jake. "You don't want hand cramps from filling out all that paperwork, do you?"
"Well, I guess not..." said Barley, confused. "But isn't that against the law? Aren't we ILLEGAL CRIMINALS?!" Barley started freaking out and repeatedly hitting his head on the dashboard. "I'M A BAD BOY! MAMA DIDN'T WANT ME TO START NO TROUBLE! I JUST WANNA BE A GOOD GUY!" Then Jake hit him with a frying pan. You will probably never hear from these cops again. I'm tired.
Anyways, Jim showed up at the dumb hick rodeo yodel place. "Hi there, Jim Hawking's the name!" he said to the yodel competition sign-up guy. "I like yodeling."
"Alrighty then little feller, I've got you marked down as the 45th contestant." he said. He flipped through some papers on his clipboard. "Let's see... that would put you... in between the 44th and the 46th contestant. That sound about right?"
"Yeah, that sounds great!" said Jim.
"Well alrighty then. Have a good show, pardner!" laughed the hick, then he walked away. Jim walked up onto the big stage and stood in his correct number-spot, and waited for the show to begin. He didn't have to wait long since he was actually about 5 minutes late.
"Howdy y'all, and welcome to the 653rd annual Nebraskadopia yodelin' contest!" yelled the judge, even though he was speaking into a microphone. "Ever since Nebraska became legally not a state of the United States of America way back in the year 2010, and then was ressurrected as it's own subdivision of the Heiphon system, we've taken our yodeling very seriously. And that's why I'm proud to be the judge of this year's competition! Thank you!" He then went and sat down in a folding chair with the word 'JUDJE' written on the back in permanent marker. "Let it begin!"
Jim was really nervous waiting for his turn. Being the 45th person, he had a long way to go. The first person was some lady. She gave a hugely long yodel. It was kind of repetetive though. "YODELODELODELODELODELODELODELODELODELODEL!" She probably got docked for that. Number 14 was a guy with a poorly shaven beard who just told everyone that he thought it was a cooking competition and that he'd never yodeled in his life. Number 29 was Gwen Kahn. He had a weird yodel that was interspersed with bits of interpretive dance. Nobody really understood it. Number 33 was a guy who couldn't talk and did strange sign-language yodeling. All in all it was a crazy and retarded experience. Before he knew it it was his turn. Jim walked up to the microphone nervously, then unleased the greatest yodel in history. It was brilliant, engaging and whimsical. It brought to light some touchy subjects about society, and had hidden subliminal messages that said "I ROCK AT YODELING". It was a truly amazing experience. It was so awesome that the judge fainted and had to be taken to the hospital. Of course, he was in no condition to award the giant cash prize to anyone.
"Well SHIT." swore Jim.
The moral of this story is that overachieving is good sometimes, but for everything that isn't school it's kind of pointless. The other moral is to not get carried away writing your chapters otherwise they'll be like 20 pages long (that's seriously how big this one is). So, TO BE CONTINUED is your best friend! Unfortunately, I do not approve of such practices. That is why I have novel-length chapters. Cool huh?
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And that's that! Remember kids, a review a day keeps the doctors away, so write write write!
Jet: Crap! We've got a serious doctor situation in Sector Five! They've broken through! I repeat, they've broken through!
Damn! How's the rest of the ship holding up?
Jet: Badly sir! They're approaching from all sides! This is no minor skirmish! They're launching a full-on attack!
Fire the anti-doctor cannons! Fire!
Jet: It's too late! They've taken out the weapons stations! We're doomed!
It's never too late with me at the helm! Seal off the bridge! Make sure they can't get through to us! This is important since we are the only people on the ship.
Jet: Roger! Now propping numerous chairs up against the door!
What!? That's all we've got?!
Jet: We used the rest to protect the snacks, sir! *sounds of crashing from the other side of the door, we see a scalpel break through the door*
Doctor: We're coming for yoooooouuuu!
Me and Jet: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Will our heroes escape the doctor threat? Will we survive? I dunno! It all depends on you reviewers now! You see, we need reviews to charge our anti-doctor cannons. This is the final apocalyptic battle between man and doctor, and the outcome in your hands. (Make us win.)