Well jeez, it looks like another lovely handsome day. Better
write a chapter or something. This is the first chapter I've entirely
thrown out the thought of 'storyline', and just ad-libbed the whole
mess. Except maybe Chapter 7. Man, that one was awesome.
Anyways, let's see how this goes.
Jet: What about the doctors?
Doctors? What doctors?
Jet: You know, the doctors that were threatening our lives.
The readers wrote some great reviews, I guess. I don't wanna think about those damn doctors. Just shut up, I'm tired.
Jet: Fine...fine... *mumbling* you lazy bastard.
WHAT WAS THAT?!?
Jet: Uh, nuthin'.
YES IT WAS! YOU CALLED ME A LAZY BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A SLEEPY PERSON THAT WAY! I'M DOCKING YOUR SALARY!
Jet: :(
I can already tell this is going to be a bad chapter, but read it anyway.
--------------------
Gene was walking along inside a library. He was looking for a book. I mean, what else are you going to do in a library? They already finished the children's book reading time, and that was pretty much the only reason Gene went into libraries. "Hmmm... Hank the Cowdog... Would that be under reference?" wondered Gene, looking through the shelves of books. "I'm missing the latest adventure..." He wasn't looking where he was going, and so he bumped into a woman who was also looking for a book, knocking her down. "Oh, sorry about that." said Gene, reaching down to give her a hand. "Didn't see you there."
She giggled and stood up. "Oh, it's no trouble at all." she smiled. It was about now that Gene noticed that she was very pretty.
"Hey, you wanna go party or something?" he asked sheepishly.
"By party, do you mean actually partying or are you implying acts of a sexual nature?" she asked.
"I didn't understand most of those words, but I noticed the word 'sex' in there, and yeah I guess that's pretty much all I'm after." he shrugged.
"Perv!" she said, hitting him with a hardcover copy of Stephen King's 'It'.
Gene lay bloodied and gasping for air on the ground. "Have mercy..." he choked, "At least switch to something shorter, like the unabridged dictionary."
She sighed. "If you insist, weakling." then she began beating him to death with the unabridged dictionary.
"Ah, much better." Gene said, sighing with relief. "Ow! Oooh! Ow! My body! Ow! Can't you hit me anywhere other than THERE!? Ouch!" Hm. This is a weird way to start the chapter. Oh well.
...........
"So, Gene is gone for the day?" asked Suzuka.
"Yep, he was beaten nearly to death with a whole bunch of Stephen King novels." sighed Jim. "I'm gonna miss him if he DIES." They were all hanging out in their special house thing. You know, their house thing they have on Heiphon.
Suzuka stood up. "Well, I hope he gets better. Meanwhile, I've got a blind date Fred set me up with."
"A blind date set up by FRED?" asked Jim. "Isn't that a little dangerous?"
"It's a LOT dangerous. But Fred told me he's a really nice guy." said Suzuka, heading out the door. "Later."
"Fred thinks everyone's a nice guy." said Jim, crossing his arms. "Ah well, see ya. Have fun."
Aisha entered the room, yawning. "Hey, where's Suzu going?"
"Who?" wondered Jim, flipping through a newspaper. "Oh, Suzuka. She's going on a blind date with some guy Fred set her up with."
"Ooo." said Aisha. "Sounds like fun. Wish I could go!" She looked around. "Something's different about this room."
"Huh? Oh, I put in a NEW COFFEE TABLE!" shouted Jim, tossing aside his newspaper, standing up and pointing at the coffee table. "Meet the Coffee Table Maximus, the awesomest coffee table in the universe!"
"Uh, hi there Mr. Maximus." Aisha said, waving to the coffee table.
Jim coughed. "Use his full name please."
"Oh. Hi there Mr. Coffee Table Maximus. I'm Aisha. Pleasure to meet you." said Aisha. Maximus remained silent.
"I think he likes you." said Jim.
"No WAY! You really think so?" giggled Aisha, blushing.
"Totally!" laughed Jim.
"Omigod! Is my hair okay?" wondered Aisha. "He must think I'm a total spaz!" she cried and ran away.
Jim sighed. "Pffff. Nice work, MAXIMUS. You broke her heart."
[AND NOW, A COMMERCIAL!]
Announcer: Doo doo doo dee doo! Coming this week on Bravo! The wildly anticipated spinoff of the hugely popular Queer Eye for the Straight Guy comes... QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY: OUTLAW STAR EDITION. *various shots of people getting into cars and stuff*
Announcer: Grab a bucket of popcorn and watch your favorite questionable sexuality Outlaw Star characters make over people across the universe! Now, meet the new Queer Eye team!
FRED! *shot of Fred winking* GILLIAM! *shot of little pink Gilliam-bot in a skirt* TOBEIGERA! *shot of Tobeigera giving a thumbs up* HARRY MACDOUGALL! *shot of Harry kicking the camera* uh, and just for the hell of it: JHEMAN! *shot of Me*
Me: Wait, what the hell?
Announcer: Watch this sample clip of our queer guys making over the Saurian, General Duuz! *shot of car driving up to a house we can only presume is Duuz's. The 4 queer guys and one totally awesome straight guy get out of the car and ring Duuz's doorbell*
Duuz: *answers* Who are you guys? What do you want?
Gilliam: *perched on Fred's shoulder* We're the....
All: QUEER GUYS!!!! *rainbows and flowers fly everywhere*
Me: God, I can't believe I just said that.
Harry: We're here to give you a queer makeover!
Duuz: I don't need a queer makeover. I just got a perfectly good straight makeover the other day.
Fred: Oh, but ours are better! MUCH BETTER!
Duuz: Well, if you insist. *welcomes us into his house*
Gilliam: Oh NO! What horrors are these?! CHARTREUSE WALLPAPER?!
Fred: My blind, heterosexual GRANDMOTHER has better taste in wall hangings than you!
Harry: You have LINOLEUM in your living room?!
Duuz: Uh, actually this is my bathroom.
Harry: *sigh* Silly silly Duuz. A man's bathroom IS his living room!
Duuz: It is?
Harry: 'Cha! Now get rid of this lifeless and uninspired wall sculpture and add some COLOR!
Duuz: ...My toothbrush holder?
Harry: Whatever you want to call it. I call it avant garde bullshit!
Announcer: See all our queer guys' work pay off on the big night!
Me: Two different plaids?! TWO DIFFERENT PLAIDS?! Are you even TRYING??
Duuz: I thought it was a very blunt statement. You know, really make me stand out in a crowd.
Me: You don't want to stand out! You wanna blend in! Be mellow! Duuz: Ah, so THAT'S it.
Tobeigera: No! He's wrong! You need VIBRANCE! COLOR! FLAMBOYANCE! PANACHE! All that good stuff! Express yourself!
Duuz: No, I think JHeman has a point.
Me: Yeah! You're all WRONG, Tobeigera!
Tobeigera: You wanna START something, straight-boy?!
Me: You bet I do! I never liked you, Tobeigera! That's why I write you being so dumb in my story!
Tobeigera: *leaps at me* YYAARRR! THIS IS FOR THAT CRAPPY PIRATE JOKE YOU MADE ME TELL! *begins strangling me*
Me: *cough...hack* Dying...
MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE
Duuz: Valeria, will you marry me?
Valeria: Oh Duuz! Of course I will! *they kiss*
BACK INSIDE
Fred: Hooray! Alright, cheers you guys! *holds up wineglass*
Harry: Cheers!
Gilliam: Cheers! Even though I'm too small to hold a wineglass.
Tobeigera: *has me in a full nelson* Cheers!
Me: *unidentifiable guttral noise*
[AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!]
Suzuka glanced up at the title of the spanish restaurant she was going to to meet her date. "Los Expensivistos?" she wondered. "That sounds expensive." She shrugged and went inside. Instead of seeing a stereotypical Taco bell like she expected, it was actually pretty fancy. She walked up to the guy at the receptionist thing that holds receptionist people. You know what I mean. The desk whatever. I'm sleepy. "Excuse me, I'm one half of a reservation for two?" she told the lady there.
"Yes...Ms. Twilight Suzuka?" asked the lady.
"Yeah, that's me." said Suzuka.
"Excellent. You partner phoned us in a moment ago to tell us that he'd be a little late getting here. He wanted us to tell you." she said. "Come, let me show you to your seat."
"Hm, well at least he seems polite." said Suzuka, taking a seat after the lady showed her to her table. "Now lets take a look at this menu." she examined it. "Chimichangas... chimichangas... oooh, chimichangas that have been genetically altered to taste like shrimp!" She looked up from her menu. She saw a guy approaching her table. He was tall, had a pretty dark tan, a hawaiian shirt, shoulder length blonde hair, and sunglasses... "Oh hell. Not him."
"Yo! Suzuka, baby!" shouted Dave the Sunglasses Guy. "Lookin' fine!"
"Uh, I was just leaving." said Suzuka.
"Aw c'mon, just stay for dinner." begged Dave, getting on his knees. "I'm not that bad, am I?"
Suzuka sighed. "Alright, but just for dinner. And this is only because it hurts seeing you being so horribly pathetic."
"Rockin'!" yelled Dave, pumping his fist in the air and resuming his seat.
A waitress walked over to their table. "Have you decided what you want to start out with?"
"Let me start of with a basket of chips. Then move on to the pollo asado taco. I would like two pollo asado tacos with one beef chimichanga. On the chimichanga, I would like a side of sour cream." said Suzuka, reading. "I would like tomatoes and onions on my quesadilla. For the dessert I would like the chalupa. I would like extra cinnamon. Do you make guacamole?"
"Yes, we do make guacamole." said the waitress.
"Uh, I would like a side of guacamole on my Tostitos. I like to dip the Tositos in the guacamole. Can I get a basket, I told you about a basket of chips. I would like a large iced-tea... uh, 2 large iced-teas." said Suzuka.
"Whoa. Uh, okay. And what will you have, sir?" asked the waitress.
"I would like a basket of chips, and a beef chimichanga with a side of sour cream." asked Dave. "I would like some guacamole on my chimichanga with a quesadilla of tomato, onion, and vegetables. I should like a burrito with beef, beans, and I would like a carne asado taco. Could you put some hot sauce on that for me? No, inside the taco. Not on the side. Yes, can I have a carne asado taco? Do you have guacamole? Can you make me some guacamole?"
"We have guacamole." said the waitress, staring.
"Ok, on my burrito I would like the muchaco beef and the shredded pork. And some more cheese, please." said Dave.
The waitress blinked. "Okay...your order will be here in a moment." She walked away. Man, that was a long Ween reference.
........
Aisha looked around the living room. Jim was nowhere to be found. She slowly and hesitantly walked over to Maximus. "Maximus, now that we're alone, there's some things I'd like to get off my chest." She took a deep breath. "Maximus, I don't like how we never communicate anymore. It's like you're all alone in your little world and you don't have enough time for me anymore. Like I'm a wall. Also, I just don't think there's any real chemistry between us. I mean, I'm a Ctarl Ctarl. You're a coffee table. That makes us sound like the perfect match, but it's just not working that way. Also, I've been seeing another piece of furniture. Lonnie, the nightstand. He's really funny, and I think we're really meshing together." she pulled a ring off her finger. "Here, you can have this back. I hope we can still be friends." She put the ring on top of Maximus, making a small clack on his polished surface. Then she stood up, Maximus' one and only true love, and walked out of Maximus' life. And Maximus was totally helpless to stop her.
.........
"Well Dave, that was a really good dinner." said Suzuka. "I can't thank you enough for paying my way."
"Don't mention it!" laughed Dave. "It wasn't a problem at all. My treat."
Suzuka laughed. "Well, I better be heading back home..."
"No..wait!" said Dave. "Don't you wanna go to the movies? I've got two tickets to a cheap matinee of Weekend at Bernie's!"
Suzuka resisted temptation. "I really shouldn't... even though that movie's awesome."
"It'll be great!" pressed Dave. "Besides, if you haven't seen it on a theater screen, you haven't seen it at ALL."
Suzuka shrugged. "Ah, you convinced me. Let's get going."
"Killer!" shouted Dave. "Taxi! Taxi!" Dave waved his arms around, trying to attract a taxi. He ran into the street trying to attract one, which in retrospect wasn't that smart.
A guy was driving a car sown the street. "HOLY CRAP! THERE'S A GUY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!" he swerved off the road to avoid Dave, only to miss him and hit some little kid on the sidewalk. The guy got out of his car. "It wasn't my fault! It was that guy in the road and his girlfriend!"
"Aaaaahhh!" yelled Dave. Then a team of angry townsfolk swarmed over him. "No! NO! NOOOOOO! Suzuka, Help me!"
But there was nothing Suzuka could do. The townsfolk carried him away to prison.
"Thanks a lot, you damn townsfolk!" yelled Suzuka. "You just ruined a potentially beautiful relationship! I hope you're real damn proud of yourselves!"
..........
Jim flipped through the TV channels. "Oooo. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: Trigun Edition! I'm gonna have to catch that when it airs!" he laughed, switching the channel.
"In related news," said a newslady, "A team of seven deadly pirates and their leader were discovered stranded in the deserts of old planet Earth. They were obviously up to no good, and are now doing a minimum of forty years in the high gravity prison of Hekaton Keirez. More on this story as it develops."
He switched off the TV and went into the living room to get the newspaper he was reading earlier. He stopped at the doorway, jumping back in terror. "OH MY GOD! MAXIMUS, WHY?!" Jim ran over to Maximus. Apparently it had decided to hang itself. He began untying the noose. "OH GOD NO! DON'T DIE ON ME MAXIMUS!" he finally flipped out his switchblade and cut the rope, sending Maximus crashing to the floor. He checked for a pulse. There was none. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jim cried to the heavens.
Aisha entered the room. "Hey, what's going on?"
"It's Maximus!" sobbed Jim embracing Maximus' corpse. "He...he killed himself!"
Aisha bent down and held Maximus in her arms. "NO! Maximus... it wasn't supposed to end this way! You... you are the one I love!" she cried. She wiped her tears from her eyes. "He wouldn't have done it if I hadn't broken up with him! It's all my fault! Why Jim, why?! Why does life hate me!?" she began sobbing into Jims arms. I am writing this at 3:30 in the morning.
Suzuka entered the room. "Hi guys. I'm back." she said sadly. "The date was a disaster. We were gonna go see a movie and then go to makeout point and get romantic, but NO. The dame villagers have to show up and ruin the whole thing. Stupid villagers." she then noticed what was happening in the room. "Uh, what's going on?"
"Aisha's best friend Maximus committed suicide." sighed Jim. "And it's all Aisha's fault."
"Damn. That sucks." she kneeled down next to Aisha. "Look, the first time someone commits suicide because of you is always tough. It never gets easy. Me, I've had like 40 people commit suicide because of me. Yeah, I've got mental problems now, but nothing major."
Aisha stood up. She wiped her tears with her sleeve. "You know, you're right Suzuka. It's time I moved on." she looked at Maximus. "We'll give him a burial at sea. It's what he's always wanted."
"Wait, Maximus is a coffee table?" wondered Suzuka.
"Of course." said Aisha. "I thought you knew that."
Suzuka sighed, shook her head, and walked up the stairs to her room. "You guys are all crazy."
-----------------
So yeah, that's the end of a chapter. That turned out a whole lot better than I expected. That whole Maximus ordeal was kinda depressing wasn't it? I'm not exactly a great judge. It's about 4:00 in the morning and I've been in a permanently stoned state for about 24 hours now due to the wonders of nyquil (that's some f***ed up shit), so just about anything can be considered depressing. I won't be putting up a new chapter for about another two months due to bad grade related problems, so don't hold your breath. So I'll take this opportunity to name this chapter THE END OF SEASON ONE! I have no idea what's in store for season two. Or if indeed I have anything in store for season two. I'm kind of running dry on this story lately. In layman's terms, that means I'm getting bored and f***ing sick of writing it. But don't worry, I'm sure a two-month sabbatical is more than enough to rejuvenate my interest in it. Well, see ya. *cries*
Jet: What about the doctors?
Doctors? What doctors?
Jet: You know, the doctors that were threatening our lives.
The readers wrote some great reviews, I guess. I don't wanna think about those damn doctors. Just shut up, I'm tired.
Jet: Fine...fine... *mumbling* you lazy bastard.
WHAT WAS THAT?!?
Jet: Uh, nuthin'.
YES IT WAS! YOU CALLED ME A LAZY BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A SLEEPY PERSON THAT WAY! I'M DOCKING YOUR SALARY!
Jet: :(
I can already tell this is going to be a bad chapter, but read it anyway.
--------------------
Gene was walking along inside a library. He was looking for a book. I mean, what else are you going to do in a library? They already finished the children's book reading time, and that was pretty much the only reason Gene went into libraries. "Hmmm... Hank the Cowdog... Would that be under reference?" wondered Gene, looking through the shelves of books. "I'm missing the latest adventure..." He wasn't looking where he was going, and so he bumped into a woman who was also looking for a book, knocking her down. "Oh, sorry about that." said Gene, reaching down to give her a hand. "Didn't see you there."
She giggled and stood up. "Oh, it's no trouble at all." she smiled. It was about now that Gene noticed that she was very pretty.
"Hey, you wanna go party or something?" he asked sheepishly.
"By party, do you mean actually partying or are you implying acts of a sexual nature?" she asked.
"I didn't understand most of those words, but I noticed the word 'sex' in there, and yeah I guess that's pretty much all I'm after." he shrugged.
"Perv!" she said, hitting him with a hardcover copy of Stephen King's 'It'.
Gene lay bloodied and gasping for air on the ground. "Have mercy..." he choked, "At least switch to something shorter, like the unabridged dictionary."
She sighed. "If you insist, weakling." then she began beating him to death with the unabridged dictionary.
"Ah, much better." Gene said, sighing with relief. "Ow! Oooh! Ow! My body! Ow! Can't you hit me anywhere other than THERE!? Ouch!" Hm. This is a weird way to start the chapter. Oh well.
...........
"So, Gene is gone for the day?" asked Suzuka.
"Yep, he was beaten nearly to death with a whole bunch of Stephen King novels." sighed Jim. "I'm gonna miss him if he DIES." They were all hanging out in their special house thing. You know, their house thing they have on Heiphon.
Suzuka stood up. "Well, I hope he gets better. Meanwhile, I've got a blind date Fred set me up with."
"A blind date set up by FRED?" asked Jim. "Isn't that a little dangerous?"
"It's a LOT dangerous. But Fred told me he's a really nice guy." said Suzuka, heading out the door. "Later."
"Fred thinks everyone's a nice guy." said Jim, crossing his arms. "Ah well, see ya. Have fun."
Aisha entered the room, yawning. "Hey, where's Suzu going?"
"Who?" wondered Jim, flipping through a newspaper. "Oh, Suzuka. She's going on a blind date with some guy Fred set her up with."
"Ooo." said Aisha. "Sounds like fun. Wish I could go!" She looked around. "Something's different about this room."
"Huh? Oh, I put in a NEW COFFEE TABLE!" shouted Jim, tossing aside his newspaper, standing up and pointing at the coffee table. "Meet the Coffee Table Maximus, the awesomest coffee table in the universe!"
"Uh, hi there Mr. Maximus." Aisha said, waving to the coffee table.
Jim coughed. "Use his full name please."
"Oh. Hi there Mr. Coffee Table Maximus. I'm Aisha. Pleasure to meet you." said Aisha. Maximus remained silent.
"I think he likes you." said Jim.
"No WAY! You really think so?" giggled Aisha, blushing.
"Totally!" laughed Jim.
"Omigod! Is my hair okay?" wondered Aisha. "He must think I'm a total spaz!" she cried and ran away.
Jim sighed. "Pffff. Nice work, MAXIMUS. You broke her heart."
[AND NOW, A COMMERCIAL!]
Announcer: Doo doo doo dee doo! Coming this week on Bravo! The wildly anticipated spinoff of the hugely popular Queer Eye for the Straight Guy comes... QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY: OUTLAW STAR EDITION. *various shots of people getting into cars and stuff*
Announcer: Grab a bucket of popcorn and watch your favorite questionable sexuality Outlaw Star characters make over people across the universe! Now, meet the new Queer Eye team!
FRED! *shot of Fred winking* GILLIAM! *shot of little pink Gilliam-bot in a skirt* TOBEIGERA! *shot of Tobeigera giving a thumbs up* HARRY MACDOUGALL! *shot of Harry kicking the camera* uh, and just for the hell of it: JHEMAN! *shot of Me*
Me: Wait, what the hell?
Announcer: Watch this sample clip of our queer guys making over the Saurian, General Duuz! *shot of car driving up to a house we can only presume is Duuz's. The 4 queer guys and one totally awesome straight guy get out of the car and ring Duuz's doorbell*
Duuz: *answers* Who are you guys? What do you want?
Gilliam: *perched on Fred's shoulder* We're the....
All: QUEER GUYS!!!! *rainbows and flowers fly everywhere*
Me: God, I can't believe I just said that.
Harry: We're here to give you a queer makeover!
Duuz: I don't need a queer makeover. I just got a perfectly good straight makeover the other day.
Fred: Oh, but ours are better! MUCH BETTER!
Duuz: Well, if you insist. *welcomes us into his house*
Gilliam: Oh NO! What horrors are these?! CHARTREUSE WALLPAPER?!
Fred: My blind, heterosexual GRANDMOTHER has better taste in wall hangings than you!
Harry: You have LINOLEUM in your living room?!
Duuz: Uh, actually this is my bathroom.
Harry: *sigh* Silly silly Duuz. A man's bathroom IS his living room!
Duuz: It is?
Harry: 'Cha! Now get rid of this lifeless and uninspired wall sculpture and add some COLOR!
Duuz: ...My toothbrush holder?
Harry: Whatever you want to call it. I call it avant garde bullshit!
Announcer: See all our queer guys' work pay off on the big night!
Me: Two different plaids?! TWO DIFFERENT PLAIDS?! Are you even TRYING??
Duuz: I thought it was a very blunt statement. You know, really make me stand out in a crowd.
Me: You don't want to stand out! You wanna blend in! Be mellow! Duuz: Ah, so THAT'S it.
Tobeigera: No! He's wrong! You need VIBRANCE! COLOR! FLAMBOYANCE! PANACHE! All that good stuff! Express yourself!
Duuz: No, I think JHeman has a point.
Me: Yeah! You're all WRONG, Tobeigera!
Tobeigera: You wanna START something, straight-boy?!
Me: You bet I do! I never liked you, Tobeigera! That's why I write you being so dumb in my story!
Tobeigera: *leaps at me* YYAARRR! THIS IS FOR THAT CRAPPY PIRATE JOKE YOU MADE ME TELL! *begins strangling me*
Me: *cough...hack* Dying...
MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE
Duuz: Valeria, will you marry me?
Valeria: Oh Duuz! Of course I will! *they kiss*
BACK INSIDE
Fred: Hooray! Alright, cheers you guys! *holds up wineglass*
Harry: Cheers!
Gilliam: Cheers! Even though I'm too small to hold a wineglass.
Tobeigera: *has me in a full nelson* Cheers!
Me: *unidentifiable guttral noise*
[AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!]
Suzuka glanced up at the title of the spanish restaurant she was going to to meet her date. "Los Expensivistos?" she wondered. "That sounds expensive." She shrugged and went inside. Instead of seeing a stereotypical Taco bell like she expected, it was actually pretty fancy. She walked up to the guy at the receptionist thing that holds receptionist people. You know what I mean. The desk whatever. I'm sleepy. "Excuse me, I'm one half of a reservation for two?" she told the lady there.
"Yes...Ms. Twilight Suzuka?" asked the lady.
"Yeah, that's me." said Suzuka.
"Excellent. You partner phoned us in a moment ago to tell us that he'd be a little late getting here. He wanted us to tell you." she said. "Come, let me show you to your seat."
"Hm, well at least he seems polite." said Suzuka, taking a seat after the lady showed her to her table. "Now lets take a look at this menu." she examined it. "Chimichangas... chimichangas... oooh, chimichangas that have been genetically altered to taste like shrimp!" She looked up from her menu. She saw a guy approaching her table. He was tall, had a pretty dark tan, a hawaiian shirt, shoulder length blonde hair, and sunglasses... "Oh hell. Not him."
"Yo! Suzuka, baby!" shouted Dave the Sunglasses Guy. "Lookin' fine!"
"Uh, I was just leaving." said Suzuka.
"Aw c'mon, just stay for dinner." begged Dave, getting on his knees. "I'm not that bad, am I?"
Suzuka sighed. "Alright, but just for dinner. And this is only because it hurts seeing you being so horribly pathetic."
"Rockin'!" yelled Dave, pumping his fist in the air and resuming his seat.
A waitress walked over to their table. "Have you decided what you want to start out with?"
"Let me start of with a basket of chips. Then move on to the pollo asado taco. I would like two pollo asado tacos with one beef chimichanga. On the chimichanga, I would like a side of sour cream." said Suzuka, reading. "I would like tomatoes and onions on my quesadilla. For the dessert I would like the chalupa. I would like extra cinnamon. Do you make guacamole?"
"Yes, we do make guacamole." said the waitress.
"Uh, I would like a side of guacamole on my Tostitos. I like to dip the Tositos in the guacamole. Can I get a basket, I told you about a basket of chips. I would like a large iced-tea... uh, 2 large iced-teas." said Suzuka.
"Whoa. Uh, okay. And what will you have, sir?" asked the waitress.
"I would like a basket of chips, and a beef chimichanga with a side of sour cream." asked Dave. "I would like some guacamole on my chimichanga with a quesadilla of tomato, onion, and vegetables. I should like a burrito with beef, beans, and I would like a carne asado taco. Could you put some hot sauce on that for me? No, inside the taco. Not on the side. Yes, can I have a carne asado taco? Do you have guacamole? Can you make me some guacamole?"
"We have guacamole." said the waitress, staring.
"Ok, on my burrito I would like the muchaco beef and the shredded pork. And some more cheese, please." said Dave.
The waitress blinked. "Okay...your order will be here in a moment." She walked away. Man, that was a long Ween reference.
........
Aisha looked around the living room. Jim was nowhere to be found. She slowly and hesitantly walked over to Maximus. "Maximus, now that we're alone, there's some things I'd like to get off my chest." She took a deep breath. "Maximus, I don't like how we never communicate anymore. It's like you're all alone in your little world and you don't have enough time for me anymore. Like I'm a wall. Also, I just don't think there's any real chemistry between us. I mean, I'm a Ctarl Ctarl. You're a coffee table. That makes us sound like the perfect match, but it's just not working that way. Also, I've been seeing another piece of furniture. Lonnie, the nightstand. He's really funny, and I think we're really meshing together." she pulled a ring off her finger. "Here, you can have this back. I hope we can still be friends." She put the ring on top of Maximus, making a small clack on his polished surface. Then she stood up, Maximus' one and only true love, and walked out of Maximus' life. And Maximus was totally helpless to stop her.
.........
"Well Dave, that was a really good dinner." said Suzuka. "I can't thank you enough for paying my way."
"Don't mention it!" laughed Dave. "It wasn't a problem at all. My treat."
Suzuka laughed. "Well, I better be heading back home..."
"No..wait!" said Dave. "Don't you wanna go to the movies? I've got two tickets to a cheap matinee of Weekend at Bernie's!"
Suzuka resisted temptation. "I really shouldn't... even though that movie's awesome."
"It'll be great!" pressed Dave. "Besides, if you haven't seen it on a theater screen, you haven't seen it at ALL."
Suzuka shrugged. "Ah, you convinced me. Let's get going."
"Killer!" shouted Dave. "Taxi! Taxi!" Dave waved his arms around, trying to attract a taxi. He ran into the street trying to attract one, which in retrospect wasn't that smart.
A guy was driving a car sown the street. "HOLY CRAP! THERE'S A GUY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!" he swerved off the road to avoid Dave, only to miss him and hit some little kid on the sidewalk. The guy got out of his car. "It wasn't my fault! It was that guy in the road and his girlfriend!"
"Aaaaahhh!" yelled Dave. Then a team of angry townsfolk swarmed over him. "No! NO! NOOOOOO! Suzuka, Help me!"
But there was nothing Suzuka could do. The townsfolk carried him away to prison.
"Thanks a lot, you damn townsfolk!" yelled Suzuka. "You just ruined a potentially beautiful relationship! I hope you're real damn proud of yourselves!"
..........
Jim flipped through the TV channels. "Oooo. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: Trigun Edition! I'm gonna have to catch that when it airs!" he laughed, switching the channel.
"In related news," said a newslady, "A team of seven deadly pirates and their leader were discovered stranded in the deserts of old planet Earth. They were obviously up to no good, and are now doing a minimum of forty years in the high gravity prison of Hekaton Keirez. More on this story as it develops."
He switched off the TV and went into the living room to get the newspaper he was reading earlier. He stopped at the doorway, jumping back in terror. "OH MY GOD! MAXIMUS, WHY?!" Jim ran over to Maximus. Apparently it had decided to hang itself. He began untying the noose. "OH GOD NO! DON'T DIE ON ME MAXIMUS!" he finally flipped out his switchblade and cut the rope, sending Maximus crashing to the floor. He checked for a pulse. There was none. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jim cried to the heavens.
Aisha entered the room. "Hey, what's going on?"
"It's Maximus!" sobbed Jim embracing Maximus' corpse. "He...he killed himself!"
Aisha bent down and held Maximus in her arms. "NO! Maximus... it wasn't supposed to end this way! You... you are the one I love!" she cried. She wiped her tears from her eyes. "He wouldn't have done it if I hadn't broken up with him! It's all my fault! Why Jim, why?! Why does life hate me!?" she began sobbing into Jims arms. I am writing this at 3:30 in the morning.
Suzuka entered the room. "Hi guys. I'm back." she said sadly. "The date was a disaster. We were gonna go see a movie and then go to makeout point and get romantic, but NO. The dame villagers have to show up and ruin the whole thing. Stupid villagers." she then noticed what was happening in the room. "Uh, what's going on?"
"Aisha's best friend Maximus committed suicide." sighed Jim. "And it's all Aisha's fault."
"Damn. That sucks." she kneeled down next to Aisha. "Look, the first time someone commits suicide because of you is always tough. It never gets easy. Me, I've had like 40 people commit suicide because of me. Yeah, I've got mental problems now, but nothing major."
Aisha stood up. She wiped her tears with her sleeve. "You know, you're right Suzuka. It's time I moved on." she looked at Maximus. "We'll give him a burial at sea. It's what he's always wanted."
"Wait, Maximus is a coffee table?" wondered Suzuka.
"Of course." said Aisha. "I thought you knew that."
Suzuka sighed, shook her head, and walked up the stairs to her room. "You guys are all crazy."
-----------------
So yeah, that's the end of a chapter. That turned out a whole lot better than I expected. That whole Maximus ordeal was kinda depressing wasn't it? I'm not exactly a great judge. It's about 4:00 in the morning and I've been in a permanently stoned state for about 24 hours now due to the wonders of nyquil (that's some f***ed up shit), so just about anything can be considered depressing. I won't be putting up a new chapter for about another two months due to bad grade related problems, so don't hold your breath. So I'll take this opportunity to name this chapter THE END OF SEASON ONE! I have no idea what's in store for season two. Or if indeed I have anything in store for season two. I'm kind of running dry on this story lately. In layman's terms, that means I'm getting bored and f***ing sick of writing it. But don't worry, I'm sure a two-month sabbatical is more than enough to rejuvenate my interest in it. Well, see ya. *cries*