Look, it's another chapter! So very soon! I really really like this
one a bunch. I think I did a good job despite how rushed it
was. I didn't have time to proofread it or spell check so I don't
know how many problems are in it. Have fun with it anyway.
--------------
It was a day of some kind in orbit around the planet Hekaton Keirez. The Anten Five (plus Tobeigera) were in the Geomancer, having freshly escaped from prison. The had Tobeigera tied up as their prisoner. I can't imagine why they'd want to keep that annoying bastard around even longer. I guess you'd better ask them, because I sure don't know.
"Help me Rhonda! Help help me Rhonda!" sang Tobeigera. "Oh, help me Rhonda! Help help me Rhonda!"
"Dude, shut up." said Jukei. "Hitoriga, throw another tomato at him for me, will you?"
Hitoriga groaned and threw his 307th tomato at Tobeigera. "Why don't you just take off your stupid straitjacket and throw them yourself?"
"Yeah, man. Seriously." said Leilong. These three guys were in charge of punishing Tobeigera for no reason. Once again, I don't really understand their motives.
"Also, why are we doing this anyway?" asked Hitoriga, casually chucking a tomato at him. "Shouldn't we have just left him back in prison?"
"Hazanko's holding him ransom. He figures SOMEONE in the universe cares about whether he lives or dies." sighed Jukei. "Hang on, try and hit his eye."
"Dude, I've hit his eye like 40 times." said Leilong.
"No, not with a tomato. Use one of the railroad spikes." said Jukei.
"I thought we were saving those for the stomach and groin." said Hitoriga uncertainly.
"No, that's the bowling balls and Stephen King hardcover novels." replied Jukei.
"Dude, sweet." said Leilong. "Did you get 'Misery'?"
"Oh yeah. It's allll here." laughed Jukei evilly.
"Help me Rhonda! Help help me Rhonda! Help me get her outta my heeaaarrt!" sang Tobeigera.
"Shut up, dammit!" yelled Leilong, chucking a tomato at him. "Why the hell are you singing dumb surfer tunes anyway?"
"Dude, didn't you know?" asked Hitoriga. "Today marks 1,000 years since the Beach Boys' first album was released! Around the universe it's being called 'The Resurrection'."
"The resurrection? What the hell are you talking about?" asked Jukei.
"Well, back in the year 2007 the Beach Boys' lead singer was dying of lung cancer." said Hitoriga. "On his deathbed he swore that in 1,000 years he and the rest of the band would rise again from the dead and give the BIGGEST REUNION TOUR OF ALL TIME!"
"Really? That sounds rad!" enthused Leilong.
"Well, they never really said they'd do a big reunion tour." admitted Hitoriga. "I made that part up myself. I think what they really said was that they'd bring about the downfall of civilization, destroying all who refused to join their undead army. Something like that."
"..She'll have fun fun fun till her daddy takes the T-bird awaayyy... ooooaooooaaaaooo..." mumbled Tobeigera.
"Undead army would be better than what we're stuck doing now." grumbled Leilong, throwing another tomato at Tobeigera.
.......
It was a finger-licking good, melts in your mouth and not your hand day down in the Party Ship crew's home base on Heiphon. Aisha was retelling the tale of Reno's marriage to Jim, who got out of the prison after he tricked the police into believing that his mysterious powder really was oregano. Jim, you magnificent bastard.
"And then I'm all: 'I OBJECT!'" yelled Aisha. "And then the people in the church are all: 'The priest can't object!'"
"...This is really stupid, Aisha." said Jim.
"Come on, the best part's coming up!" argued Aisha. "So I say: 'Oh I can't, can I?!' Then I transform into my super wolf form and start eating people! And Reno was all: 'Aisha! You're ruining my wedding!'"
Just then Gene entered the room. "What's going on? I heard what sounded like screams of pain!" he asked worriedly.
"Half of those were Jim's due to boredom, and half of them were from this tape I made to better dramaticize my gruesome slaughter of all the people in that chapel!" She picked up the tape and pressed play. A series of horrible screams emanated from the speaker. "Hours and hours of nonstop screaming!"
Just then the screaming stopped and a small monotone voice began to talk. "Please insert tape 426."
"Already?" asked Aisha, amazed. "That one went really fast!"
"Uh, sorry I interrupted." sighed Gene. "How do you guys want your omelettes?"
"Extra pepper on mine." said Jim.
"I don't want one." said Aisha. "I'm still full from devouring my entire family."
Gene stared at her. "Aisha, you're scary. You've been even scarier since we've gotten back from Las Vegadopia." he paused. "Hey, have either of you seen Melfina anywhere?"
Aisha gulped. "No, I haven't seen her. She must have disappeared some time during the wedding ceremony."
"That makes sense." said Gene. "But, why would she leave?" he sniffled a little bit. "Ever since she left its been like this big burning hole in my heart. I never had time to really tell her how I feel about her, but now that she's gone I can't stop thinking about her." He closed his eyes. "If I close my eyes I can still see her pretty eyes, her cheery smile. I can still feel her joyous presence around me. I can still feel happy." He reopened his eyes. "But then I open them again and I am reminded of this bitter cold world. A world of sorrow. A world of hate and anguish. A world..." He wiped a stream of tears from his eyes. "...without Melfina."
"Well that sucks." said Aisha. "I dunno about you, but she told ME she was gonna go run off and have a wild time with Harry MacDougall."
Gene's eyes widened. "MACDOUGALL?!!?"
"Yep, apparently she's been seeing him for some time now. How long was it?" She pretended to think. "Oh yeah, 6 or 7 I think."
"MONTHS!?" yelled Gene.
"No, I think it was years." shrugged Aisha. "But she said she'll be gone forever anyway, so it doesn't really matter."
"F-forever?!" moaned Gene weakly. "But....we were in love..."
"All lies of a robot." said Aisha. "She was the MacDougall's spy all along."
"Oh Melfina, you told me you cared about me!" cried Gene to the heavens. "Was it all just a lie?! JUST A PETTY LIE?"
"Yes, yes it was." said Aisha. "In fact late at night she'd brag to me about the lies she told you. She laughed maliciously as she described all the 'romance' she fed you, and the look on your face as you lapped it all up." Gene ran from the room crying.
Just then Suzuka walked into the room. "Eh? Was that Gene running from the room crying?" she asked.
"Yep." said Aisha.
"One of his psychotic Melfina freakouts again?" asked Suzuka.
"Yeah. He can't get enough of those damn things." said Aisha.
"Where is that Melfina, anyway?" asked Suzuka, taking a seat in one of the many comfy chairs in the living room.
"She's gone right now, but she wanted me to tell you that she wants to meet you at 8:30 at the new cactus-proof ice cream stand downtown." shrugged Aisha. "ALONE."
"And exactly what does she mean by that?" said Suzuka skeptically.
"I dunno, but it sounds to me like she's really into your hot bod." shrugged Aisha, switching on the TV.
"What!?!" yelled Suzuka. "Are you sure?!"
"No, not really at all." said Aisha. "I'm just making assumptions because she's had a twin size hotel room reserved weeks in advance, and she just got your name surgically engraved onto her heart."
"Wow, that's so weird! I would have never guessed Melfina was...you know." said Suzuka, taken aback.
"Are you kidding? She's been checking out your curves ever since you joined the team!" laughed Aisha.
"Huh. Well, I'm obviously not going to go meet her." said Suzuka.
"You aren't?" asked Aisha sadly. "Why not?"
"Well first of all, I'm not a lesbian." said Suzuka. "Second of all, I'm going to a Beach Boys seance at 8:30."
"Ah, that big Beach boys resurrection's tonight?" asked Aisha. "I thought that was next week."
"Nope, they're rising from the world beyond to destroy the universe at exactly 11:41 this evening." said Suzuka, glancing at her watch. "We've only go about 6 hours left, you might wanna make the most of life before BEACHY SURFER ARMAGEDDON."
Gene walked into the room with a suitcase. "Guys, I'm going after Melfina. I don't care if she doesn't like me, I just have so many unanswered questions burning in my soul. I need to confront her about my feelings and perhaps end the blinding pain she's caused me." he said. "You guys wanna come?"
"We can't go, Gene! We're gonna miss the end of the universe!" whined Jim.
"Oh, knock it off Jim. There'll be other ends of the universe. There's nothing special about this one." said Aisha.
"Alright, I'll go." sighed Suzuka. "We have to stop off at the big seance along the way though."
"THAT'S TONIGHT!?" yelled Gene. "GOD, WHERE'S MY GREATEST HITS ALBUM?" He ran around the room tearing everything apart, desperately searching for The Beach Boys' Greatest Hits. After he had pulled out a small knife and cut open all the couch cushions, he walked over to the stereo and hit the eject button. "Oh, THERE it is! How many times do I gotta tell you guys not to leave stuff in here when it's not being used?!"
"I thought that only applied to pieces of salami!" argued Aisha.
"Don't think I haven't forgotten about that." replied Gene, biting his lip. "Now whats the number one rule around the house?"
Aisha sighed and recited a line she was obviously familiar with. "'Just because it's round DOESN'T mean it will play in the CD player.' "
"And don't forget it, either." said Gene defensively.
.........
"Ro-on!" whined Harry MacDougall. "This propeller won't fit on this plane! It's broken!"
Ron sighed and rolled his eyes. "Harry, that's not the propeller. That's the wheel." He sighed again and took the model airplane begrudgingly from Harry's hands, putting the wheel in the appropriate place.
"Yay! Thanks Ron!" laughed Harry. "Wow! You're the best big brother ever!"
"Don't mention it." shrugged Ron. "I can't imagine why I even bought you a model airplane in the first place."
"I know why!" said Harry brightly. "Because I whined and nagged and complained incessantly about it for weeks on end!"
"Oh yeah, that's why." said Ron.
"Hey Ron, since it isn't a school night can I stay up late to watch CSI with you at 8:00?" asked Harry. "Please please please please?"
"No, sorry Harry but I'm-" started Ron.
"Please please please with a cherry on top?" interjected Harry, his eyes dampening.
"Sorry, but I'm going to this big seance tonight and I'm leaving at 7:30." said Ron.
"Does this mean I get to stay up late and eat POPCORN?!" yelled Harry.
"Are you kidding? The popcorn machine is too dangerous for you to use, Harry! Where do you get these ideas? Is your little friend Johnny a bad influence on you?" said Ron, alarmed. "But yeah, I've hired a babysitter for you."
"A BABYSITTER?!" shrieked Harry. "I don't need a babysitter!"
"That's what you said LAST time." said Ron tolerantly. "And what happened?"
"Uh... a slight accident with the nail gun..." he mumbled.
"Slight accident?" laughed Ron. "You took her whole arm off!" he resumed being serious. "You wouldn't believe how hard it was to get a babysitter for you after word got around about that!" he glanced at his watch. "Man, I'd better be going. I don't want to anger the Beach Boys."
"Beach Boys? Who the hell are the Beach Boys?" asked Harry.
"Now Johnny's teaching you swear words?! I'm going to have to have a word with his parents!" said Ron sternly. "But you ask a good question, Harry. One that can only be answered....with a SONG." He rolled out the karaoke machine and began to sing.
[MACDOUGALL BROTHERS SING-A-LONG: The Kings of Rock n' Roll]
Ron: What's this crap on the CD store shelves? Harry: Are we trapped in the seventh circle of hell? Ron: Of course not, Harry! Don't be afraid! Both: It's just the state of music today!
Ron: Welllll, you can listen to your 311! Harry: I'd rather press my temple to a loaded gun! Ron: I just don't care what you say-ay! Harry: Piebald will always be gay! Ron: The youth of today is a hissing kettle! Harry: They think Godsmack is heavy metal!
Both: But the Beach Boys! Will always be the kings of Rock n' Roll! Harry: Dashboard Confessional's getting old! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! Ron: Yellowcard's talent is an empty hole! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! Harry: For Aerosmith, time's taken it's toll! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL!
Ron: Is that manufactured angst before my eyes? Harry: What else could you expect from AFI? Ron: What happened to good bands like Slayer and Tool? Harry: Now we have to make do with Drowning Pool! (yuuuuck!) Ron: Their instrumentals suck and they try to be dark... Harry: But just succeed in being worse than LINKIN-FUCKING-PARK!
Both: Cause the Beach Boys! Will always be the kings of Rock n' Roll! Harry: Alien Ant Farm had their 15 minutes years ago! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! Ron: The Darkness is so bad they're eating my soul! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! Harry: Korn's okay if you're eight years old! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! (repeat 120 times)
..........
"409! 409! Nobody can catch her!" sang the Beach Boys from the Party Ship's speakers.
"God, can't we turn that down a bit?" asked Aisha. "These guys suck!"
Suzuka jumped up. "DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT!" she yelled. She ran over and clasped her hand over Aisha's mouth. She looked upwards, closing her eyes. "Oh almighty spirits of the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, please forgive this Ctarl woman! She knows not what she does!" There came an otherworldly moan that seemed to emanate from everywhere around them. Fog appeared from seemingly nowhere, swirling around them. Ghostly faces swirled in and out of the fog, and one extended a gnarled, wispy hand to clutch Aisha's leg. Aisha let out a scream which was muffled by Suzuka's hand, still pressed firmly over her mouth. "She knows not what she does... she knows not what she does.... she knows not what she does..." chanted Suzuka repeatedly. Aisha's eyes widened as more hands extended from the fog and grabbing her arms and legs, seemingly trying to pull her into whatever hell they came from. Aisha began to see flashes... Of concerts, of autograph signings, of interviews... She felt her eyes roll back into her head and her vision slowly fade to black as the ghostly creatures began to completely overcome her. "SHE KNOWS NOT WHAT SHE DOES!" yelled Suzuka in a huge, commanding voice. There was a huge flash of pale blue light, and both the hands and the fog had disappeared. Both women were on the floor of the ship, panting.
"Dude! That was intense!" yelled Gene.
"You were there the whole time and didn't think to help us?" shouted Aisha between ragged breaths.
"Well, I was videotaping the whole thing and Jim was showing me how to zoom in..." said Gene.
"Think of the memories this will bring years from now, Aisha!" laughed Jim.
"But Suzuka, what were those things?" asked Aisha, her breath resuming a normal pace.
"This is a day of great chaos for the spirits of Rock n' Roll Hall of Famers." said Suzuka quietly. "The foretold return of the Beach Boys has caused them to almost completely tear down the cosmic barrier that seperates or two dimensions. It was foolish of you to mock the Beach Boys on the day of their return. Your life is certainly in jeopardy, as is mine since I cast them away."
"You mean those things were the Rock n' Roll Hall of Famers?" asked Jim.
"Yes. I'm pretty sure the ones that tried to take Aisha's life were ZZ Top." said Suzuka. "You're lucky I'm an expert in paranormal life forms and otherworldly spirits."
"Excuse me, but we are ready to land on Gologobo, where Suzuka's seance whatever is being held." said Gilliam. "Ugh, you girls should really take better care of yourselves. You look awful."
"Screw you, Gilliam." said Suzuka.
"Such language, I must say!" remarked Gilliam. "Hey, just how the hell are we flying this ship without Melfina?" he paused. "I say, that sure is weird! There's no conceivable way we could fly this ship without Melfina!"
Gene looked around. He scratched his head. "Yes, it certainly is a big PLOT HOLE isn't it?" he said shakily. Everyone looked at each other.
"FREEDOM!" they all yelled at once.
..........
"Dammit! Let me go!" I yelled. "There are plot holes being revealed! I CAN SENSE IT! I must smack people with fish!"
"Quiet, manservant!" yelled Hamushi. "Get me some cheesecake, you slacker bastard!"
"And get me some hot apple pie!" yelled Hitoriga.
"And get me some eggplant!" yelled Tobeigera.
"Hey, you're a slave too! Why the hell are you giving me orders?" I asked.
"Oh, right. Sorry dude." sighed Tobeigera.
"Don't call me dude. It gives the impression that I don't hate you." I told him.
"Quit talking you damn slaves! You get your bitch asses back in the kitchen and make me some pie!" yelled Jukei.
"This is the longest trip ever." moaned Leilong. "Are we almost to this seance or whatever?"
"Yeah, we're there now." said Hazanko. "This is where we must go to pray to the Rock n' Roll Hall of Famers for forgiveness for our sins in this gravest of days. Being the highly intelligent, extremely powerful, high ranking official in the 108 Suns, my appearance at this seance is crucial to the future of the universe." He paused. "Crap. Can any of you guys parallel park?"
Everyone looked at each other uncertainly. "I can probably guess my way through it enough to not kill too many people in the attempt." said Leilong helpfully.
"Well, it's the best we've got." shrugged Hazanko. "Give it a go, Leilong."
"Alriiiight!" enthused Leilong, jumping behind the wheel of the ship. "Watch along, Hazanko! You might learn something! Okay, the first thing we do is get out heads smashed through the windshield!"
"You have to get your head smashed through the windshield?" asked Hazanko skeptically.
"Well, that's how I learned to do it." said Leilong. "But I'm always up for trying something new! Alright, lets start off with a three-point turn!" The ship lurched forward quickly, then lurched back. It lurched forward, then lurched back. It did this quite a bit.
HALF AN HOUR LATER
"There, that wasn't so bad right?" asked Leilong.
"Three-point turns I've heard of, but that was like a fifty-point turn." moaned Hamushi. The Anten Five, plus Tobeigera and Hazanko (I escaped during the chaos that ensued when Leilong tried to switch on the radio) were entering the big Beach Boys Seance Center, built just for the occasion.
"Alright, everybody take their seats. Yes, take them. Take your seats. Seats." said Gwen Kahn, standing before the throng of seancers before him. Everyone sat down.
"Kahn? He wasn't the seance leader last week when The B-52s were supposed to destroy the universe!" whispered Suzuka to Gene.
"Hello everyone, my name is Gwen Kahn. Yes, Gwen Kahn. It certainly is Gwen Kahn. Why, I suppose it certainly is." said Kahn. "Mr. Collins is sick today. Yes, he is sick. Quite sick. He is very sick. He's sick. I'll be your substitute seance leader. Why yes, I believe I will."
"Heh, dude! Substitute!" laughed Jukei. "This is gonna be the coolest end of the universe ever!"
"Now, when I call your name please raise your hand." said Kahn. "MacDougall, Ron?"
"Here!" yelled Jukei.
"Okay, thank you. Yes, thank you. Thank you. I agree. Thank you." said Kahn, marking off the name on his list. "Duuz, General?"
"Here!" yelled Jukei.
"Alright. Alright. Yes, quite alright." said Kahn. "Suzuka, Twilight?"
"Here!" yelled Jukei.
"Okay. Mhmm, yes. Okay indeed. I must say, it is very okay." said Kahn. "Luo, Fred?"
5 HOURS LATER
"Well, it looks like everyone's here! Even people who died 15 years ago! This is great!" laughed Kahn. "Yes, yes it is great indeed. Yes. it is great. Quite great. It's great."
"Holy crap!" yelled Suzuka, looking at her watch. "His retarded speech impendiment made us waste loads of time! The resurrection starts in five minutes!"
"I see. Well, we had better get ready." said Gwen Kahn. "Yes, I suppose we had better get ready. Get ready. Right, I do believe we should get ready. Let's get ready. You know, we should get ready. Why yes, ready is what we should get, for sure..."
5 MINUTES LATER
"..ready. I really think we should get ready." finished Kahn.
"It's starting!" yelled Ron. "Look!" Sure enough, the same fog the had appeared before began sifting into the room and curling around people's feet. Before long, faces formed in the fog, then arms, and legs, and....
"It's them!" shrieked Fred. "Hold me, Gene!" Yes, the Beach Boys had completely formed in the small room. They were carrying guitars and various other musical things, and were dressed in Hawaiian shirts and clothing and such. When they opened their eyes, they shone with the cold, pale undeadness that only a millennium in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame can cause. The men screamed. The women fainted (except for Aisha and Suzuka. They called all the fainters wussies). Then the lead singer opened his mouth to speak.
"Dude! What up?" he asked.
"Not much." shrugged Jim.
"Gnarly! Well, I guess this is a good place to start, huh guys?" he asked the rest of the band. They nodded in agreement.
"Oh my god! You guys are going to destroy the universe now, huh?!" yelled Hitoriga, terrified.
"Yeah, man." said the lead singer. Everyone recoiled in horror. "...If by that you mean start the Beach Boys' Eternal Tour!"
"Eternal tour?" asked Aisha.
"'Cha!" he laughed. "Since we're immortal we can tour till the end of time! Now lets get started!" The screams of panic soon turned to cheers of joy, as they began to play what soon became known as the greatest concert of all existence ever. I'm sorry I missed it. Jet was there, and he told me all about it though.
"Dude, Suzuka! Care to dance?" asked Hitoriga.
"Um, no." said Suzuka.
"Come on! Please please please please please pretty please?"
"No way, man."
"Please pretty please with a cherry on top?"
"No!"
"Pretty please with a cherry and 500 dollars on top?"
"Fine, fine. If it'll stop your pathetic whining."
"Really?"
"Yes. Really."
"Awesome!" laughed Hitoriga. He paused, then asked: "Does that mean I still have to pay 500 dollars?"
"Yes, yes it does."
"Oh well, it's worth it."
----------------
Oh, Hitoriga! You silly guy! You never know whats next when you're around! Oh well, there's some things I'd like to point out in this chapter:
1. Dialogue between the Macdougalls is insanely fun to write. Really, it's great. 2. Any views expressed in this episode's MacDougall sing-a-long represents the views of the MacDougalls and does not represent the views of the author, JHeman, or any of his affiliates. 3. There have been subtle references to Gwen Kahn throughout the story, and I was happy to finally fit him in this time. He's a freak. 4. Don't worry, Gene hasn't forgotten about Melfina. 5. The thing with Hanmyo in the desert isn't going anywhere yet. I have no idea why I stranded her there.
Well, that's all. See you guys next time!
Jet: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! YEEEAAAHHH!
Shut up.
--------------
It was a day of some kind in orbit around the planet Hekaton Keirez. The Anten Five (plus Tobeigera) were in the Geomancer, having freshly escaped from prison. The had Tobeigera tied up as their prisoner. I can't imagine why they'd want to keep that annoying bastard around even longer. I guess you'd better ask them, because I sure don't know.
"Help me Rhonda! Help help me Rhonda!" sang Tobeigera. "Oh, help me Rhonda! Help help me Rhonda!"
"Dude, shut up." said Jukei. "Hitoriga, throw another tomato at him for me, will you?"
Hitoriga groaned and threw his 307th tomato at Tobeigera. "Why don't you just take off your stupid straitjacket and throw them yourself?"
"Yeah, man. Seriously." said Leilong. These three guys were in charge of punishing Tobeigera for no reason. Once again, I don't really understand their motives.
"Also, why are we doing this anyway?" asked Hitoriga, casually chucking a tomato at him. "Shouldn't we have just left him back in prison?"
"Hazanko's holding him ransom. He figures SOMEONE in the universe cares about whether he lives or dies." sighed Jukei. "Hang on, try and hit his eye."
"Dude, I've hit his eye like 40 times." said Leilong.
"No, not with a tomato. Use one of the railroad spikes." said Jukei.
"I thought we were saving those for the stomach and groin." said Hitoriga uncertainly.
"No, that's the bowling balls and Stephen King hardcover novels." replied Jukei.
"Dude, sweet." said Leilong. "Did you get 'Misery'?"
"Oh yeah. It's allll here." laughed Jukei evilly.
"Help me Rhonda! Help help me Rhonda! Help me get her outta my heeaaarrt!" sang Tobeigera.
"Shut up, dammit!" yelled Leilong, chucking a tomato at him. "Why the hell are you singing dumb surfer tunes anyway?"
"Dude, didn't you know?" asked Hitoriga. "Today marks 1,000 years since the Beach Boys' first album was released! Around the universe it's being called 'The Resurrection'."
"The resurrection? What the hell are you talking about?" asked Jukei.
"Well, back in the year 2007 the Beach Boys' lead singer was dying of lung cancer." said Hitoriga. "On his deathbed he swore that in 1,000 years he and the rest of the band would rise again from the dead and give the BIGGEST REUNION TOUR OF ALL TIME!"
"Really? That sounds rad!" enthused Leilong.
"Well, they never really said they'd do a big reunion tour." admitted Hitoriga. "I made that part up myself. I think what they really said was that they'd bring about the downfall of civilization, destroying all who refused to join their undead army. Something like that."
"..She'll have fun fun fun till her daddy takes the T-bird awaayyy... ooooaooooaaaaooo..." mumbled Tobeigera.
"Undead army would be better than what we're stuck doing now." grumbled Leilong, throwing another tomato at Tobeigera.
.......
It was a finger-licking good, melts in your mouth and not your hand day down in the Party Ship crew's home base on Heiphon. Aisha was retelling the tale of Reno's marriage to Jim, who got out of the prison after he tricked the police into believing that his mysterious powder really was oregano. Jim, you magnificent bastard.
"And then I'm all: 'I OBJECT!'" yelled Aisha. "And then the people in the church are all: 'The priest can't object!'"
"...This is really stupid, Aisha." said Jim.
"Come on, the best part's coming up!" argued Aisha. "So I say: 'Oh I can't, can I?!' Then I transform into my super wolf form and start eating people! And Reno was all: 'Aisha! You're ruining my wedding!'"
Just then Gene entered the room. "What's going on? I heard what sounded like screams of pain!" he asked worriedly.
"Half of those were Jim's due to boredom, and half of them were from this tape I made to better dramaticize my gruesome slaughter of all the people in that chapel!" She picked up the tape and pressed play. A series of horrible screams emanated from the speaker. "Hours and hours of nonstop screaming!"
Just then the screaming stopped and a small monotone voice began to talk. "Please insert tape 426."
"Already?" asked Aisha, amazed. "That one went really fast!"
"Uh, sorry I interrupted." sighed Gene. "How do you guys want your omelettes?"
"Extra pepper on mine." said Jim.
"I don't want one." said Aisha. "I'm still full from devouring my entire family."
Gene stared at her. "Aisha, you're scary. You've been even scarier since we've gotten back from Las Vegadopia." he paused. "Hey, have either of you seen Melfina anywhere?"
Aisha gulped. "No, I haven't seen her. She must have disappeared some time during the wedding ceremony."
"That makes sense." said Gene. "But, why would she leave?" he sniffled a little bit. "Ever since she left its been like this big burning hole in my heart. I never had time to really tell her how I feel about her, but now that she's gone I can't stop thinking about her." He closed his eyes. "If I close my eyes I can still see her pretty eyes, her cheery smile. I can still feel her joyous presence around me. I can still feel happy." He reopened his eyes. "But then I open them again and I am reminded of this bitter cold world. A world of sorrow. A world of hate and anguish. A world..." He wiped a stream of tears from his eyes. "...without Melfina."
"Well that sucks." said Aisha. "I dunno about you, but she told ME she was gonna go run off and have a wild time with Harry MacDougall."
Gene's eyes widened. "MACDOUGALL?!!?"
"Yep, apparently she's been seeing him for some time now. How long was it?" She pretended to think. "Oh yeah, 6 or 7 I think."
"MONTHS!?" yelled Gene.
"No, I think it was years." shrugged Aisha. "But she said she'll be gone forever anyway, so it doesn't really matter."
"F-forever?!" moaned Gene weakly. "But....we were in love..."
"All lies of a robot." said Aisha. "She was the MacDougall's spy all along."
"Oh Melfina, you told me you cared about me!" cried Gene to the heavens. "Was it all just a lie?! JUST A PETTY LIE?"
"Yes, yes it was." said Aisha. "In fact late at night she'd brag to me about the lies she told you. She laughed maliciously as she described all the 'romance' she fed you, and the look on your face as you lapped it all up." Gene ran from the room crying.
Just then Suzuka walked into the room. "Eh? Was that Gene running from the room crying?" she asked.
"Yep." said Aisha.
"One of his psychotic Melfina freakouts again?" asked Suzuka.
"Yeah. He can't get enough of those damn things." said Aisha.
"Where is that Melfina, anyway?" asked Suzuka, taking a seat in one of the many comfy chairs in the living room.
"She's gone right now, but she wanted me to tell you that she wants to meet you at 8:30 at the new cactus-proof ice cream stand downtown." shrugged Aisha. "ALONE."
"And exactly what does she mean by that?" said Suzuka skeptically.
"I dunno, but it sounds to me like she's really into your hot bod." shrugged Aisha, switching on the TV.
"What!?!" yelled Suzuka. "Are you sure?!"
"No, not really at all." said Aisha. "I'm just making assumptions because she's had a twin size hotel room reserved weeks in advance, and she just got your name surgically engraved onto her heart."
"Wow, that's so weird! I would have never guessed Melfina was...you know." said Suzuka, taken aback.
"Are you kidding? She's been checking out your curves ever since you joined the team!" laughed Aisha.
"Huh. Well, I'm obviously not going to go meet her." said Suzuka.
"You aren't?" asked Aisha sadly. "Why not?"
"Well first of all, I'm not a lesbian." said Suzuka. "Second of all, I'm going to a Beach Boys seance at 8:30."
"Ah, that big Beach boys resurrection's tonight?" asked Aisha. "I thought that was next week."
"Nope, they're rising from the world beyond to destroy the universe at exactly 11:41 this evening." said Suzuka, glancing at her watch. "We've only go about 6 hours left, you might wanna make the most of life before BEACHY SURFER ARMAGEDDON."
Gene walked into the room with a suitcase. "Guys, I'm going after Melfina. I don't care if she doesn't like me, I just have so many unanswered questions burning in my soul. I need to confront her about my feelings and perhaps end the blinding pain she's caused me." he said. "You guys wanna come?"
"We can't go, Gene! We're gonna miss the end of the universe!" whined Jim.
"Oh, knock it off Jim. There'll be other ends of the universe. There's nothing special about this one." said Aisha.
"Alright, I'll go." sighed Suzuka. "We have to stop off at the big seance along the way though."
"THAT'S TONIGHT!?" yelled Gene. "GOD, WHERE'S MY GREATEST HITS ALBUM?" He ran around the room tearing everything apart, desperately searching for The Beach Boys' Greatest Hits. After he had pulled out a small knife and cut open all the couch cushions, he walked over to the stereo and hit the eject button. "Oh, THERE it is! How many times do I gotta tell you guys not to leave stuff in here when it's not being used?!"
"I thought that only applied to pieces of salami!" argued Aisha.
"Don't think I haven't forgotten about that." replied Gene, biting his lip. "Now whats the number one rule around the house?"
Aisha sighed and recited a line she was obviously familiar with. "'Just because it's round DOESN'T mean it will play in the CD player.' "
"And don't forget it, either." said Gene defensively.
.........
"Ro-on!" whined Harry MacDougall. "This propeller won't fit on this plane! It's broken!"
Ron sighed and rolled his eyes. "Harry, that's not the propeller. That's the wheel." He sighed again and took the model airplane begrudgingly from Harry's hands, putting the wheel in the appropriate place.
"Yay! Thanks Ron!" laughed Harry. "Wow! You're the best big brother ever!"
"Don't mention it." shrugged Ron. "I can't imagine why I even bought you a model airplane in the first place."
"I know why!" said Harry brightly. "Because I whined and nagged and complained incessantly about it for weeks on end!"
"Oh yeah, that's why." said Ron.
"Hey Ron, since it isn't a school night can I stay up late to watch CSI with you at 8:00?" asked Harry. "Please please please please?"
"No, sorry Harry but I'm-" started Ron.
"Please please please with a cherry on top?" interjected Harry, his eyes dampening.
"Sorry, but I'm going to this big seance tonight and I'm leaving at 7:30." said Ron.
"Does this mean I get to stay up late and eat POPCORN?!" yelled Harry.
"Are you kidding? The popcorn machine is too dangerous for you to use, Harry! Where do you get these ideas? Is your little friend Johnny a bad influence on you?" said Ron, alarmed. "But yeah, I've hired a babysitter for you."
"A BABYSITTER?!" shrieked Harry. "I don't need a babysitter!"
"That's what you said LAST time." said Ron tolerantly. "And what happened?"
"Uh... a slight accident with the nail gun..." he mumbled.
"Slight accident?" laughed Ron. "You took her whole arm off!" he resumed being serious. "You wouldn't believe how hard it was to get a babysitter for you after word got around about that!" he glanced at his watch. "Man, I'd better be going. I don't want to anger the Beach Boys."
"Beach Boys? Who the hell are the Beach Boys?" asked Harry.
"Now Johnny's teaching you swear words?! I'm going to have to have a word with his parents!" said Ron sternly. "But you ask a good question, Harry. One that can only be answered....with a SONG." He rolled out the karaoke machine and began to sing.
[MACDOUGALL BROTHERS SING-A-LONG: The Kings of Rock n' Roll]
Ron: What's this crap on the CD store shelves? Harry: Are we trapped in the seventh circle of hell? Ron: Of course not, Harry! Don't be afraid! Both: It's just the state of music today!
Ron: Welllll, you can listen to your 311! Harry: I'd rather press my temple to a loaded gun! Ron: I just don't care what you say-ay! Harry: Piebald will always be gay! Ron: The youth of today is a hissing kettle! Harry: They think Godsmack is heavy metal!
Both: But the Beach Boys! Will always be the kings of Rock n' Roll! Harry: Dashboard Confessional's getting old! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! Ron: Yellowcard's talent is an empty hole! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! Harry: For Aerosmith, time's taken it's toll! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL!
Ron: Is that manufactured angst before my eyes? Harry: What else could you expect from AFI? Ron: What happened to good bands like Slayer and Tool? Harry: Now we have to make do with Drowning Pool! (yuuuuck!) Ron: Their instrumentals suck and they try to be dark... Harry: But just succeed in being worse than LINKIN-FUCKING-PARK!
Both: Cause the Beach Boys! Will always be the kings of Rock n' Roll! Harry: Alien Ant Farm had their 15 minutes years ago! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! Ron: The Darkness is so bad they're eating my soul! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! Harry: Korn's okay if you're eight years old! Both: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! (repeat 120 times)
..........
"409! 409! Nobody can catch her!" sang the Beach Boys from the Party Ship's speakers.
"God, can't we turn that down a bit?" asked Aisha. "These guys suck!"
Suzuka jumped up. "DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT!" she yelled. She ran over and clasped her hand over Aisha's mouth. She looked upwards, closing her eyes. "Oh almighty spirits of the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, please forgive this Ctarl woman! She knows not what she does!" There came an otherworldly moan that seemed to emanate from everywhere around them. Fog appeared from seemingly nowhere, swirling around them. Ghostly faces swirled in and out of the fog, and one extended a gnarled, wispy hand to clutch Aisha's leg. Aisha let out a scream which was muffled by Suzuka's hand, still pressed firmly over her mouth. "She knows not what she does... she knows not what she does.... she knows not what she does..." chanted Suzuka repeatedly. Aisha's eyes widened as more hands extended from the fog and grabbing her arms and legs, seemingly trying to pull her into whatever hell they came from. Aisha began to see flashes... Of concerts, of autograph signings, of interviews... She felt her eyes roll back into her head and her vision slowly fade to black as the ghostly creatures began to completely overcome her. "SHE KNOWS NOT WHAT SHE DOES!" yelled Suzuka in a huge, commanding voice. There was a huge flash of pale blue light, and both the hands and the fog had disappeared. Both women were on the floor of the ship, panting.
"Dude! That was intense!" yelled Gene.
"You were there the whole time and didn't think to help us?" shouted Aisha between ragged breaths.
"Well, I was videotaping the whole thing and Jim was showing me how to zoom in..." said Gene.
"Think of the memories this will bring years from now, Aisha!" laughed Jim.
"But Suzuka, what were those things?" asked Aisha, her breath resuming a normal pace.
"This is a day of great chaos for the spirits of Rock n' Roll Hall of Famers." said Suzuka quietly. "The foretold return of the Beach Boys has caused them to almost completely tear down the cosmic barrier that seperates or two dimensions. It was foolish of you to mock the Beach Boys on the day of their return. Your life is certainly in jeopardy, as is mine since I cast them away."
"You mean those things were the Rock n' Roll Hall of Famers?" asked Jim.
"Yes. I'm pretty sure the ones that tried to take Aisha's life were ZZ Top." said Suzuka. "You're lucky I'm an expert in paranormal life forms and otherworldly spirits."
"Excuse me, but we are ready to land on Gologobo, where Suzuka's seance whatever is being held." said Gilliam. "Ugh, you girls should really take better care of yourselves. You look awful."
"Screw you, Gilliam." said Suzuka.
"Such language, I must say!" remarked Gilliam. "Hey, just how the hell are we flying this ship without Melfina?" he paused. "I say, that sure is weird! There's no conceivable way we could fly this ship without Melfina!"
Gene looked around. He scratched his head. "Yes, it certainly is a big PLOT HOLE isn't it?" he said shakily. Everyone looked at each other.
"FREEDOM!" they all yelled at once.
..........
"Dammit! Let me go!" I yelled. "There are plot holes being revealed! I CAN SENSE IT! I must smack people with fish!"
"Quiet, manservant!" yelled Hamushi. "Get me some cheesecake, you slacker bastard!"
"And get me some hot apple pie!" yelled Hitoriga.
"And get me some eggplant!" yelled Tobeigera.
"Hey, you're a slave too! Why the hell are you giving me orders?" I asked.
"Oh, right. Sorry dude." sighed Tobeigera.
"Don't call me dude. It gives the impression that I don't hate you." I told him.
"Quit talking you damn slaves! You get your bitch asses back in the kitchen and make me some pie!" yelled Jukei.
"This is the longest trip ever." moaned Leilong. "Are we almost to this seance or whatever?"
"Yeah, we're there now." said Hazanko. "This is where we must go to pray to the Rock n' Roll Hall of Famers for forgiveness for our sins in this gravest of days. Being the highly intelligent, extremely powerful, high ranking official in the 108 Suns, my appearance at this seance is crucial to the future of the universe." He paused. "Crap. Can any of you guys parallel park?"
Everyone looked at each other uncertainly. "I can probably guess my way through it enough to not kill too many people in the attempt." said Leilong helpfully.
"Well, it's the best we've got." shrugged Hazanko. "Give it a go, Leilong."
"Alriiiight!" enthused Leilong, jumping behind the wheel of the ship. "Watch along, Hazanko! You might learn something! Okay, the first thing we do is get out heads smashed through the windshield!"
"You have to get your head smashed through the windshield?" asked Hazanko skeptically.
"Well, that's how I learned to do it." said Leilong. "But I'm always up for trying something new! Alright, lets start off with a three-point turn!" The ship lurched forward quickly, then lurched back. It lurched forward, then lurched back. It did this quite a bit.
HALF AN HOUR LATER
"There, that wasn't so bad right?" asked Leilong.
"Three-point turns I've heard of, but that was like a fifty-point turn." moaned Hamushi. The Anten Five, plus Tobeigera and Hazanko (I escaped during the chaos that ensued when Leilong tried to switch on the radio) were entering the big Beach Boys Seance Center, built just for the occasion.
"Alright, everybody take their seats. Yes, take them. Take your seats. Seats." said Gwen Kahn, standing before the throng of seancers before him. Everyone sat down.
"Kahn? He wasn't the seance leader last week when The B-52s were supposed to destroy the universe!" whispered Suzuka to Gene.
"Hello everyone, my name is Gwen Kahn. Yes, Gwen Kahn. It certainly is Gwen Kahn. Why, I suppose it certainly is." said Kahn. "Mr. Collins is sick today. Yes, he is sick. Quite sick. He is very sick. He's sick. I'll be your substitute seance leader. Why yes, I believe I will."
"Heh, dude! Substitute!" laughed Jukei. "This is gonna be the coolest end of the universe ever!"
"Now, when I call your name please raise your hand." said Kahn. "MacDougall, Ron?"
"Here!" yelled Jukei.
"Okay, thank you. Yes, thank you. Thank you. I agree. Thank you." said Kahn, marking off the name on his list. "Duuz, General?"
"Here!" yelled Jukei.
"Alright. Alright. Yes, quite alright." said Kahn. "Suzuka, Twilight?"
"Here!" yelled Jukei.
"Okay. Mhmm, yes. Okay indeed. I must say, it is very okay." said Kahn. "Luo, Fred?"
5 HOURS LATER
"Well, it looks like everyone's here! Even people who died 15 years ago! This is great!" laughed Kahn. "Yes, yes it is great indeed. Yes. it is great. Quite great. It's great."
"Holy crap!" yelled Suzuka, looking at her watch. "His retarded speech impendiment made us waste loads of time! The resurrection starts in five minutes!"
"I see. Well, we had better get ready." said Gwen Kahn. "Yes, I suppose we had better get ready. Get ready. Right, I do believe we should get ready. Let's get ready. You know, we should get ready. Why yes, ready is what we should get, for sure..."
5 MINUTES LATER
"..ready. I really think we should get ready." finished Kahn.
"It's starting!" yelled Ron. "Look!" Sure enough, the same fog the had appeared before began sifting into the room and curling around people's feet. Before long, faces formed in the fog, then arms, and legs, and....
"It's them!" shrieked Fred. "Hold me, Gene!" Yes, the Beach Boys had completely formed in the small room. They were carrying guitars and various other musical things, and were dressed in Hawaiian shirts and clothing and such. When they opened their eyes, they shone with the cold, pale undeadness that only a millennium in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame can cause. The men screamed. The women fainted (except for Aisha and Suzuka. They called all the fainters wussies). Then the lead singer opened his mouth to speak.
"Dude! What up?" he asked.
"Not much." shrugged Jim.
"Gnarly! Well, I guess this is a good place to start, huh guys?" he asked the rest of the band. They nodded in agreement.
"Oh my god! You guys are going to destroy the universe now, huh?!" yelled Hitoriga, terrified.
"Yeah, man." said the lead singer. Everyone recoiled in horror. "...If by that you mean start the Beach Boys' Eternal Tour!"
"Eternal tour?" asked Aisha.
"'Cha!" he laughed. "Since we're immortal we can tour till the end of time! Now lets get started!" The screams of panic soon turned to cheers of joy, as they began to play what soon became known as the greatest concert of all existence ever. I'm sorry I missed it. Jet was there, and he told me all about it though.
"Dude, Suzuka! Care to dance?" asked Hitoriga.
"Um, no." said Suzuka.
"Come on! Please please please please please pretty please?"
"No way, man."
"Please pretty please with a cherry on top?"
"No!"
"Pretty please with a cherry and 500 dollars on top?"
"Fine, fine. If it'll stop your pathetic whining."
"Really?"
"Yes. Really."
"Awesome!" laughed Hitoriga. He paused, then asked: "Does that mean I still have to pay 500 dollars?"
"Yes, yes it does."
"Oh well, it's worth it."
----------------
Oh, Hitoriga! You silly guy! You never know whats next when you're around! Oh well, there's some things I'd like to point out in this chapter:
1. Dialogue between the Macdougalls is insanely fun to write. Really, it's great. 2. Any views expressed in this episode's MacDougall sing-a-long represents the views of the MacDougalls and does not represent the views of the author, JHeman, or any of his affiliates. 3. There have been subtle references to Gwen Kahn throughout the story, and I was happy to finally fit him in this time. He's a freak. 4. Don't worry, Gene hasn't forgotten about Melfina. 5. The thing with Hanmyo in the desert isn't going anywhere yet. I have no idea why I stranded her there.
Well, that's all. See you guys next time!
Jet: KINGS OF ROCK N' ROLL! YEEEAAAHHH!
Shut up.