Jet: ......
Now what are you mad about, Jet?
Jet: You are a dumb, slow reject. You haven't updated this story in over a month. Everyone hates you.
Hey, it was a spell of writer's block! If you haven't noticed, it's really hard writing a story with a decent plot!
Jet: Only because you haven't done it before!
Why you little... smacks him with golf club
Jet: Ow...
Let's see you mouth off to me NOW! Weakling!
Jet: Dude, screw you.
TOSS HIM OUT THE AIRLOCK!
Jet: Who are you talking to? You're the only person besides me within a 20,000,000 mile radius. You'll have to do it yourself.
Uh... never mind then. Anyways, enjoy the chapter everyone. It's okay.
-------------
"None of those knives came even close to hitting me! You're a terrible lovemaker!" yelled Harry MacDougall defiantly. "Now lets try this again, it's all in the wrist!" Just then the phone rang. "Ah crap, I'd better go get that. You'd better not try escaping, or it'll be more SALAD DRESSING TORTURE for you!" He ran over and picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey Harry, it's Ron. What's up?" came Ron's voice from the phone.
"Oh, not a lot." shrugged Harry. "Hey, did you know we're outta salad dressing?"
"Figures. You always use up a lot of salad dressing when there's a babysitter over." sighed Ron. "How's she doing anyway? Is she gonna put you to bed on time?"
"Nah, I don't think she's gonna force it on me." shrugged Harry. Just then there came a young woman's voice from behind him.
"Call the police! Whoever's on the phone, call the police! He's a monster!" yelled the woman.
"Quiet, you!" yelled Harry. "Just because I'm outta salad dressing doesn't mean I'm outta SANDPAPER! Now shut up!"
"CALL THE POLICE! HE'S INSANE! OH GOD, SOMEBODY HELP ME!" she yelled.
"DIE, BABYSITTER FOOL!" yelled Harry, firing a harpoon gun at her.
"Oh my god, you severed my spinal cord!" moaned the woman. "ARGHLBLBLBLLBLBLLBLB...gurgle."
"What was that? Is everything all right?" asked Ron.
"Yeah, she's still tracking my hand with her eyes. I think most of her brain is intact." said Harry. "I mean, everything's good here."
"Good." said Ron. "I'm picking up fried chicken on the way home, so don't spoil your appetite."
"Yay! Fried chicken!" laughed Harry. "Get the really sweet kinda coleslaw!"
"What if they're out of sweet coleslaw?" asked Ron.
"Then just get regular coleslaw." said Harry.
"Ok." said Ron. "See ya soon." He hung up.
"HANG ON!" yelled Harry. "DON'T HANG UP! IF THEY'RE OUT OF REGULAR COLESLAW GET POTATO SALAD! POTATO SALAAAAAAD! NOOOOOOO!"
............
"Hey, what's the matter Gene?" asked Jim.
"I just felt a strange disturbance in the force." said Gene, stricken with fear. "It was as if some really hot chick somewhere just got her spinal cord severed, and was suddenly silenced."
"You ALWAYS get that feeling after you drink too much, Gene." shrugged Aisha. "You just had a little TOO much punch at that Beach Boys concert, and now you're feeling the after effects!"
"There! Now I just got that feeling that some guy somewhere is sad because he doesn't get to eat coleslaw!" said Gene frantically. "Why doesn't anyone believe me?!"
"Because it's stupid and not even remotely possible." said Suzuka.
Our astro-friends were in the Party Ship, zooming through the galaxy. As always they were on a quest for fun and adventure. They were also on a quest to find Melfina, but nobody really cared about that. Gene sort of half-cared, but he often forgot where he was and what he was doing.
"All I'm saying is I obviously possess some sort of strange psychic power!" said Gene. "Witness my psychicness!" Then he sat down and started to predict. He predicted many odd, bizarre things. Lots of them probably weren't true, and the ones that were nobody could prove. Since no one on the ship was a gullible moron, Gene didn't convince anyone. I don't know what the point of all that was, but whatever.
"Hey fellas, we're running low on fuel." said Gilliam happily. "Should we dock at Blue Heaven to replenish our supplies?"
"Gilliam, never ever say the word 'fellas' again." said Gene. "And yes, lets dock. How far away are we from Blue Heaven?"
"About...40 feet and quickly losing altitude." said Gilliam brightly. Then they crashed.
............
"You know, there's always room for one more in my group on Anten people." said Hazanko warmly. "Would you like to join my special Anten team of constantly changing number?"
"Sorry," said Dave the Sunglasses Guy. "But I've still got some sunglasses to sell if I wanna turn a profit." The two of them were in a Heiphon docking bay, saying their goodbyes.
"Really? About how many more do you think you need to sell?" asked Hazanko.
"Well, I stocked myself with about 5 million...they cost about 100 dollars each..." said Dave, doing math in his head.
"A HUNDRED DOLLARS EACH?!" yelled Hazanko. "You paid that much a piece for those cheaply made sunglasses you're always selling?"
"They are NOT cheaply made." said Dave indignantly. "They're made with the highest quality child slave laborers available! Wanna buy a pair?"
Hazanko sighed, and pulled out his wallet. "How much are they?"
"5 bucks a piece, as always." said Dave, reaching into his suitcase and handing Hazanko a pair of sunglasses.
"God, at 5 bucks a piece for 100 dollar sunglasses, you'll never turn a profit!" remarked Hazanko, handing Dave 5 bucks.
"Ha HA!" laughed Dave triumphantly. "That's where the secondly compound interest comes in!" He glanced at his watch. "Alright, that'll be 500 bucks!"
"WHAT?!" yelled Hazanko. "Secondly compound interest?!"
"Whoa, make that 1050 bucks! 4700! 10785!" said Dave, ticking off the seconds. "You'd better hurry and pay before it gets any higher! 24590!"
"Ack!" yelled Hazanko, handing him a $30000 bill. "Keep the change!"
"Thanks!" laughed Dave, pocketing the bill. "Fooled ya, there really is no compounded income tax."
"What?" said Hazanko. "Gimme my money back, you dumb bastard!"
"No way!" said Dave.
"Yes way!" said Hazanko.
"No way!" said Dave, hopping into his spaceship. "See ya later!"
"Hey! You get back here!" yelled Hazanko. But Dave was already revving up his engines and preparing to blast off. "I'm gonna tao magic blast you! I swear I'll do it!"
Suddenly, Tobeigera came running out of the Geomancer, and hopped on Dave's windshield. "Take me with you! Take me with yooouuuu!"
"Aaaaah!" yelled Dave, turning on the windshield wipers.
"Crap, who let him out of his torture chamber?!" yelled Hazanko, enraged.
"It was Hitoriga! It was his idea to let him go watch TV!" said Jukei, who had just come running out of the Geomancer along with Hitoriga.
"It was a Courage the Cowardly Dog marathon on Cartoon Network! I wanted to make him suffer!" said Hitoriga defensively.
"So... retardedly... UNFUNNY!" sobbed Tobeigera, pounding on Dave's windshield. "Make my pain end!" He reached over and pulled open the door opposite the driver's side.
"Hey! Get outta here!" yelled Dave, kicking Tobeigera in the face.
"Shoot him! Shoot him!" yelled Hazanko.
"Since when do we have guns?" asked Hitoriga and Jukei.
"Damn you, you primitive non-firearm bastards! Where's Leilong?!" yelled Hazanko.
"I think he's trying to beat the record for the most games of Minesweeper played in a week." shrugged Hitoriga.
"He's on game 674!" said Jukei cheerfully.
"Really? How many has he won?" asked Hazanko, genuinely interested.
"Well, he's mainly going for speed... I think about 4." said Hitoriga, counting on his fingers.
"Wow. What's the record?" asked Hazanko.
"4098." said Jukei.
"Cool. Think he can do it?" Hazanko said casually.
"Maybe. It's hard to say." said Hitoriga. "Having no food, water, sleep, or bathroom breaks is definitely wearing him down."
"Awesome. I hope he-" started Hazanko. "Wait! Where's the clowny-head?!"
MEANWHILE
"Holy crap, thank you SO much for rescuing me!" said Tobeigera thankfully.
"It's not a problem." said Dave, steering the ship. He glanced at a small flashing light on the dashboard. "What's that mean?"
Tobeigera looked at the light. "Oh, we must have left one of the doors open. He and Tobeigera both opened and slammed their doors shut. The light kept blinking.
"Shit! We gotta find out which door's open before we exit the atmosphere!" yelled Dave frantically.
"But this is a huge multi-level parking garage ship!" yelled Tobeigera, unbelieving.
"Quick, go check out levels A through Triple Z! I'll stay here and watch the cockpit!" yelled Dave as Tobeigera ran off. "Reject." muttered Dave, helping himself to some lemonade after Tobeigera left.
........
"This is just terrible!" said Gene, crawling from the twisted burning wreckage of the Party Ship. "Now we're stranded here until we can get the ship fixed!"
"What're you trying to do, kill us?!" yelled Suzuka, picking up a little Gilliam bot.
"Here now, that's simply ridiculous!" said Gilliam indignantly. "You make it sound like I'm not getting paid for it!"
"Look, this is no time to fight." sighed Jim, typing on his laptop which miraculously survived the crash. "The first thing we should do is find Melfina!"
"Oh, that'll be easy." said Aisha, dripping with sarcasm. She was also dripping with blood, since the crash tore a wound in her head. "We don't have a ship, remember?"
"We don't need a ship. She's right here on Blue Heaven." said Jim, turning his laptop around and revealing a map of the city with a small red dot on it. "I've been trying to track her for ages, but I've come to the conclusion that she's right here." He pointed at the red dot. Then his eyes traced the screen, noticing many other red dots. "...Or maybe it's this red dot. Or that one."
"Well which is it?" asked Suzuka.
"I dunno... there weren't that many red dots to begin with!" said Jim. He looked up. "Oh, so that's it! Aisha, quit bleeding on the screen!"
"Sorry..." sighed Aisha.
"Damn, it's already dried!" said Jim, wiping the screen. "Now we'll never know which one it was!"
Suddenly they heard a familiar voice behind them. "Ah, I THOUGHT I recognized you! So nice to...SEE you again! HAR HAR HAR!"
"Oh my god!" yelled Gene, clasping a hand over his mouth. "It's...It's YOU!"
Aisha fainted in pure, abject terror.
[AND NOW, A COMMERCIAL!]
"It was a normal Saturday evening!" sobbed Fred pitifully. "I...I had just rented The Crying Game... It was going great for a while, but then..." he wiped his eyes, "IT HAPPENED."
Cue shitty flashback effects. Since this is a story and not a comic, movie, or anything else where you could actually see the aforementioned shitty flashback effect, you will obviously not see one. That is, of course, unless you make your own! Try it at home, kids! Follow these easy instructions, and you can have shitty flashback effects wherever, and whenever you want!
MATERIALS: 2 Eyeballs, 2 Fingers, 1 Large Roll of Dental Floss
Firstly, prepare the two (2) fingers buy washing them with soap and warm water. Remember: A clean shitty flashback effect is a happy one! Then, carefully insert the two (2) fingers into your two (2) eyeballs. Press very very hard. If done correctly, everything will begin blurring up and your vision will be impaired, just like in a REAL flashback effect! Treat yourself to some corn on the cob for your hard work, and don't forget the dental floss!
"Thanks to shitty flashback effects, I can remember movies about women with penises with much more flair and style!" laughed Fred.
"Before I had shitty flashback effects, I was a nobody!" remarks a famous movie director, through bandaged eyes. "But now look at me! If I'm not a somebody, I don't know who is! Thanks, shitty flashback effects!"
So the next time you've got a memory you can't wait to remember, and don't want to make a fool out of yourself, what can you do? Why, just ask Fred!
"Marry me, Fred!" begged a woman, clutching Fred's jacket.
"Please Fred, marry me for my money!" begged another.
"Fred, I absolutely ADORE your shitty flashback effects!" said another.
"ACK! GET EM OFFA ME!" yelled Fred, diving out a window.
[AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!]
"That's right!" said Ninja Monkey Ya-Hoo-Hah happily. "It's me!"
"Dude, it's good to see you again!" laughed Gene, clapping Ninja Monkey on the back.
"Eh? Who's this monkey guy?" asked Aisha, perplexed.
"You remember him, Aisha!" Jim said happily. "He fought against this giant sumo wrestler and dragged us into it for no reason!"
"Oh YEAH!" said Aisha. "And then the Arby's Oven Mitt came and saved the day!"
"Is that what happened?" asked Gene, confused. "I thought it was the Pepsi Girl."
"No, I'm pretty sure it was the mitten." said Aisha.
"Anyways, what brings you to Blue Heaven?" Suzuka asked Ninja Monkey.
"My arch enemy, Kick Pow Smack Poof, is hiding out here! I'm here to take him out no matter the cost!" yelled Ninja Monkey Ya-Hoo-Hah, unsheathing his swords amidst lots of sparklies and really badly animated DBZ style blurry backgrounds.
"That evil, evil maniacal bastard." said Suzuka, gritting her teeth. "How can we help you stop him?"
"Tell me, have any of you ever operated a piece of velcro?" asked Ninja Monkey frantically.
"I received expert velcro training from my dad all throughout my childhood years!" said Gene proudly. "I was a child prodigy. At only age 9, I was able to successfully open and close my wallet! Only a few years later I mastered the double knot!"
"Wow!" responded Ninja Monkey, clearly impressed. "If your skills are as advanced as you say they are, Mr. Starwind, then we simply can't fail!"
"Can't fail what?" asked Jim. "What's your plan?"
"Alright, I'll tell you." said Ninja Monkey. Then they got into a stupid cliché huddle and did the stupid cliché whispering thing. You know, the stupidest cliché of all.
.........
"Alright...huff I'm pant finished." panted Tobeigera, clutching his chest. "Nothing. All cough closed."
"Same here." said Dave. He jerked his thumb at the light on the dashboard. "Good news though. That's actually the fuel light. I kinda forgot to fill up before we left."
There was a long pause.
"We're not gonna die! Isn't that great!" laughed Dave. "This ship is still airtight and ready to fly-"
"YOU FUCKING RETARD!" yelled Tobeigera, jumping and trying to strangle Dave.
"Ack! Can't breathe!" choked Dave.
"Hooray! That means I'm doing right!" said Tobeigera happily.
...........
It was a lovely, enchanted evening outside Kick Pow Smack Poof's base. Our heroes had one thought on their minds: REVENGE. Yes, them soundly defeating him without a scratch on their bodies really pissed them off. Now it's payback time.
"Alright, this is team Alpha." said Gene, from behind a bush, speaking into a walkie talkie. "Other teams, report."
"Roger, team Beta here." responded Jim. "I don't see anything."
"This is team Gamma." said Ninja Monkey. "No sign of anyone here."
"I'm not picking up anything on radar." spoke Suzuka. "Repeat, team Delta reads no sign of anyone."
"I'm not radar." said Gilliam.
"Yes, yes you are." said Suzuka.
"For the love of god Gene, how many times do we have to do these report things until you're convinced it's safe to start the mission?" asked Aisha.
"Alright alright, fine." muttered Gene. "Do we have the enormous tank ready?"
"Sir, yes sir!" said Jim, patting the side of an enormous tank.
"Alright then, commence with plan B!" yelled Gene.
"Plan B? What the hell happened to plan A?" asked Ninja Monkey.
"It sucked. I trashed it." said Gene.
"You mean the plan that involved Jim hacking into Kick Pow Smack Poof's dismally insecure computer system, deleting all his porn so that he'd go into a deep suicidal state of depression, and ultimately be defeated without anyone getting in the slightest bit of danger?" asked Suzuka.
"Yeah. No wait...yeah. That's the one." said Gene. "You can't base an entire episode of an action anime on something lame like that! People want explosions!"
"Oh yeah, right." said Suzuka.
"So who's steering the tank into Kick Pow's base?" asked Jim.
"ME ME ME ME ME ME!" yelled Aisha, jumping like 10 feet straight up in the air. She hopped inside. "How do I change gears?"
"The... uh, the stick shift." said Jim.
"This has a STICK SHIFT?" asked Aisha. "What kind of lame tank is this?"
"A big one." said Gene. "Now remember Aisha, explosions explosions explosions! Steer for any gasoline barrels you see."
"How do I get up the stairs?" asked Aisha.
"We'll figure that out later." shrugged Gene. "Now get going!"
"YEEEEEHAAAAAWWW!" yelled Aisha, pounding the tank into top speed. "This is AAAAWWWWEEEESSOOOOOMMMMEEEEE!!"
"You're going like 10 miles an hour." said Gene. "Tanks aren't fast."
"Oh, yeah." said Aisha, already bored. She steered the tank slowly up to Kick Pow's secret base. "Dude! This song sucks!" she yelled, fiddling with the radio tuner. "Who the hell likes Oasis, anyway?" She accidentally brushed the weapon fire button. A huge missile shot from the tank and blew down a good chunk of the base's front wall. "Haha! Awesome!" yelled Aisha, pressing the button over and over again.
MEANWHILE
"Hang on, this is Gamma Squadron." said Ninja Monkey, tensely into his walkie talkie. "I... think I see something."
"Is it green?" asked Suzuka.
"Is it red?" asked Gene.
"Is it alive or is it dead?" asked Jim.
"I can't put my finger on it." responded Ninja Monkey. Ween references are fun. "But it's getting closer!"
"Ha ha haha!" laughed Kick Pow Smack Poof, stepping out of the shadows. "You dumb head fools! Did you really think that I'd just be sitting in my base, waiting for you to destroy me?"
"Well...yeah." said Gene.
"Well then you're stupid! Stupid!" laughed Kick Pow evilly. "No, the only things in that base are millions of tons of explosives! Ha ha ha! Your little cat friend will be dead within seconds! Ha!" Suddenly the base exploded in a huge, ear shattering boom. Bits of rubble were flying everywhere.
"NOOOOO! AISHA!" yelled Jim.
"Hooray! Our ratings are already up by half a point!" said Gene happily.
"I'm so totally evil!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof.
"Your bones were all dissolved into nothing." said Ninja Monkey. "How is it you are standing before me?"
"Ah yes, don't think I've forgotten that little ordeal you." said Kick Pow. "It required the ancient sumo technique of bone regrowth to heal myself. It was long, arduous, and very painful. I swore revenge on you, and your little friends here." He glanced at the smoldering remnants of the building and chuckled. "And it would appear that now, my revenge is partially complete."
"Bastard!" yelled Suzuka, drawing her sword.
"No, Suzuka." said Ninja Monkey, being totally badass. "Let me handle this vermin." He unsheathed his twin katanas and leapt at Kick Pow.
"Haha! I have been waiting for this moment! Ha! Haha!" laughed Kick Pow maliciously. Just then, a familiar tune started to play...
Everybody was Kung Fu fighting
Those jerks were as fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing
"Christ, not again." sighed Suzuka, dodging Kick Pow Smack Poof, who was flying her way after a misjudged leap. "Damn songfics."
"Come on, it's not that bad." shrugged Jim. "At least it's a good song."
"I feel a slight pang of guilt for rocking out to this awesome song when Aisha just died in a painful fireball." said Suzuka.
"Come on, don't be a party pooper." said Gene. Suzuka sighed and started dancing.
There was funky china men from funky chinatown
They was trapping when up, they ws trapping when down
It's an ancient Chinese art, and everybody knew their part
For my friend, ain't you a stiff, then I'm kickin' from the hip
Ninja Monkey fell to the ground in front of them. "Haha! You have fallen, slain! I am victorious!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof. "My revenge is complete! Now I walk away!" Then Kick Pow started walking away.
"NOT SO FAST!" yelled Gene, aiming his caster at Kick Pow Smack Poof. Kick Pow whirled around.
"N-no! You wouldn't!" yelled Kick Pow.
"Yes I would!" yelled Gene.
"I don't know what on Earth you two are talking about." said Gilliam. "I tossed out those drab, boring caster shells in favor of some lovely smelling potpourri! It adds some flair to our boring ship!"
"WHAT?! YOU RETARD!" yelled Gene, kicking Gilliam.
"Hahaha! ha!" laughed Kick Pow Smack Poof. "NOW I SHALL DESTROY ALL OF YOU SINCE YOU ARE DEFENSELESS TO STOP ME!"
"Oh no!" yelled Suzuka. "Wait, don't I still have my sword?"
But then, just when all seemed lost, when all hope was faded-
"Hey! All hope isn't faded, you reject! I still have my sword!" yelled Suzuka.
Shut up, Suzuka. Anyways, in this most bleakest of hours a lone figure appeared on the horizon. He was a shining hero of hope, a hero who always came through and saved the day. He feared no one, and yet everyone feared him. He was...
"The Arby's mitten! He's here to save us!" yelled Gene. "Hooray!"
"Hey! HEY! Why can't I save us?!" yelled Suzuka.
"Quiet, you!" said the Arby's mitten. He was carrying something. Gene squinted to see what it was...
"It's Aisha! She's alive!" laughed Gene, clapping his hands gleefully.
"Nuts!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof. "The danged mitten saved her!"
"He didn't save me." said Aisha. "I got bored and left the mission. The mitten kidnapped me on the the way to Pizza Hut."
"Ah, but the breadsticks there give you indigestion!" said the Arby's mitten.
"Oh yeah! Thanks Arby's mitten!" said Aisha happily. By now the mitten had reached Kick Pow Smack Poof. He set Aisha down and looked up at him. "Are you ready to die?"
"Oh my god!" yelled Kick Pow. "Wh-what are you going to do to me?!"
The Arby's mitten held up a small videotape. "This tape contains the never before seen next commercial in the long line of Arby's mitten commercials. I can guarantee, it's VERY painful."
Kick Pow Smack Poof gulped.
"Now you can surrender, and walk away from this place, leaving these people unharmed...Or, we can watch the video." said the mitten coolly.
"Yeah right, you're bluffing." said Kick Pow, uncertainly.
"Am I?" chuckled the mitten, and put the tape into a VCR/TV that magically appeared next to him.
"You wouldn't do it. You wouldn't do...THAT to me." said Kick Pow nervously.
The mitten's thumb moved for the Play button.
"OH MY GOD RUN FOR IT!" yelled Kick Pow, running for it.
"Hooray! Victory for mitten!" yelled the Arby's mitten triumphantly as Kick Pow ran off into the distance.
"What about Ninja Monkey? Will he be okay?" asked Suzuka worriedly.
"Don't worry ma'am, he's just unconscious." said the Arby's mitten. "Your boyfriend will be just fine."
"My boyfriend?!" shouted Suzuka angrily. "He's not my boyfriend!"
"He's not?" asked Aisha, confused.
"Of course he's not! He's a monkey!" said Suzuka.
"So you're saying you simply COULDN'T care for a man who was a monkey?" asked the mitten.
"Yes!" said Suzuka.
"It disgusts me how horribly superficial you are." said the Arby's mitten. "Anyways, my work here is done. You folks will be alright." He picked up Ninja Monkey. "This is only the beginning of mankind's war on the sumo wrestlers. Ninja Monkey will have to come with me so we can plan our next attack as a team. I'm sure we'll meet again." Then the Arby's mitten, with Ninja Monkey in his arms, flew away.
"YOU'RE A BADASS, NINJA MONKEY!" called Aisha after him. "A FLIPPING BADASS! I LOVE YOU! SUZUKA JUST DOESN'T LIKE YOU CAUSE SHE'S AN IDIOT DYKE!"
"For fuck's sake, shut up!" yelled Suzuka.
..........
"Woohoo! Blue Heaven! We made it!" laughed Dave the Sunglasses Guy. "High five!"
Tobeigera high fived him, half-heartedly. "How did you survive my strangulation?"
"You're not very good at it." shrugged Dave. "Now lets get looking for an apartment!"
"An apartment? What the hell do we need an apartment for?" asked Tobeigera.
"We've gotta lay low here for a while. Hazanko and the rest of those Anten guys are sure to be closely on our trail, so we have to keep a low profile." said Dave.
MEANWHILE
"WOOOO WOOOOOO!" cheered Hazanko. "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"
"She won't have the guts to go through with it!" said Leilong. "Baked beans are fattening!"
"Oh yeah?! Just watch me!" yelled Hamushi, who then started drunkenly shoveling baked beans into her mouth. "Mrflebllblbl!"
"Haha! Dude, that's disgusting!" laughed Jukei.
"Whoa, I'm gonna be sick!" yelled Iraga.
"Mrglbllrlbllb!" agreed Hamushi.
"Dude, Hazanko! Crack open another beer!" said Hitoriga happily.
"YEAH! WOOOO HOOOO!" laughed Hazanko, who began running around bumping into things.
BACK ON BLUE HEAVEN...
"Those guys are always vigilant, they never tire. They're probably gaining another 25,000 miles on us for every second we spend sitting around here." said Dave. "You have to watch those guys, they're very serious about their work."
"Well, if you say so." shrugged Tobeigera. "Let's go pick up a newspaper and see if anyone has some rooms up for ren-" he paused, then looked at a girl who walked by him. He grabbed Dave and turned him towards the girl, who was now walking away. "Dude, look at that girl!"
Dave looked. "Yeah, what about her?" he asked. "She's alright, but hardly schwing-worthy. I don't like her hair."
"No no, look closer! Isn't that the Party Ship's navigator girl robot thing?" asked Tobeigera. Indeed it was. Melfina was only about 40 feet away from them, reading a magazine at a news stand.
"Yeah, but that doesn't make her any more attractive." said Dave. "Come on, it's ladies night at this really great bar I know of here-"
"No, you retard! It's her! The Anten Six...er, FIVE have been tracking her down for ages! If I can bring her to them, they might let me back on the team!" said Tobeigera excitedly, waving his arms around. "I'm following her!"
"Dude, no you aren't. We've got sunglasses to sell." said Dave. He looked into Tobeigera's wide, pleading eyes. "Well..... alright. We can stalk Melfina for no reason for ONE WEEK. Then it's time to get to work."
"Yay! Yay!" laughed Tobeigera, not bothering to wonder how Dave had seen his eyes if he was wearing a huge stupid mask. "You deserve a joke! What do you call an armless guy from Nevada?"
"Um...I don't know." said Dave.
"THOMAS EDISON!" laughed Tobeigera, who fell on the ground from laughing so hard.
"Wait... that didn't make any freaking sense at all." said Dave.
"You... you didn't get it? You see, Thomas Edison was a giggle he liked soccer a whole lot! And... and in Nevada they don't like soccer!" chuckled Tobeigera.
"They don't? What the hell does that have to do with anything?" asked Dave.
"Hang on, I'm not through yet!" said Tobeigera. "And Thomas Edison wore a necktie! A big long one! And in Nevada... uh... they wear REALLY LONG NECKTIES! See, it doesn't make any sense!"
"Alright... shut up." said Dave.
"But I didn't even get into explaining the 'armless' part!" sighed Tobeigera.
"Look, are we trailing Melfina or not?" asked Dave. "I've already lost her in the crowd."
"What?! You dipshit, we gotta find her!" yelled Tobeigera.
So they started looking for her.
...........
It was a baking hot, dry, and arid day in the deserts of planet Earth.
"Need.... water...." croaked Hanmyo. "Sand isn't water... I wish someone had told me that before I ate so much of it..."
"Meow." said one of her cats.
"Go get help, kitty..." she groaned. She looked up, and saw an airport in front of her. "AIRPORT! I'M SAVED!" She jumped up, picked up her cats, and ran over there. "I'm saved! I can get off this planet! Yay!" She entered the airport happily and ran over to the ticket counter. "Hey there sir! I need to buy a ticket!"
"Um... alright. Okay. Where are you going, little girl?" asked the ticket guy.
"Anywhere. Here's a million bucks. Just get me outta here." She handed him a million bucks.
"I... okay. Alright then. There's a flight leaving for the Blue Heaven spaceport in 35 minutes." said the guy, handing her a ticket. "Will you be okay traveling by yourself?"
"Well yeah, why wouldn't I be?" asked Hanmyo.
"Uh, well you're awfully young." said the guy. "I'd say you're about 9 or 10 years old."
"Don't worry, I'm fine." said Hanmyo. She glanced at her ticket then walked over to her departure gate. There was a huge crowd of people standing there. Some lady was standing there with a megaphone.
"The normal pilot just died of a heart attack! He was kind of a wussy, because him watching The Princess Diaries caused it. Anyways, is anyone here a pilot who can take over for him?" asked the lady. "A particularly good one? Maybe with a lifetime worth of experience?"
"ME ME ME ME ME! I'M A PILOT! ME ME ME ME ME ME!" yelled Hanmyo.
"Alright, congratulations little girl! You're our new pilot!" said the lady, game show host style.
"YAY!" cheered Hanmyo.
----------
And that's all there is to say about that. With chapter I tried to advance the plot more than worry about being funny. I hope I was funny anyway. I still don't really know what the plot IS that I'm trying to advance, but I guess it will make itself known to me eventually. Hopefully my writer's block is over, but it still lingers a bit.
Jet: That chapter was really really gay. That worse than the Maximus one.
I thought the Maximus one was funny!
Jet: It wasn't, trust me. It was crap. Of course compared to this one, it was pure genius.
You're just jealous!
Jet: No I'm not!
You're just a washed up anime star forced into a narrator position for an anime that was once your biggest ratings competition!
Jet: Quiet! QUIET!
No!
Jet: YES! kicks me
Ow.
Now what are you mad about, Jet?
Jet: You are a dumb, slow reject. You haven't updated this story in over a month. Everyone hates you.
Hey, it was a spell of writer's block! If you haven't noticed, it's really hard writing a story with a decent plot!
Jet: Only because you haven't done it before!
Why you little... smacks him with golf club
Jet: Ow...
Let's see you mouth off to me NOW! Weakling!
Jet: Dude, screw you.
TOSS HIM OUT THE AIRLOCK!
Jet: Who are you talking to? You're the only person besides me within a 20,000,000 mile radius. You'll have to do it yourself.
Uh... never mind then. Anyways, enjoy the chapter everyone. It's okay.
-------------
"None of those knives came even close to hitting me! You're a terrible lovemaker!" yelled Harry MacDougall defiantly. "Now lets try this again, it's all in the wrist!" Just then the phone rang. "Ah crap, I'd better go get that. You'd better not try escaping, or it'll be more SALAD DRESSING TORTURE for you!" He ran over and picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey Harry, it's Ron. What's up?" came Ron's voice from the phone.
"Oh, not a lot." shrugged Harry. "Hey, did you know we're outta salad dressing?"
"Figures. You always use up a lot of salad dressing when there's a babysitter over." sighed Ron. "How's she doing anyway? Is she gonna put you to bed on time?"
"Nah, I don't think she's gonna force it on me." shrugged Harry. Just then there came a young woman's voice from behind him.
"Call the police! Whoever's on the phone, call the police! He's a monster!" yelled the woman.
"Quiet, you!" yelled Harry. "Just because I'm outta salad dressing doesn't mean I'm outta SANDPAPER! Now shut up!"
"CALL THE POLICE! HE'S INSANE! OH GOD, SOMEBODY HELP ME!" she yelled.
"DIE, BABYSITTER FOOL!" yelled Harry, firing a harpoon gun at her.
"Oh my god, you severed my spinal cord!" moaned the woman. "ARGHLBLBLBLLBLBLLBLB...gurgle."
"What was that? Is everything all right?" asked Ron.
"Yeah, she's still tracking my hand with her eyes. I think most of her brain is intact." said Harry. "I mean, everything's good here."
"Good." said Ron. "I'm picking up fried chicken on the way home, so don't spoil your appetite."
"Yay! Fried chicken!" laughed Harry. "Get the really sweet kinda coleslaw!"
"What if they're out of sweet coleslaw?" asked Ron.
"Then just get regular coleslaw." said Harry.
"Ok." said Ron. "See ya soon." He hung up.
"HANG ON!" yelled Harry. "DON'T HANG UP! IF THEY'RE OUT OF REGULAR COLESLAW GET POTATO SALAD! POTATO SALAAAAAAD! NOOOOOOO!"
............
"Hey, what's the matter Gene?" asked Jim.
"I just felt a strange disturbance in the force." said Gene, stricken with fear. "It was as if some really hot chick somewhere just got her spinal cord severed, and was suddenly silenced."
"You ALWAYS get that feeling after you drink too much, Gene." shrugged Aisha. "You just had a little TOO much punch at that Beach Boys concert, and now you're feeling the after effects!"
"There! Now I just got that feeling that some guy somewhere is sad because he doesn't get to eat coleslaw!" said Gene frantically. "Why doesn't anyone believe me?!"
"Because it's stupid and not even remotely possible." said Suzuka.
Our astro-friends were in the Party Ship, zooming through the galaxy. As always they were on a quest for fun and adventure. They were also on a quest to find Melfina, but nobody really cared about that. Gene sort of half-cared, but he often forgot where he was and what he was doing.
"All I'm saying is I obviously possess some sort of strange psychic power!" said Gene. "Witness my psychicness!" Then he sat down and started to predict. He predicted many odd, bizarre things. Lots of them probably weren't true, and the ones that were nobody could prove. Since no one on the ship was a gullible moron, Gene didn't convince anyone. I don't know what the point of all that was, but whatever.
"Hey fellas, we're running low on fuel." said Gilliam happily. "Should we dock at Blue Heaven to replenish our supplies?"
"Gilliam, never ever say the word 'fellas' again." said Gene. "And yes, lets dock. How far away are we from Blue Heaven?"
"About...40 feet and quickly losing altitude." said Gilliam brightly. Then they crashed.
............
"You know, there's always room for one more in my group on Anten people." said Hazanko warmly. "Would you like to join my special Anten team of constantly changing number?"
"Sorry," said Dave the Sunglasses Guy. "But I've still got some sunglasses to sell if I wanna turn a profit." The two of them were in a Heiphon docking bay, saying their goodbyes.
"Really? About how many more do you think you need to sell?" asked Hazanko.
"Well, I stocked myself with about 5 million...they cost about 100 dollars each..." said Dave, doing math in his head.
"A HUNDRED DOLLARS EACH?!" yelled Hazanko. "You paid that much a piece for those cheaply made sunglasses you're always selling?"
"They are NOT cheaply made." said Dave indignantly. "They're made with the highest quality child slave laborers available! Wanna buy a pair?"
Hazanko sighed, and pulled out his wallet. "How much are they?"
"5 bucks a piece, as always." said Dave, reaching into his suitcase and handing Hazanko a pair of sunglasses.
"God, at 5 bucks a piece for 100 dollar sunglasses, you'll never turn a profit!" remarked Hazanko, handing Dave 5 bucks.
"Ha HA!" laughed Dave triumphantly. "That's where the secondly compound interest comes in!" He glanced at his watch. "Alright, that'll be 500 bucks!"
"WHAT?!" yelled Hazanko. "Secondly compound interest?!"
"Whoa, make that 1050 bucks! 4700! 10785!" said Dave, ticking off the seconds. "You'd better hurry and pay before it gets any higher! 24590!"
"Ack!" yelled Hazanko, handing him a $30000 bill. "Keep the change!"
"Thanks!" laughed Dave, pocketing the bill. "Fooled ya, there really is no compounded income tax."
"What?" said Hazanko. "Gimme my money back, you dumb bastard!"
"No way!" said Dave.
"Yes way!" said Hazanko.
"No way!" said Dave, hopping into his spaceship. "See ya later!"
"Hey! You get back here!" yelled Hazanko. But Dave was already revving up his engines and preparing to blast off. "I'm gonna tao magic blast you! I swear I'll do it!"
Suddenly, Tobeigera came running out of the Geomancer, and hopped on Dave's windshield. "Take me with you! Take me with yooouuuu!"
"Aaaaah!" yelled Dave, turning on the windshield wipers.
"Crap, who let him out of his torture chamber?!" yelled Hazanko, enraged.
"It was Hitoriga! It was his idea to let him go watch TV!" said Jukei, who had just come running out of the Geomancer along with Hitoriga.
"It was a Courage the Cowardly Dog marathon on Cartoon Network! I wanted to make him suffer!" said Hitoriga defensively.
"So... retardedly... UNFUNNY!" sobbed Tobeigera, pounding on Dave's windshield. "Make my pain end!" He reached over and pulled open the door opposite the driver's side.
"Hey! Get outta here!" yelled Dave, kicking Tobeigera in the face.
"Shoot him! Shoot him!" yelled Hazanko.
"Since when do we have guns?" asked Hitoriga and Jukei.
"Damn you, you primitive non-firearm bastards! Where's Leilong?!" yelled Hazanko.
"I think he's trying to beat the record for the most games of Minesweeper played in a week." shrugged Hitoriga.
"He's on game 674!" said Jukei cheerfully.
"Really? How many has he won?" asked Hazanko, genuinely interested.
"Well, he's mainly going for speed... I think about 4." said Hitoriga, counting on his fingers.
"Wow. What's the record?" asked Hazanko.
"4098." said Jukei.
"Cool. Think he can do it?" Hazanko said casually.
"Maybe. It's hard to say." said Hitoriga. "Having no food, water, sleep, or bathroom breaks is definitely wearing him down."
"Awesome. I hope he-" started Hazanko. "Wait! Where's the clowny-head?!"
MEANWHILE
"Holy crap, thank you SO much for rescuing me!" said Tobeigera thankfully.
"It's not a problem." said Dave, steering the ship. He glanced at a small flashing light on the dashboard. "What's that mean?"
Tobeigera looked at the light. "Oh, we must have left one of the doors open. He and Tobeigera both opened and slammed their doors shut. The light kept blinking.
"Shit! We gotta find out which door's open before we exit the atmosphere!" yelled Dave frantically.
"But this is a huge multi-level parking garage ship!" yelled Tobeigera, unbelieving.
"Quick, go check out levels A through Triple Z! I'll stay here and watch the cockpit!" yelled Dave as Tobeigera ran off. "Reject." muttered Dave, helping himself to some lemonade after Tobeigera left.
........
"This is just terrible!" said Gene, crawling from the twisted burning wreckage of the Party Ship. "Now we're stranded here until we can get the ship fixed!"
"What're you trying to do, kill us?!" yelled Suzuka, picking up a little Gilliam bot.
"Here now, that's simply ridiculous!" said Gilliam indignantly. "You make it sound like I'm not getting paid for it!"
"Look, this is no time to fight." sighed Jim, typing on his laptop which miraculously survived the crash. "The first thing we should do is find Melfina!"
"Oh, that'll be easy." said Aisha, dripping with sarcasm. She was also dripping with blood, since the crash tore a wound in her head. "We don't have a ship, remember?"
"We don't need a ship. She's right here on Blue Heaven." said Jim, turning his laptop around and revealing a map of the city with a small red dot on it. "I've been trying to track her for ages, but I've come to the conclusion that she's right here." He pointed at the red dot. Then his eyes traced the screen, noticing many other red dots. "...Or maybe it's this red dot. Or that one."
"Well which is it?" asked Suzuka.
"I dunno... there weren't that many red dots to begin with!" said Jim. He looked up. "Oh, so that's it! Aisha, quit bleeding on the screen!"
"Sorry..." sighed Aisha.
"Damn, it's already dried!" said Jim, wiping the screen. "Now we'll never know which one it was!"
Suddenly they heard a familiar voice behind them. "Ah, I THOUGHT I recognized you! So nice to...SEE you again! HAR HAR HAR!"
"Oh my god!" yelled Gene, clasping a hand over his mouth. "It's...It's YOU!"
Aisha fainted in pure, abject terror.
[AND NOW, A COMMERCIAL!]
"It was a normal Saturday evening!" sobbed Fred pitifully. "I...I had just rented The Crying Game... It was going great for a while, but then..." he wiped his eyes, "IT HAPPENED."
Cue shitty flashback effects. Since this is a story and not a comic, movie, or anything else where you could actually see the aforementioned shitty flashback effect, you will obviously not see one. That is, of course, unless you make your own! Try it at home, kids! Follow these easy instructions, and you can have shitty flashback effects wherever, and whenever you want!
MATERIALS: 2 Eyeballs, 2 Fingers, 1 Large Roll of Dental Floss
Firstly, prepare the two (2) fingers buy washing them with soap and warm water. Remember: A clean shitty flashback effect is a happy one! Then, carefully insert the two (2) fingers into your two (2) eyeballs. Press very very hard. If done correctly, everything will begin blurring up and your vision will be impaired, just like in a REAL flashback effect! Treat yourself to some corn on the cob for your hard work, and don't forget the dental floss!
"Thanks to shitty flashback effects, I can remember movies about women with penises with much more flair and style!" laughed Fred.
"Before I had shitty flashback effects, I was a nobody!" remarks a famous movie director, through bandaged eyes. "But now look at me! If I'm not a somebody, I don't know who is! Thanks, shitty flashback effects!"
So the next time you've got a memory you can't wait to remember, and don't want to make a fool out of yourself, what can you do? Why, just ask Fred!
"Marry me, Fred!" begged a woman, clutching Fred's jacket.
"Please Fred, marry me for my money!" begged another.
"Fred, I absolutely ADORE your shitty flashback effects!" said another.
"ACK! GET EM OFFA ME!" yelled Fred, diving out a window.
[AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!]
"That's right!" said Ninja Monkey Ya-Hoo-Hah happily. "It's me!"
"Dude, it's good to see you again!" laughed Gene, clapping Ninja Monkey on the back.
"Eh? Who's this monkey guy?" asked Aisha, perplexed.
"You remember him, Aisha!" Jim said happily. "He fought against this giant sumo wrestler and dragged us into it for no reason!"
"Oh YEAH!" said Aisha. "And then the Arby's Oven Mitt came and saved the day!"
"Is that what happened?" asked Gene, confused. "I thought it was the Pepsi Girl."
"No, I'm pretty sure it was the mitten." said Aisha.
"Anyways, what brings you to Blue Heaven?" Suzuka asked Ninja Monkey.
"My arch enemy, Kick Pow Smack Poof, is hiding out here! I'm here to take him out no matter the cost!" yelled Ninja Monkey Ya-Hoo-Hah, unsheathing his swords amidst lots of sparklies and really badly animated DBZ style blurry backgrounds.
"That evil, evil maniacal bastard." said Suzuka, gritting her teeth. "How can we help you stop him?"
"Tell me, have any of you ever operated a piece of velcro?" asked Ninja Monkey frantically.
"I received expert velcro training from my dad all throughout my childhood years!" said Gene proudly. "I was a child prodigy. At only age 9, I was able to successfully open and close my wallet! Only a few years later I mastered the double knot!"
"Wow!" responded Ninja Monkey, clearly impressed. "If your skills are as advanced as you say they are, Mr. Starwind, then we simply can't fail!"
"Can't fail what?" asked Jim. "What's your plan?"
"Alright, I'll tell you." said Ninja Monkey. Then they got into a stupid cliché huddle and did the stupid cliché whispering thing. You know, the stupidest cliché of all.
.........
"Alright...huff I'm pant finished." panted Tobeigera, clutching his chest. "Nothing. All cough closed."
"Same here." said Dave. He jerked his thumb at the light on the dashboard. "Good news though. That's actually the fuel light. I kinda forgot to fill up before we left."
There was a long pause.
"We're not gonna die! Isn't that great!" laughed Dave. "This ship is still airtight and ready to fly-"
"YOU FUCKING RETARD!" yelled Tobeigera, jumping and trying to strangle Dave.
"Ack! Can't breathe!" choked Dave.
"Hooray! That means I'm doing right!" said Tobeigera happily.
...........
It was a lovely, enchanted evening outside Kick Pow Smack Poof's base. Our heroes had one thought on their minds: REVENGE. Yes, them soundly defeating him without a scratch on their bodies really pissed them off. Now it's payback time.
"Alright, this is team Alpha." said Gene, from behind a bush, speaking into a walkie talkie. "Other teams, report."
"Roger, team Beta here." responded Jim. "I don't see anything."
"This is team Gamma." said Ninja Monkey. "No sign of anyone here."
"I'm not picking up anything on radar." spoke Suzuka. "Repeat, team Delta reads no sign of anyone."
"I'm not radar." said Gilliam.
"Yes, yes you are." said Suzuka.
"For the love of god Gene, how many times do we have to do these report things until you're convinced it's safe to start the mission?" asked Aisha.
"Alright alright, fine." muttered Gene. "Do we have the enormous tank ready?"
"Sir, yes sir!" said Jim, patting the side of an enormous tank.
"Alright then, commence with plan B!" yelled Gene.
"Plan B? What the hell happened to plan A?" asked Ninja Monkey.
"It sucked. I trashed it." said Gene.
"You mean the plan that involved Jim hacking into Kick Pow Smack Poof's dismally insecure computer system, deleting all his porn so that he'd go into a deep suicidal state of depression, and ultimately be defeated without anyone getting in the slightest bit of danger?" asked Suzuka.
"Yeah. No wait...yeah. That's the one." said Gene. "You can't base an entire episode of an action anime on something lame like that! People want explosions!"
"Oh yeah, right." said Suzuka.
"So who's steering the tank into Kick Pow's base?" asked Jim.
"ME ME ME ME ME ME!" yelled Aisha, jumping like 10 feet straight up in the air. She hopped inside. "How do I change gears?"
"The... uh, the stick shift." said Jim.
"This has a STICK SHIFT?" asked Aisha. "What kind of lame tank is this?"
"A big one." said Gene. "Now remember Aisha, explosions explosions explosions! Steer for any gasoline barrels you see."
"How do I get up the stairs?" asked Aisha.
"We'll figure that out later." shrugged Gene. "Now get going!"
"YEEEEEHAAAAAWWW!" yelled Aisha, pounding the tank into top speed. "This is AAAAWWWWEEEESSOOOOOMMMMEEEEE!!"
"You're going like 10 miles an hour." said Gene. "Tanks aren't fast."
"Oh, yeah." said Aisha, already bored. She steered the tank slowly up to Kick Pow's secret base. "Dude! This song sucks!" she yelled, fiddling with the radio tuner. "Who the hell likes Oasis, anyway?" She accidentally brushed the weapon fire button. A huge missile shot from the tank and blew down a good chunk of the base's front wall. "Haha! Awesome!" yelled Aisha, pressing the button over and over again.
MEANWHILE
"Hang on, this is Gamma Squadron." said Ninja Monkey, tensely into his walkie talkie. "I... think I see something."
"Is it green?" asked Suzuka.
"Is it red?" asked Gene.
"Is it alive or is it dead?" asked Jim.
"I can't put my finger on it." responded Ninja Monkey. Ween references are fun. "But it's getting closer!"
"Ha ha haha!" laughed Kick Pow Smack Poof, stepping out of the shadows. "You dumb head fools! Did you really think that I'd just be sitting in my base, waiting for you to destroy me?"
"Well...yeah." said Gene.
"Well then you're stupid! Stupid!" laughed Kick Pow evilly. "No, the only things in that base are millions of tons of explosives! Ha ha ha! Your little cat friend will be dead within seconds! Ha!" Suddenly the base exploded in a huge, ear shattering boom. Bits of rubble were flying everywhere.
"NOOOOO! AISHA!" yelled Jim.
"Hooray! Our ratings are already up by half a point!" said Gene happily.
"I'm so totally evil!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof.
"Your bones were all dissolved into nothing." said Ninja Monkey. "How is it you are standing before me?"
"Ah yes, don't think I've forgotten that little ordeal you." said Kick Pow. "It required the ancient sumo technique of bone regrowth to heal myself. It was long, arduous, and very painful. I swore revenge on you, and your little friends here." He glanced at the smoldering remnants of the building and chuckled. "And it would appear that now, my revenge is partially complete."
"Bastard!" yelled Suzuka, drawing her sword.
"No, Suzuka." said Ninja Monkey, being totally badass. "Let me handle this vermin." He unsheathed his twin katanas and leapt at Kick Pow.
"Haha! I have been waiting for this moment! Ha! Haha!" laughed Kick Pow maliciously. Just then, a familiar tune started to play...
Everybody was Kung Fu fighting
Those jerks were as fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing
"Christ, not again." sighed Suzuka, dodging Kick Pow Smack Poof, who was flying her way after a misjudged leap. "Damn songfics."
"Come on, it's not that bad." shrugged Jim. "At least it's a good song."
"I feel a slight pang of guilt for rocking out to this awesome song when Aisha just died in a painful fireball." said Suzuka.
"Come on, don't be a party pooper." said Gene. Suzuka sighed and started dancing.
There was funky china men from funky chinatown
They was trapping when up, they ws trapping when down
It's an ancient Chinese art, and everybody knew their part
For my friend, ain't you a stiff, then I'm kickin' from the hip
Ninja Monkey fell to the ground in front of them. "Haha! You have fallen, slain! I am victorious!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof. "My revenge is complete! Now I walk away!" Then Kick Pow started walking away.
"NOT SO FAST!" yelled Gene, aiming his caster at Kick Pow Smack Poof. Kick Pow whirled around.
"N-no! You wouldn't!" yelled Kick Pow.
"Yes I would!" yelled Gene.
"I don't know what on Earth you two are talking about." said Gilliam. "I tossed out those drab, boring caster shells in favor of some lovely smelling potpourri! It adds some flair to our boring ship!"
"WHAT?! YOU RETARD!" yelled Gene, kicking Gilliam.
"Hahaha! ha!" laughed Kick Pow Smack Poof. "NOW I SHALL DESTROY ALL OF YOU SINCE YOU ARE DEFENSELESS TO STOP ME!"
"Oh no!" yelled Suzuka. "Wait, don't I still have my sword?"
But then, just when all seemed lost, when all hope was faded-
"Hey! All hope isn't faded, you reject! I still have my sword!" yelled Suzuka.
Shut up, Suzuka. Anyways, in this most bleakest of hours a lone figure appeared on the horizon. He was a shining hero of hope, a hero who always came through and saved the day. He feared no one, and yet everyone feared him. He was...
"The Arby's mitten! He's here to save us!" yelled Gene. "Hooray!"
"Hey! HEY! Why can't I save us?!" yelled Suzuka.
"Quiet, you!" said the Arby's mitten. He was carrying something. Gene squinted to see what it was...
"It's Aisha! She's alive!" laughed Gene, clapping his hands gleefully.
"Nuts!" yelled Kick Pow Smack Poof. "The danged mitten saved her!"
"He didn't save me." said Aisha. "I got bored and left the mission. The mitten kidnapped me on the the way to Pizza Hut."
"Ah, but the breadsticks there give you indigestion!" said the Arby's mitten.
"Oh yeah! Thanks Arby's mitten!" said Aisha happily. By now the mitten had reached Kick Pow Smack Poof. He set Aisha down and looked up at him. "Are you ready to die?"
"Oh my god!" yelled Kick Pow. "Wh-what are you going to do to me?!"
The Arby's mitten held up a small videotape. "This tape contains the never before seen next commercial in the long line of Arby's mitten commercials. I can guarantee, it's VERY painful."
Kick Pow Smack Poof gulped.
"Now you can surrender, and walk away from this place, leaving these people unharmed...Or, we can watch the video." said the mitten coolly.
"Yeah right, you're bluffing." said Kick Pow, uncertainly.
"Am I?" chuckled the mitten, and put the tape into a VCR/TV that magically appeared next to him.
"You wouldn't do it. You wouldn't do...THAT to me." said Kick Pow nervously.
The mitten's thumb moved for the Play button.
"OH MY GOD RUN FOR IT!" yelled Kick Pow, running for it.
"Hooray! Victory for mitten!" yelled the Arby's mitten triumphantly as Kick Pow ran off into the distance.
"What about Ninja Monkey? Will he be okay?" asked Suzuka worriedly.
"Don't worry ma'am, he's just unconscious." said the Arby's mitten. "Your boyfriend will be just fine."
"My boyfriend?!" shouted Suzuka angrily. "He's not my boyfriend!"
"He's not?" asked Aisha, confused.
"Of course he's not! He's a monkey!" said Suzuka.
"So you're saying you simply COULDN'T care for a man who was a monkey?" asked the mitten.
"Yes!" said Suzuka.
"It disgusts me how horribly superficial you are." said the Arby's mitten. "Anyways, my work here is done. You folks will be alright." He picked up Ninja Monkey. "This is only the beginning of mankind's war on the sumo wrestlers. Ninja Monkey will have to come with me so we can plan our next attack as a team. I'm sure we'll meet again." Then the Arby's mitten, with Ninja Monkey in his arms, flew away.
"YOU'RE A BADASS, NINJA MONKEY!" called Aisha after him. "A FLIPPING BADASS! I LOVE YOU! SUZUKA JUST DOESN'T LIKE YOU CAUSE SHE'S AN IDIOT DYKE!"
"For fuck's sake, shut up!" yelled Suzuka.
..........
"Woohoo! Blue Heaven! We made it!" laughed Dave the Sunglasses Guy. "High five!"
Tobeigera high fived him, half-heartedly. "How did you survive my strangulation?"
"You're not very good at it." shrugged Dave. "Now lets get looking for an apartment!"
"An apartment? What the hell do we need an apartment for?" asked Tobeigera.
"We've gotta lay low here for a while. Hazanko and the rest of those Anten guys are sure to be closely on our trail, so we have to keep a low profile." said Dave.
MEANWHILE
"WOOOO WOOOOOO!" cheered Hazanko. "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"
"She won't have the guts to go through with it!" said Leilong. "Baked beans are fattening!"
"Oh yeah?! Just watch me!" yelled Hamushi, who then started drunkenly shoveling baked beans into her mouth. "Mrflebllblbl!"
"Haha! Dude, that's disgusting!" laughed Jukei.
"Whoa, I'm gonna be sick!" yelled Iraga.
"Mrglbllrlbllb!" agreed Hamushi.
"Dude, Hazanko! Crack open another beer!" said Hitoriga happily.
"YEAH! WOOOO HOOOO!" laughed Hazanko, who began running around bumping into things.
BACK ON BLUE HEAVEN...
"Those guys are always vigilant, they never tire. They're probably gaining another 25,000 miles on us for every second we spend sitting around here." said Dave. "You have to watch those guys, they're very serious about their work."
"Well, if you say so." shrugged Tobeigera. "Let's go pick up a newspaper and see if anyone has some rooms up for ren-" he paused, then looked at a girl who walked by him. He grabbed Dave and turned him towards the girl, who was now walking away. "Dude, look at that girl!"
Dave looked. "Yeah, what about her?" he asked. "She's alright, but hardly schwing-worthy. I don't like her hair."
"No no, look closer! Isn't that the Party Ship's navigator girl robot thing?" asked Tobeigera. Indeed it was. Melfina was only about 40 feet away from them, reading a magazine at a news stand.
"Yeah, but that doesn't make her any more attractive." said Dave. "Come on, it's ladies night at this really great bar I know of here-"
"No, you retard! It's her! The Anten Six...er, FIVE have been tracking her down for ages! If I can bring her to them, they might let me back on the team!" said Tobeigera excitedly, waving his arms around. "I'm following her!"
"Dude, no you aren't. We've got sunglasses to sell." said Dave. He looked into Tobeigera's wide, pleading eyes. "Well..... alright. We can stalk Melfina for no reason for ONE WEEK. Then it's time to get to work."
"Yay! Yay!" laughed Tobeigera, not bothering to wonder how Dave had seen his eyes if he was wearing a huge stupid mask. "You deserve a joke! What do you call an armless guy from Nevada?"
"Um...I don't know." said Dave.
"THOMAS EDISON!" laughed Tobeigera, who fell on the ground from laughing so hard.
"Wait... that didn't make any freaking sense at all." said Dave.
"You... you didn't get it? You see, Thomas Edison was a giggle he liked soccer a whole lot! And... and in Nevada they don't like soccer!" chuckled Tobeigera.
"They don't? What the hell does that have to do with anything?" asked Dave.
"Hang on, I'm not through yet!" said Tobeigera. "And Thomas Edison wore a necktie! A big long one! And in Nevada... uh... they wear REALLY LONG NECKTIES! See, it doesn't make any sense!"
"Alright... shut up." said Dave.
"But I didn't even get into explaining the 'armless' part!" sighed Tobeigera.
"Look, are we trailing Melfina or not?" asked Dave. "I've already lost her in the crowd."
"What?! You dipshit, we gotta find her!" yelled Tobeigera.
So they started looking for her.
...........
It was a baking hot, dry, and arid day in the deserts of planet Earth.
"Need.... water...." croaked Hanmyo. "Sand isn't water... I wish someone had told me that before I ate so much of it..."
"Meow." said one of her cats.
"Go get help, kitty..." she groaned. She looked up, and saw an airport in front of her. "AIRPORT! I'M SAVED!" She jumped up, picked up her cats, and ran over there. "I'm saved! I can get off this planet! Yay!" She entered the airport happily and ran over to the ticket counter. "Hey there sir! I need to buy a ticket!"
"Um... alright. Okay. Where are you going, little girl?" asked the ticket guy.
"Anywhere. Here's a million bucks. Just get me outta here." She handed him a million bucks.
"I... okay. Alright then. There's a flight leaving for the Blue Heaven spaceport in 35 minutes." said the guy, handing her a ticket. "Will you be okay traveling by yourself?"
"Well yeah, why wouldn't I be?" asked Hanmyo.
"Uh, well you're awfully young." said the guy. "I'd say you're about 9 or 10 years old."
"Don't worry, I'm fine." said Hanmyo. She glanced at her ticket then walked over to her departure gate. There was a huge crowd of people standing there. Some lady was standing there with a megaphone.
"The normal pilot just died of a heart attack! He was kind of a wussy, because him watching The Princess Diaries caused it. Anyways, is anyone here a pilot who can take over for him?" asked the lady. "A particularly good one? Maybe with a lifetime worth of experience?"
"ME ME ME ME ME! I'M A PILOT! ME ME ME ME ME ME!" yelled Hanmyo.
"Alright, congratulations little girl! You're our new pilot!" said the lady, game show host style.
"YAY!" cheered Hanmyo.
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And that's all there is to say about that. With chapter I tried to advance the plot more than worry about being funny. I hope I was funny anyway. I still don't really know what the plot IS that I'm trying to advance, but I guess it will make itself known to me eventually. Hopefully my writer's block is over, but it still lingers a bit.
Jet: That chapter was really really gay. That worse than the Maximus one.
I thought the Maximus one was funny!
Jet: It wasn't, trust me. It was crap. Of course compared to this one, it was pure genius.
You're just jealous!
Jet: No I'm not!
You're just a washed up anime star forced into a narrator position for an anime that was once your biggest ratings competition!
Jet: Quiet! QUIET!
No!
Jet: YES! kicks me
Ow.