Hey there, O unborn atom children of the lost civilization!
The time has come for you to shed your protective shell of pus and
jelly, and begin
life as a being of Malak! Yes! YES! Raise your antennae to skies and
feel the cold north wind upon your stalks! The senses and feelings of
generations past flood you with information! Fill you with a
knowledge that the average human being could only dream of! Bend your
arms!
Stretch your legs! In your 8 appendages you wield more power than an
army of men! You are the product of millions of years of evolution,
the
finest beings upon this planet! Now go forth! Spread your mighty
wings and begin your heightened existence!
Jet: Oh baby! Intense! I feel like a million bucks!
...You have no concept of the beauty of science.
-----------
"Dad?" asked Harry.
"No. I'm not your dad." said Hot Ice Hilda.
"Mom?" asked Harry.
"No. I'm not your mommy." said Hilda.
"Rover?" asked Harry.
"No. I'm not your cat." said Hilda.
"Rover was my dog." sniffled Harry. "He was my friend."
"I'm terribly sorry for your loss." said Hilda.
"It's not like I LOST him." said Harry. "I knew where he was
the whole time while I was slowly dismembering him."
"Ick." said Hilda.
"Wow, Hilda." said Ron. "You look great! Considering you fell
into a star and all that."
"Yeah, about that..." said Hilda. But then this huge freaky
monster busted into the room.
"ME EAT GIRLY MAN GUY!" yelled the monster.
"I'm...I'm not a girly man!" sobbed Harry as the monster ate him.
"OH MY GOD! GRAB HIS LEGS!" yelled Hilda as Harry disappeared
inside the monster.
"Okay!" yelled Melfina. She grabbed one leg and Hilda grabbed
the other.
"Wh-what should I grab?" asked Ron shakily.
"Grab my ass. Please." said Hilda lustfully.
"Uh, okay." said Ron, grabbing Hilda's ass.
"Tighten your grip!" yelled Melfina.
"Yes, please!" moaned Hilda.
"Not Ron, you! Harry's almost gone!" whined Melfina.
"Oh...Okay." said Hilda. She tightened her grip and started
pulling Harry out of the monsters mouth.
"GREGAG BLUB?" mumbled the monster.
"Okay. Harry, make yourself as thin as possible." instructed Hilda.
"As thin as possible? You mean I should regurgitate all my
food?" came Harry's voice from deep inside the monster.
"No, I mean keep your arms and stuff close to your body and-"
started Hilda. "Actually, that regurgitation thing would probably
work too. Try
that."
"Can do!" laughed Harry, instantly followed by some loud
retching noises.
"Melfina, pull harder. Ron, start massaging my cheeks a
little." commanded Hilda. "Ah, yeah. That's good. Monster, open your
mouth really
really wide."
The monster opened it's mouth really wide, surrendering it's
free will to Hilda's take-no-prisoners attitude. They easily lifted
Harry free.
"Woohoo! I'm a free man!" laughed Harry, dancing a jig.
"Alright, nice work everyone." said Hilda. "Especially Ron.
Very VERY good work on your part. Here's my phone number, Ron."
"Thanks." said Ron.
"Well, then I guess we should look for a way out of here."
said Hilda. "No point in sitting here gathering dust."
"Uh, haven't you been here for like decades and decades?"
asked Ron. Decades is a really fun word to type. You type it all with
one hand.
Decades. It's really sweet. Back to the story.
"Yes, I have been here for decades and decades and decades."
said Hilda. Sorry, I can't get over how cool that is. "I haven't
started
searching yet though."
"Wow, here's an emergency exit!" said Melfina happily.
"Man, I should have done that searching thing DECADES ago!"
laughed Hilda. They walked out of the door and into a huge,
brilliantly
blinding light.
"It sure is dark out here." commented Harry.
"Shut up." said Ron.
"Look! It's our car!" said Melfina, as soon as the light
subsided to reveal the highway they drove off.
"IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?!" yelled Harry.
"Yes Harry, that's our car." said Ron, slightly irritated.
"We've already covered that."
"Oh, okay." said Harry.
"WHOA! IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?!" screamed Melfina.
"Yeah, that's a roadsign." said Ron.
"Fantastic." said Melfina.
.........
"Guh. What happened? I feel like I've been knocked out for
DECADES!" exclaimed Fred, sitting up and rubbing his head. He glanced
around
and saw the twisted burning wreckage of his and Gene's cars all
around. He saw Gene's and Jim's unconcious bodies lying a few feet
away. He heard a familiar noise. He turned around to see....PUPPY IN
A CAGE! BARKING! FREAKY SHIT, MAN!
"CLEVELAND!" Fred squealed with glee, opening the cage and
hugging the puppy. "Did you get a haircut? I never noticed you were a
golden retriever before! Oh well, it's so good to see you again!"
Aisha stirred and woke up next to him. "Gurgle. Hey there
Fred. Nice driving, asshole."
"Thank you!" said Fred happily. "I thought you were driving
superbly as well!"
"Where's Gene and Jim?" asked Aisha.
"Over there." said Fred, pointing at them. "We'll OBVIOUSLY
have to give them mouth to mouth."
"Oh definitely." said Aisha. "I get dibs on Jim." She walked
over and started pulling Jim's clothes off.
"What are you doing Aisha?" asked Fred.
"Uh...I figured they might be...(cough) hot." said Aisha. "It
would be best to take all their clothes off."
"Good thinking!" said Fred, stripping off all of Gene's clothes.
"We should probably get naked too." said Aisha, taking off
all her clothes. "Shared body heat is always good."
"Man, you're so smart Aisha!" laughed Fred, shedding his
clothes as well. "Always know what to do in a crisis!"
"You'd be surprised how many problems can be solved by
getting naked." said Aisha. "It's okay to use tongue right?"
"If I said it wasn't, would you do it anyway?" asked Fred.
"Yes." said Aisha.
"Ooooh, how delightfully naughty!" chuckled Fred. "Well, lets
get started!" He quickly began making out with Gene. Aisha did the
same with
Jim.
4 HOURS LATER
"Anything yet?" panted Fred.
"Not yet." panted Aisha. "Is there anything we're doing wrong?"
"I don't think so." said Fred. He sighed. "My tongue is
getting sore."
"I'm getting hip cramps from my body gyrations." said Aisha moodily.
"Me too." said Fred.
Suddenly Gene woke up. "Hi everybod-BOOOOOOBS!" he launched
himself at Aisha.
"Ack! Get him off!" yelled Aisha, kicking Gene and sending
him flying into a ravine.
"NOOOO! GEEEENE!" cried Fred. "I knew you well!"
"ME TOOOO!" cried Aisha.
"WHAT'S THE QUESTIOOOOON?" cried Jim, just waking up.
"Oh, hey Jim. Nice night for a pair of romantically
intertwined people to be alone together, wouldn't you say?" asked
Aisha.
"You don't say! Is that why you and Fred are sitting out here
together with your clothes off and looking very sexually excited?"
asked Jim.
"....No. That's insulting." said Aisha.
"Jim, allow me to point out that Aisha has boobs." said Fred,
clarifying the situation.
"Good point." said Jim.
............
It was a day of wine and roses in some random bar somewhere
on Blue Heaven. Hazanko and the rest of the gang had been kicked out
of
every bar in the county for the occasional bit of head-explody and/or
groping and/or yelling SCHWING at the queen of England.
"I am THOROUGHLY drunk and yet I am STILL not forgetting my
problems yet!" yelled Hazanko, enraged.
"Drinking doesn't help you forget your problems, it just
makes it harder to drive." said the bartender.
"You're stupid. Shut up and give some REAL BEER! You know,
the stuff that makes you forget things!" demanded Hazanko.
"Eh, okay." said the bartender.
"Can someone help me with my drink?" asked Jukei.
"SURE! I'LL HELP YOU WITH IT ALL RIGHT!" yelled Iraga,
pouring Jukei's drink all over him.
"Hey! What the hell was that for?!" whined Jukei, hopping up
and down in rage.
"Sorry, I'm just getting PUMPED UP!" yelled Iraga, waving
clenched fists in the air.
"Give me back my clenched fists!" said Leilong angrily,
grabbing them out of Iraga's hands.
"What are you getting so PUMPED UP about anyway?" asked Hamushi.
Iraga smiled and held up a flyer. "It's the ANNUAL STRONGEST
WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE COMPETITION!"
"Oh. My. God. Nobody cares." said Hazanko.
"I care!" said Iraga.
"Well, it's not like you can enter the contest until your
LORD HAZANKO says you can." said Hazanko.
"Can I enter the contest?" asked Iraga.
"Sure. I don't care." said Hazanko.
"Yippee!" giggled Iraga.
"Can I enter too?" asked Hamushi.
"Are you sure you want to? You can't especially see..." said Hazanko.
"Sure I can." said Hamushi. "It's just a retarded looking
helmet, I can see just fine when I take it off."
"Oh. Okay." said Hazanko. "I thought it was attatched to your
head or something...You shower with it on."
"Yeah, well...There's a good explanation for that-" started
Hamushi. "WAIT! How would you know what I look like when I'm
showering!?"
"Uh...I dunno." said Hazanko.
"It's not like we've ever videotaped you taking a shower or
anything." said Leilong. "And we totally don't have a huge archive of
videos taking
up space on the Geomancer. Don't worry about it."
"Oh, that's a relief." said Hamushi.
Suddenly they heard a HUGE CRASH from outside the bar! "WHAT
IN THE WORLD WAS THAT?!" yelled Hanmyo. They all ran outside.
"Hey there everybody. Hi. Hey there. Yo. Hi dee ho." said
Gwen Kahn, stepping out of the Geomancer which he had just crashed in
the
parking lot.
"Wow! Fantastic!" laughed Hazanko. "Kahn came back after all! Yay!"
"Let's get her going! The hoosh kaw for you, bub!" said Kahn.
Everyone stared at him for a second.
"Yeah...Let's get going." said Hazanko, obviously unsettled.
"Hey Dave, are you coming with us?"
"No sir." said Dave. "It's finally time we parted ways."
"Didn't you steal a ton of money from me or something? I
can't really remember." said Hazanko, thinking.
"N-no! Of course not!" said Dave quickly. "See ya later!" He
ran off into the night.
"Well, that's good to hear!" chuckled Hazanko. "Well
everyone, climb aboard the old shipthing and lets get going!"
"Hang on, where's Hitoriga? Did we lose him?" asked Leilong,
looking around.
"Nah, he's on a DAAAAAAAATE." said Jukei, putting gallons of
unecessary emphasis on the word DATE.
"You mean with that chick who he begged and begged for
recognition from until she finally broke down and took him to the
supermarket?"
asked Leilong.
"Something like that, yeah." said Jukei.
...........
"Horus, blast us off this miserable little asteroid!"
commanded Hilda. Her, the MacDougalls, and Melfina were sitting on
board Hilda's flying
craft. I forgot what it was called. Was the ship itself called Horus
too? Dunno. The Macdougalls and Melfina were hoping to hitch a ride
to
Heiphon.
"Eh? Just who the HELL are you?" asked Horus.
"Why Horus, dontcha remember yer good buddy Hilda?" asked
Hilda, putting on a top hat and dancing around. "I liked dancing and
stuff.
Remember?"
"...What." said Horus. "I haven't been operated in decades
and decades and decades. I can't remember if I ever even HAD a master
and I
probably couldn't care less. Now clear out before I activate my
security systems."
"C'mon Horus! It's me! Hot Ice Hilda! The super babe with an
eyepatch!" said Hilda, now imitating Michael Flatley. "I may be a
little insane
from decades upon decades of solitude, but I'm still the same old
Hilda deep down."
"You're not ringing any bells." said Horus.
"Do a DNA scan or something! I'm the real deal!" yelled
Hilda, taking off her shirt for no particular reason.
"Why did you take off your shirt?" asked Melfina.
"Oh, it's a reflex. Sorry." said Hilda, putting her shirt back on.
"By glum, you really ARE my old master!" said Horus, shocked.
He blasted off and launched into space. "Holy god christ, where did
you go
Hilda?"
"I was trapped in a horrible Stephen King dimension." said
Hilda, walking over and huggling Horus' computer screen. "But now I'm
back
with you, my dear."
Horus giggled. "Oh Hilda, I'm so in love with you." he said
with contentment. "But wait, who are your friends?"
"Oh, sorry about that Horus-worus!" said Hilda, standing up.
"That's Melfina, that's Ron, and that's Harry."
"Are they new crew members?" asked Horus. "Also, isn't Ron a
guy name?"
"Ack, sorry. I was pointing to the wrong people." said Hilda,
slightly confused. "But no, they're just visitors."
"We've got a ship of our own to call home." said Harry happily.
"I don't know about this, Hilda." said Horus. "We're not
going to get any privacy with this many people on board. I haven't
seen you in ages
either, so we might want some alone time. Catch my drift?"
"Oh Horus, you don't have to talk in code with me!" giggled
Hilda. "I know EXACTLY what you mean, but it can wait a while, can't
it?"
"I-I don't know..." said Horus. "I've been hungry for the
feel of your flesh for quite some time now, my dearest Hilda."
"This is so insanely disturbing I can't even begin to fathom
it." said Ron.
"Why does everyone think that?" asked Hilda. "Certainly the
human/machine aspect of romance is a social taboo. But if you would
look past
that blindspot society has placed in front of you, you'd see that
it's a very normal and beautiful type of love, forced to be supressed
by the
pathetic and close-minded masses."
"Like incest and beastiality." said Horus helpfully.
"Exactly." said Hilda.
"Um, yeah." said Ron, looking uncomfortable. "You know, we
don't have to go all the way to Heiphon. You could, you know, just
drop us off
anywhere and we'd be fine."
"No no, it's our pleasure!" laughed Hilda. "Me and Horus are
just heading that way ourselves for our marriage!"
"Ah yes, I forgot about that proposal." said Horus. "Still
have your ring, I see."
"Of course I do. I haven't forgotten you, Horus." said Hilda,
kissing his screen.
"No really, just let us off here." said Ron frantically,
heading towards the airlock. "We could walk. Melfina could use the
exercise."
"Hey!" said Melfina.
"Hang on, aren't human/machine marriages still banned all
over the galaxy?" asked Harry.
"A few swift name changes and no one will be the wiser." said
Hilda shiftily.
"I feel like such a lawbreaker." said Ron. "Just being on the
same ship with you two is making me queasy."
"HUMAN/MACHINAPHOBE! HUMAN/MACHINAPHOBE!" yelled Hilda,
hitting Ron with a stick.
"Ow! OW! Quit hitting me, you offense to god!" yelled Ron.
"ROBOFUCKER! ROBOFUCKER!"
"WHACK WHACK!" yelled Hilda, whacking him with the stick.
"If I had arms, I'd assist you my sweet!" said Horus passionately.
"This is raunchy." said Melfina.
............
"So, you guys want a ride?" asked a guy in a car, pulling
over to greet Gene, Aisha, Jim, and Fred who were walking along the
road.
"Yeah!" said Jim.
"Well, too bad for you!" laughed the guy, driving away in a
puff of smoke. They coughed and continued walking.
"What a horrible, horrible person." said Gene.
"Hot though." said Fred.
"No." said Gene.
"Okay." said Fred.
"WHAT TRH FCUK?!" yelled Jim, pointing wildly to a shape on
the horizon of the highway. He was so excited he lost all notion of
correct
spelling.
"A car!" said Gene. They ran over to it. "Doesn't look too
bad, aside from the roof beign caved in and partially on fire."
"Man, it looks like someone flipped over and over and
teleported to an alternate Stephen King universe in this thing!"
remarked Jim.
"Wow, you're right!" said Aisha. "And the keys are still in it!
"Think it still drives?" asked Fred.
"There's only one way to find out!" said Gene, with a
familiar tone of danger in his voice. He rolled up his sleeves.
"But where are we going to find a ton of qualified automobile
experts to examine it way out here?" asked Jim.
"Hmmm, good point." said Gene, rubbing his chin. "I guess
we're stuck then."
"Rats. I could have sworn you were on to something." said Aisha.
"Wh-what if we just got in and tried to drive it?" asked
Fred, stuttering with fear.
"What the hell? Do you have a death wish or something?" asked
Gene frantically. "No, we have to take this slow...You never know
what
could happen! If the car IS in fact not working....who knows what the
consequences might be!"
"Are you people retarded?" asked Jim curiously.
"Let AISHA give this a try!" yelled Aisha, leaping into the
car and turning the ignition.
"NOOOOOO! AISHAAAAAA!" yelled Gene, straining towards the car
as Jim and Fred held his arms.
"Leave her Gene, LEAVE HER! We have to get to safety!" yelled Jim.
"WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE HER!" said Gene. "HOW CAN YOU EVEN SAY THAT?!"
"Woohoo! It works!" said Aisha happily, driving the car around.
"Aisha...Oh my god..." sobbed Gene, dropping to his knees. "I
can't believe you're gone..."
"There there Gene, dry those tears." said Fred, handing him a
hankercheif. "It's not the end."
"You're right." said Gene dramatically. He stood up. "It's
NEVER the end! We will live through this time of hardship!"
"Gene, there are times when it's excruciatingly painful to be
your friend." sighed Jim.
"GET IN DA CAR! IN! CAR!" yelled Aisha, honking the horn really loud.
"I'm so very alone." said Gene moodily.
...........
"Okay. Which video will it be today?" asked Leilong, leading
Hazanko and Jukei onto a descending platform which led them through
thousands of feet of shelves containing simple videotapes.
"Ah, we have accumulated quite a library here aboard the
basement of the Geomancer." said Hazanko. "I'm sure there's no larger
collection
of Hamushi shower videos anywhere in the galaxy."
"Yes, we've put a lot of hard work into this." said Jukei.
"Let's go with number 45,607 today. 6/26/67. That one's a personal
favorite of mine."
"No no, I was thinking more along the lines of number 78,994.
8/03/85. First time using Bodrial's Coconut-scented shampoo." said
Leilong,
pulling a video off the nearest shelf.
"Ah yes, great choice." said Hazanko. "There's a lot of great
material from the Bodrial era."
"It's awful how most of our vintage tapes from that era got
destroyed when we crash landed on Earth a few months back." sighed
Jukei. "We
lost tons of valuable material. We can't really claim to own the full
set without those."
"What? They were destroyed?" asked Hazanko.
"Yeah. Only a handful of tapes from that era survived the
crash. For the most part the rest of the collection was unharmed."
said Jukei. "Still
an undeniably terrible loss for mankind."
"Indeed." said Leilong. "But there's no point of dwelling on
it now. The best we can do is forget it." The three of them rode the
platform back
up through the huge video library and to the base level of the ship.
They walked into the living room. Hanmyo, Tobeigera, and Iraga were
sitting around on the various couches and doing things.
"Hey guys, whatcha doin?" asked Tobeigera.
"Nothing that interests you, you gruesome little freak." said
Hazanko.
"Got some more porn videos of Hamushi?" asked Tobeigera.
"Maybe. You can't watch though." said Jukei.
"You guys are disgusting." said Iraga. "Why don't you take
some shower videos of ME for once?"
"...Ew." said everyone in the room.
"Come on, I'm not that bad! A little beefy maybe..." said
Iraga. "But I'm actually very pretty!"
"No you aren't." said Leilong.
"You guys just don't want to go to all the trouble to install
a secret camera in my shower, and you know it." said Iraga. "You're
lazy."
"No, you're just hideous." said Jukei.
"That's no excuse!" said Iraga. She picked up Hanmyo.
"Hanmyo's pretty! Why don't you put a camera in her shower? Eh? What
do you have
to say to that? You're just lazy!"
There was a moment of long silence. "ARE YOU INSANE?!" yelled
Tobeigera.
"She's like 5!" said Leilong.
"I've had one there for years." said Hazanko. Everyone stared
at him. "None of you heard that, and if you did then you don't care."
"Okay." said Jukei. He turned to Iraga. "Look, the point here
is that you look like ass. We'll never willingly take shower videos
of you until this
changes. That's just a fact you'll have to accept."
"Well..." said Iraga. "Okay. I see how it is."
"Good. I'm glad we talked some sense into you." said Hazanko.
"Now go drink some protein shakes or something, it's high time we
looked
at an actually ATTRACTIVE woman." Iraga walked out the door. Hazanko
popped the video into a VCR and a slightly grainy video of
Hamushi's gorgeous nude showering body appeared on the screen.
"So, where are we headed?" asked Jukei, looking out a window
at the stars blazing past the ship.
"Heiphon." said Hazanko. "We've got some unfinished business there."
"We do?" asked Leilong.
"Probably. We have unfinished business everywhere. We're such
procrastinators." shrugged Hazanko.
...........
It was a jaguar of a day inside a city on Blue Heaven. Aisha,
Fred, Gene, and Jim finally got in the car and drove home.
"We're on the ROAD AGAAAAAAIN!" sang Aisha. "LIKE HIGHWAY
GYPSIES NOW! WE'RE ON THE ROAD AGAAAIIIN!"
"No. Shut up." said Gene. "Eyes on the road."
"Why is Aisha even driving anyway?" asked Jim. "I think it's
been proven that she's a woefully uneffective driver."
"You're not one to talk, Big Jim!" said Aisha.
"...Big Jim?" asked Fred.
"Forget about it Fred, Aisha's just temporarily insane." said
Gene. "So, how do you like your dog?"
"Dog? Oh yeah, him." said Fred. "I left him back at the crash site."
"Uh. Great." said Gene, slapping his forehead. "So we're back
at square one, dog-wise?"
"Nah, I don't need a dog anymore." said Fred. He held up a
cat. "Not since I stole this cat from the 'dangerous and rabies
infected' ward of
the veterinarian's! Careful now, the little guy bites!" The cat
immediately attacked Aisha's face. "I think he likes you!"
"I...can't see! I'm gonna crash!" yelled Aisha.
"No! No more crashes! We'll never finish this storyarc at
this rate!" said Jim, trying to pull the cat off Aisha. Gene finally
tore it off and tossed
it out the window.
"Nooooo! Herberrrrt!" sobbed Fred, manually rolling down the
window so he could dramatically reach behind the car for his poor
misisng
cat friend.
"You really need a new car. Manual window rolling-downers?
Laaaame." said Fred, coming back inside.
"Shut yer hole." said Jim. "Hey, who's that guy up there? In
the middle of the road?"
"Is that really be..." said Gene in awe.
"Who? Who is it?" asked Aisha, squinting against the
sunlight. "Oh. Yeah. That guy." She sped up the car and swerved to
hit him. The guy
dived out of the way and Aisha crashed into some garbage cans and
stopped.
"Hey guys! Man, it's great to see ya!" said Dave the
Sunglasses Guy. "Think you guys could give me a ride somewheres?"
"No. Get outta here." said Aisha.
"Say, I don't believe we've met." said Dave, taking off his
sunglasses and acting all handsome. "My name is Dave. Purveyor of
sunglasses,
romancer of lonely damsels, and quoter of Wayne's World. You can just
call me Daveykins for now though, my gorgeous Ctarl maiden."
"We've met. How 'bout if I just call you 'Creep'?" asked Aisha.
"Fair enough, fair enough." said Dave. "Now, do you think I
could trouble you for a ride? I'll even pay you."
"Pay me? How much?" asked Aisha.
"I don't have any money, actually." said Dave. "But I'd be
more than happy to return the favor...In a steamier, more erotic
way."
"...Shopping?" wondered Aisha.
"Um, yeah. Sure." said Dave. "How about it?"
"Sure, climb in." said Aisha.
"Wait, I don't think there's enough room in here." said Jim,
looking around.
"No no, I'm getting out here." said Fred, looking at a
building just out the window. He got out of the car and shut the door
behind him. "Big
Tim's Modeling Studio."
"Modeling Studio?" asked Gene.
"Yeah, I'm the cover feature of next month's Playgirl! Look
for me!" said Fred happily.
"Eh. Yeah. Well, later Fred." said Gene, slightly rattled. He
turned to Dave. "Get in. Now. Before he asks-"
"Hey, that reminds me! How'd you like to pose with me, Gene?
It's a great, easy way to earn money!" said Fred.
"No, no thanks." said Gene.
"Come on, we don't have to jump into the hardcore buttsex
right away! We can ease into it, ya know?" coaxed Fred.
Gene pulled Dave into the car. "Aisha! Drive! DRIVE!"
"But I'm not done being turned on by your conversation yet."
said Aisha. "Fred, use a 'piston-thrusting' metaphor."
"Okay!" said Fred. "Anyways Gene, you'd have a blast! Just
imagine it...Being enveloped by our combined masculinity and driven
into a state
of madness from our passionate lust! The piston thrusting of our
poles, reaming each other's forbidden nooks and crannies as-"
"Man, this is getting good. You guys don't mind if I touch
myself, do ya?" asked Aisha.
"WILL YOU SHUT UP AND DRIVE, YOU CRAZY FREAK?" yelled Gene.
"Sure." said Aisha. She turned to Fred. "Tell me more later.
Here's my email adress." She handed her email adress to Fred on a
little
business card that read: GOT YAOI? SEND IT TO AISHA!
"SHUT UP! SHUT! UP!" yelled Gene.
"Fine, fine." said Aisha, driving off.
..............
Iraga sighed and stepped into her room. She sat down in a
chair and pulled the flyer for the latest Annual Strongest Woman In
The
Universe competition out of her pocket. She read over it for the 40th
time. She glanced over the final words: $300,000 ENTRANCE FEE. She
took her wallet off her nightstand and quickly counted through her
money.
"300,000." she said to the empty room. "I'm not gonna have
enough to get both..."
She set the wallet aside and pulled a small flyer out of her
dresser drawer. The heading on the paper read: 'LOOK LIKE BUTT? NEW
HIGH
TECH SURGERY CAN MAKE YOU LOOK AND FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS, FOR
ONLY A THIRD OF THAT AMOUNT!'
"Sweet deal." said Iraga, reading over the details on the
flyer and finally coming to a stop on the price: $300,000. She held a
flyer in each
hand and glanced back and forth between the two of them. "Which one?
Which means more to me?"
...............
"Ugh. Can you guys hold the makeout sessions for now?" asked Harry.
"Oh, so you're going to persecute our love too huh?" asked Horus.
"No, I'm just really offended by public displays of
affection. Please stop." said Harry.
"Fine then. Love hater." said Hilda, breaking her passionate
kiss with Horus.
"...Which leaves the universe to decide: Just what defines
the Ocelot and the Panda? Is it speed? Is it intelligence? Or is it
just plain old
loveableness? More on this story as it develops." said a news
reporter on TV. "Back to you, Roy."
"Damn pandas. Just what is it people like so much about them?
And what's with their black parts? What the hell is their problem?"
said
Ron angrily, crushing the remote control in his fist. Ron always got
upset when watching the news, especially with socially and
politically
chraged stories such as this one.
"In related news, women all over the universe are showing
interest in the Annual Strongest Woman In The Universe competition
once
again." said Anchorman Roy. "The fine folks running the competition
have recieved over 1,000,000 entry forms, making this already the
largest participation record in the competitions history."
"Hey Hilda, think you'll be entering that thingy?" asked Melfina.
"Nah, that's not my thing." said Hilda. "YOU should enter,
Melfina my love!"
"But I'm not cool at all!" said Melfina. "And why did you
just call me 'Melfina my love'?"
"Did I now? Huh. Weird. Must've been a freudian slip." said Hilda.
"Meaning that subconciously you want to be Melfina's lover?"
asked Harry.
"That's what I'm saying, yes." said Hilda. "Melfina's lover.
That's the future for me!"
"...Hilda, It's growing increasingly uncomfortable to be
anywhere near you." said Ron.
.........
"Ah, so you guys aren't going any further?" asked Dave,
getting out of the car.
"Nope, this is where we live." said Aisha, locking the car up
and pointing to the Moldy Helicopters Apartment building.
"Finally home!" said Jim happily.
"I'll drive you to wherever it is you're headed tomorrow
morning." said Gene, as they all began ascending the steps. "You can
stay with us
tonight though."
"Cool! Thanks man!" said Dave, high fiving Gene. Gene began
unlocking the door.
"Weird...the lights are on." said Aisha, noticing the light
streaming out from behind the curtain-covered windows.
"Jim, you asshole. I told you to shut the lights off before
we left." said Gene, struggling with the lock.
"I did! I even double checked!" said Jim.
"Ah well, it's water under the bridge now." said Gene
happily, opening the door. "Ahhh, home sweet ho-" Everyone stared at
the sight in the
room.
"Oh my god!" yelled Aisha, covering her eyes.
"Woohoo!" said Gene, snapping a picture.
"Holy shit!" yelled Suzuka, jumping off the bed and standing
up. "Put some clothes on! Put some clothes on!"
"Wh-what the hell? Who are those guys?" asked Hitoriga shakily.
"My roomates!" said Suzuka frantically. "Gah! You guys, it's
not what it looks like!"
"Oh, so you weren't just having deep and lusty sex with
mister sackhead here?" asked Jim.
"No. I wasn't." said Suzuka.
"Yes you were! It was great!" said Hitoriga.
"Yes! You lie!" said Jim, pointing at her.
"Suzuka, how COULD you cheat on me?" asked Dave. "How? HOW?"
"I... I didn't mean to-" said Suzuka.
"Can you guys leave for a few a little while so me and Suzu
can finish up?" asked Hitoriga. "Sure, SHE had the time for LOADS of
orgasms,
but I got nothing!"
"Shut the hell up!" said Suzuka. "They do not need to know that!"
"Yes we do!" said Gene.
TO BE CONTICUDE!
----------------
Well well well. What a strange and hopefully unexpected
ending, eh? I think this is one of the best chapters I've written
yet. I had tons o' fun
with it.
Jet: Figures you would derive pleasure from something so
awful! This was the worst one yet!
You know what Jet? YOU can leave!
Jet: You're retarded! exits room in a huff
Haha. What an ass. Don't worry folks, he'll be back in the
saddle next week no problemo. Or will he? FIND OUT NEXT TIME! SAME
PARTYIN' TIME, SAME PARTYIN' CHANNEL! Or maybe not the same time.