Hey guys, what's the corncake? Well, here it is. The chapter I've wanted to do since I started this thing, the Strongest Woman In The Universe chapter. It's my favorite episode of Outlaw Star, and while this chapter isn't my favorite in the series, I sure had fun writing it. Enjoy the chap, folks.
Also, apparently hates dots now. First it was the asterisks, and now they're taking away my precious dots. What's next? So now, instead of having dots separating each scene, you have HUGE OBNOXIOUS "MEANWHILE" things. Don't blame me, it's not my fault.
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"She's a maniac! MANIAC ON THE FLOOOOR!" hummed Jukei, as he, Leilong, and Tobeigera waited outside the Annual Strongest Woman In The Universe Competition Megadome thing on Heiphon.
"Oh, I suspect you think you're the EXPERT on bad 80s songs!" said Leilong. "Let's see you out-80s this one!" He started belting out Spandau Ballet's 'Gold', followed by a marathon of REO Speedwagon and Mr. Big tunes.
"That was...painful. I concede defeat." said Jukei. "I didn't know the 80s could cause such...sorrow."
"Indeed they can. Just the thought of the 80s sends many strong and powerful men into convulsions." said Leilong. "You haven't even heard the worst of it. I didn't even TOUCH on Mister Mister and Night Ranger!"
"I'll take your word for it." said Jukei. He sighed and looked at the large looming building behind them. "Why isn't there a Strongest Men In The Universe Competition?"
"Because no one cares about guys fighting." said Leilong. "The Strongest Women In The Universe thingy is as close to catfighting as most men will ever witness, and therein lies it's popularity."
"Makes sense to me." said Jukei. "So all 3 of the girls are entering this year?"
"Well, Iraga isn't there, but it's pretty much a given that she's going to give it another go again." Leilong sighed. "It's not like she has anything else going for her, the poor malformed monstrosity."
"Yeah, I indeed feel pity for her." said Jukei.
"Okay, I've got a brand new cool joke for you guys." said Tobeigera. "I spent all night thinking of this."
"No. Be quiet." said Leilong.
"Come on, it's really something special!" said Tobeigera. "I'm sure you'll enjoy it! How do billboards talk?"
"I dunno, how DO billboards talk?" asked Jukei.
"Retard, don't encourage him!" said Leilong.
"SIGN LANGUAGE!" yelled Tobeigera. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
".....I'm going to kill you while you sleep tonight." said Leilong.
"C'mon, I didn't think that one was too bad." said Jukei with a chuckle.
"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?!" yelled Leilong, enraged.
Hazanko exited the building and walked over to them. "Hey dudes. What's poppin?" he asked.
"Uh, not a lot." said Leilong. "So where are the girls?"
"They're inside getting their physicals." said Hazanko. Leilong opened his mouth to say something, but Hazanko said: "And before you ask, Yes, I put a hidden camera in the exam room." Leilong closed his mouth and looked pleased.
"So what do you think their chances are of succeeding and winning the title?" asked Jukei.
"Pretty slim." said Hazanko, making a zero with his thumb and pointer finger. "It's really all Iraga. I trust that she'll be able to WIN THE TITLE FOR THE GLORIOUS 108 SUNS!"
"Hope you're right." said Tobeigera. "Where is that old Iraga, anyway?"
"Dunno, she left as soon as we landed here." said Hazanko. "Said she had some business to attend to, whatever that means."
"I BET SHE'S A DRUG DEALER!" yelled Jukei at the top of his lungs.
"...Why did you yell that?" asked Hazanko, looking around and seeing all the people on the streets staring at them.
"I thought it would add to the impact of the moment." said Jukei meekly.
MEANWHILE!
"Ah, just smell that sweet air." said Hilda, taking a deep breath. "No space system like Heiphon for sort of not-polluted air, that's for sure!"
"I liked Blue Heaven's atmosphere more." complained Harry. Hilda, Harry, Ron, and Melfina were walking along the busy streets of Heiphon, not really sure what they were doing.
"Shut up Harry, it's not scientifically possible for Blue Heaven to have an atmosphere. Being an asteroid, it doesn't have nearly the gravitational pull to hold down a thin layer of oxygen, much less an entire city." said Ron.
"...So why does it have oxygen on it? And cities?" asked Harry.
"It's either some kind of artificial gravity, or just bad writing." said Ron. "But nevertheless, what the heck are we doing walking around, Hilda? Aren't you and Horus supposed to be getting (shudder) married?"
"Don't think I didn't notice that shudder." said Hilda. "And yes, but first I need to find a nice pretty bridal gown. With lots of lace."
"Uh huh. And a spaceship sized tux?" asked Melfina.
"...Yeah, I guess so." said Hilda. "Where do you think I could find something like that?"
Melfina decided not to answer the question, and instead opted to read a flyer posted on a wall nearby. "Wow Hilda, the Strongest Woman In The Universe competition takes place tomorrow! If you want to enter you'd better do it now."
"Good thing I don't wanna enter." said Hilda.
"Come on, you HAVE to!" whined Melfina, hugging Hilda really tightly. "PLEEEEASE! PLEASE!"
"Well, how could I say no to such a pretty face?" said Hilda seductively. "Shall I go sign up now?"
"Yay!" said Melfina, hopping up and down.
"I only will if you go out to dinner with me!" said Hilda.
"'Kay!" said Melfina quickly, not really comprehending the question until after she answered. "Wait, no. No."
"Too late! Dinner with Melfina for me!" said Hilda, pumping a fist in the air in triumph.
"Isn't Horus going to be mad if he finds out you're taking Melfina to dinner?" asked Harry.
"Nah, he'll be ecstatic!" said Hilda. "We've been looking for a threesome partner for quite some time now!"
Everyone stared at her. "Ew." said Melfina.
"Well, here we are!" said Hilda happily, coming to a stop in front of the huge Strongest Woman In The Universe Competition Megadome. "Be back in a few minutes!"
"Who are you talking to? We're coming in with you." said Ron.
"Oh, right." said Hilda. They entered the front doors and walked up to the registration desk.
"Name?" asked the woman.
"Hilda, Hot Ice." said Hilda.
"Weight?" she asked, jotting down stuff on a form.
"I don't know." said Hilda.
"Okay then. You're in. Welcome to the Strongest Woman In The Universe Competition." the woman said robotically, shaking her hand without taking her eyes off the form she was writing out. "Here's your hat." She handed Hilda a hat that said 'I'M A HAT! WOOHOO FOR COMPETITIONS!' on it.
"Nifty." said Hilda, putting her hat on and turning it to the side so it looked all gangsta. She turned to Ron and flashed a complicated hand symbol. "Yo." She turned to Harry and Melfina and did the same to each of them.
"Hilda, I keep thinking there's no way I could possibly hate you more, but you keep surprising me." said Ron.
MEANWHILE; THIS IS GETTING OBNOXIOUS
"Ugh, I can't believe the nerve of you, Suzuka." said Gene.
"Having sex with mister sackhead! And why'd you have to go and use MY bed! I bet now all my sheets are soaked through with your essence! Where do you get the nerve to-" He paused and thought about what he was saying. "Actually, that's a pretty good thing. Jim, my bedsheets are never to be washed again."
"Duly noted." said Jim.
"Look, I said I was sorry." said Suzuka. "Besides, it's not like I'd object if you had some GIRL over while I wasn't here."
"That's different." said Aisha. "GENE isn't already in a relationship with DAVE THE SUNGLASSES GUY, unlike some people I know! Wow, that gave me a neat idea for a yaoi fanfic!" She left the room.
"I was going to let Dave stay here, but he ran off." said Gene. "He's probably all alone somewhere now, and it's all your fault!"
"Can I leave now?" asked Hitoriga.
"What? I thought you were already gone!" said Gene. "Get outta here, homewrecker!" He dropkicked Hitoriga out the window.
The doorbell rang. "I'll get it." said Gene calmly, walking over to the door.
"I'LL GET IT I'LL GET IT I'LL GET IT!" yelled Suzuka, running over and opening it.
"Hey there. I'm the landlord." said the landlord, a tall fat guy with a handlebar moustache, standing in front of them. "You guys are gone."
"What?" asked Gene, appearing behind Suzuka.
"You're gone. You're out of here. That's the last time I'm going to let you guys miss your rent payment." said the landlord.
"Wait, we're supposed to be paying RENT for this place?" asked Suzuka.
"It's news to me." shrugged Gene.
"And it's not just the rent! Just about every night I get complaints from the other tenants about the noise! Especially last night! What were you guys doing, tornado imitations?" He chuckled at his lame joke.
"No, just WILD WILD sex." said Suzuka.
"Ah. Eh. I see." said the landlord. "Well, uh. Be packed by noon so you can clear out of here in time for the rush."
"What rush?" asked Gene.
"There's going to be a lot of people in townon their way to theStrongest Woman In The Universe competition." explained the landlord.
"I need as many free rooms as possi-" but then a hole punched through the roof and Aisha fell out, flattening Gene. She picked up the landlord by the collar and started shaking him.
"WHERE! WHERE DO I SIGN UP?" yelled Aisha.
"D-Down at the Megadome on Heiphon! Y-you'd better hurry, the thing starts tomorr-" But before he could finish Aisha tossed him aside and tore down the road towards the Megadome.
"Ah, I can see she's really excited by this." sighed Suzuka.
Aisha ran back at top speed. "SUZU! Aren't you coming?"
"No, I don't have any interest in this competitio-" started Suzuka.
"WELL THEN WE'D BETTER HURRY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST STANDING AROUND WHEN WE SHOULD BE RUNNING?!" yelled Aisha, running off again but dragging Suzuka behind her. Then she ran back for a second time, looking disappointed.
"We're on Blue Heaven, aren't we?"
"Yep." said Jim.
"Not Heiphon." said Aisha.
"Nope." said Jim.
"WE'VE GOTTA CHANGE THAT!" yelled Aisha. "WHERE'S OUR SHIP, I'M GONNA FIX IT!"
"No need for that, I'll handle your transportation." said a familiar voice behind them.
Aisha whirled around. "Hey, it's you! Long time no see!"
MEANWHILE
"What's on TV now?" asked Leilong, brushing some trash off the couch so he could sit down next to Jukei, who had the TV remote shoved in the mouth slot of his mask.
"Music videos." said Jukei, clicking through the channels. "That's all that's ever on nowadays. And football."
"Time for a video?" asked Leilong.
"Definitely." said Jukei. "I took the time to personally select today's bit of viewing pleasure." He popped a cassette into the VCR and immediately Hamushi's showering image filled the screen.
"Ah, from the Goodly's Mouisturizer era." commented Leilong. "Very nice."
"You know, we're huge losers aren't we?" said Jukei. "Here we are, ogling some stupid video when we could be on dates and stuff."
"Nah, it's not as bad as you make it out to be." said Leilong. "Besides, it's not as though we're cool enough to go on dates anyway. I mean, just look at us. And Hitoriga. He has a sack on his head. We're lightyears ahead of that guy in babeatude, but we're still better off not trying."
Suddenly the phone rang. "Hello?" asked Leilong.
"Pick up the phone first." said Jukei.
"Oh. Oh yeah." said Leilong, picking up the phone. "Hello?"
"DUDES! DUDES! DUDES!" yelled Hitoriga.
"Hitoriga? Is that really you?" asked Leilong. "Where the hell are you, dude? We're on Heiphon!"
"DUDE! I JUST DID TWILIGHT SUZUKA! THE HOTTEST MEGABABE ASSASSIN CHICK IN THE UNIVERSE!" yelled Hitoriga. "THIS IS SO COOL! I HAVE TO BE THE LUCKIEST GUY IN THE UNIVERSE! NOW I KNOW THAT EVEN SACKHEADS LIKE ME CAN BE SUCCESSFUL WITH THE LADIES!" Leilong stared at the reciever.
"Hello? Leilong? You there?" asked Hitoriga.
Leilong hung up. "Did you hear that?" he asked.
"Yeah." said Jukei.
"I'll assist in your suicide if you assist mine." said Leilong.
"Sounds good." said Jukei. But then, the doorbell rang.
"What's the point of answering?" sighed Leilong. "It's probably some HUGELY hot girl who's totally out of our league." he said sadly.
Jukei hopped over and opened the door with his teeth. Standing there was a gorgeous woman, thin with long red hair, beautiful curves and whatnot. She was insanely hot.
"Hi there!" she said happily.
"What are you doing here, gorgeous and out-of-our-league girl?" asked Jukei. "This is a top secret spaceship of Tao Pirates Inc. and you're not allowed to be here."
"Yeah I am. I'm a Tao Pirate." said the gorgeous woman.
"You are not! You're a lovely and innocent superbabe who has sprung from my dreams and into reality, and now taunts me with your existence!" said Jukei.
"Yeah, but I'm also a Tao pirate." she said. "It's me. Iraga."
"What. No. You aren't." said Leilong.
"Yeah I am." said Iraga.
"Did you die and get your soul transplanted into a nubile young woman?" asked Jukei.
"No, I have been plastic surgeried." said Iraga. "My muscles have been reduced, my face has been shaped, my jawline sanded down, my curves enlarged, my boobs made noticeably bigger. I'm the perfect, most gorgeous woman alive now."
"I don't argue that...but...You just can't be. You've gone from looking like Ygor from the Frankenstien movies to looking like Naru from Love Hina. That kind of change is impossible." said Jukei.
"Oh, it's very possible." said Iraga. "They even removed part of my spine to make me shorter!"
"Where did you get the cash for that kind of intense surgery?" asked Leilong.
"I emptied my Strongest Woman In The Universe fund." she said simply. "I think it was a MUCH better value."
"Yesss..." said Jukei, checking out her ass. He shook his head rapidly. "Wait! Does that mean you're not entering!?"
"Yeah, I suppose it does!" she giggled. "Besides, it's not like I'd do very good in the competition now anyway!" she laughed to herself. "I doubt this new body can even benchpress 1000 pounds!"
"...You're not entering." said Hazanko, entering the room.
"That's right, boss! Not entering!" said Iraga.
"But I already sent in registration slips for you three! What am I gonna do?" asked Hazanko.
"Obviously, we need a replacement girl." said Leilong. "But who?"
"Guys, where do we keep the leg-hair trimmer?" asked Tobeigera, entering the room. "I'm getting fuzzy!" He stopped. "Why's everyone looking at me?"
MEANWHILE
"Long time no see indeed, Party Ship crew." said Ninja Monkey Ya Hoo Hah.
"Dude, how's it going?" asked Suzuka. "Let's do the handshake! Remember the handshake?"
"How could I forget?" asked Ninja Monkey, and they began doing some insanely scary hand thing that was super complex. "Ah, that was great. But I'm not here for mere pleasantries, I'm here on business."
"What kind of business?" asked Gene.
"I see you're in need of a ship." he said. "Well, I'll fly you to Heiphon, on the condition that Aisha and Suzuka enter the competition."
"That's it? Pretty neat." said Gene. "We'll do it."
"Hang on, it get's better." he said. "If you win, then I get all the winnings."
"Wait, that sucks. Forget you." said Gene.
"Too bad, you already said you'd do it." said Ninja Monkey. He led them outside. "Now climb aboard, we're off to Heiphon!" They got on board Ninja Monkey's spaceship (which was shaped like a giant Bumblebee), and took off.
"So, how's the Arby's Mitten doing?" asked Aisha.
"Still making shitty commercials, still saving the universe." said Ninja Monkey, in a same-old same-old kind of way. "I don't see how someone can do so much good for the universe....and yet cause so much pain."
"We may never know the true feelings of someone so great as the Arby's Mitten." said Aisha solemnly.
"It's so true." said Ninja Monkey.
.............THE NEXT DAY
The sun was shining, the mold was growing underneath the bleachers, and the terrorist-fighting helicopters were flying overhead. It was a perfect day for a glorified catfighting fest, no matter WHAT people wanted to call it. The ladies were backstage in the competition's locker room and conversing about stuff. And of course, getting naked. As if I would forget that.
"Ooooh, who does your hair?" giggled Hamushi.
"Vegeta." said Valeria.
"Is that like Supercuts?" wondered Hamushi.
"Valeria? Is that really you?" asked Suzuka, walking over to her. "We met once."
"We have?" asked Valeria, boredly looking at Suzuka.
"Yeah! Can you still do that KUNG FU like you used to?" asked Suzuka.
"Um. I never knew kung fu." said Valeria.
"I must be thinking of someone else then!" said Suzuka, insanely happily about it for no real reason.
"Ah, excuse me ma'am, but are you having trouble with your costume?" asked some young woman.
"N-no!" stuttered Ms. Tobeigeretta, standing up really quickly and taking his hands off the heels he was clumsily trying to squeeze into. "I-I'm fine!"
"Are you sure?" asked the woman with a giggle. "I could adjust your bra if you asked nicely enough."
"Um." said Ms. Tobeigeretta. "No, no I'm fine."
"Aw, c'mon! You know you want it!" said the woman.
"I do not!" said Ms. Tobeigeretta.
"Well then...Can we make out after the competition?" asked the woman.
"AAAAH! AAAH!" yelled Ms. Tobeigeretta, hitting her with his purse and running away.
"Owww..." said the woman, rubbing their head. She looked excited and stood up. "Ms. Aisha, you're done putting on your sexy skintight costume? Want me feel and touch every inch of it, checking for wrinkles?"
"God dammit, Susan. Be quiet. Speak no more." said Aisha.
"Hmmm... I know! I'll lick every inch of it, my tongue would be too busy to say anything!" said Susan excitedly, approaching Aisha.
"Susan, you're grossing us out." said Suzuka. "We've had just about enough of you."
"Aw, Suzu! You look so cute when you get angry!" giggled Susan, throwing her arms around Suzuka. "Let's make out."
"AAAAH! GET HER OFF! GET HER OFF!" yelled Suzuka, trying to pry Susan off as she began taking off Suzuka's clothes.
"Susan, get off Suzuka right now!" demanded Hilda, grabbing Susan from behind and trying to pull her off.
"Getting rough, eh Hilda?" said Susan seductively. "You know I like that!"
"That does it. Susan, you're not my friend anymore." said Aisha.
"Mine either." said Suzuka.
"Nooooo!" cried Susan, falling to the ground and crying.
MEANWHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILE
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome one and all to the Annual Strongest Woman In The Universe Competition!" said Gene, who they hired to do the announcing for the competition. "These ladies are going to fight and beat the hell out of each other, and if you look closely you might see some gropeage! Ain't that right, Suzuka?" Suzuka through her shoe at the announcers box, but came up short and hit a guy in the audience. "Let's meet our babealicious competitors! First up, we have Twilight Suzuka, Wanted assassin with a taste for Ctarl boobies!"
Suzuka waved to the policemen whispering to each other and aiming sniper rifles at her.
"Second, we have Aisha, A Ctarl warrior who isn't afraid to wear clothes that show a LOT of cleavage!" Aisha struck a pose. "Then there's Hilda, one-eyed warrior who-WHAT?! HILDA?! How did you...OH HILDA I LOVE YOU!" Everyone in the audience stared quietly at the announcers box.
"Uh, sorry." said Gene. "Anyways, then we have Hamushi! She's kinda hot I guess...Is she bald under her helmet or something? Thatwould be sick."
"Why do people always spread rumors about my helmet?" wondered Hamushi.
"And next, we have Tobeigeretta." said Gene. "I don't care what Jim says, she's insanely hot. Nice, womanly curves. Probably the most totally feminine girl out there."
"W-womanly curves? Feminine?" asked Tobeigeretta worriedly.
"Then there's Hanmyo! She's like 9 or 10 years old, but she has potential for babeatude. And also we have Valeria, utter babe with the lame Dragon Ball Z haircut!"
"Go for it, my sweet!" giggled Duuz from somewhere in the audience.
"And finally we have Susan, who-" said Gene, as Susan began cartwheeling everywhere and hugging random people. "...I don't really know who Susan is. Wow...there's a lot of girls participating in this thing. Look at all the names on this list. Ah well, the rest aren't important! Lets get this thing underway!" The audience let out a huge cheer. There was silence as one lone figure walked out onto the field.
"Wait, wait a second...we have a surprise last minute entries from...Reiko Ando, former reigning champ 4 years running, and back to reclaim the title!"
"I will fulfill my promise to you, Fred my dear!" she said into a microphone.
Somewhere Fred, watching the live coverage on TV said: "GOD DAMMIT."
"Well let's get this thing started! Battle 1: Hanmyo vs. Hilda!" yelled Gene.
"Break a leg, Hilda!" cheered Melfina from beside the wrestling ring.
"Break a leg, Hilda!" hissed Jukei, also beside the ring.
"Alright ladies, lets keep this a clean fight." said the referree, a man who looked suspiciously like Harrison Ford. "No kidney punches, eye gouging, or purple nurples."
"...Sick." said Hilda.
"Yes, exactly." said Not-Quite-Harrison-Ford. "1, 2, 3, SNUGGLE! I mean, fight."
"Wait...does Hanmyo even know how to fight?" asked Leilong.
"It's very possible." said Hazanko.
"HIIIIIYAH!" yelled Hilda, doing some judo kicks.
"Have some of this!" yelled Hanmyo, tripping Hilda and knee dropping her.
"Holy crap!" yelled Ron.
"Ow! Ow!" yelled Hilda, as Hanmyo repeatedly kicked her face.
"You're in a supermarket!" declared Hanmyo, stopping her attacks.
"I am?" asked Hilda.
"Yes! Have a free sample of PAIN!" yelled Hanmyo triumphantly, kicking her in the face again, then picking her up and throwing her out of the ring.
"Hanmyo wins!" declared the referee, raising Hanmyo's hand in the air. He had to bend over to accomplish this because Hanmyo was so small.
"...Holy ass. Maybe we don't need Iraga." said Hazanko.
"That was painful to watch." said Harry.
"That was painful to experience." moaned Hilda. "I...I can't feel my legs!"
"Why not?" asked Ron.
"Oh wait, yes I can." said Hilda. "False alarm."
LATE! ER!
"Battle 8: Susan vs. Reiko." said Gene boredly. "This battle will conclude the first round of the tournament, and then it's break time for me! Yip yip yip!"
"Alright ladies. Clean fight. Harrison Ford. Kidney. Blah blah blah." said the referee. "1, 2, 3, GROPE! Fight. Onetwothree fight."
Susan stepped back. "But I don't wanna grope her! She's gross!"
"I am not! I'm just masculine!" said Reiko.
"Exactly! Keep away from me!" shouted Susan, running around in circles in the ring with Reiko chasing her.
"...This is pathetic." said Jim, from the sidelines.
Suddenly Susan dropped to the ground. Reiko, unable to stop her momentum, tripped over her and fell to the ground. "Haha! You fell for my tripping scheme!" said Susan triumphantly.
"Good job, now kick her!" said Suzuka, on the sidelines.
"What!?" yelped Susan.
"One trip isn't going to take her down! Kick her!" said Suzuka.
"But that's so violent!" said Susan. "I don't want to hurt her!"
"Why did you join this contest again?" asked Suzuka blankly.
"The sweatiness! The girls! The rubbing!" said Susan.
"Oh yeah." said Suzuka.
"Can I rub you, Suzuka?" asked Susan politely.
"Finish your fight, you lunatic!" said Suzuka.
"I...okay." said Susan. She grabbed Reiko's wrist and pulled her out of the ring.
"Susan wins!" declared the fuzzy referree. "I'm not fuzzy."
"Wooo! Yay!" said Susan happily, pulling Suzuka in for a victory kiss.
"AAAH!" yelled Suzuka, slapping her and running away.
KEVIN! I mean, LATER!
"I need coffee." said Gene.
"Back off, this is for STAFF only!" said a guy working for the competition, guarding the coffee machine.
"I am staff!" said Gene. "Kind of. I do the announcing and stuff."
"SURE you do." said the guy.
"I'm serious!" said Gene. He whipped out his caster. "But we don't have no time fo' arguing!" He pulled the trigger and sent a huge evil beam of red light into the guy's soul, tearing him apart from the inside out.
"And in the end, Gene GETS the coffee he so rightly deserves!" said Gene evilly, reveling in the gore and bits of staff member splattered all over the walls. He walked over and fixed himself a cup of coffee. "Yesssss...This coffee is goooood. My lovely coffee. YOU BLEED FOR COFFEE!"
DISTURBING INTERMISSION COMPLETE!
"AND WE'RE BAAAAAACK!" yelled Gene! "We've barely started this competition, and we've already seen some great battles! There are only 8 of these gorgeous, sexually ambiguous women left as we enter round 2, and the excitement eez at de fever pitch!"
"Ambiguous?" said Suzuka, twitching with anger.
"AMBUGATON!" yelled Aisha.
"The remaining girls are as follows: Aisha! Suzuka! Susan! Hanmyo! Tobeigeretta! Hamushi! Valeria! And some other girl!" said Gene, to much applause. "Battle one: Suzuka! Versus! Tobeigeretta!" yelled Gene. "And now, the pump up music!"
"Pump up music?" wondered Suzuka, climbing into the ring with Tobeigeretta. Survivor's classic tune 'Eye Of The Tiger' began playing.
"Oh....no." said Tobeigera.
"DAN! DANDANDAN!" hummed Suzuka, getting pumped up.
"Shitty 80s music...overpowering...." moaned Tobeigera. "Strength...draining."
"Eye of the ti-ger, it's the thrill of the fight!" sang Suzuka, rippling with strength.
"She, she can focus and bend the shittiness to use to her advantage!" said Tobeigera. "Not human! NOT HUMAN!"
"Hiiiiyaaaah!" yelled Suzuka, drawing her sword, her eyes glowing an eerie pump-up induced green.
"Hey! HEY!" yelled the referee, grabbing the sword out of her hands. "You can't use weapons, this is a barehanded fight! Like Tekken!"
"Yoshimitsu has a sword in Tekken." Suzuka pointed out, reaching for her sword.
"Yoshimitsu is a cheap character and you know it." said the ref. "No sword for you."
"Okay, okay." said Suzuka.
"Does that mean I can't use my hand blade things?" asked Tobeigeretta.
"Yeah it does!" said the ref incredulously, snatching them away. "Didn't you guys read the rulebook? Man, I was WONDERING where all those stab wounds on the first round competitors came from!"
"This fight is gonna suck." said Suzuka.
"Ready, set, GO!" yelled ref.
Suzuka's mind raced to remember her training in her ninja clan. There was a lesson that specifically dealed with combat if one is separated from their weapon. Ah yes. Make up complicated names for simple punches to intimidate the opponent into thinking you know what you're doing.
"CRIMSON PHOENIX BLAZING HORIZON SWORDLESS FIST!" yelled Suzuka, running at Tobeigeretta stupidly with her fist raised in the air.
"Eeek! She really knows what she's doing!" said Tobeigeretta. Suzuka punched him. "That didn't really hurt, but hot damn the name was cool!" said Tobeigeretta, falling to the ground.
"Fight back, you fine tuned turd!" said Hazanko, throwing a beer can at Tobeigera's head.
"Ouchbiscuits!" said Tobeigera, standing back up and readying his fists.
"FRANKIE VALLI AND THE FOUR SEASONS KICK!" yelled Suzuka, kicking Tobeigera.
"AGH! That band's awesome! The pain!" moaned Tobeigera.
"...This is seriously the worst fight in this competition's history." said the ref. "Because I, like everyone else forced to watch this, want it to end I declare SUZUKA the winner!"
"Yes! YESSSS!" cheered Suzuka happily, buying a pair of tap shoes from a passing tap shoe vendor, putting them on, and dancing around.
"This is the worst day ever!" moaned Tobeigeretta. "Can I at least have my trusty hand blades back, passed down through the family for generations?"
"What? Oh, those. Yeah, I burned them." said the ref cheerfully.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Tobeigeretta, reaching out to the heavens in anguish.
TATER CIRCLES? OR MEANWHILE? THE TIME FOR DECIDING IS NOOOOOWWWW!
"And Susan finally finishes off Valeria with a very enjoyable looking makeout! Look at that form! Look at that poise!" remarked Gene. "Looks like she just doesn't want this match to end!"
"Alright, get off her now." said the ref.
"Please...just five more minutes." said Susan, coming up for air.
"No. Quit molesting her unconcious body and accept the fact that you won." said the ref.
"Unconcious...Oh my god! Th-that's just like necrophilia!" stuttered Susan. "I can't believe I just did that! I feel so dirty!"
"Yes, so pleas-" started the ref, but he was cut off when Susan began making out with her sort of corpse again. "Oh, sick! Get off her, you lunatic!"
"No! I'm doing this for love!" said Susan. "And a closet necrophilia fetish I've been hiding for years."
"No you aren't!" said Duuz, coming down out of the stands.
"Uh oh." said Jim from nearby.
"OUTTA THE WAY!" yelled Duuz, shoving a ton of people out of his way and giving them concussions. He picked up Susan with one hand, holding her by the top of her head. "What. Are. You. Doing."
"Um, making out with the girly over there." said Susan. "Why, you got a problem, Nemanthus Gregarius breath?"
"Why you little...Wait, what?" asked Duuz.
"Nemanthus Gregarius. It's a prehistoric plant that existed around the same time as the Triceratops, and is believed to be their main source of food-AGH!" explained Susan, whom Duuz quickly began shaking around by her head.
"You're ticking me off!" said Duuz retardedly. "First you make out with my wife, then you insult my awesome Saurianyness! You will pay!"
"Ah, that's your wife eh?" said Susan. "Man, she could do a lot better than you!"
"Do you want to die that badly, Susan?" asked Suzuka with awe.
"Psh. You exaggerate, Suzuka my sweet." said Susan. "UglyDumbassMcWeird here wouldn't lay a finger on me."
"MY LAST NAME ISN'T MCWEIRD!" yelled Duuz with rage, crushing her head like a grapefruit in his hand. A really hard grapefruit. "RRrrrrgh. Aaaargh! What the hell is wrong with your head, it's like rock hard!"
"Yeah, it's pretty tough all right." said Susan happily.
"Since I can't crush your head like a grapefruit, I'll let you go." said Duuz. "But if I ever see you again, well, let's just say your feet had better be as tough as your head is!" He laughed evilly and walked away with Valeria slung over his shoulder.
"I sure showed that guy!" laughed Susan.
"And with that, round two comes to a close!" said Gene. "We will be moving on to round three in a moment, after this brief message from our spo-" someone off set handed him a piece of paper. "Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be skipping round 3 and going straight to the final round because JHeman is a lazy asshole. Repeat. JHeman is a lazy asshole. Let's return to the ring, where Aisha and Suzuka are getting ready to start the championship deciding match!"
"Hey, what happened to me?" demanded Hanmyo.
"Forget you." said Gene.
"This is great!" chuckled Ninja Monkey Yah Hoo Hah from somewhere in the audience. "I didn't think they'd both get to the final round! Now I'm guaranteed a bunch of money!"
"Alright. ONE TWO FIGHT!" yelled the ref, smacking together some coconut shells.
"I never thought...that it would come to this." said Suzuka dramatically.
"That's all lies. You knew perfectly well that bugs were fuzzy. You just never acted on it. And look at poor little Billy, now he has to pay for your mistake." said Aisha.
"I know. I know." said Suzuka shaking her head. "I know the Aegean Sea borders Greece. Just hear me out."
"There's nothing to discuss, Suzuka." said Aisha. "You've hurt me. You've hurt Ben. You've hurt Phil and Dan and Ted and Lilian and everyone else in the choir. And yet...I still can't bring myself to hurt you. I regret being so weak, but it is how I feel."
"This is really dramatic." commented Gene.
"Aisha...What do you mean?" asked Suzuka.
"I mean, I'm throwing the competition. No matter how much you've hurt me and my friends, I could never raise a hand to harm you. I'm sorry." said Aisha.
"HIIIYAAAH!" yelled Hanmyo and Susan, jumping into the ring. "Me and Susan here are going to beat you both and take the title for ourselves!"
"Oh my god!" said Gene. "How surprising and totally not scripted! Wrestling isn't fake, I swear!"
"Quiet you, this isn't scripted!" said Susan. "We're not gonna sit back and just get written off like that due to JHeman's laziness, that's pathetic! We're tag teaming you both, and there's nothing you can do about it!"
"Uh oh." said Ninja Monkey.
"So what do we do?" asked Suzuka.
"WE TAKE THEM DOWN, LIKE ANY OTHER ROMANTIC COUPLE WOULD!" yelled Aisha.
"What? No." said Suzuka.
"I'm just going along with the dramatic moment, deal with it." said Aisha. And they began to fight. It was the coolest and awesomest battle of all time. There was kicking, punching, and even a bit of lesbianing (Suzuka grabbed Aisha's ass when she thought no one was looking. She was curious. Jet got it on tape though). When the dust settled, only two remained...and they were....
TO BE CONTINUED! DAH DAH DAH DAH!
Just kidding, it was actually Suzuka and Aisha.
"WOOOOOOOT!" yelled Ninja Monkey, jumping up in the air and clicking his heels together.
THE NEXT DAY. SUNNY. PARTLY CLOUDY. WITH A CHANCE OF APPLEBICUITS....
"So there you go, Ninja Monkey." said Suzuka, handing him their 1,000,000 dollar prize for winning. It was the day after the victory, and a day after the media circus and award ceremonies. They had to change a lot of rules to let two women win. "All our hard earned cash. I hope you're damn proud of yourself."
"Oh, I am." said Ninja Monkey. He handed them half the money. "It's only fair that you get this. That ought to be enough to pay for your ship's repairs with a good sum left over. Spend it wisely."
"But what are you gonna use your money for?" asked Gene.
"This will go into funding my neverending quest to end Kick Pow Smack Poof's reign of tyranny." said Ninja Monkey.
"Him? He's back?" asked Aisha.
"Yes, he's stirring up quite a bit of trouble all over the universe. Me and the mitten have a plan though to stop him once and for all." said Ninja Monkey. He indicated his bag of cash. "And this should just about cover it. Thank you all. I'll take you back to Blue Heaven now to get started on your repairs."
WHILEMEAN
"Hello? Hello? WHERE AM I? WHERE AM IIIIIIII?!" moaned Hitoriga, lost and alone in the streets of Blue Heaven, with all of his friends and team lightyears and lightyears away.
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AND IT'S OVER! You may or may not have noticed that the format troubles I've been having with this fic are finally pretty much fixed. Thank you all for your patience in this matter. Hopefully it's all behind us now, righty? Hopefully the meanwhiles won't get too annoying. Until next time, readers, bleeders, and frequent breeders...
Jet: That was really stupid. Seriously. You should be ashamed of yourself. "Bleeders." What the fuck is up with that?
Be quiet. You are SO not part of it.
Jet: Part of what? Your dumb thing?! LOLOLOL!
I hate you so much. Anyway pals, see ya next time!