DISCLAIMER: I do not own Peacemaker Kurogane, and intend this work only as a piece of fanfiction. In addition, I only mean the utmost respect to the men of the Shinsengumi, and hope they will forgive me for my fictional account of their story.

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A Samurai's Lullaby: Prelude

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There are some things a man can just not get enough of in his lifetime. I suppose it depends, from man to man, what those things might be. It might be a woman, or a dozen of them. You might not get enough sake. Maybe you wanted a few more lazy afternoons on the engawa, listening to the cicadas. You could want for more respect or perhaps to have traveled more. Some things, you just can't get enough of them.

And I...

I, too, have something. I just can't get enough. But, that is my secret. That is a secret for me to keep. Even this paper shall not know. Because a secret whispered loses strength. A secret written loses faith.

It's too dark to the see now, but I will continue to write. Why does a man need to see what he is writing, when it matters not to have it read? If I can just make it through tonight...

Sleeping is too painful. Well, I suppose that is incorrect to say. It would be blissful to sleep, but my nights are filled with sweat and fever. I don't like laying down, because the sickness in my chest shifts, and I must take quick, shallow breaths to fight the pain. Besides, once I'm down, it takes too long to sit up again. A samurai must be ready to spring into action at the slightest inkling of danger. I feel wrong if... Yes, I just feel wrong.

I've crumpled my futon, and put it between the wall and myself, so that I might lean against it as I write. There is some small amount of moonlight leaking into the open shoji, and it illuminates my left foot, causing it to seem disconnected from the rest of me. A pale, bony foot, severed from the body hidden in the shadows. How many ownerless limbs have I seen in my twenty-five years? Yes. I know what a dead arm or a leg might look like.

I've been trying to keep myself moving. In the daytime, I walk the grounds of this place. I should not like to become one of those invalids whose feet begin to rot. Besides the fact that a man simply does not smell good when he is rotting, I intend to greet my next visitors on two feet, and not laying about with blankets covering me. When Hijikata-san and Kondou-san come to tell me the Shinsengumi was victorious, I shall be standing. Yes. I shall definitely be standing.

Perhaps I will greet them in the garden. It is spring now, and even though the last cherry blossoms have already fallen, we have some lovely camellia bushes. Red ones and white ones, both. Red ones mean 'unpretending excellence'. And I do think that is quite appropriate for such an announcement, don't you? It is very close to the heart of the concept of 'makoto'. I think Kondou-san will get it, even if Hijikata-san does not. It will be a lovely scene. Perhaps Toshi will even read some of his poetry. I hope the camellias aren't offended.

It's too dark to see the paper, but it doesn't matter. It never mattered to have our story told. Maybe some people think we did it for glory, to be remembered by history. Brash and brave men often do things so that they might have their names hailed by others. But, we did not. I write now because the past is my constant companion. But, if you think I regret my life, you are wrong.

Regret would only besmirch the names of our leaders, of my men, and the many spirited warriors I fought and killed.

I smile in the darkness, and wiggle my bony toes.

Not dead yet.

I can make it through tonight.

I can make it through to tomorrow, and perhaps I will greet my visitors in the garden. I am sure they will come tomorrow.

I can make it.

I can, and I will.

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In Our Next Chapter: Souji as a young boy in Edo.

Author's Note: I intend this story as a PMK fanfiction, and will portray characters as they are in PMK to the best of my ability. However, I will also be adding some elements from other series and movies, such as 'Shinsengumi NHK' and 'Shinsengumi Keppuroku', along with other manga, anime, and movies. However, hopefully they should sew together fairly seamlessly, and not prove distracting to PMK fans. I'd also like to add some historical elements, but would like to reiterate that this is a work of -fiction-, so I reserve the right to fudge history in favor of story. I hope I do not offend in doing so.