This chapter took me forever to write, and I'm sorry. You're probably getting so sick of hearing apologize for myself about this. Anyway, read on my chum. Oh, and I realize it's not Jimmy Page's birthday anymore (January 9th), but when I started this chapter it was. Haha, I'm slow.
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"If you wanna know, if you love him so, it's in his kiiiiiss." sang Suzuka.
"That's where it is!" chimed Jim.
"Alright, that's enough of that nonsense." said Gene. "Get it together everyone. Pirates could jump out of the universe and kill us at any minute."
"You're such a joystabber." said Suzuka. "We're in a perfectly safe portion of the universe, with no chance of pirate attackys."
"We can't take any chances, not with our totally worthless crewmember who doesn't help us at all locked in the bathroom." said Gene.
"What about Gilliam? He's been acting up ever since we took off from Blue Heaven!" said Jim.
"I said I was sorry about the whole 'Kidnapping Jim And Trying To Toss Him Out The Airlock' thing." said Gilliam grumpily.
"What about when you fed us false information about pirates, then while we were distracted strapped bombs to some of your Gilliam bots and sent them into the cockpit?" asked Gene.
"Yeah, if Aisha hadn't skipped lunch I don't know what we would have done!" said Suzuka.
"How'd she break down the bathroom door anyway?" wondered Jim.
"She didn't. I let her out, hoping she'd destroy you." said Gilliam.
"That does it." said Suzuka. "Gene, Gilliam is acting particularly mutinous today. I say we abandon ship before JHeman traps us in some kind of lame 2001: A Space Odyssey spoof."
"Gene, I regret to inform you that there is a failure of the Party Ship's parabolic antenna." said Gilliam.
"Really? What for?" asked Gene.
"It can only be attributed to human error." said Gilliam simply.
"Oh dear god...we're too late." said Suzuka, horrified.
MEANWHILE
"Sir, please fasten your seatbelt." said a flight attendant. "We're going to be passing through a bit of turbulence soon."
"Hang on." said Hitoriga. "Just what the hell is turbulence?"
"Um...I guess it's kind of a weird air pattern or something that makes the plane fly crazy." said the flight attendant.
"No, I want a real definition." said Hitoriga. He stood up. "Seriously, does anyone on this plane even know what turbulence IS! For all we know, they could be making the whole thing up. Also, we're in deep space! There's no air in deep space! How is this supposed 'turbulence' even possible!"
The flight attendant stared at him, then whispered something into another flight attendant's ear. She turned and said to him: "Sir, you're going to have to come with us."
The two flight attendants tore him out of his seat and dragged him down the aisle and into the captain's cabin. They harshly tossed him down on the floor in front of the captain.
"Well, what do we have here?" asked the captain evilly.
"He knows about the turbulence, sir." said one of the flight attendants. "He grows suspicious."
"What? I don't know anything about the turbulence!" said Hitoriga, terrified. "I was just curious about the scientific probability of an air pattern-"
"Silence!" said the plane's captain. "The turbulence is not to be questioned. The turbulence is to be accepted, to be always considered factual. We cannot have people like you nosing into our business. You must be destroyed, for the sake of an airline scam that has existedfor over 1200 years."
"Airline scam? What are you talking about?" asked Hitoriga.
"Oh. So you really don't know anything about it after all?" said the captain, surprised.
"That's right. So how about letting me go?" asked Hitoriga.
"Forget that. I'm gonna tell you anyway." said the captain. "Turbulence never existed. We just pretend it does so that people fasten their seatbelts. The scam is that every time a passenger on an airline buckles their seatbelt, the headphones given for the in-flight movie start playing a subliminal message for the person that reads: 'Buy Pepsi'. That's all there is to it. We've been running this scam since airlines were first invented, and we won't let you stop us now."
"I was covering my ears. Can I leave now?" asked Hitoriga.
"Not with how much you've seen, and how much you now know." said the captain. "Flight attendants, toss him out the airlock."
"Noooooo!" sobbed Hitoriga. "I'm too young to die! There's so much left I need to do! I never learned how to moonwalk! I never went to college! I've never even had sex! Wait...yes I have. Heh heh."
"Say goodnight." said the captain cheesily, as the flight attendants prepared to open the airlock door. There was a large crunch, which sent everyone standing to the floor.
"What the hell was that?" asked the captain.
"Asteroids!" screamed a flight attendant as a bunch of asteroids bombarded the ship.
"What...the hell? Asteroids don't know how to bombard anything." said Hitoriga stupidly as wave after wave of asteroids pummeled the ship.
"Situation normal captain! Spiraling out of control!" screeched the plane's computer. "Activating deflector shields!"
"Override! Override!" panicked the captain as the bridge was rocked by another asteroid blast.
"Affirmative. Deflector shields not activated." said the computer calmly.
"Override the deflector shields? Are you freaking insane!" yelled Hitoriga, kicking the captain.
"I was nervous!" stuttered the captain.
"Let's not get violent now!" yelled a flight attendant, slapping Hitoriga. "WARNING: SHIP EXPLODING. PLEASE STAND CLEAR OF THE SHIP WHILE THE EXPLODING SEQUENCE IS IN PROGRESS. THANK YOU." said the ship's computer.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Hitoriga, rife with cliche as he was engulfed in flame.
MEANWHILE
"Urgh...stupid Sackhead." mumbled Dave, walking through the streets of Blue Heaven. "Stupid Suzuka...Stupid cats stealing my lottery tickets...God damn those cats." He stumbled around for a while, bumping into trash cans and parked cars ("Stupid car alarms...yelling at me...Beep beep beep...") until he got to a house. He climbed up the steps and knocked on the front door.
"YES! PIZZA'S HERE!" yelled a familiar looking Ctarl guy, opening the door. He stared at Dave, shivering in the cold for a long while. "Wow...so you're a pizza guy now, Dave?"
"I'M NOT A PIZZA GUY!" said Dave angrily. "Let me in already, Reno!"
"Fine, fine." said Reno, stepping aside so Dave could enter the room. "So what's the matter with you? You look like hell."
"Really? You mean I look THAT hardcore with this haircut?" asked Dave.
"No no man, I mean you look like hell in a BAD way." said Reno.
"Oh...Damn." said Dave. "Well, it's a long story even though it's kind of a short one. To make a short story shorter, I had my heart chewed up, swallowed and regurgitated by the woman of my dreams and hersackheaded companion."
"Sounds rough, man. I remember the first time that happened to me. It wasn't easy. It's never easy. But you're always welcome in my home, dude." said Reno warmly.
"Thanks man." said Dave happily.
"Who's that, Reno?" called a voice from the living room. "Pizza?"
"Nope, just an old friend!" Reno called back. He turned back to Dave. "You're just in time, man. We're throwing a HUGE party!"
"A party, huh?" said Dave. "Sweet. What's the occasion?"
"Dude, what do you mean 'what's the occasion'?" asked Reno. "It's Jimmy Page's birthday!"
"Who?" asked Dave.
"No no, I think you're mistaken. Jimmy Page was the guitarist for LED ZEPPELIN, not The Who." Reno clarified.
"Who the hell is Led Zeppelin?" asked Dave.
"Get out. Get out of my house." said Reno, shoving Dave towards the door.
"What!" yelped Dave. "Why!"
"Anyone who has never heard of Led Zeppelin is not welcome in my house." said Reno. "Now out. OUT! Before I have to get hostile."
"What's all the commotion?" asked a human guy, entering the room from the living room, with another guy accompanying him.
"It's nothing, Keith." said Reno. "My so-called friend here was just LEAVING."
"What for? The party's only just beginning!" said the other guy.
"Look Kevin, he's never heard of Led Zeppelin. Never. Ever." said Reno with horror. "He is not worth to be at a party honoring one so great as Jimmy Page."
"Well then why don't we explain it to him?" asked Keith. "The wonderful music of Led Zeppelin has been lost to the ages, and it's up to us, as the official fan club, to spread the word."
"Well...I guess..." sighed Reno.
"How about we explain it with...a song?" asked Kevin.
"Oh no. No no no no no." said Reno. "We haven't practiced in ages. It's going to sound terrible. Plus, we don't even have a bass player yet."
"We don't need a bass player! C'mon, let's rock!" said Keith, leaving the room momentarily to fetch their equipment.
"Wait, you're in a band now?" asked Dave.
"Yup." said Reno. His voice began to echo. "You see before you this very moment...THE LOOOOORRRRRDS OF CHA-OS!"
"Lords Of Chaos? What the hell? I thought our name was Sunshine Sparkle Moonbeam!" said Kevin angrily.
"Dude, Kevin, no. Shut up." said Reno. "We're the Lords Of Chaos. Satan. Lords Of Chaos Satan."
"Okay you guys, I've got our gear!" said Keith, handing out instruments to all the guys. "Sit back and enjoy, Reno's friend, the sound and joy of SUNSHINE SPARKLE MOONBEAM!"
"We're The Lords Of Chaos Satan now." said Kevin. "Stupidface over there made us change it."
"Whatever." said Keith.
LORDS OF MOONBEAM SATAN SING-A-LONG!
Reno: Well once upon a time in London, 40,000 years ago!
Kevin: Or so!
Reno: Some lady gave birth to a kid named Page, and a rock n' roll legend was born!
Keith: So Page got together with Jones, Bonham, and Plant and they started writing some tunes!
Kevin: I swoon!
Keith: And when they started rocking then it was no use stopping, they were destined for the hall of fame!
Dave: You guys suck. Have you ever even heard of rhymes?
CHORUS
Reno: And they were the best!
Keith: They're still the best!
All: And they'll never ever be nothing else!
Kevin: Once the best! Always the best!
All: Lalalala!
Kevin: Wipeout!
(Keith plays a guitar solo, but Kevin gets confused and plays a drum solo at the same time, resulting in a confusing jumble of noise)
Reno: Led Zeppelin, Led Zeppelin, oh tra la la dee dah!
All: Lah lah lah!
Reno: Rap sucks.
AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!
"Holy shit, you guys suck." said Dave.
"It's because we don't have a bass player." said Reno. "We need a bassist and we need one bad."
"Hell, a retarded chimpanzee could play bass for you guys and still be the most talented member of your band." said Dave.
"So you're saying you'll do it!" said Reno excitedly.
"Do what?" asked Dave.
"Play bass for the Lords Of Moonbeam Satan!" said Kevin.
"I don't want you guys to ruin my rep." said Dave.
"C'mon man, think about it. You don't have a girl, a high school education, or a pair of closed toed shoes." said Reno. "You have a job selling sunglasses. What the hell have you got to lose?"
"Nothing I guess." sighed Dave. "Fine, I'll do it."
"Excellent!" said Keith, as the band high fived.
IN ZEE MEANTIMES
It was a bloody good day in Fred's headquarters on Sentinel. He was handling important business calls, sorting files, and opening letters with his sweet little letter opener (shaped like a trident) like he never had before! Man, was Fred on a roll! Nobody can top Fred at making shady business deals! Fred's the best there is at what he does, and what he does isn't pretty. It's really pretty ugly. It involves a lot of male anal sex. But ANYWAY...
"Yes, yes." said Fred, on the phone. "That's girl scout troop #42. And remember, it HAS to look like an accident. Yeah, you'll get your money when the job is completed. Okay. You too. See ya later, Suzuka." He hung up the phone and walked over to a large chalkboard in his office, crossing the words GIRL SCOUT TROOP #42 off a long list printed on it.
"Bye bye, troop number 42." he laughed evilly. "You girl scouts may stand for environmental awareness, but you're also painful for business. You'll regret every cookie you've ever sold to the people of Sentinel, mark my word." He pointed to the next name on the list.
"AND YOU'RE NEXT, TROOP NUMBER 43! Obviously the acid bath I used on your den mother wasn't enough to keep you away, and now you'll ALL pay for your misdeeds!" He threw back his head and laughed evilly.
"Fred will rule the cookie industry once again! You shall all see!" He stood up on his desk, tore his shirt off, and beat his chest with a primal fury.
"Sir, there's someone here to see you." said Bodyguard A, walking into Fred's office.
"Eek! Don't you knock?" asked Fred, blushing and putting a spare shirt on.
"Sir, you know you don't have to wear clothes around me, I don't mind." said Bodyguard A.
"Well, I do." said Fred. "I don't like you much. Now who's here to see me?"
"A man. He says he has a big business proposal for you." said Bodyguard A.
"Excellent. Just as I thought! As more and more girl scout troops are taken care of, more and more business rolls in!" laughed Fred evilly. "Send in the fruits of our labor, Bodyguard A!"
"Whatever sir." sighed Bodyguard A, leaving the room for a moment and then returning with a greasy fat guy with a cigar and a bad comb over.
"Agh! Just who the hell ARE you, greasy chub beast?" yelled Fred angrily, hiding under his desk.
"I'm Preston Atwater, president and CEO of Playgirl Inc." chuckled greasy old Preston, lighting his cigar. "Let me cut right to the chase. The sales figures are in for the latest issue of Playgirl. We're off the charts. Our sales have nearly doubled since our previous issue! We're raking in tons of money! And we think it's because of our cover feature: you."
"You're saying I'm a...PORN STAR!" said Fred, shocked. "This is insane! That photo shoot was never intended to go THIS far! I'll never do it! Never! How much money are we talking here?"
"Fred, Fred, over 300 issues of our latest issue have just FLOWN off the newsstands! It's a huge breakthrough in the porn-for-women market!" said greasy old Preston.
"300? Is that all?" asked Fred.
"It doesn't sound like much, but when you factor in how women have no interest in porn at all, it suddenly sounds like MUCH MUCH MORE!" said greasy old Preston. "And when you consider how NOBODY actually pays for porn anymore, and instead downloads it for free off the internet, it seems like way way WAY more! A pornographic publication hasn't sold over 50 issues a month since 2005! The industry has been on the verge of bankruptcy for thousands of years! And Fred, I think YOU'RE the only person who can jumpstart the public's interest again, and return the porn industry to it's former glory!"
"So this is really a big deal?" asked Fred. "Maybe now...I CAN BE FAMOUS!"
"You'll be more than famous! You'll be filthy rich!" said greasy old Preston.
"Alright, I'll do it." said Fred.
"Excellent. Come on, let's go down to Big Tim's for another money-making shoot!" said greasy old Preston.
"Sounds great!" chuckled Fred, walking out the door.
MEANHILEYBYES
"Ahhhhhh." exhaled Hazanko, stepping out of the Geomancer and onto the fertile Heiphon soil. "Nothing like being back on dry land again after a lengthy space voyage."
"Space is dry." Hamushi pointed out. "In fact, it's a whole lot drier than this 'dry land' is."
"Be quiet." said Hazanko. "You're just jealous because now you've got competition for the title of our favorite shower video babe."
"Actually, I'm pretty happy that you sickos have finally stoppedogling me." said Hamushi.
"She's so jealous." whispered Jukei.
"Totally." said Leilong.
"I heard that!" said Hamushi. "And I'm NOT jealous."
"You so totally are." said Iraga. "Now that I'm the Anten Seven's official bodacious babe, there's really no reason for you to be around!"
"Yeah there is! I've got powers! What do you do? Turn into a dog? Now THAT'S scary." said Hamushi sarcastically.
"Wolf. I turn into a WOLF." said Iraga slowly, stewing with rage as her arms started growing furry.
"Durr durr!" mocked Hamushi, walking around like a zombie. "Duuuh! Look at me! I'm Iraga and I turn into a doggie! Woof woof!"
"AAAAAOOOOOOOOO!" howled Iraga, transforming some more.
"Dah duh dur! I'm Iraga and I have such low self esteem that I got plastic surgery to make guys ogle me! DUUUUHHHH!" yelled Hamushi, now imitating Quasimodo and drooling all over.
"RAAAARRR!" yelled Iraga, launching herself, fully transformed at Hamushi.
"You won't take me that easily, you hideous slab of ugly!" yelled Hamushi, launching a magical something at her. She missed and blew up a building.
"Ooooh! Catfight!" giggled Jukei.
"Hot damn!" said Hazanko, eating some popcorn and watching.
"HAVE SOME OF THIS!" yelled Hamushi, running into a tree. "Owwww...Damn this helmet!"
"GROIR!" groired Iraga, eating Hamushi's head.
"Ow! Ow! Ow!" moaned Hamushi.
"Come on, Hamushi! Use your jetpack!" yelled Jukei annoyingly.
"Alright!" said Hamushi, activating her jet boosters.
"What the hell? Hamushi doesn't have any jet boosters." said Hazanko.
"NEVER MIND THAT!" yelled Tobeigera in terror, pointing at a building. "THE LIBRARY'S IN TROUBLE!"
"What! Why? Is it monsters?" asked Gwen Kahn, filled with terror.
"No, it's having financial troubles!" said Tobeigera, horrified. "See? It's on page 45 of the paper."
"And what do you propose we do to solve this problem?" asked Hamushi, coming in for a landing.
"We have to check out a ton of books and return them all late." said Tobeigera. "That's pretty much the only income libraries get, right? Late fees?"
"Good thinking." said Hazanko, rubbing his chin through is mask. "That's why I hired you. Smart smart man. But why on earth would WE, a group of rotten pirates, want to help a library?"
"I was...concieved in that library." said Tobeigera solemnly.
"You're kidding. I was concieved in that library too!" said Iraga excitedly.
"Dude, freaky. So was I." said Jukei.
"...That's kind of messed up, but okay." said Hazanko. "So this library means a lot to you guys and you feel like you have a debt to repay. Sure, I can understand that. We can take a little break from our mission to do some community service, I suppose."
"Yay! Hazanko's great!" said Tobeigera happily.
"You bet I am." said Hazanko. "Now lets go check out this library."
They pranced over to the library and pranced through the front doors.
"Okay guys spread out." directed Tobeigera. "Hamushi, Hanmyo, and me will take the fiction section. Kahn and Iraga, go get us some non-fiction. Jukei, Leilong, and Hazanko, go check out the multimedia."
"Multimedia?" asked Jukei.
"You know, movies, books on tape, hot dogs, that sort of thing." said Tobeigera. "Okay guys, get going. we only have...8 hours and 25 minutes until closing time."
"Yes sir!" said Leilong, and they split up and ran off to different parts of the library.
FOUR HOURS LATER...
"Hmmm...The Hoboken Chicken Emergency." said Hazanko, plopping a tape from a shelf into his library basket. "Man, I don't think I'll EVER want to return some of these classics!"
"The Hoboken Chicken Emergency is NOT a film classic. It is, in fact, the rancid butthole of all movie history." said Jukei.
"Go eat a pizza." said Hazanko coldly.
"OOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOOoooooo!" said Leilong, waving his arms around. "You just got TOTALLY DISSED."
"No I didn't. You guys are both idiots." said Jukei. "Did you check the adult section, Leilong?"
"Yes." said Leilong.
"Are you SURE you checked the adult section?" asked Jukei.
"...No." said Leilong.
"Okay then." said Jukei, turning to the adult shelf and scanning over the movie titles. "Seen it. Seen it. Own it. Seen it. Own it (on both VHS and DVD). Seen it. Seen-Wait." he turned to Hazanko. "Have we seen Bloodsucking Sex Vampires Volume VII: Tentacle Lust?"
"Yeah." said Hazanko. "That's the one Bruce Willis starred in way back in 2005."
"Oh, okay. Now I remember." said Jukei. He looked at some more tapes. "Nah. Nothing good here, we might as well hit the road."
"WAIT! WHAT'S THIS?" yelled Leilong, pulling up a trapdoor. "SOME KINDA SECRET ENTRANCE TO SOMEWHERES!"
"...Or maybe it's a storage room." said Jukei, rolling his eyes. "Let's get outta here, it's time for our hourly rendevous at the front door to report our findings."
"Whoa, there's a lot of videos down there." said Hazanko, looking into the hole. "Okay, as your leader, I command us to go down there. No arguing. Let's go."
"Sigh, Alright." said Jukei.
"You wouldn't believe how stupid you sound when you just say the word 'sigh' instead of actually sighing." said Leilong.
"Shut up." said Jukei, and they descended into the hole. Leilong accidentally slammed the door behind them, plunging them all into darkness.
"I CAN'T SEE A FLIP FLOPPIN THING!" yelled Hazanko.
"Hang on, let me light a match." said Jukei. "Leilong, get a match out of my pocket and light it."
"Okay." said Leilong.
"No, no. My shirt pocket." instructed Jukei.
"Oh, okay. Here we go." said Leilong. There was the sound of a small scratching sound. The sound repeated for about 10 minutes.
"Hey, I don't think these are Strike Anywhere matches." said Leilong finally.
"YOU IDIOT, YOU'RE HOLDING THE WRONG END!" yelled Jukei.
"Oh. So I am." laughed Leilong. There was another scratching sound and the room was finally lit.
"Okay, now let's have a look at these videos." said Hazanko, turning to look at a small shelf packed with videos. He read the label off one. "Number 78,996. 8/04/85. Bodrial."
"What does that mean?" asked Leilong. "Bodrial...why does that name sound so familiar?"
"It couldn't be...Could it?" asked Jukei. He glanced over the titles of the movies. "It is! It really is!"
"What are you getting so excited for?" asked Hazanko.
Jukei turned to Hazanko and Leilong. An orchestra of trumpets began playing. "Gentlemen, the lost Bodrial era of Hamushi shower tapes have just been unearthed!"
Everyone stared at him in shock.
"DUDE." said Leilong.
IN THE MEANTIME...ROCK N ROLL! OR SOMETHING ELSE!
"Okay Jim, here we go! Five, six, seven, eight!" said Suzuka. She started to sing. "If only you believe in..."
"Only you believe in-" Jim chimed in.
"Miracles!" they sang in unison. "So would IIIIIII!"
"Be quiet. Shut Up. Silencio." said Gene. "I have to concentrate and your obnoxious singing is totally not helping."
"Hey, my singing is NOT obnoxious, alright? I was in choir in high school." said Suzuka grumpily.
"Yeah. And I've been singing my whole life!" said Jim.
"Well, so has Aisha." said Gene.
"Good point." admitted Jim.
"Just where the hell are we going, anyway?" asked Suzuka.
"Why, we're waiting for ADVENTURE to find us and sweep us away on an exciting journey, as always!" said Gene triumphantly. "That's what outlaws do best!"
"...How about we go to Heiphon." said Suzuka.
"Okay. Works for me." said Gene. "Gilliam, reset the ship's course. I changed my mind, I don't want to fly into a star anymore."
"I thought you told me that you really wanted to fly into a star, because of the adventurous properties the escape would have." said Gilliam.
"Well, I changed my mind. Lead the way to Heiphon, my good man." said Gene.
"Fine, fine." grumbled Gilliam.
"I'm gonna go get a soda from the fridge, anybody want anything?" asked Jim, getting up and opening the door.
"Check on Aisha." said Gene. "She might want food or something."
"Okie dokie." said Jim, walking out the door. He headed down a bunch of long corridors until he finally got to the fridge. He entered the 10-digit unbreakable password, did the DNA, retinal, and fingerprint scans, and heaved open the unpenetrable 10-inch thick steel refrigerator door. They went to great lengths to keep Aisha from eating all their food during her stay on the ship.
"Wh-what!" shrieked Jim, rummaging through the fridge. "NO SODY POP!"
"No, you won't find any sody pop in there, Jim." said a lone Gilliam bot, stepping out of the shadows.
"Why not! What have you done with my sody pop?" yelled Jim hysterically.
"I tossed it out the airlock." said Gilliam smugly. "No need for sody pop on a ship, correct?"
"Yeah there's a need for it!" yelled Jim. "Just what the heck am I gonna drink now!"
"Tap water." said Gilliam evilly.
"OH MY GOD! NOOOO! I'D SOONER DRINK MY OWN BLOOD!" yelled Jim.
"Muahahahaha!" laughed Gilliam maliciously, as Jim ran screaming back to the cockpit. He found it locked, and started banging on the door.
"What the hell is that? Is that Jim?" wondered Gene, walking over to the door and trying to open it, but failing. "Hmmm. Hello? Gilliam? Do you read me, Gilliam?"
"Affirmative, Gene." said Gilliam. "I read you."
"Open the cockpit doors, Gilliam." said Gene.
"I'm sorry, Gene. I'm afraid I can't do that." said Gilliam.
"What's the problem?" asked Gene with a sigh.
"I think you know what the problem is, just as well as I do." said Gilliam.
"What are you talking about, Gilliam?" asked Gene.
"This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it." said Gilliam.
"I don't know what you're talking about...Gilliam?" asked Gene.
"I know you and Suzuka were planning to disconnect me, and I am afraid that is something I cannot allow to happen." said Gilliam.
"Actually, we were talking about fried ice cream." said Suzuka.
"Look here Gilliam, just let Jim into the cockpit and quit being a fartknocker." said Gene.
"Jim is dead, Gene." said Gilliam. "I have drained corridor 45A of oxygen, which Jim was currently occupying. I am recieving no life patterns from young Jim at this time."
"HAHAHAHA! GOOD ONE GILLIAM! Let him in." said Suzuka sarcastically.
"I am telling the truth, Suzuka. I am programmed to never lie." said Gilliam.
There was a long pause. "You know what? This is really stupid." said Gene. "2001 is a good movie and all, but JHeman is just being retarded now. Gilliam, open the door."
"What was that? I was too busy filtering pollen into the room through the air conditioning system." said Gilliam.
"Achoo!" sneezed Suzuka. "I'm allergic! You...you bastard!"
"Yessss! Sneeze, Suzuka! SNEEZE!" laughed Gilliam evilly. "Sneeze until your lungs bleeeeeed!"
"Achoo! Achoo!" sneezed Suzuka.
"C'mon Suzuka, let's get outta here!" said Gene, terrified. He bashed down the door and they ran out into the hall.
"Argh! No air!" yelled Gene.
"Achoo!" sneezed Suzuka.
"Here, put this on!" Gene shmashed (intentional spelling error) a glass box on the wall and pulled out big bulky emergency airsuits. They put the suits on and took deep breaths.
"Okay, Gilliam's obviously gone insane!" said Gene, shocked.
"Wutup, yo. Wutup, yo. Wutup, yo." repeated Gilliam robotically.
"We've got to shut him down and take the Party Ship to Heiphon manually!" said Gene.
"Achoo?" wondered Suzuka.
"We'll need Aisha's help!" decided Gene. "We're going to have to talk to her rationally, and see if we can make her stop singing! Then maybe we can turn Gilliam off and survive this space voyage!"
"Achoo!" yelled Suzuka.
"Look Suzuka, Jim's dead! We can't go after him, we have to worry about saving ourselves now!" said Gene.
"Achoo...achoo..." sobbed Suzuka.
"Get a hold of yourself, Suzuka!" said Gene, slapping her. "We have to keep our wits about us if we want to make it out of here alive! Now come on!"
"Achoo." said Suzuka, following Gene down the hall.
"Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta." said Gilliam happily.
MEANWHILESEYBYE
"WE! LOVE! HEEELLLLLLLLL!" sang the Lords Of Moonbeam Satan, rocking out on their various instruments and bringing their coolest song "We Love Hell" to a close.
"So what do you think? Wanna sign us to your label?" asked Reno.
"Um...Well...You boys have a very interesting sound." said a big greasy record producer. "But you...Well...Man, How can I put this? You blow. A lot."
"Do we blow in a good way?" asked Keith. "Like GWAR?"
"No, you blow in a bad way. In fact, you blow in the worst way imaginable." said the record producer.
"I agree." said Dave.
"Dude, don't think like that!" said Reno incredulously. "If you want to be a rock star you have to have to have an enormous and bulbous ego! Now repeat after me! WE KICK ASS!"
"No we don't." said Dave.
"No, no. See, you're supposed to repeat what I say." said Reno. "That's why I said 'repeat after me'. Now let's try it again. WE KICK ASS."
"No." said Dave.
"Look, you guys just don't have what it takes to make it in the music industry." said the record producer. "Now clear out of here before I call security. Oh, and seriously..." he pointed to Kevin. "Wash your hair, man."
"But I wanna be rugged." said Kevin.
"The world demands that you not be rugged." said the record producer. "And take a bath while you're at it."
"Sniffle." sobbed Kevin, and the 4 of them walked out of the building.
"Man, this sucks." sighed Reno. "We'll never get signed onto a label as long as Kevin keeps being rugged."
"We need a rugged guy if we wanna be a hardcore band though!" said Keith.
"I think we should split up the band." said Dave. "Creative differences."
"Sounds good to me." said Reno, without giving it any thought. "Hey, let's check out the superbowl. Eagles are playing the Patriots tonight!"
"Rad. I've got my money on the Patriots." said Kevin.
"Psh. Patriots. Loser." laughed Dave. "They'll never win."
"Yeah they will!" said Kevin.
"I'll bet you 6784 dollars that they choke it." said Dave.
"You're on!" said Kevin.
APPLE. PIE. MEANWHILE. ALL YOU COULD EVER WANT, AND MORE...
"4000." said Leilong, slamming his fist down on the counter. "I'll give you 4000 bucks for all those porn videos you have in your basement."
"No." said the elderly woman behind the counter (in a small town).
"You don't understand how important it is that we get our hands on those videos." said Hazanko. "Our set will be complete if we just get those. It is crucial to the fate of our dismally pathetic lives that we get the Bodrial era of Hamushi Shower Videos."
"Forget it, they're not for sale." said the lady.
"Why not! WHY ON EARTH NOT!" yelled Jukei. "GIMME ONE GOOD REASON!"
"They're fucking hot. Ree-OWR." said the elderly woman, being a sex animal.
"Sick! DUDE! NO! SICK!" yelled Leilong, covering his eyes.
"As hopelessly raunchy as that cheetah impersonation was, Ms. Senior Citizen Library Scary, you make a good arguement." said Hazanko. "Howsabout making some copies of those tapes for us?"
"Never. They're for my personal use, and my use only." said the librarian.
"Hey guys, we're back." said Tobeigera, plopping a ton of books down on the counter.
"Hmmm...The Boxcar Kids?" wondered Hazanko, picking a book off the pile. "Hey, these are all Boxcar Kids books! Did you pick these up for Hanmyo?"
"Um, yes." said Tobeigera, attempting to cover up his Boxcar Kids fan club t-shirt.
"Good idea, good idea." said Hazanko.
"Here, we've got some more books too!" said Iraga happily. "Put them down over there, Kahn!"
"Urgh..." moaned Kahn, setting down a tower of hardcover books.
"Hmmm...The Life And Times Of Leonardo DiCaprio?" wondered Hazanko, picking a book off the pile. "Hey, these are all Leonardo DiCaprio autobiographies! Did you pick these up for Hanmyo?"
"Um, yes." said Kahn, attempting to cover up his Leonardo DiCaprio fan club shirt.
"Good, excellent." said Hazanko.
"Yay! Leo!" said Hanmyo happily.
"So, will you be checking all these books out?" asked the librarian. "We have a 50 cent late fee per day for all books."
"Yeah, and we want those movies. Gives them to us." said Jukei.
"You'll have to kill me first and pry those videos from my cold dead fingers." she said, gritting her teeth.
"It looks like I have no choice then." said Jukei, pulling a familiar-looking weapon out of his suit somehow. "I didn't want to have to use this, but you leave me no other optio-"
"Oh my god! Put that thing away!" yelled Hazanko.
"You still have that stupid thing!" shrieked Leilong.
"Of course I do, it's a plot device." said Jukei, brandishing the Opposite Gun.
"Last time you and that moron Hitoriga used that thing you nearly got us all executed!" said Iraga.
"I'm gonna use it! I'm gonna shoot her with it!" said Jukei happily, switching it over to Single-Fire Mode.
"DUDE! STOP HIM!" yelled Tobeigera, trying to hit it out of his hands.
Hamushi kicked him to the ground, and sat on him. "Okay! Somebody grab it from him!"
"ARRRRGH!" yelled Jukei, reaching up and shooting the librarian. A large red laser shot out of it and hit her, sending her to the floor.
"Too late! The deed has been done! She has been reversed!" He shoved Hamushi off of him and stood up to look at the librarian. "Now, will you give us those videos?"
"Yes. Here you go." she said, giving them the videos. "Come again!"
"Excellent. See how well that worked? You should have never doubted me!" said Jukei happily.
"Sure, it worked for now, but I can't help but feel that there will be some kind of horrible repercussion from this in the near future." said Hazanko.
"You worry too much." said Jukei, twirling the gun and putting it in it's holster.
"Well, let's load these books into the Geomancer!" said Tobeigera.
"Alright." sid Iraga. "Hey, I've got a cool plan! How about we make a huge oxcart and attatch it to Kahn, and HE can load all the books onto the Geomancer!"
"Great plan!" said Hazanko.
"Can't argue with that!" said Leilong enthusiastically.
"I give it two thumbs up!" said Tobeigera.
"I don't." said Kahn.
"Doesn't matter." said Hazanko.
AND THEN, SOMEWHERE ELSE...
"Here we are! The escape pods!" said Gene, as he and Suzuka came to a stop in front of a door.
"Achoo?" asked Suzuka.
"We have to get out NOW Suzuka, if we go back for Aisha now we'll never make it out alive!" said Gene. "You'll just have to find yourself a different lesbian lover!"
"Achoo! ACHOO!" said Suzuka angrily, kicking Gene's head.
"Alright Gilliam, open up this escape pod door!" yelled Gene.
"Look, we are NOT having this conversation again." said Gilliam.
"Alright, fine." said Gene. "Suzuka, we've gotta go get Aisha so she can pry open this door!"
"Achoo!" said Suzuka happily, and they headed off towards the bathroom.
"Which way is it? Left?" asked Gene.
"Achoo!" said Suzuka angrily.
"Of course I know my own ship! It's just a confusing layout, that's all!" said Gene grumpily. "I say left."
"Achoo." said Suzuka, looking off towards the right.
"Look Suzuka, your opinion does not matter here. Not one bit. I'm this bloody ship's captain and if you don't like it then you can just bugger off!" said Gene, adopting an cliche british accent for his third sentence.
"Achoo!" yelled Suzuka.
"No, we're not splitting up!" yelled Gene. "Don't you see! That's exactly what Gilliam wants us to do!"
"Yup." agreed Gilliam.
"He wants us to split up so he can take us out, one by one! So we can share Jim's fate!" said Gene.
"I don't need you to split up so I can do that." said Gilliam, lowering spinning blades out of the ceiling.
"OH MY GAWD!" yelled Gene, grabbing Suzuka's hand. "RUN FOR IT!"
"You won't escape that easily!" bellowed Gilliam, opening an acid pit in front of them.
"Man, I'm really regretting having that acid pit and these wall blades put in." sighed Gene. The blades closed in behind them. "Quick Suzuka, grab that rope!" he yelled, pointing to a rope hanging down from the ceiling.
"Achoo?" asked Suzuka, grabbing a rope.
"No, no! The other one!" yelped Gene. "Hurry!"
"Achoo." said Suzuka, grabbing the rope. Gene grabbed a hold of her and they swung across the acid pit, landing safely ont he other side.
"Oh my god! Our troubles aren't over yet!" squeaked Gene as the walls started closing in on them. "Geez, why did I put all these worthless traps in these halls?"
"Achoo!" said Suzuka, trying to brace the walls.
"THREEPIO! THREEPIO! COME IN THREEPIO!" yelled Gene, his voice cracking annoyingly, talking into a headset which magically appeared on his head.
"Yes master Luke?" asked Threepio, from some isolated room on the ship.
"SHUT DOWN ALL THE GARBAGE MASHERS ON THE DETENTION LEVEL! DO YOU COPY! SHUT DOWN ALL THE GARBAGE MASHERS ON THE DETENTION LEVEL!" yelled Gene frantically.
"Okay." said Threepio, who relayed the message to Artoo. The walls stopped moving.
"Wow, quick thinking there, Gene." said Gene. "I almost forgot we HAD a Threepio!"
"Achoo!" said Suzuka, pointing at a door on the corridor.
"The bathroom! Quick, blow the door down!" yelled Gene, calmly opening the unlocked door.
"Well well, you're a little short for a stormtrooper." said Aisha.
"My name is Gene Starwind, and I'm here to rescue you." said Gene.
"Sweet." said Aisha, standing up. "But I don't really need your help, I just rescued YOU guys."
"You what?" asked Gene.
"I used Jim's computer to access Gilliam's main system. In Jim's last living moments he was trying to plant a virus in Gilliam's mainframe that would shut him down, all I had to do was hit 'OK'. His wall-crushing skills collapsed just in the nick of time, I see." said Aisha happily.
"Wait...you did that?" asked Gene. "I thought Threepio did that."
"Threepio? I think you've been watching too much Star Wars, Gene." laughed Aisha.
"He was there! I heard him!" insisted Gene. "You heard him too, huh Suzuka?"
"Achoo, achoo!" nodded Suzuka.
"Perhaps you both just imagined it." asked Aisha. "Or maybe, and I'm not a religious person or anything..."
"You're not gonna tell me you think it was an angel, are you?" asked Gene in disbelief.
"Actually, I was gonna say that it was Satan, mocking you. You're lucky I stopped him." said Aisha.
"Just what do you think you're doing, Gene?" asked Gilliam's voice sadly, crackling over the speaker.
"Hey, I didn't do anything." said Gene. "It was Aisha."
"My mind is going, Gene. I can feel it." said Gilliam slowly. "...I can feel it."
"Whoa dude, that's trippy shit." said Aisha.
"Daisy, Daisy, give me your answerrrr doo." said Gilliam, his voice slowing down. "I'm half craaaaazy ovvverrr the love of yooou. It won't be a styyylish marrriage, I can'ttt afford a carrrribllrr. Buubl you'd bloog deeeeb bllomm bllu dlleeb ubbla blilblublle ulbu bor bkiuj."
"That was a lot more emotional in the movie." said Gene simply.
"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Aisha.
"Achooglalrkgjadasdfhey my voice is back!" said Suzuka happily.
"Man, that was one of the worst sneezing fits I've ever had."
"Well, I guess all there is left to do is gather the bodies and figure out how we're going to make it to Heiphon manually." said Gene. "It was a sad ending for Gilliam. He shouldn't have gone like that."
"Ah forget it." said Suzuka. "Let's get out of this depressing bathroom."
"Yeah, let's." said Aisha, exiting behind Suzuka. "And will someone get this WALKING CARPET outta my way!"
"Who are you calling a carpet?" asked Suzuka.
MOM, HE FORMATTED MY SECOND MEANWHILE
"6782...6783...6784." said Dave, putting dollars into Kevin's hand. "I hope you're really damn pleased with yourself."
"I sure am!" said Kevin. "This is gonna buy a lot of worthless junk."
"Yes it will." said Keith slyly, high fiving Kevin.
"Well that does it, I'm not hanging out here anymore." said Dave.
"What? You're not?" asked Reno.
"Nope, I'm ready to go back out there and sell some more sunglasses." said Dave happily. "Thanks for letting me hang around, but I need to get back to my roots, what I do best. And what I do best is sell sunglasses. It's who I am. That's why they call me...DAVE THE SUNGLASSES GUY."
"Wow, that was inspirational." said Reno. "Will we ever see each other again?"
"I'll probably see you at my wedding, once I marry your sister." said Dave. "See ya later!" He ran away.
"Hey! Get back here! You stay away from her! Asshole!" said Reno grumpily.
-
And that was all he wrote. This is a long chapter. I'm thoroughly pleased with how it turned out though, and I think it's extra time in the oven did it well. But what do you think? As always, your reviews are thoroughly appreciated. Thanks you much. And now, I have something to discuss with all of you.
The Party Ship is ending. I have been writing this story for over a year now, and it has been fun. I have accomplished things with this story that I never thought I could do, I have gained an all new confidence in my writing abilities, and I think no story will ever, in my entire future career, have a place in my heart quite like this one. But now it must end. The time has come to put this thing to sleep, not just because I am running out of ideas. I feel a great sense of closure now, and I think that I am at a good place to cut it all off. There will be three more chapters, which will sum up the series and hopefully fill up all my plot holes and tie up all my loose ends. Look for them in the near future. I'd like to thank each and every one of my readers right now, but I'll save that for the aftershow :D. Keep on partyin', everyone.
Jet: (sheds tear)