Hi everybody, and welcome to the latest chapter of the Party Ship in recent history. Critics agree, this is by far the latest chapter yet, meaning you'll be cool and trendy if you read it. All you guys still reading chapter 23, you guys are so last week. This chapter is the wave of the future. Get with the times, seriously.
Jet: I mean, check out my spats! Aren't they cool?
SO 1920s, Jet. So 1920s.
Jet: Awwwww...
AND NOW THE STORY BEGINS RIGHT NOW!
"Urgle..." moaned Hitoriga. His head was aching. He sat up from his place on the ground and looked around him. He was apparently in a lake of fire of some kind. He turned to some guy. "Hey you! Where the hell am I?"
"HISSSSS..." said the guy, swimming away and getting stabbed to death with crimson tridents.
"Well jeez, fine. Asshole." said Hitoriga. He swam to the shore of the lake of fire, dried himself off, and started walking along paths of damned souls being tortured.
"Pleeeease...help me..." said a guy strapped into a complicated looking limb-tearing machine.
"No way. Get a job, you loser." said Hitoriga, kicking the guy's face just as his arms were ripped off.
"Haha. Good job, dude." said Hitoriga, flashing a thumbs up to the enormous demon who was operating the machine. "Hey, can you tell me where I am?"
"YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, MORTAL!" laughed the demon. "MUAHAHAHAHA! YOU ARE IN AN EXISTENCE OF ETERNAL PURGATORY! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR SINS OF THE MORTAL REALM WITH PAIN AND YOUR OWN BLOOD! DARKNESS WILL REIGN OVER YOUR EVERY WAKING MOMENT! YOU ARE IN THE ETERNAL SUFFERING! YOU ARE IN HEEEELLLLLLLLLL! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Okay man, a simple 'Detroit' would have sufficed." sighed Hitoriga, rolling his eyes. "See ya later."
Hitoriga walked on, admiring the scenery of hell. "Hey, a snack machine!" he said happily, pulling a dollar out of his pocket and running over to the machine. "OH MY GOD, IT ONLY CARRIES NUT PRODUCTS! THIS REALLY IS DETROIT!"
He began to panic and tried to hail a taxi for a few hours. "None of them are stopping!" he screamed in terror. "All those cabs are empty! Why won't they pick me up! WHY OH WHY IS DETROIT SUCH A ...HELLISH PLACE!"
"A hot dog stand!" said Hitoriga, relieved, runnning over to the stand. "I'll have a hot dog!"
"One minnit." said the hot dog woman, handing him a charred hot dog on a bun. "Burned to a crisp, DETROIT STYLE!"
"OH DEAR GOD! THIS IS THE MOST HORRIBLE PLACE IN THE WORLD!" sobbed Hitoriga, dropping to the ground, clutching his hot dog. "I wanna go home!"
"That'll be 25 bucks." said the woman. "Detroit style dogs for Detroit style prices." She gave a little wink.
"SOMEBODY HELP ME! OH PLEASE JESUS GET ME OUTTA HERE!" cried Hitoriga, raising his arms to the heavens.
"Jesus can not here you hear, damned soul." said a dark and mysterious voice from behind Hitoriga.
Hitoriga whirled around."AAAH! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU! AND ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU USED INAPPROPRIATE SPELLINGS OF HERE AND HEAR IN THAT LAST SENTENCE!"
"To answer your first question (I suggest you forget about the second one, because I already have), I am the lord of the underworld. The prince of darkness. The living incarnation of all that is evil." said Satan.
"Oh I get it! You must be the MAYOR of Detroit!" said Hitoriga. "I've got a bone to pick with you about your snack machines, you piece of crap!"
Satan sighed and rubbed his forehead. "No, no. I am Satan. I'm the root of all evil. The commander of the most horrible place in any realm of reality."
"Isn't that what I just said?" asked Hitoriga.
"No. Forget it." said Satan. "Look, all you need to know is that you're here for all eternity and you can't get out."
"What? That's lame." said Hitoriga. "Is there anything fun to do here? Movie theaters? Bars? Comedy clubs?"
"We only play Hugh Grant movies at the theaters here, The Alan Parsons Project is the only band that ever plays live at any bars, and the only comedian who does the clubs is Chris Rock." said Satan.
"This place sucks." said Hitoriga, kicking a can.
"Exactly." laughed Satan evilly.
MEANWHILE!
"Well, here we be!" said Gene happily.
"Heiphon, sweet Heiphon." said Suzuka, breathing in the toxic and polluted Heiphon atmosphere.
"If only...Gilliam and Jim were here to enjoy it with us! WAAAAH!" sobbed Aisha. "Particularly Jim."
"Our team seems really small now." said Gene. "Didn't we used to have like 6 members?"
"Did we? I can't even remember." said Aisha.
"It's only been the three of us, Gilliam, and Jim as far as I can remember." said Suzuka.
"Yeah, that's right." said Gene. "Hey Aisha, did you ever recover Jim's corpse?"
"Yeah actually!" said Aisha. "Let me check my pockets...Yeah, here he is." She handed Gene a small yellow ball about the size of a golf ball.
"THAT'S Jim?" asked Gene, looking at the ball in his hands.
"Yes, he was imploded in the vacuum of space." said Aisha. "Isn't he cute? Such a cute little Jim he is."
"Yuck." said Suzuka, snatching him out of Gene's hands. "Even in death he gets no rest from Aisha's pedophilic lust."
"What the heck does that mean? Quit throwing around your 20 dollar words and give it to me straight!" said Aisha.
"You're a crib-robbing elementary school student humper." said Suzuka.
"Well I never!" said Aisha. "Give him back."
"No." said Suzuka.
"What are you going to do with him?" asked Aisha. "Give him back to me so I can take showers with him!"
"Dude, no." said Suzuka. "You'll drop him and he'll plug up the drain."
"No I won't, I'll hold onto him really tightly! WITH MY LIFE!" said Aisha.
"No." said Suzuka, putting him in her pocket.
"Come on! I wanna cover him with foam and use him as a sponge!" said Aisha.
"Aisha, be quiet." said Gene. "You're disgusting."
"Look, just because I want to rub Jim all over my body, in every nook and cranny-" started Aisha.
"Stop. Talking." said Gene.
"Alright." said Aisha.
"Okay, we really need to prioritize here." said Gene. "We need to analyze our situation and work fast and efficiently to get us out of it as soon as possible. So let me ask the obvious: What exactly have we got here?"
"I think we've got no navigation system, not that we've ever really had one since what's-her-name left, and we've also got no conceivable reason for being on Heiphon at all." said Suzuka.
"Alright, that's good." said Gene. "Let's work with that. Now how, exactly, should we go about rectifying this issue?"
"Gene, stop being a good leader. It's just...not you." said Suzuka.
"Okay." said Gene. "Let's play Dance Dance Revolution at the local arcade until our legs fall off and we are taken to the hospital. Once we're there we can smuggle a bunch of cough syrup out of the medicine closet and sell it to Aisha's brother, that druggie piece of crap."
"I like it. That's the traditional Gene ingenuity we all know and love." said Suzuka.
"Reno's alive because I love him. The whole reason I was at that wedding was so I could prevent him from marrying that horrible woman. I could never eat him, I care about him too much." said Aisha truthfully.
"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Gene.
"I don't know really...I don't know what came over me." said Aisha. "I just figured SOMEBODY would like to know that."
"That was really random and spontaneous. Let's never speak of it again." said Suzuka.
"Never again." agreed Gene.
MEANSIETIMES ON THE SECONDARY TROOP
It was a spicy hot, authentic Mexican cuisine of a day on The Horus Craft Of Fantastrick Lust. With realistic mood-setting decor and festive music to suit the theme. Overall a 5-star triumph in ethnic diversity for low priced burritos and good-tasting prokaryotes. Never mind that a prokaryote is a nucleus bearing single-celled organism, if you pronounce it right it sounds like a tasty Mexican word for a long camelback journey. I have no idea what I'm talking about. Doing Biology homework while eating burritos and writing anime fanfiction on very little sleep is not a good mix, trust me.
"What's the matter, Melfina?" asked Ron."You seem more bland and expressionless than usual. What's up?
"It's just been wearing on my mind that I'm being forgotten in this story AGAIN. I mean, no one even CARES about me anymore!" said Melfina.
"Will you shut that insane stranger up! I'm trying to watch Party of Five reruns in here!" said Hilda grumpily.
"See? Not even Hilda, the person I'm most often written into lesbian smutty fanfiction with, knows who I am!" said Melfina. "This is awful! Simply awful!"
"Come now Melfina, I care about you!" said Ron. "Harry cares about you! Don't you Harry?"
"Ron...Can't talk...Ingested...entire box of...(cough) Tinker Toys..." choked Harry.
"What's the problem?" asked Ron, putting his hands on his hips. "You always eat Tinker Toys regardless of the Choking Hazard labels on the boxes, and nothing ever seems to happen."
"You don't understand!" wheezed Harry. "They were...(choke) still in the box!"
"Oh my god! Hilda, call poison control!" yelled Ron.
"Poison control? For Tinker Toys?" asked Hilda.
"Well, I accidentally fed him some poison this morning, this call doesn't really have anything to do with the Tinker Toys."
"Oh, okay. Makes sense to me." said Hilda, picking up the phone and dialing. "Hello, poison control? I'd like a large poison control with extra pepperoni. Hahaha...But seriously, this guy here's dying..."
"Never mind him, how bout a date, sexy?" asked the guy on the other end.
Hilda giggled. "Well, Horus has been asking if I wanted to try a threesome..."
"I'm still depreeeeeeessed." said Melfina impatiently.
"HACK! CHOKE!" hacked and choked Harry, keeling over dead.
"Oh my god! He died!" yelled Ron.
"Phew! Good thing that was only the main me!" said another Harry, stepping out of the closet. "Roboharry number 2 at your service!"
"Wow, how sickeningly convenient." said Melfina. "I hope this doesn't become a trend."
"Nah, don't be silly." said Ron.
"Hey, watch this!" giggled Harry. He shoved a straw up his nose with a sickening squish. "Won't go in..." he sighed, and gave a rough thrust, with a sound of tearing and cracking tissue. "Haha it tingles! it's in my brain! Whoa, I can't feel the left side of my body anymore!" He bent the straw so the other end was in his mouth and SUCKED OUT HIS OWN BRAINS! "Agaaagaagruruaaa!" he laughed happily as his own brain poured into his mouth and trickled down his chin. He collapsed to the ground, brains still seeping out of the straw and his nasal cavity.
"That was really really sick!" said Melfina. "Yuck, that was horrible!"
"Oh my god! Not again!" said Ron. "Come Hilda, maybe we can revive him as the ship's navigation system!"
"What? but I'm the ship's navigation system!" said Melfina.
"Not anymore! See ya later! Escape pods are down the hall and to your left." said Ron, as he and Hilda grabbed Harry and took him down to the basement.
"Jerks!" said Melfina. "ASS! HOLES!"
BACK IN HELL
"And over here, we have the torture chambers for the suicide people." said Satan into a megaphone, leading a tour bus. He indicated an enormous building, the size of Delaware. "There's so many of them, aren't there? What could ever possibly drive so many people to commit suicide? We can't help but wonder."
"What a pointless question. This is Detroit, isn't it?" asked Hitoriga. "I'd kill myself if I lived there too."
"Good point." said Satan.
"Sweet." said a guy with a shaved head. He nudged Hitoriga and pointed to the building. "That's where I'd be man, but I OD'd before I could shoot myself."
"Okay, that does it." said Hitoriga. He stood up.
"Sir, please take your seat until the tour is over." said Satan.
"Hold on, when am I going to get some ANSWERS!" yelled Hitoriga. "How the hell did I get here...In this Detroit! What could I possibly do to deserve this?"
"And you are?" asked Satan, pulling out a clipboard and putting on his reading spectacles.
"Hitoriga Clark." said Hitoriga.
"And Clark...that starts with an E?" asked Satan, leafing through the pages of his clipboard.
"No. C." said Hitoriga.
"Oh, okay. Here we go." said Satan. "Lets see, it says here that you've killed countless people in service to the Anten pirates."
"Hahaha. Yeah, that's right. I remember that." giggled Hitoriga. He sat back down. "Not to mention the murdering of a little girl's entire family."
"Little girl? Hm?" asked Satan. "Nothing like that on here."
"Huh? The Suzuka family." said Hitoriga.
"Ah, nope. Must be a filing error. I have the worst secretaries in the multiverse." said Satan. "And if you look to your left, you'll see hell's biggest CD store: Greg's Top Notch CDs. There are no Hawkwind CDs in it."
"What's the signifigance of that?" asked Hitoriga. "There aren't any Hawkwind CDs in stores in the normal world either."
"Yes...The walls between the realms are beginning to weaken." said Satan darkly, flames springing up around him. "First gas prices increase. Then Hawkwind disappears from CD store shelves. Then...the walls are torn down and my armies walk the Earth."
"You know it'd be great if that CD store had Hawkwind." said the shaved head guy. "Hawkwind fucking kicks ass. If I had a Hawkwind cd for every time I've murdered someone, I wouldn't even have HALF of their albums!"
"I will admit, Hawkwind has released consistently good music for 3045 years." said Satan. "But that is why we cannot carry their music. I hope you guys like CREED, and LOTS OF IT!"
"DUDE! I LOVE CREED!" said a red haired guy with a high pitched voice at the back of the bus, standing up.
"EVERYBODY GET DOWN!" yelled the shaved head guy. Everyone on the bus dropped to the floor as he shot the red haired guy, sending him falling out of the bus. "Take that! You Creed-loving asshole!"
"Holy shit." said Hitoriga.
"NOBODY FUCK WITH ME! I HATE CREED AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO SHOOT ANYONE WHO DISAGREES!" said the shaved head guy.
"I disagree!" said Hitoriga, throwing his voice.
"WHAT THE HELL? WHO SAID THAT?" yelled the guy.
"Me!" said Hitoriga, throwing his voice the opposite direction. "I think it came from that river of LAVA over there!" yelled Hitoriga in his normal voice.
"Really! That asshole's MINE!" yelled the shaved head guy, jumping out of the tour bus and into the river of lava.
"Hahahaha. What a dumbass." said Hitoriga. "This place rocks after all."
"Yep, the only truly good thing about hell is how stupid everyone who's here is. Watch this." said Satan. He turned to some girl. "I'll give you a dollar if you shoot yourself."
"Really? Alright!" said the girl, shooting herself.
"See? It's great." said Satan. "Of course none of them can really die, so I never run out of idiots to pull that trick on."
"Owww...Oh my god! My head hurts so bad! Shit, I have a massive hole in it!" said the girl tearfully. "Sorry I didn't kill myself."
"Keep trying, I'm still good for that dollar." said Satan.
"Okay!" said the girl shooting herself repeatedly in the head.
"Dude...Sick. Oh man, that's gross." said Hitoriga. "Yuck, I just washed this robe."
"Don't worry. Blood stains come out." said Satan.
"What about brain stains?" asked Hitoriga.
"Um, I dunno. Probably with enough starch." said Satan. "I don't do much laundry."
"What's THAT building!" yelled a guy.
"That's a bagel shop!" said Satan happily.
MEANWHILE, ON THE TOASTED BUTTERNUT SQUASH OF A PLANET THAT I CALL RALPHIE
"This place smells like mildew." said Gene, flipping on the lightswitch for their familiar Heiphon base of operations. "And sulfur."
"Think it's the Sulfur Bandits?" said Aisha, terrified.
"I hope not!" said Gene. He ran to the living room and threw open the door. "Oh my god, it IS the Sulfur Bandits!"
Aisha and Suzuka followed him to the living room. It was horrible. Chairs, couches, and furniture alike were covered in nuggets of the sickly-smelling yellow mineral known as sulfur. It was scattered as a powder all over the floor, and little puffs of sulfur where descending on the room from the air conditioner. And for a finishing touch, 'THE SULFUR BANDITS' was written on the wall in bold letters with the yellow stuff.
"Damn those Sulfur Bandits!" said Suzuka, slamming her fist down on a table. "Damn them to he-Yuck! I got it on me! Sick!"
"Guess we'd better clean all this up." sighed Gene. "I'll take care of managing the operation. Aisha, Suzuka, put on your french maid outfits."
"SICK WEIRDO!" yelled Suzuka, drawing her sword.
"Wait, Suzuka!" said Aisha, grabbing her arm. "Think about this rationally. Why the heck shouldn't we put on french maid outfits?"
"Because it's the lamest fetish ever." said Suzuka. "Seriously."
"That may be so, but I think I'd look really cute in a french maid outfit!" said Aisha, striking a pose. "What do you think, Gene?"
"Actually, you don't have to. Your complexion is all wrong for a french maid outfit. Suzuka still can, but I think I'd rather see you in a cheerleading outfit." said Gene, rubbing his chin. "Let's go with dark green."
"Roger!" said Aisha, skipping off to her room to check her closet for the dark green cheerleading outfit she picked up at a flea market a while back.
"I'm still not wearing a french maid outfit." said Suzuka.
"C'mon, you want Aisha to notice your legs don't you? Your stupid robe kimono thing leaves way too much to the imagination." said Gene. "You're a female anime character, so start ACTING like one!"
"Fine, fine." said Suzuka. "I'll put on a stupid french maid outfit, but only because I want Aisha to notice my legs."
"What was that?" asked Gene, occupied with chipping chunks of sulfur out of the stereo.
"Ack!" said Suzuka. "Must've been a Freudian slip! Sorry!"
"What? I didn't even hear what you said." said Gene.
"Nothing! Really! Sunday!" said Suzuka, running out of the room. She stopped in her room and started changing into one of the many french maid outfits Gene bought her over the duration of them knowing each other. Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
"I'LL GET IT I'LL GET IT I'LL GET IT!" yelled Gene.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Aisha, diving out of her room and crashing down the stairs. She delivered a spinning kick to Gene, sending him to the floor. While he was down, she used her chance to open the door.
"I GOT IT!" she laughed triumphantly, swinging the door open.
"Hello there ma'am." said Jake the police officer. "Word around town is that this place has been hit by the Sulfur Bandits. That true?"
"Indeed it is." said Aisha.
"Can you show us to the crime scene, miss?" asked Jake, as he and his partner Barley entered the room.
"Sure can!" said Aisha happily, taking them to the living room. Barley and Jake surveyed the wreckage.
"Man, it looks like this place has been his with a tornado!" said Barley. "A SULFUR TORNADO!"
"Barley, be quiet." said Jake.
"I mean, I've heard how every dog has his day...but THIS is a nightmare!" said Barley.
"No, seriously. Shut up." said Jake.
"My pappy sold me to the injuns!" yelled Barley.
"Indeed." said Jake. "Well folks, I've got a proposition for you."
"My ears are open." said Gene, instantly appearing in the room with dollar signs in his eyes.
"You're retarded." said Jake. "But anyway, the Heiphon law enforcement agency has been trying to solve the Sulfur Bandits case for decades, decades, and more decades without any luck. Decades. If you guys can bring them to us alive we'll pay you a very generous sum of money for your work. Does 100,000,000 dollars sound good to you?"
"Heck yesit does!" said Gene. "Say no more, we'll do it!"
"Hey guys! Guess what! I just got back from killing the Sulfur Bandits!" said Suzuka happily, entering the room and carrying the severed heads of about 20 people. "Great huh? Now they'll never bother anyone again! I guess it's too bad for anyone looking to collect that 100,000,000 bounty on their heads, but oh well! Yay!"
"Suzuka, you need to die." said Gene.
"Well, our work is done here." said Jake. "Come along, Barley."
"See ya later, officers!" said Aisha.
"Ma'am, can I reccommend you have a little decency around government workers?" asked Jake, on the way out.
"What do you mean?" asked Aisha.
"You're naked." said Jake, pointing to her.
"Am I? I didn't even notice!" said Aisha brightly.
MEAN! TIME! WHAT THE HECK IS THIS "MEAN TIME"!
"Cubbuger?" asked Jukei.
"Nope. I'm thinking...BODRIAL." said Leilong with a smirk, and they high fived. They grabbed the newly acquired bodrial shower tape and popped it into the VCR.
"Man, this is sexy." said Hazanko as the film began to play. "Look at the way the soapy water washes down her body, along her perfectly crafted curves."
"It's like watching an angel." said Leilong, slack-jawed. "It's almost as though I could reach out and touch her."
"Hey guys." said Hamushi, entering the room.
"Hey." said Leilong, reaching out and touching her.
"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" said Hamushi. "Weirdo. And are you watching shower videos of me again? You sick sick perverted sickos."
"Yeah." said Hazanko. "You wanna watch?"
"Sure." said Hamushi, taking a seat next to Jukei. "Hey...I remember that shampoo!"
"We all remember that shampoo, sexy." said Leilong, breathing loudly and making strange pervert noises, including but not limited to wheezes and snorts.
"Hey Hamushi, what time is it?" asked Hazanko.
"Uh...4:30." said Hamushi, checking her clock.
"Whoa! It's already meeting time again!" said Hazanko, picking up his radio tranciever. "ALL HANDS EXCEPT FOR THE ONES THAT DON'T BELONG TO THE ANTEN SEVEN REPORT TO THE DEN IMMEDIATELY FOR IMPORTANT MEETING TIME!"
"Okay, hold it still! Steady, careful now!" said Tobeigera, guiding Kahn into the room as Kahn carried a well-progressed game of Risk in his arms. "Now put it down CAREFULLY! Don't knock any of the pieces over!"
"What's he gonna knock over?" asked Leilong, kicking the game out of Kahn's hands and sending the pieces flying.
"NOOOOOOOO!" sobbed Tobeigera.
"Well, everybody's here except for Iraga and Hanmyo." said Hazanko, counting on his fingers. "Where could those two be?"
"We're right here." said Iraga, sitting with Hanmyo on a different couch in the room. "We've been here the whole time."
"What! Does that mean that innocent Hanmyo has been exposed to our explicit and raunchy movies?" asked Hazanko, freaking out.
"Yeah, but it's really nothing I haven't seen before." said Hanmyo.
"I don't mean the Hamushi shower video, I mean the hardcore tentacle sex video we watched before that!" said Hazanko.
"Like I said, nothing I haven't seen before." said Hanmyo confidently.
"Um...Uh, okay." said Hazanko slowly. "ANYWAYS, we've got a busy meeting tonight so lets get right down to business! Folks, we are NOT managing our time properly!" He picked up the Risk game board. "Like this! WHAT IS THIS?"
"It's a lengthy, strategic game of world conquest." said Tobeigera. "It's mental complexity and deep level of gameplay still make it a classic after 2023 years in print."
"No. Wrong answer." said Hazanko. "It's a WASTE OF TIME. We're pirates, we should be out dominating and conquering things, not playing stupid board games! But your answer works too I suppose."
"Well what do you propose we do to solve this difficulty? Diffi diffi cult cult." said Kahn.
"Well, the truth is that stupid board games are the least of our worries. Our biggest time waster by far is..." said Hazanko before shutting himself up.
"What, what's our biggest time waster?" asked Leilong, a grin spreading over his face.
"I can't say it. I just can't you asshole. Like we both don't know what you jerks will do." said Hazanko.
"I honestly don't know what you're referring to." said Iraga innocently.
"Well...um...okay." said Hazanko. "Our biggest time waster around here by far is...is...Weeaboo. We have to stop with the Weeaboo or we'll never-"
"Weeaboo? Did somebody just say Weeaboo?" asked Jukei smugly. "Cause I think I just heard somebody say Weeaboo!"
"He said Weeaboo, alright!" said Hamushi, giggling. "WEEABOO! WEEABOO! WEEABOO!"
"WEEABOO! WEEABOO! WEEABOO! WEEABOO!" yelled everyone, jumping up and dancing around. "WEEABOO! WEEABOO!"
Hazanko sighed heavily and started banging his head on the wall.
ONCE AGAIN, DA STORY SHIFTS TO HELL! WHAT NEXT? WHAT NEXT? ORANGE CYBORGS? NEVER!
"Here's where you'll be staying." said Satan, opening the door to Hitoriga's apartment.
"Whoa, nice!" said Hitoriga, looking around the room. "Nice view, good rent, and a washing machine!"
"Actually, that's your bed." said Satan. "I hope you enjoy sleeping with the AGITATOR CYCLE ON! MUAHAHAHAHA!"
"Wait, if THAT'S the bed, then what's that!" yelled Hitoriga, pointing to a bed.
"That's your washing machine! Just TRY and clean your clothes with THAT!" laughed Satan evilly.
"That's horrible! You're really into the TORTURE thing here, aren't you? How am I going to clean my brainstained shirt now?" asked Hitoriga.
"Don't worry, there's a public laundromat just down the street." said Satan, pointing to his left. "Newbies here often have a hard time getting settled, so if you need anything just give me a buzz. Your roommate should be back soon. Later."
"Later Satan." said Hitoriga, as Satan teleported away in a ring of flames. "Nice guy, that Satan is."
"Dude, I'm home." said the same shaved head guy from the bus, walking in the door. He looked Hitoriga. "Well hey, if it isn't my good buddy from the train! How the hell are you, man!"
"Uh, I'm fine." said Hitoriga.
"Sick, dude. Man, I couldn't ask for a better roommate." said the shaved head guy. "Call me Toby."
"Toby? HAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Hitoriga. "That has to be the gayest name in existence."
"Hey man, shut up." said Toby.
"How long have you been here in hell for?" asked Hitoriga. He snickered. "...TOBY?"
"Over 2000 years." said Toby. "I used to a faggy-ass country singer, but hell messes you up big time man. I'm talking REALLY BIG TIME. I mean, look at me. I'm one fucked up guy, you know?"
"Um, sure. Whatever you say, man." said Hitoriga.
"But those days of torment are coming to an end, man." said Toby with a crazy look in his eye. "I'm gonna get us a way out, man. And you're coming with me."
"You are? And just how the hell are you going to do that?" asked Hitoriga. "You heard Satan. No way out."
"That's what he thinks, man." said Toby, his voice shaking and his breath rate creepily increasing. "But I GOT the messages, man. I know what I gotta do. But I need two people, and so you're just the guy I've been WAITING FOR MAN! TH-THEN WE'LL BE FREE! OHHH F-FUCK! I MISS YOU LACEY, BUT I'M COMING HOME! OH MY GOD IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE SNAKES, I...AAIIIIIAAGHHH!" Toby finished screaming, fell over and began shivering and talking too quickly for Hitoriga to decipher.
"...I think you need to seek help." said Hitoriga.
"NO man, that's where you're wrong!" yelled Toby, rising to his feet again, still shaking violently. "The fact is, I-I'm the sanest person here! They didn't GET the messages, man!"
"Alright, whatever." said Hitoriga. "Just tell me how to get out of here."
"Fire escape." said Toby, pointing to the window.
Hitoriga paused and stared at the window. "But wouldn't we just be...you know...outside the apartment building?"
"No, man. I seen it. People go out the fire escape and never come back. Either they reach safety...or they get destroyed. No one knows. Either way, it's better than staying here another day." said Toby solemnly.
"I think you're insane and that you should keep away from me." said Hitoriga. "Can you get restraining orders in hell?"
"Look man, I know how crazy this sounds." said Toby. "But you gotta believe me. You're a family man, aren't you? Don't you want to see your wife and kids again?"
"I don't have any wifes or kids." said Hitoriga.
"Good answer. Me neither." said Toby. "Well then, don't you want to get back out in the world and killing people again? I know I do."
"I must admit, the temptation is there." said Hitoriga. "But there's a lot more people to kill here, and it's often a lot funnier. I mean, I made you jump into a pit of lava! You should have heard your flesh sizzling, it was hilarious!"
"Dude, just shut up and climb out the fucking window. I'll give you 20 bucks and some of my skin magazines." said Toby.
"Well, okay." said Hitoriga. "But you gotta go first." And so, with one fond look back at their apartment-for-5-minutes, they climbed out the window and onto the fire escape thing.
AND NOW, A COMMERCIAL!
"Hello everyone! Susan here!" said Susan, waving to our viewers at home. "As a mother of zero, I know how hard it can be watching over other peoples annoying little kids! Let's watch this true clip from my life, circa two months ago!" She pushed a button on a small remote control and a screen rolled down from the ceiling. The lights dimmed and a movie began playing.
"Hey Susan, can you watch over Emily while I go vacationing in Bermuda this weekend?" asked a woman.
"Can't someone else take care of her? I'm awful with kids." said Susan.
"No one else wants to! I'm taking them all with me! You're the only one who's not coming! Pleeeease?" said the woman.
"Fine, if you're going to beg." said Susan.
"Can I trust you not to do anything weird?" asked the woman. "If you molest my daughter, I'll kill you."
"I'm homosexual, not a child molester!" said Susan angrily.
"There's a difference?" asked the woman. "Well see ya later! Have fun! When next you see me, I'll have a lovely tan and you won't!"
Susan pressed the button on the control to end the movie and retract the screen. "We've all had this happen to us. What's a self respecting woman to do? Actually watch over the kid? No way! We sell it on the black market! It's the only option, right? Wrong! It USED to be the only option, but now we have...BABYSITTERTRON!"
"BEEP BEEP. I AM PROGRAMMED TO SIT BABIES. BEEP." said BabySitterTron.
"Now now, I know what you're all thinking." said Susan. "You're thinking: 'Hey Susan, why are you so cool? God damn you look sexy in that sweater! I've never been so attracted to another woman so much in my life! Can I have your phone number? Or wait, forget it, can I just make out with you right now?' Well, I have answers to all those questions and mor-"
"Actually, that's not what I'm thinking at all." said some girl in the audience. "I'm thinking that that's BabyKillerTron from chapter 16 and you just changed some letters in his name."
"Nonsense!" said Susan. "BabySitterTron is so different from BabyKillerTron that it's ridiculous! That was a good thought though, you're a very creative person. Not to mention you have nice hips."
"You think so?" said the girl, blushing.
"Of course! And you have great curves, perfectly accentuated by your choice of dress, which is sexy without being trashy, and bold without being tacky." said Susan. "How about you and me get together after this stupid commercial thing for a little oral sex?"
"I'm proudly straight...But I don't think I can argue with someone so great, fair Susan." said the girl. "I'll be there."
"Score." whispered Susan under her breath.
"I still think he's BabyKillerTron." said some guy.
"BABYSITTERTRON HUG STUPID PUNY BABIES!" growled BabySitterTron.
"Exactly." said Susan. "If you can remember correctly, BabyKillerTron completely reformed at the end of chapter 16. He's harmless now, and easily employable as a babysitter! He doesn't even have it in his programming anymore to lay a finger on another human thing! Ain't that right, BabySitterTron?"
"IS IT OKAY IF I DON'T ANSWER THAT?" asked BabySitterTron.
"Of course it is!" laughed Susan. "Yep, if BabySitterTron was around when I babysat Emily...Well...She wouldn't be a sex slave distributed through the black market now, that's for sure! Call ME at (444)HOT-SUSN for more info on renting BabySitterTron!"
AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!
"Ah yes, come in, sit down." said Satan. "How are you feeling today, Helen?"
"Bad." said Helen, sitting down in a big puffy chair across from Satan's desk. "I haven't been able to stop doing drugs yet. I've been trying and trying to quit but I guess I'm just not strong or smart enough..."
"Now now Helen, don't feel so bad." said Satan. "I know from my time working with you that you're a very stong and intelligent person. You just need some time to sort things out with your personal life, so you can devote all of your attention to THIS problem."
"Really? So I should finally break up with my boyfriend?" asked Helen.
"I would. Your relationship isn't healthy, and I think it would be better for you as a person if you ended it." said Satan.
"Okay! Thank you so much, Satan!" said Susan, standing up. "You always know what to do! Thank you so much!"
"Think nothing of it. Feel free to take a piece of candy from my gargoyle-shaped candy dish on your way out. And remember Helen, you can talk to me about anything. That's why I'm here." said Satan.
"I won't forget it! Thank you Satan!" said Helen happily, leaving his office. 3 seconds later a man entered.
"Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt your volunteer work at the Troubled Teens Counseling Center, but we've got two guys trying to make an escape!" said the guy, an officer of some sort.
"Escapists, eh?" asked Satan, putting on his Satan robe of black evil. "They will regret trying to escape! I'll raise their rent 10bucksfor this!" He disappeared in a tornado of flame and reappeared a split second later in front of Hitoriga and Toby.
"Oh my god, It's Satan!" yelped Hitoriga.
"Yes, it is I." said Satan. "You two cannot escape. There is no way out."
"NO! OH MY GOD! FUCK!" yelled Toby.
"Wait! Calm down! I've got a plan!" said Hitoriga.
"What is it!" yelled Toby.
"We go out the exit door!" said Hitoriga, running to an exit door standing in the middle of nowhere.
"Hey! It's usually a lot darker around here so you can't find it that easily!" said Satan. "Curse those renovators!"
Hitoriga pushed open the door and ran through, pulling Toby through behind him and slamming it shut. "Dude! We did it! We escaped hell!"
"What's to celebrate?" asked Toby. "Satan will be coming through that door any second!"
"He can't. Satan can't cross realms. He'd have already taken over the universe right now if he could." reasoned Hitoriga.
"Makes sense to me." said Toby.
"But on a different note, where the hell are we?" asked Hitoriga, glancing around. The landscape was strange. There were large, yellowish crystals jutting out of the ground like glass, extending hundreds of feet about their heads. The sky was yellow and streaked with what looked like wires, and there was a huge tower in the distance. "What is this? This heaven or something?"
"No, man." whispered Toby, shivering. "I been here before. This is definitely not heaven."
"WHY DOST THOU RETURN?" asked a female vocie that seemed to echo all over the whole planet. "WHY DOST THOU RETURN?"
Hitoriga looked around, and finally understood. "Aw man, not THIS shit again." he moaned.
IT'S OVER!
And there we go, another chapter to cut out and paste in your stamp book to show your buddies. Collectable and tradable, that's what I was going for with this one. Oh, and funny. I tried against try to make it funny. I'm not really sure if I'm making complete or sensible senses right now. I mean sentences. I'm too lazy to go back and delete things, it's what makes me such a unique writer. Applebee.
Jet: I personally thought this chapter sucked the shit off the ballsof a guy who wipes his ass with his balls.
...I think you really need some help or something, Jet.