I've got to be the worst updater ever, but here's a surprise: This is the last chapter!
It's cliche, corny, and even includes an excerpt from another chapter (which, by the way, I had every intention of including at the end anway, lol) but it's done.
Thank you everyone for sticking with me on this story. It's helped me grow a lot, I think, and I've got so many more fics planned out. I had to end this one some time, and now seemed right. Thank you all so very, very much.
I hope you enjoy!
"I killed a man today." She stared, stone faced, at the blank wall before her. "I killed a man today and I'm not even sorry. I shot him, three times in the head." She blinked, trying to squeeze out the tears shooting through her soul. Beneath a shadow of her corn silk bangs, below the surface of her iridescent blue eyes, above the pit of the child inside her, and inside the depths of her tarnished dreams, a tear fell. It clenched her heart inside her spirit, never reaching the world.
----
The imprint of sweat remained ingrained in Ross's jeans, evidence of his anxiety. As she was in the interrogation room, he examined his hands with mock fascination as he tried insufficiently to push all regrets from his mind.
'If only I would have gotten there faster...I never should have left her alone. She can be charged with murder, but it was in her own defense. That bastard deserved to die after what he did to her, but still...now she'll have to deal with this her entire life. Our entire life.
Am I really thinking in terms of 'our' now? I mean, here we are in an L.A. police station, and I'm questioning the terms of our relationship. There it is again...our. It is our baby, our relationship, our life now.
But should it be our guilt?
There should be no guilt at all, come to think of it. This man caused her more grief than is ever allowed. But it's human to feel this guilt, I suppose. And it's human to forgive.'
Wringing his hands together, he wondered what brought him to this situation in the first place.
His brown eyes clouded over with fear and anguish, the result of an ill-fated combination.
'I couldn't have saved her, even if I wanted to! It's Rachel, damn it! This whole mess didn't even happen when I was around, it began a long time ago. But I could have been there to stop her from shooting him, and I wasn't. I was buying that damn crib for her. It's all for her, my life is for her now. And if she's charged for this, God only knows what will happen. I don't think I can handle it. This is such a fucking mess, and it's partly my fault. When the hell did our lives get so fucked up?'
Glancing at the vacant seats and empty faces surrounding him, Ross Geller learned what it was like to feel regret.
----
Rain pounded atop the roof.
Thunder roared in the distance as Rachel stepped out of the room. Two police officers followed behind her, shaking their heads in dismay.
She rushed over to him as he scooped her into his arms.
Finally, the tears came.
"Shhh," he whispered, stroking the back of her hair. "It's going to be okay."
"Ross," she gripped him around the middle, holding on to him with all her strength. "I killed him. K-killed him! I shot another human being. And I am sorry, I told them that I wasn't but I am, I am! I didn't want to kill him like he killed Jenna, not like that. He doesn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve anything. He didn't deserve to live and he didn't deserve to die. But I'm the one who did it, Ross. I killed someone."
What do you say to a woman then? Do you tell her it's going to be okay like you always have? Do you cry alone with her, letting go of whatever ounce of dignity you have left? Do you kiss her gently and tell her you love her no matter what?
All concrete thoughts fleeing his mind, Ross pulled away from her, holding her at an arm's length.
At that moment, he remembered the night he met her and her affirmation with faith. He smiled slightly at how innocent she had been, how innocent they both had been.
"Ross," she pleaded breathlessly. "What am I going to do?" Collapsing into a nearby chair, she reached out to the air around her with her arms, desperate to hold onto something.
He clasped her hand and looked straight into her eyes, drowning in her sorrow and love, the mix of her life.
"What's going to happen?"
Stroking her hand, he whispered into her ear. "It's all going to be okay."
----
Three Months Later
"Push, Rachel, you can do it!" Ross urged her on, sweating himself into a frenzy of nerves.
"No I can't, really. I need a break!" Matted hair against the pillow, she breathed in staggered gasps.
"Come on, Rachel," gritted Doctor Clemens. "A couple of more pushes should do it!"
Mere minutes later, newborn cries filled the room.
"Here she is!" Proclaimed the doctor. "Ten fingers, ten toes. All yours." She held up the baby for them to see before handing her to the nurse to clean the child off.
Sighing deeply, Rachel shut her eyes.
"You did it, sweetie." Ross smoothed back her hair. "You did it."
The last few months hadn't been easy, but they'd gotten by with the help of family and friends. Rachel wasn't charged with murder; it had been in her defense. But the guilt that racked her conscience was harder to rid of.
For now, though, they were happy.
For now, they were together.
"Okay, here she is!" Handing the wrapped baby to Rachel, Ross gasped.
He had a daughter.
"Oh my God, she's beautiful!" Tears streamed down Rachel's cheeks as she met her daughter for the first time.
"She looks just like you," mentioned Ross.
"Are you kidding? Her hair is dark like yours. And look at her mouth, that's totally yours, too! And her eyes..."
"She has your eyes," he softly whispered.
"You know," began Dr. Clemens, "the eye color of newborns tends to change as they age."
"No," Rachel shook her head firmly. "I think she'll have blue eyes."
"Well, it is possible," Dr. Clemens gave in. As the nurses left the room, Dr. Clemens edged over to the bed. "I just want to congratulate you two. In the short time I've known you both, you've been through so much. You truly deserve this baby."
"Thank you," Rachel blushed as she focused her attention on her new daughter, toying with her small fingers and stroking her button nose.
"Does she have a name yet?"
Ross coughed. "Well, uh..."
"We haven't really talked about it yet," she finished.
"Oh, I see. Well, I'll be back in a few minutes. A nurse should be here to do some routine things, but we'll give you two a minute."
"God, she's gorgeous..."
Tears streamed down Rachel's cheeks. "She is. And she's mine. Ours, I mean. But she's the baby that I never got to have before. And now...now she's here. I honestly never thought that I'd see this day, Ross." Kissing her daughter's forehead, a thought struck her. "Ross, you didn't get to hold her yet!"
"Oh. Yeah. I didn't." He didn't want to say it, but he was terrified to hold his own baby.
"Here," she lifted her arms up. Upon seeing his wide eyed terror, she giggled. "Just support her head. She doesn't bite."
And then she was there, in his arms. He exhaled deeply. Hairs on his arms rose, but the small bundle was able to warm him. Inside the pink blanket, she whimpered. "Shh, Amanda..."
"Amanda? Did you just call her Amanda?"
Blushing, Ross peered into the pile of blankets. "Uh...yeah."
"Mind if I ask why?" Laughed Rachel.
"Uh, I don't really know why. It just...came out. You know, back when I first found out we were having a baby, I looked at a long list of names. I know it's really common and everything, but I really liked the meaning."
"What would that be?"
"Love, or one who is loved," he said simply.
"I like it."
"Really?"
"Really," she grinned. "I think it fits her."
"Well, hi, Amanda," he whispered to her. "I'm your daddy."
He reached into her blankets and was surprised at her grip, and at the perfect way her tiny finger wrapped around his large one.
The doctor re-entered, followed by Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe.
"I brought some visitors," she smiled.
"Hey, guys," Rachel smiled. "This is Amanda."
A chorus of 'Hi Amandas' and 'Awws' rang through the air.
"Can I hold her?" Asked Monica.
Rather reluctantly, Ross handed her over.
"Oh, relax, you'll get to see her every day for the rest of your life practically!"
"Well, sometimes it's hard for new parents to part with their babies. They see so much of themselves in the child's eyes that it's almost like losing a part of their own spirit."
"Wow, that's...deep," added Joey. "And who are you?"
She laughed. "I'm Doctor Clemens, I delivered Amanda."
"Oh, okay. I guess you'd know."
As the others crowded around the baby, Ross made his way back over to Rachel. "Hey, how are you feeling?"
"Better," she smiled. "Much better."
"I wanted to do this in private, or I at least wanted to find a perfect way or time to do this in...but I couldn't. Each time I wanted to ask you, something came up. And half the time I couldn't work up my nerves to do it, so...here it goes." He pulled a small box from his pocket as she gasped. "I've never done this before, so I'm a little nervous. I don't have a speech prepared or anything. But you...you make me happier then I ever have been in my entire life. Before I met you, nothing was right. Granted, a lot has happened that hasn't been happy, but the important thing is that we made it through. We're going to make it through. So...I only have one question left for you and I think you know what it is. Will you?"
Tearfully, she reached into his arms and folded herself up within him. Kissing the base of his neck and then his lips, she locked her eyes with his. "I think you know the answer."
"Ummm...really, you may just want to tell me yes or no."
"Well," she playfully swatted his nose. "You didn't exactly tell me the question."
"Oh."
"So you can go first."
He took a deep breath. "Okay, Rach, will you marry me?"
"If I was going to say no, you know, we wouldn't have had to redo this."
"I thought you were giving me a definite answer this time!"
"I did!"
"No, c'mon. Just tell me yes or no."
"Are we really the yes or no type of couple, Ross?"
"Huh?"
"Really, we're not exactly the type of people that do things easily, are we? We're not black or white, yes or no. We're like all of the shades of the rainbow and absolutely."
"I'm going to hide the ring," he joked.
"I didn't get to even give you my answer!"
"Okay, okay." He reached for her hand, grinning like a fool. "Yes or no?"
"Absolutely."
----
Four Years Later
"Amanda, come here, sweetie!" Rachel called out to her four year old daughter.
"What, Mommy?" She whined, brushing her brown locks from her crystal blue eyes.
"Did you clean out your toy box yet?"
"No," she pouted. "Tell me again why I gotta give 'way all my toys."
"You're not giving them away, Manda, you're giving them a new home. Riley will be able to play with your toys soon, so we're moving them to his room," she said, referring to their six month old son.
"Fine," she shuffled her tiny feet against the shiny wooden floors of their large Scarsdale home. "But whenever Brooke comes to play with me, can we play with the toys? Cause Auntie Monica said that Brookie is younger than me so I can share my old toys with her, too."
"She did, did she?" Rachel raised her eyebrows. Brooke was Monica and Chandler's three year old daughter. Adorable, she was, but she had the most mischievous demeanor. The last time Brooke had been over to play, they decided to "paint" Amanda's room rainbow colored with a new box of crayons. "Well, maybe next time you can go play at Brooke's house. I think I remember hearing Auntie Monica say that she wanted to paint Brooke's room. Why don't you look for the crayons, Manda?"
"Kay, Mommy! When will Daddy be home?"
"About thirty minutes ago," she muttered. Facing her daughter, she smiled. "Any time now, sweetie."
Gripping the baby monitor in her hand, she flopped down on the couch. "Ross, where are you?" she groaned.
As if on cue, he burst through the door. "Hey, I'm home."
Without even moving from her perch on the couch, Rachel waved to him. "You're late. Again."
"Sorry, sweetie," he walked over to her, kissing up her arms.
"Why were you late?"
"I had to stay a little later at the office."
"More dinosaur bones to assemble?" She made a stab at a joke.
"Yeah. How are the kids?"
"The usual. Riley is asleep, Manda is cleaning out her toy box."
"Monica called, Brooke wants to come play tomorrow."
"Can they do it at her house? The painters just finished repainting Manda's room," sighed Rachel.
"Yeah, I'll call her."
"Ugh," she groaned.
"Did I miss something?"
"No," she shook her head. "I've just had a hard day, that's all. And I sort of hoped you'd make it home on time tonight. I just needed some comforting or something." Laughing somewhat bitterly, Rachel brushed tears away from her eyes. "It sounds really selfish when I say it out loud, but I feel like you don't love me as much anymore. I mean, you work all the time, and I'm always here with the kids. We never have any time to ourselves anymore, it seems."
"Aw, Rach," he rubbed her back as she folded back into him, becoming as much a part of him as she was herself. "You'll never know how much I love you."
"Say more things like that," she sighed contentedly, feeling safe and happy.
"You're beautiful and strong. You're loving, Rach, the most loving person I know. From the moment I saw you, I knew you were special. I love how you are with Manda and Riley, how you are with everyone."
"Okay, you can stop now if you want."
"No, I mean all of it, Rach. And I'll stop working late, it's just been hard lately, with the kids and the house and everything."
She sat up, facing him. "Do you remember what you said to me when we left the police station that one day?"
He combed his memories. "I think I told you that I loved you and that you were beautiful."
Rachel shook her head. "No, you told me that we were going to be okay, we'd make it through no matter what."
"I did?" He grinned. "Wow, that was good."
"Yeah, it surprised me too," she joked. "But seriously, I think it applies to this, too. To everything. I'm just being selfish and I want you all to myself all of the time."
Stroking her leg suggestively, he smirked. "That doesn't have to be a problem, you know..."
"Ross," she moaned. "The kids are here!" She made no attempt to pull away.
"They're still young enough not to understand." He raised an eyebrow.
Upon seeing this, she grabbed his hand and led him up the stairs to their room where they made love.
When it was almost over, her eyes locked with his. "I love you."
Breathlessly, he smiled. "Me too."
"Ever since the day I met you."
"I know."
In a blur of sound, color, and passion, it was over. She kissed the top of his head as both their eyes closed and their breathing became in unison. "No, really. It was like love at first sight."
Fin
----
Thank you!
Mel :)