Authors Note : Thanks for your continuing support.

Chapter 9

Carter emerged onto the roof and sighed, the night air was cold and crisp. He looked around until he spotted a lone figure gazing out at the sprawling city beyond. He walked up to and stood alongside her almost silently, putting a hand comfortingly on her shoulder, she flinched slightly but didn't shrug him off.

"I'm sorry" he whispered

"It wasn't you" She sniffed. "What you said didn't help, but that wasn't it"

"Oh?" he said confused

"Thanks for the apology though"

"You're welcome"

"I thought you were a bit harsh, truthful maybe, but harsh" she told him honestly

"I was out of order. So if it wasn't me, what was it?"

"I lost a patient, a little girl"

"From the MVA earlier?"

"No" she pouted, sighed and continued "That little girl is stable after surgery"

"That's good"

"Yeah"

"So what patient are you talking about then?" he asked gently as his fingers kneaded her shoulder, despite the fact she told him that he hadn't upset her, he knew her well enough to know that he had.

"Oh, well, she was four; they brought her in because she was dying. It was just so much more painful watching her and her family. Knowing there was nothing that I could do to make it better. Imagining how I would feel in their situation, thinking of Michael"

They stood there in silence, but the tension from the past week or two had gone.

"Who looks after Michael when day care's shut?" Carter asked thinking changing the subject might help.

"I have a sitter"

"She good?"

"I was careful who I chose Carter. Weaver recommended her actually, but I still checked out her resume and references well" she paused for a few moments before adding "But you're right"

"About what? I didn't say anything about your patient"

"Not about my patient. About me, being self sufficient"

"Oh that. I shouldn't have mentioned it, even if it was to Luka"

"It's true isn't it? If I'm not here for me then who is there? I can't rely on Maggie or Eric, not completely"

"There's your friends' me, Susan. Luka, Neela and you seem quite chummy with Ray"

She turned and looked at him smiling a little and said "Jealous?"

"About what? Jerry said you were unattached" he returned the smile and admitted "I was a bit jealous, that day when Ray was holding Michael. I mean it should have been me; you looked so cosy when you returned and took Michael back. You'll never know how much I wish I'd read those letters, things would be different now. I wouldn't feel like an outsider trying to earn his way in"

"You're here now. That's what matters" she said quietly and he felt pleasantly surprised. "I'm sorry too" she added

"For what?"

"The other night, I said things I could have worded much better than I did"

"It doesn't matter now. I've been thinking a lot since you said I should" he told her quietly

"When do you do things other people think you should?"

He gave a dry laugh "Well you got me thinking anyway and I care about you I always have whatever opinion you might have about it. I only had your best interests at heart…."

"I know, I know you meant well but you can't come barging back into my life wanting to change everything to suit you"

"I know I'm sorry, but you have to start to let me in too" he gently persisted

"It's just not easy, I've been doing things on my own for so long, some things are harder to change than others"

"I noticed that you're not smoking up here" he commented

"Mmm well I gave up when I was pregnant"

"And haven't wanted to since?" he asked

She laughed wryly "It's like the drinking you know. Sometimes you have to fight the urge, but you do because you know you just can't go back to how you were before"

"I'm proud of you" he told her and she turned and looked at him and he added "I wanted to fix you, but you had to respect yourself enough to do it for yourself"

"When you left the first time it showed me what a rut my life had become, a wake up call if you like"

"To say I was surprised when you went back to med school was an understatement. I thought you should do it, but actually you making the choice and doing it was totally different. It was a good surprise though, probably better than the one I gave you"

"Yeah. I wanted to run away and hide, my usual trick"

"You didn't"

"Nope"

They studied each other for a while, having a better understanding of the situation they were both in.

"Shall we start again? I mean not pretend the last couple of weeks haven't happened but try to deal with it like two adults" she suggested.

"That's the best idea either of us has had all day" he replied. She smiled at him and he added "There's just one thing, Luka said Michaels' had an operation"

"Oh that. I wondered when someone would tell you before I had the chance"

"Luka didn't tell me he said I was to ask you"

"Come round to dinner tomorrow night, probably be only pizza"

"I'll bring it with me if you like" he offered

"Sounds good"

"Seven?"

"Thirty" she clarified.

"Okay" Carter looked down at his flashing pager and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger "Work calls, don't stay here too long, promise?"

"Yeah" she muttered "Not too long" before turning back to the Chicago skyline.