Previously in "I am the Tower Around Which You Orbited"

"Good to know." Lorelai turned back to her daughter, who was coming out of the car.

"This is amazing! Thank you so much." She hugged each of her grandparents in turn. I looked on from beyond the family, and I came to a realization.

Chapter Twenty-eight: A man destined to hang can never drown

I rubbed Rory's back slightly. She was cold, despite the house being filled with many warm bodies. She was deep in conversation with Lane, who was sitting on Dave's lap. Paris and Jamie were in between Rory & me and Lane & Dave. Madeline and Louise were somewhere else with whomever they had brought as dates. I had to admit, Lorelai certainly could throw a party.

The song changed to the Ramones and suddenly, so did Rory and Lane's conversation. Dave, of course, had to jump in, as it was a music talk. I was getting dizzy looking from one girl to the next arguing about punk rock. I tapped Rory lightly on the shoulder and she shifted so that I could get up.

I walked to the kitchen and out the back door. I remembered the welcoming dinner Lorelai had thrown for me my first week in Star's Hollow. Leaning over the wooden railing, I took a deep breath. I had come to love the fresh air of suburbia, although I wasn't sure if I preferred it to the excitement of New York City. I wanted to run away to the comfort of being another faceless, hopeless teenager in a big city. I couldn't do that anymore. I was somebody to someone. Unfortunately, that someone was wrong.

I heard the door swing open. The music got louder and then quieter quickly. I felt Rory's hands slide around my waist. I turned to face her and kissed her gently. She stroked my hair. "What's up with you tonight? This is a happy moment. No more high school."

"Yeah," I said deadpan.

"Jess…"

"Music's loud."

"That's not it," she said, looking my face over.

"Maybe it is, you can't be sure," I snapped. She looked taken aback. "I'm sorry. I'm just… out of it."

"What is going on?"

"I'm just tired, Rory. I guess 12 years of schooling has finally caught up with me," I lied.

"No, really. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You don't still feel bad about missing my graduation, do you? It's really not that big of a deal."

"Rory, that's not it." I pulled from her hold and faced away from the house. A cold breeze jostled the leaves and whipped against my face. "I just… I have a lot of thinking to do."

"Well, I think everyone does. We're just going through this huge transition and I think it would be better if you and I supported each other through this." I turned to kiss her, and her warm lips brushed against mine in ecstasy. I turned back to the trees, looking over the darkened land.

"I know," I whispered.

"So you say you've got thinking to do?"

"It's something really big, and I don't know what to do. It's all I can think about. And I've done a lot of thinking about it already, and none of it makes sense but…"

"None of what? Jess," she pulled my arm so that I would face her, "what are you talking about?" I just looked at her sadly, and gave her a kiss.

"I've just been thinking about something."

"What?" When she saw that I had averted my eyes yet again, she persisted. "Jess, talk to me. Please. Just tell me what's happening."

"I don't know what is happening, Rory. That's what I've been thinking about. What is happening here?"

"Are you… breaking up with me?" I saw several different waves of shock fly across her face. Tears came to her eyes when I didn't answer. "Jess?" I couldn't look at her. Her voice rose about an octave as she fought back tears. "Jess, talk to me, please."

"It's only for a while, Rory. I just need time to think about us."

"What's there to think about? We're us. We're happy together, and you want to get rid of that?"

"It's just that… nobody wants us to be together, everyone has to say something. You're going to Yale, Rory. You're going to Yale and I'm just going. You have this big important life and maybe I'm just in the way of it."

"How can you say this? You're the biggest part of my life." I said nothing. She paused, took a deep breath and said, "I love you, Jess."

"I know."

"Then why are you doing this? You told me you loved me. You told me once that I was the first person you ever told that you loved. And you're just going to turn your back on that?"

"Rory, I'm not the person that you know. I've hidden a lot from you. You deserve somebody better than me, and we both know it."

"No I don't. We deserve each other. We have each other. I know I love you, but I'm suddenly shaky on whether or not that's mutual."

"I'm not the person you should be with."

"And who should I be with? Dean?"

"Maybe." Her cheeks were wet and I wanted to hold her so close that it would hurt.

"Who are you?"

"Don't do that."

"Don't do that? Don't do that? You're the one who's breaking up with me, so don't tell me what not to do." I grabbed her and hugged her tightly, stroking her hair lightly, and she sobbed into my shoulder. "What am I supposed to do without you?" she murmured.

"Live. Be happy. Get what you deserve to have."

"Stop saying that. Just stop." I kissed the top of her head and her body shuddered with more sobs.

"Rory," I whispered into her ear. "Like I said, I need to do some thinking. As soon as I sort out what's going through my mind, I'll come find you. We're not breaking up, and I still love you. I always will. We're just going on hiatus. You're going to Europe all summer, and I'm going to take a little road trip. When I get back, I will find you. I promise."

"You promise?"

"Yes."

"Where will you go?"

"Everywhere. Somewhere else. I'm not sure yet. All I know is that I'll be thinking about you the whole time and as soon as I get my mind sorted out, I will come and find you, I swear."

"When will you be back?"

"I don't know."

"How will I know how long to wait for you?"

"I don't know." She pulled out of my grasp and looking up at me. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were soaked. I wiped away some of the tears and smiled lightly.

"When are you leaving?"

"Tonight," I said. She let go of my hands and nodded, her pink nose flaring a little bit. I blinked away some of my tears. I wanted to kiss her good-bye, but if I did, everything would go wrong.

Everything was already wrong. "'Bye, Jess," she said under her breath as I turned away and walked down the steps. I started to run as soon as I could no longer hear the music, with tears streaming down my face. I found my car, which had all of my stuff packed into it. I put the key into the ignition, but failed to turn it. I broke down. Tears streamed down my face as I looked at the road ahead of me. I collected myself, turned the key, and rolled away. I had left a note for Luke, thanking him. As I left Stars Hollow, I looked back one last time.

"Good-bye, Rory," I whispered to no one in particular. I turned back to the road and drove.

THE END of I am the Tower Around Which You Orbited
a Gilmore Girls fanfiction by skazumbi, the loveli