Chapter 12 -=- I don't want to feel you anymore

-Hyperion -=- Dawn's room-

Angel tossed and turned in another night of restless sleep. He awoke in a cold sweat to the sound of a snoring Dawn and a snoring Faith next door. He remembered Buffy's offer that if they came back to go to her room. Angel looked at the small clock that read 2:00 am. He thought to himself, 'She had to be asleep.' He figured he could just climb into bed with Buffy without her even noticing. He walked out of Dawn's room quietly and walked ot Buffy's room. The bed was still made and her scent barely lingered in the room. He took into consideration of just sleeping there but he knew he had to check on Buffy. He slowly made his way to the top of the stairs.

Downstairs on the couch sat a crying Buffy.It seemed like she had been crying for hours. She was just wiping away the tears as she stood. It looked like she was trying to make her way to the kitchen. She must of tripped on the blanket she still had wrapped around her. She was about to hit the ground when someone caught her. She stared up and her eyes met with those of her Angel. He held her like that for a little while until he finally lifted her back to her feet. Buffy quickly turned away wiping her eyes as much as possible.

Angel tried to comfort her, "Shhh...It's okay. Come on Buffy, why were you crying?"

Buffy just turned to stare at him. She fell into his chest right there and started crying again...even more so then before. "It's just so hard. I don't want to be the leader, I don't want to feel your dreams, I don't want to feel you guys happy, I don't want to go to war soon, I don't want to deal with any of this. I want to be happy, I just can't handle all this myself."

Buffy continued just sobbing reasons of why she couldn't handle herself anymore. Angel just held her, almost crying himself. Sometimes after a fight like this he would forget how fragile this girl really is. She was so young, so innocent to be pushed into a world she had to handle all by herself. He cursed himself for ever letting this girl go, there was no way he could let her go again. It was then he made his decision, Buffy was his one and only. He stroked Buffy's hair and then all of a sudden his blonde slayer went still. She stared him in the eyes and then pulled away, "I'm so sorry Angel. I didn't mean to do any of this. I thought everyone was sleeping, I mean I could feel your dreams..."

Angel walked to her again, "You never have to be sorry. I'm always here for you Buffy. Plus with how much you feel, you need to let it out once in a while."

"Try everynight when people sleep." Buffy smiled a little and then she heard the teapot. She walked towards the kitchen knowing Angel would follow her. "You want some tea? I know Dawn can be a little loud."

Angel laughed a little, "Her and Faith near each other should never happen."

Buffy smiled a little while handing a cup of tea to Angel. They sat by each other at the table. "So that's why you couldn't sleep?"

Angel did that little half smile thing, "You and I both know I don't sleep well."

Buffy smiled. "You do that a lot now. You're happy a lot more then you used to be."

Angel nodded, "Some things just go right sometimes."

Buffy smiled, "It shows." There was a small silence. "So what have you been up to Angel? I mean we haven't really talked to each other about anything without crying."

Angel nodded, "I don't know. I had a kid, I had to sing, almost killed Wesley..."

Buffy sighed, "So how did Darla come back anyway? I mean I saw you totally stake her the first time."

Angel half smiled that smile that just makes Buffy melt, "Long story short, W&H brought her back, Drusilla turned her back into a vampire..."

"So that's why Drusilla came back to Sunnydale for Spike. The whole family thing."

Angel nodded and continued after a sip of his tea, "Anyway then I was in a really bad place for a long time, really dark and I slept with Darla. A few months later Darla comes back pregnant with Conner and she stakes herself for him. He get's sent to hell by one of my old enemies and then he came back trying to kill me. I tried to earase all the memories of him but the spell was broken and he remembers everything."

"Can I meet him?" Buffy asks simply

Angel smiled a full smile, "Of course."

"What is it with you and your family and hell?"

"In my defense, you stabbed me with the sword."

"In my defense you were evil. That's what i mean though, Drusilla's your family and she's so nutso about hell. The master was too. Now you and your son. Get's kind of wierd."

"I see what you mean."

"So how old is Conner now?"

"18, going to colledge soon. His parents are okay, I checked them out."

"I knew you would. I don't blame you with Darla you know. Never feel guilty about that again. You got your son out of it and plus I know how you felt. I was in a dark place for like 9 months and I was around Spike a lot."

"That still wierds me out. You and Spike."

"Well for a while there, when I came back he treated me like I was real. He was the only one who made me feel real. Just eventually I needed to feel physically real. Plus he'll do almost anything for me. Feels good to feel wanted at a time like that."

Angel nodded, "You could of come to me."

Buffy sighed, "The same way that you came to me. You wanted us out of each others worlds for a while. I guess three years still wasn't long enough to control ourselves since neither of us barely talked to each other."

"Buffy I didn't want you out of my life. I just knew we couldn't be together..."

"Yes Angel I know. Big speech."

"Sorry."

"It's okay. I'm always okay."

Angel went to kneel in front of her, "You don't always have to be okay. You're human Buffy, you're aloud to feel pressure and everything else a human does."

"See that's it actually. I don't get to feel all that. I have girls lives at my hand every single day of my life. Right now I have Willow and Giles' life on my hands all because I wanted to stay in my happy land. I'm a slayer, I know not the only one but they still look to me for everything. They don't go to Faith, they come to me. I can't turn away because it's what I'm here for. I'm not here for a life, I'm not here for love and I'm not here for happiyness. I live, i fight and i die. You told me once and now i remember, we belong to the world. You just found a way to love someone else and still fight. I'm happy for you."

Buffy was crying again. She stood and walked to the stairs as fast as she could. She started hopping the stairs two at a time. Her stealthy storm out wasn't turning out too well. Spike was at the top of the stairs all of a sudden. I guess he could hear the sobbing from his room. Angel was not far behind Buffy but Spike made it to her first. He picked her up swiftly ignoring the growl from Angel. Spike carried her to her room and laid her down on the bed still crying. Before Angel could get there Spike was outside Buffy's closed door.

"What did you do peaches?" Spike questioned

"We were talking. I promise."

"Remember i warned you Angel."

"Just get out of my way so I can fix this."

"You better."

Spike stepped out of the way as Angel walked into his old room. Angel closed the door behind him as he walked towards a shaking Buffy. He put his hands on top of her shoulders and she suddenly stopped shivering. Funny how a freezing cold person can do that.

"Look Buffy, you can't blame yourself for Giles and Willow. After all you've been through maybe being safe is all you want. No one blames you. It's the price of a leader. You make wrong decisions and people die. If they want you as their leader they accept that."

Buffy turned towards him with tear stained eyes and cheeks, "They don't want me. Do you know what it's like to have your sister look you in the eye and kick you out of your own house because you made a wrong decision? They all picked Faith because I made the hard decisions. Willow...Giles...Dawn...Xander...They picked Faith to lead because I made a mistake and now they expect me to be perfect...I'm just someone to blame if a plan goes wrong! It's like they don't even remember."

"I got used to it though. I got used to everyone being normal but me. Spike said I was a creature of darkness one time and I guess he's right. Willow has a girlfriend, Faith had a boyfriend and I'm pretty sure she's screwing Spike already, Dawn even has this boyfriend at colledge, Xander dates but not much after Anya but at least he's still living, Giles actually almost re married and all the girls have all these people and lovers in their lives. I have no one! The last time I tried true love it broke, he thought it was best for me because then I'd be normal."

Angel grabbed Buffy and held her close to him, "Listen to me Buffy, every word. You are normal okay. You're just really strong to take on all these sacrifices that shouldn't be made by you. You're the strongest woman I know. Stop thinking about what everyone thinks about how you act. It's your turn to live your life Buffy. You're only 23, go back to school...or work. You'll find someone someday too, someone worthy of what you carry inside you."

Buffy backed away from him and stared him in the eye. Her tears still falling like rain, "You don't get it. I can't love anyone else. Do you know how much it hurts to feel how happy you are with Cordelia? Do you know how much it hurts to see your life working out? I am so happy for you, I really am but honestly I don't think I can be this close to you right now. Please Angel...just leave."

Angel hesitated for a few seconds until he saw Buffy lie down and turn away from him. He petted her hair and whispered "I love you." He walked out the door only to run into Spike as he was closing the door. Spike stood there and tried to resist hitting Angel in the nose for Buffy's sake.

"Listen Angel, it's 3:00 am. Let's do this fast, I got a girl who wants to sleep with me."

Faith yelled just loud enough for them to hear, "You actually wanted to sleep with me."

Spike waved her off and guided a sighing Angel down the stairs to the main room, "Alright Angel, Have you decided wheather it's Cordy or Buffy?"

"Yea, I couldn't live without her, not again."

"Ah, which one are you talking about?"

"Bu..."

At that moment Cordelia walked through the door. "Wow planes accross the country are hard to catch."

Angel went running to Cordelia grasping her in a big hug. Spike whispered, "Son Of A Bitch." Before Angel could even say anything Spike was already headed up stairs. "I swear Angel, 100 years of torture. So you have your happy little moment while I take care of your mess."

Angel hadn't even let go of Cordelia yet somehow not caring about what Spike said. "Yes Angel, missed you too. Now what mess did you make?"

Angel was brought back to reality and remembered everything Spike said. He made his way to the couch, "Welcome back Cordelia!"

Upstairs Buffy cried even harder feeling the happiness flow through Angel's un beating heart. Even as Spike held her she cried and cried whispering only one thing, "I wish I hadn't taken the magic. I wish I hadn't taken the magic."

A/N -=- I know I brought Cordy back (Ewwwww) But she will die and Angel and buffy will be together. I'm thinking of evil ways to have Cordelia tortured right now! Sorry if you like Cordelia at all but I hate her with everything I have! Hey does it piss everyone else off that I can't tabe the quotes in? It won't let me move the quotes away from the margin! One more thing I apologize for the next chapter! You're all going to hate me but it works with the story!