Diary of a Murderer
Chapter 3 - Out of Mind, Not Happening Over My Dead Body
Hello.
I suppose a g-o-o-d afternoon would suffice but I refuse to use the word g- o-o-d in any of today's sentences. It has been anything but g-o-o-d. I think I am going barmy. No one to talk to all day and nothing to do but eat cheese and crackers and perform silly tricks for Percy. This whole tirade is beginning to bore me. Perhaps I should have stayed and joined Sirius in Azkaban. That way I have a real excuse for why I am going crazy.
And then we go through the whole 'I deserve it and probably worse' regime. Living out life as a rat certainly is not interesting, I must say.
On with my story. I must get this out into this journal before I convince myself not to. There are so many doubts running through my head as to whether or not I should write the horrible truth that I have started convincing myself that the journal has a mind of it's own and will hurt me just so I don't start convincing myself I shouldn't write.
I have a terrible problem with authority and leadership. It's not how you think. I am not some fabulous, heroic rebel who hates father figures and cringes when someone else tells me what to do. Actually that's a lie. I do cringe when someone tells me what to do, but not because I don't want to do it. It's more because I want to do it but don't want to look a fool.
Never having a father figure in my earlier life is what I blame. My mother was, well, to put it nicely, a whore. She sold herself to pay for my tuition. I should have been grateful for the things she gave up for me, but I wasn't. I despised her. Almost as much as I despise cheese but we've been through that.
She was a common tart who couldn't be the authority figure I needed. So at Hogwarts, I thrived on authority figures. Figures such as James, Sirius and Remus, the three most respected pupils in the student body. And I was recognized as their sidekick...their friend.
Truthfully, I was their friend. I liked them a great deal. They had the most authority among students than anyone else in the school. And girls wanted to be around them. If there was ever a reason to be friends with James, Sirius and Remus, it was the girls that threw themselves at you just to be in their presence.
Of course the novelty wore off. Girls came and went. I lived in awe of the other three, trying desperately to be more like them. Some called me a try hard. Some called me a kiss up. But they called me a friend and that was all I needed. Or that's what I thought.
Soon, as we got older, the other boys took more notice of the girls throwing themselves at them. They began to enjoy female company and I found it very hard to adjust to that. Convinced it was just a 'faze' I ignored it. What is it they say? Out of sight, out of mind? Well it was more a case of 'out of mind, not happening over my dead body'. I refused to accept the fact that they were placing me with female company.
Okay, maybe they weren't replacing me, more like just taking an interest where I was not. But that's what it felt like to me. And not to mention I despised James' new replacement. Lily Evans.
Tall redhead with amazingly green eyes. I wouldn't know. Never looked that close. But James obviously did because those eyes were all he ever talked about. And that was only in his second year. True there were many more girlfriends to come but I don't think he ever stopped fancying Lily during that time. Ever.
Sometimes I wonder how I ever got through that low period in my life. How?
I spent my holidays with James at his home. Actually it was more of a mansion and as soon as I entered the gate I was doe-eyed for the rest of the summer. The fact is, I'd never seen a place with a walk in letterbox.
Ok, it wasn't exactly walk in but it was pretty large.
I spent every holiday at James'. I refused to see my mother any more than was necessary and that was usually only when she wanted to give me all the money she had 'worked for' since she had last seen me.
Sirius never invited us over to his house, mostly opting to stay with James. The fact was that all of his family were 'dark'. A bit like me I suppose. Lucius Malfoy's kind of people. My kind of people though I didn't know it at that time. In fact, no one did.
I am tired now. Enough writing tonight. I think I may have voiced some very deep inner feelings that I hadn't even thought of before. Perhaps I will write more tomorrow. Probably not. I need to think over things some more.
Wormtail.
"I've never seen a place with a walk in letterbox" – The Simpson's, Larry (Burns' son)
***
Chapter 3 - Out of Mind, Not Happening Over My Dead Body
Hello.
I suppose a g-o-o-d afternoon would suffice but I refuse to use the word g- o-o-d in any of today's sentences. It has been anything but g-o-o-d. I think I am going barmy. No one to talk to all day and nothing to do but eat cheese and crackers and perform silly tricks for Percy. This whole tirade is beginning to bore me. Perhaps I should have stayed and joined Sirius in Azkaban. That way I have a real excuse for why I am going crazy.
And then we go through the whole 'I deserve it and probably worse' regime. Living out life as a rat certainly is not interesting, I must say.
On with my story. I must get this out into this journal before I convince myself not to. There are so many doubts running through my head as to whether or not I should write the horrible truth that I have started convincing myself that the journal has a mind of it's own and will hurt me just so I don't start convincing myself I shouldn't write.
I have a terrible problem with authority and leadership. It's not how you think. I am not some fabulous, heroic rebel who hates father figures and cringes when someone else tells me what to do. Actually that's a lie. I do cringe when someone tells me what to do, but not because I don't want to do it. It's more because I want to do it but don't want to look a fool.
Never having a father figure in my earlier life is what I blame. My mother was, well, to put it nicely, a whore. She sold herself to pay for my tuition. I should have been grateful for the things she gave up for me, but I wasn't. I despised her. Almost as much as I despise cheese but we've been through that.
She was a common tart who couldn't be the authority figure I needed. So at Hogwarts, I thrived on authority figures. Figures such as James, Sirius and Remus, the three most respected pupils in the student body. And I was recognized as their sidekick...their friend.
Truthfully, I was their friend. I liked them a great deal. They had the most authority among students than anyone else in the school. And girls wanted to be around them. If there was ever a reason to be friends with James, Sirius and Remus, it was the girls that threw themselves at you just to be in their presence.
Of course the novelty wore off. Girls came and went. I lived in awe of the other three, trying desperately to be more like them. Some called me a try hard. Some called me a kiss up. But they called me a friend and that was all I needed. Or that's what I thought.
Soon, as we got older, the other boys took more notice of the girls throwing themselves at them. They began to enjoy female company and I found it very hard to adjust to that. Convinced it was just a 'faze' I ignored it. What is it they say? Out of sight, out of mind? Well it was more a case of 'out of mind, not happening over my dead body'. I refused to accept the fact that they were placing me with female company.
Okay, maybe they weren't replacing me, more like just taking an interest where I was not. But that's what it felt like to me. And not to mention I despised James' new replacement. Lily Evans.
Tall redhead with amazingly green eyes. I wouldn't know. Never looked that close. But James obviously did because those eyes were all he ever talked about. And that was only in his second year. True there were many more girlfriends to come but I don't think he ever stopped fancying Lily during that time. Ever.
Sometimes I wonder how I ever got through that low period in my life. How?
I spent my holidays with James at his home. Actually it was more of a mansion and as soon as I entered the gate I was doe-eyed for the rest of the summer. The fact is, I'd never seen a place with a walk in letterbox.
Ok, it wasn't exactly walk in but it was pretty large.
I spent every holiday at James'. I refused to see my mother any more than was necessary and that was usually only when she wanted to give me all the money she had 'worked for' since she had last seen me.
Sirius never invited us over to his house, mostly opting to stay with James. The fact was that all of his family were 'dark'. A bit like me I suppose. Lucius Malfoy's kind of people. My kind of people though I didn't know it at that time. In fact, no one did.
I am tired now. Enough writing tonight. I think I may have voiced some very deep inner feelings that I hadn't even thought of before. Perhaps I will write more tomorrow. Probably not. I need to think over things some more.
Wormtail.
"I've never seen a place with a walk in letterbox" – The Simpson's, Larry (Burns' son)
***