***
Diary of a Murderer
Chapter 4 - Devouring Me From The Inside
***
Never thought I'd be here again.
Or well at least not three weeks ago anyway. I knew last week that I'd be here, but it is still quite a shock. I was sure that after graduation I would never have to endure this awful train ride again. It seems I was wrong. Not only am I on the very train I used to despise, but I am presumed dead, a murderer, a phony, and a disguised rat. Hidden in an empty compartment.
If anyone had told me that this was what I'd be doing after I graduated I would have told them they were being a silly twat and given them a good whack, authority figure or not. I guess I didn't know as well back then.
The scarlet train was the first sight that met my eyes as Percy pulled me out of his bag to say goodbye. Unfortunately he handed me to that devil of a Weasel, Ron. Blasted boy would not stop dangling me from my tail. When people say that it doesn't hurt rats...they are lying! If anyone is reading this, please spread the word around. It pains me just to think that there may be more poor, defenseless rats out there being dangled by nasty little brutes by the name of Ron. I have decided to add the name Ron to my list of things I despise. Somewhere between my mother and cheese. Just after the crossed out 'Hogwarts Express'. Which reminds me, I must write that in again.
Yes anyway. I'm sorry I had to stop writing. A nasty little wretch by the name of Penelope walked in on me as I was writing. She was apparently looking for her cat. What a good job I was not in Animagus form. Anyway, she asked me who I was and I announced myself as the new Defence Against the Arts teacher. I thought myself quite witty considering we never had a Defense Against the Arts teacher for more than one year. I believe the job is too much to handle. Too many Dark Arts.
Well, I felt incredibly witty up until the point where she mentioned that Hogwarts had had the same DADA teacher for five years. Needless to say, I felt incredibly silly. But she swallowed my story. He is away for the first day and I was asked to fill in and get things ready. I'm hating this already.
Percy has settled in nicely. Not that you care to hear of the boy. I have grown quite fond of him. It seems he is a stickler for rules and he defended me without fail when one of his fellow classmates commented on my rather boring décolletage. What can I say? You try turning yourself into a rat, mate, and see how exciting and interesting you turn out to be! Kids these days.
I'm glad that I need not be seen as a human anymore. To be human is to have expectations. Expectations along the lines of getting married, having children, having a good career and being a good person. As a rat I can be as dirty and irresponsible as I want. Perks of the guise. Again.
I went for a walk around the castle. I was careful not to get caught. That was easy enough when I spent the most of seven years running around these very corridors in the middle of the night with two people who I believe knew the most about the Hogwarts grounds. It was just a matter of remembering all the secret passageways.
Thinking of James and Sirius again brings me back to the reason for this journal. I suppose I had best do a little of my explaining while I can. One entry about just what I did that day will lead to two. Which will then lead to three and four and five. Leaving this journal completely void of its purpose.
Where was I up to? Oh yes, Lily and James. Well of course James had the hots for Lily. What guy didn't? It was the fact that she spent her days and nights in the library and doing homework that put them off. But not James. It SICKENED me the way he used to fawn over her, show off for her. She didn't appreciate anything he tried to do for her, simply sneering at him and walking off. She didn't know what was on offer.
I suppose some of you reading this may think I am some form of homosexual, though I am not. I myself have nothing wrong with the idea of homosexuality, just not within myself. Although that could be the small part of me that remains optimistic through these tough times. Never having met a homosexual, I can't really say I am one to judge. No doubt that in a few years the remaining optimism will be gone. Completely void of any hope, feeling or love. And that is the way I have made it. Don't you think it is funny how a few wrong turns on the path of life can lead to a life of misery and despair? I suppose that of all the people I have known, I am the only one who could fully understand that feeling.
Except for one person. Harry Potter. Although the despair in his life is not his fault. The guilt rests on my shoulders. His despair is my despair. And so again, I am the only one feeling this. I am responsible for so many deaths, so many wrongs. But worse of all, I am responsible for the little boy out there somewhere that will never grow up knowing his parents, believing his Godfather is a murderer, and worshipping the brave and honorable but completely dead Peter Pettigrew.
Under different circumstances I suppose I might have felt joy for the fact that someone might be worshipping me. Now I know I wont. All I feel now is shame. Shame, despair and this churning emptiness that eats away at me a little more each day. Devouring me from the inside. Soon I will be nothing more than an empty husk. A shadow of a man. A shadow of a rat even. How coincidental that I should have chosen to be a rat. Because that is what I feel like.
Signed – A Rat. Wormtail.
***
Diary of a Murderer
Chapter 4 - Devouring Me From The Inside
***
Never thought I'd be here again.
Or well at least not three weeks ago anyway. I knew last week that I'd be here, but it is still quite a shock. I was sure that after graduation I would never have to endure this awful train ride again. It seems I was wrong. Not only am I on the very train I used to despise, but I am presumed dead, a murderer, a phony, and a disguised rat. Hidden in an empty compartment.
If anyone had told me that this was what I'd be doing after I graduated I would have told them they were being a silly twat and given them a good whack, authority figure or not. I guess I didn't know as well back then.
The scarlet train was the first sight that met my eyes as Percy pulled me out of his bag to say goodbye. Unfortunately he handed me to that devil of a Weasel, Ron. Blasted boy would not stop dangling me from my tail. When people say that it doesn't hurt rats...they are lying! If anyone is reading this, please spread the word around. It pains me just to think that there may be more poor, defenseless rats out there being dangled by nasty little brutes by the name of Ron. I have decided to add the name Ron to my list of things I despise. Somewhere between my mother and cheese. Just after the crossed out 'Hogwarts Express'. Which reminds me, I must write that in again.
Yes anyway. I'm sorry I had to stop writing. A nasty little wretch by the name of Penelope walked in on me as I was writing. She was apparently looking for her cat. What a good job I was not in Animagus form. Anyway, she asked me who I was and I announced myself as the new Defence Against the Arts teacher. I thought myself quite witty considering we never had a Defense Against the Arts teacher for more than one year. I believe the job is too much to handle. Too many Dark Arts.
Well, I felt incredibly witty up until the point where she mentioned that Hogwarts had had the same DADA teacher for five years. Needless to say, I felt incredibly silly. But she swallowed my story. He is away for the first day and I was asked to fill in and get things ready. I'm hating this already.
Percy has settled in nicely. Not that you care to hear of the boy. I have grown quite fond of him. It seems he is a stickler for rules and he defended me without fail when one of his fellow classmates commented on my rather boring décolletage. What can I say? You try turning yourself into a rat, mate, and see how exciting and interesting you turn out to be! Kids these days.
I'm glad that I need not be seen as a human anymore. To be human is to have expectations. Expectations along the lines of getting married, having children, having a good career and being a good person. As a rat I can be as dirty and irresponsible as I want. Perks of the guise. Again.
I went for a walk around the castle. I was careful not to get caught. That was easy enough when I spent the most of seven years running around these very corridors in the middle of the night with two people who I believe knew the most about the Hogwarts grounds. It was just a matter of remembering all the secret passageways.
Thinking of James and Sirius again brings me back to the reason for this journal. I suppose I had best do a little of my explaining while I can. One entry about just what I did that day will lead to two. Which will then lead to three and four and five. Leaving this journal completely void of its purpose.
Where was I up to? Oh yes, Lily and James. Well of course James had the hots for Lily. What guy didn't? It was the fact that she spent her days and nights in the library and doing homework that put them off. But not James. It SICKENED me the way he used to fawn over her, show off for her. She didn't appreciate anything he tried to do for her, simply sneering at him and walking off. She didn't know what was on offer.
I suppose some of you reading this may think I am some form of homosexual, though I am not. I myself have nothing wrong with the idea of homosexuality, just not within myself. Although that could be the small part of me that remains optimistic through these tough times. Never having met a homosexual, I can't really say I am one to judge. No doubt that in a few years the remaining optimism will be gone. Completely void of any hope, feeling or love. And that is the way I have made it. Don't you think it is funny how a few wrong turns on the path of life can lead to a life of misery and despair? I suppose that of all the people I have known, I am the only one who could fully understand that feeling.
Except for one person. Harry Potter. Although the despair in his life is not his fault. The guilt rests on my shoulders. His despair is my despair. And so again, I am the only one feeling this. I am responsible for so many deaths, so many wrongs. But worse of all, I am responsible for the little boy out there somewhere that will never grow up knowing his parents, believing his Godfather is a murderer, and worshipping the brave and honorable but completely dead Peter Pettigrew.
Under different circumstances I suppose I might have felt joy for the fact that someone might be worshipping me. Now I know I wont. All I feel now is shame. Shame, despair and this churning emptiness that eats away at me a little more each day. Devouring me from the inside. Soon I will be nothing more than an empty husk. A shadow of a man. A shadow of a rat even. How coincidental that I should have chosen to be a rat. Because that is what I feel like.
Signed – A Rat. Wormtail.
***