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Diary Of A Murderer Chapter 6 - Psychotic Jealousy
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I think today I realized what it was I wanted. What I wanted out of joining with Master. What I wanted when I came to Hogwarts. What I had wanted all along.
It took me a long time to realize that what I was daydreaming about was what I had lusted after all my life. I say lusted, but I do not mean like that. I mean more like how some people feel when summer is gone and won't be back for a year. The people that have an uncontrollable passion for Quidditch that only Quidditch itself can quench know what I mean. As do those far away from a loved one. What I have always wanted is a world without rules or controls, borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. And Master... no, Voldemort, could give that to me.
Though he scared me immensely, scared me so much that I didn't want to close my eyes and equally didn't want to open them, he could give me that which I lusted after. That which I unconsciously yearned and obsessed over. Yet all our union gave me was a sense of fear, a sense of entrapment... a sense of self-loathing, which I can't rid myself of. Even now, so long after his downfall.
It has been over four years since my last entry. I found it hurt too much to write more and so I stopped, foolishly quelling the need to tell my story. Only now it comes out more fearsome than ever. Because of one person.
Harry Potter.
He is here. With me. In the same continent, same country, same 10 mile radius, same building, same tower... same dormitory. It pains me to see his uncanny likeness with James. And I need never try to imagine how green Lily's eyes ever were when I see them every day. Haunting me. The eyes I never cared to look at but knew better than my own due to James' constant rambling.
In fact, Harry is the reason I have started writing again. His presence in my life has brought memories flooding back. Memories of happiness and despair alike. And it seemed suddenly clear. I had to carry on where I left off. I had to tell my story, if not for myself, but for Harry. For Harry's parents. It's amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy. Because with the memories of happiness and despair came the memories of intense jealousy. The jealousy that drove me to seek other forms of alliances.
If only I had been detained. Sirius could have convinced me to do homework. If James hadn't gone after Lily that night... followed her to the library... I wouldn't have gone for that walk... I wouldn't have met him... he would have passed by unnoticed I would have carried on my way...
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ANOTHER CHAPTER DONE. THAT ONE WAS EXHUSTING. IT'S QUITE HARD TO WRITE LIKE YOUR DEPRESSED WHEN YOU'VE JUST HAD A FABULOUS DAY! PLUS, IT MAKES ME FEEL ALL DOWN WHEN IM FINISHED. :(
OHWELL. PLEASE R/R. IT ONLY TAKES THIRTY SECONDS BUT IT MAKES IT MUCH HAPPIER. PLUS, IT MAKES UP FOR WHAT A DEPRESSED MOOD THIS CHAPTER PUT ME IN ;)
TATA.
Diary Of A Murderer Chapter 6 - Psychotic Jealousy
***
I think today I realized what it was I wanted. What I wanted out of joining with Master. What I wanted when I came to Hogwarts. What I had wanted all along.
It took me a long time to realize that what I was daydreaming about was what I had lusted after all my life. I say lusted, but I do not mean like that. I mean more like how some people feel when summer is gone and won't be back for a year. The people that have an uncontrollable passion for Quidditch that only Quidditch itself can quench know what I mean. As do those far away from a loved one. What I have always wanted is a world without rules or controls, borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. And Master... no, Voldemort, could give that to me.
Though he scared me immensely, scared me so much that I didn't want to close my eyes and equally didn't want to open them, he could give me that which I lusted after. That which I unconsciously yearned and obsessed over. Yet all our union gave me was a sense of fear, a sense of entrapment... a sense of self-loathing, which I can't rid myself of. Even now, so long after his downfall.
It has been over four years since my last entry. I found it hurt too much to write more and so I stopped, foolishly quelling the need to tell my story. Only now it comes out more fearsome than ever. Because of one person.
Harry Potter.
He is here. With me. In the same continent, same country, same 10 mile radius, same building, same tower... same dormitory. It pains me to see his uncanny likeness with James. And I need never try to imagine how green Lily's eyes ever were when I see them every day. Haunting me. The eyes I never cared to look at but knew better than my own due to James' constant rambling.
In fact, Harry is the reason I have started writing again. His presence in my life has brought memories flooding back. Memories of happiness and despair alike. And it seemed suddenly clear. I had to carry on where I left off. I had to tell my story, if not for myself, but for Harry. For Harry's parents. It's amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy. Because with the memories of happiness and despair came the memories of intense jealousy. The jealousy that drove me to seek other forms of alliances.
If only I had been detained. Sirius could have convinced me to do homework. If James hadn't gone after Lily that night... followed her to the library... I wouldn't have gone for that walk... I wouldn't have met him... he would have passed by unnoticed I would have carried on my way...
***
ANOTHER CHAPTER DONE. THAT ONE WAS EXHUSTING. IT'S QUITE HARD TO WRITE LIKE YOUR DEPRESSED WHEN YOU'VE JUST HAD A FABULOUS DAY! PLUS, IT MAKES ME FEEL ALL DOWN WHEN IM FINISHED. :(
OHWELL. PLEASE R/R. IT ONLY TAKES THIRTY SECONDS BUT IT MAKES IT MUCH HAPPIER. PLUS, IT MAKES UP FOR WHAT A DEPRESSED MOOD THIS CHAPTER PUT ME IN ;)
TATA.