"My label maker, I do love you so..." said Hao as he stroked his brand new label maker lovingly. "With this wonderful invention, I'll become the SHAMAN KING! Wuah ha ha! Then, all those other weaklings will bow before me as I demonstrate my disgustingly powerful power! With this, the...um...uh...LABEL MAKER!"
He skipped gleefully over to the Shaman convention, held in honor of flying squirrels. Other than for eating butter, there really wasn't any other reason for showing up.
"Look at them... conversing with each other...stuffing their faces with butter... so blissfully unaware that I, Hao, have a LABEL MAKER that could kill them all!" said he by the name of Hao when finally arriving at the convention and laughing a most frightening laugh.
Hours passed. Hao stuck countless labels upon the backs of the many unsuspecting Shaman. He made one especially for Anna, one that said, "I smile when the calendars are watching!" 'Oh my!' thought Hao. 'I make me chuckle!'
Ren's was "One with the moo juice." HoroHoro's special label was "I am a fool for pants." Myriad other labels were made in addition to those listed.
As he was about to climb onto a table, a squirrel climbed up his leg. He tried shaking it off. He tried putting butter on it. Why wasn't anything working? It was then that he spotted the label maker, the wonderful, delightful label maker.
He put a box that had neither a top nor bottom around the squirrel. Holding the evil labeling machine, he labeled the squirrel repetitively. The labels all said the same thing—"I am a squirrel." When he finished, he laughed a long, sinister laugh.
At this point, the squirrel was completely covered in labels. Except for its eyes, mouth, and nose, the squirrel resembled not a squirrel, but a label-fied mammal. HoroHoro, pitying the poor mammal, ran up to it and gave it great big hug. Hao skipped off to the punch bowl, in order to douse himself in raw eggs.
A few screams were heard when the Shaman realized that there were labels on their backs! Such ill-fated doom had fallen upon them. They all concluded that this must be because they were in the presence of the almighty butter stick!
That conclusion is of course, wrong. It points to one and one thing only—HAO'S NOSE! How could they not know that? It's not like it's rocket science or anything, so it eludes the authoress how they couldn't possibly figure that out.
After immersing himself in raw eggs for at least the hundredth time, Hao went through a series off odd emotions that really couldn't be classified. His wonderful, silky hair had been egg—ravaged! Oh, the injustice of it all!
As he was running around in circles, trying to make his hair beautiful once again, someone found the label maker. That someone was Lyserg, who immediately sat on it when he read the label attached to it. (the label said: "Your childish hands are touching an evil tool of Hao—sama. Drop it. Now. Or else you'll drink calcium pills at your own expense.")
Lyserg did not care very much for the junk pertaining to calcium pills. He would love ingesting calcium pills at his own expense!
After sitting on the label maker for countless hours, it did not hatch like an egg as Lyserg had expected it to. It was then that Lyserg thought of the bestest, most ingenious plan ever. He was going to put it in sulfuric acid, and then stick it up his nose!
When Lyserg had run off with the labeling contraption, Hao suddenly realized that his machine for wreaking havoc was gone. He looked for it in his pants. Nope, not there. He looked in everyone else's pants. It wasn't there either.
He searched for it in his handy dandy egg carton. The turn out was no label maker, but some rather nice looking eggs. Desperate, he turned his "squirrel senses" on, in order to laugh mindlessly. As quickly as they were turned on, they were just as quickly turned off when Lyserg's screams made themselves apparent in Hao's ears.
Lyserg had, indeed, stuck the sulfuric acid covered contraption up his nose. "It burns! It burns worse than the time I stared at the Sun for fifty eight hours straight!" he screamed, running into walls that made him scream very much like a screaming person.
Hao went over to see what happened. After inspecting the now unconscious Lyserg, he took the label maker out of Lyserg's nose, stole the green haired boy's pants and laughed thoroughly. "That's what you get for stealing my label maker! Now, EAT THIS!" he said joyously while forcing the dowser to drink calcium pills.
A pet billy goat that belonged to no one came forth from Lyserg's pants pocket. It pranced around for a while, until Hao jumped on it. The impact from the jump made the frail animal vanish in a puff of glittery purple stuff, never to be seen again. Hao ran off into the distance, sucking raw egg yolks from holes made in his precious eggs.
An hour, 2 minutes, and 35 seconds later, Lyserg had one of the most wonderful awakenings in his entire life. He felt so strong, so calcium fortified! The power of calcium had even taken away the burning sensation from the sulfuric acid!
Lyserg, with his calcium fortified muscles, ripped a sheet of paper in half to demonstrate his terrifying new power. What he got in return wasn't applause nor praise, but laughter.
"I'm just too cool for my own good!" he exclaimed, running away from the masses. He ran to a mysterious village where he spent the rest of days trying to become a toilet paper roll.
Hao, in the meantime, wore Lyserg's pants as a hat. It made him feel quite the female. The convention ended when Hao came to his senses and ordered everyone to go home or else. "Or else what?" they asked. "Or else I'll make all of you have unibrows, that's what." Hao replied.
"You can't do that!" Ren said. "You can't make me, the great RenRen have a UNIBROW!" "Can too." "Can not."
"If I say I can, then I most definitely can," Hao said, taking out a permanent marker.
He walked up to Ren, and targeted Ren's forehead. Hao was aiming for the empty space where the two eyebrows did not meet. Ren flinched as the marker made contact, but did not move for he did not want a mustache in addition to a unibrow. Slowly but surely the marker made a nice, even line on Ren's forehead, creating a unibrow.
"There you go! It's looks as though it was meant to be." Hao said, handing Ren a mirror. Ren took the mirror and looked at himself for the longest time ever. "I've been UNIFIED!" Ren cried at last, running into a parked car repetitively.
"It won't come off, you know! The ink's guaranteed to say on for at least another century!" Hao called after him.
"Cheerio, everyone! I feel it my civil duty to go frolic in the woodland with squirrels!" Hao said, bidding them farewell. "I hope you all find a wonderful place where you too can wear pants freely!"
The underlying theme, you say? The one that has been expertly weaved into the many words of this chapter, right? Theme? WHAT THEME? There is no theme, my friends. Just nonsense.
To my reviewers who make me chuckle!
Invader Neo-I thank thee, kind soul, for reviewing mine story! Tra la la! Thanks thanks thanks! By the way...YOU'RE COOL!
Celestial Goddess-That's sensei to you, bub! Ha ha! Just kidding! Thanks for thinking that my writing is random and funny. It make me feel fuzzy inside.
MerndaSaysDownWithWormtail-Once again, you've reviewed all my stories even though you did not have to! You make me want to punch you and yet at the same time I want to give you a great big hug! The billy goat's in thurr!
admin-A squirrel gauge, eh? I want one too! Where do you buy them?