Again, I don't have time for review replies… FORGIVE ME! (Sniffles) But next chapter I will CERAINTLY reply because chapter 12 is… the last chapter of this story. (DUN DUN DUNNNN!) Hehehehe. Anyway, hope you all enjoy this chapter and thanks SO much for the reviews. They really make my day. Please heed the warning and enjoy!
WARNING: Strong sexual content in this chapter. Don't like that stuff, then avoid it or don't read it at all. But viewer discretion is advised. (Hehehe, couldn't resist saying that.)
"heaven's not enough
if when you get there...
just another blue
and heaven's not enough
you think you found it
and it loses you
you've thought of all there is
but not enough
and it loses you in a cloud
"there" most everything is nothin'
that it seems
"where" you see the things you only wanna see
I'd fly away
to a higher plane
to say words I resist
to float away
to sigh
to breathe... forget
and heaven's not enough
if when I'm there I don't remember you
and heaven does enough
you think you know it
and it uses you
I saw so many things
but like a dream
always losing me in a cloud
'cause I couldn't cry
'cause I turned away
couldn't see the score
didn't know the pain
of leaving yesterday really far behind
in another life
in another dream
by a different name
gave it all away
for a memory
and a quiet lie
and I felt the face
of a cold tonight
still don't know the score
but I know the pain
of leaving everything really far behind
and if I could cry
and if I could live what truth I did then take me there
heaven goodbye"
"heaven's not enough" By: Steve Conte
Winter in Germany
heaven's not enough
The hazy image of a familiar ceiling swam into view slowly and painfully. There was a brief period of bliss when Edward could not recall what had happened, where he was and why. But that period was over as soon as his mind came into full waking and pain exploded like white hot fire across his entire body, causing him to take a sharp intake of breath. He moaned in pain despite his best attempt not to and stirred, as if moving would make it all the better. He was pretty sure he was in his room but that was as far as his train of thought went before it spiraled back into pain.
"Don't move, Ed."
Ed stopped his restless movement at this voice. It sounded extremely distant and held an echo to it, which he was sure wasn't right. He kept still like he was expecting the voice to do something to him to help his pain. When nothing happened he moved again. A heavy hand fell onto his forehead with a commanding authority to it.
"I said hold still. We're almost done changing the bandages, Ed, I promise."
He stopped moving again as commanded. Although he really couldn't form any thoughts or even use his brain at the moment, there was enough functioning parts in his head to tell him the voice was of someone he didn't know. A male voice that was unfamiliar. He held still longer this time, still waiting for this magical tool to cure his pain. Instead there was nothing so he moved again after a while, trying to remove the firm hand on his forehead.
"All right, all right. It's finished."
The hand moved and Ed wiggled a bit in his bed as if to test whoever had been telling him not to move. But when the voice did not speak again he stopped and dared to open his eyes. He cracked them open slowly at first, only to be instantly blinded by bright light. He muttered something incoherently and rolled over, burring his face in his pillow. Noises of things clinking together and soft talking drew his attention, but he found himself zoning in and out rather frequently. Too frequently to understand the conversation let alone identify the voices. But they sounded alien to him, though less distant and echoey. He tried opening his eyes again as he heard the door open and more voices, although these were more familiar. But he had no names to match them with.
He blinked slowly, managing to open his eyes half way to stare at the blurry image of the wall. By this point his mind was waking up from whatever drug it had been under and he found his senses slowly returning to him, becoming more alert and aware of reality. It was a painful process through as he struggled between a dreamlike world and the waking world of the familiar voices (one he could now identify as Hohenheim) The wall slowly became clear the more he blinked and finally forced his eyes open all the way. Now he was staring at a rather uninteresting object. So with his eyes bored, he left his ears to entertain him as he could now understand the muffled voices coming from somewhere in the room.
"...shouldn't have given him the medication today, but I did just to be safe," The unfamiliar male voice was saying. "I don't know if you were informed, so here's the rundown. There were no broken bones, just a lot of bruises and burns. A few flesh wounds that I stitched up. I was surprised there wasn't frost bite, but that's certainly a blessing, especially considering how long he was laying in the snow. My over all opinion? He's been beaten and burned to the fringes of death, but he'll pull through. Just keep an eye on the wounds and make sure they don't get infected."
"Of course," Hohenheim replied. "Thank you so much."
"Mr. Elric... are you sure you don't want to keep him in the hospital? He'd recover much faster."
"I'm sure. There's more of a chance of the wound getting infected in a hospital, after all. He can recover just find here."
"But you'll still come to check on him, right, Doctor?" Came a new voice that was startlingly close to Ed. A female voice that sounded very worried... Winry.
"Of course," the doctor chuckled lightly. "I wouldn't be a very good doctor if I didn't do that. I'm... truly sorry about the hanger, Mr. Heiderich."
"Don't," Al said quickly, also close to Ed. "It's just... Ed's okay."
There was a pause, but apparently the doctor made some gesture because next everyone was bidding him farewell and Hohenheim offered to see him out. By now Ed was fully awake and his mind had come out of its drugged state, now sharp and clear as normal. But he was still in pain so his brain was still clouded a bit by that. He dared to roll over onto his back and hissed in pain when he landed on a large burn spread across his lower back. This, of course, drew Winry and Al's attention instantly.
"Ed, you're awake!" Al cried, sounding happy, revealed and worried at the same time. "Don't more, it'll only make the pain worse."
Ed turned his head on his pillow with some difficulty, blinking up at the familiar faces hovering over his bed. He squinted at them, trying to see through the light behind them. He suddenly became away that his hair was down and he was only wearing his boxers. He panicked in his mind. Had the doctor seen his false arm and leg? Dammit, had Hohenheim been that careless? If the doctor had seen them...
"Ed?" Winry asked gently. "Are you all right?"
Ed blinked at her for the question and let out a short bark of a laugh, regretting it when the effort jarred sore ribs.
"My entire body is bruised and burned and you're asking me if I'm all right?" Ed muttered sarcastically, voice hoarse. It felt like he hadn't used it in ages.
Winry narrowed her eyes at him but Al quickly intervened. "Hey, don't be mean. We've been really worried about you. You've been asleep for three days."
"What!"
"Yeah," Al confirmed, nodding. "The doctor wasn't sure if you'd even wake up. Something really heavy hit you on the back of the head. The doctor figured it was a falling beam or something."
Or it could've been a certain Homunculus who looks like a damn palm tree... Ed thought darkly, eyes flickering to his hands now resting in his lap. But something confused him and he turned his eyes back to Al.
"Falling beam?"
"Well, yeah. From the hanger ceiling. I don't think it makes sense, though, since you managed to get out before the place collapsed."
"The hanger... Wait!" Ed cried in alarm, eyes widening. "The hanger! It's all right, isn't it!"
Al's face fell and he looked away sadly. "It... burned down. Don't you remember?"
No, he didn't remember, but this information sent him into a stunned silence. After all that work and effort he had put into this project with Al... after all of it in order to possibly get home... it was all over, just like that. Every dream and every hope he had built up over the past two years burned to ashes in mere seconds. His head dropped and his eyes stared blankly at his hands. His silence worried Winry and she frowned at him.
"Ed...?"
"Why are you here, anyway?" Ed suddenly asked dully, glancing at her from behind loose strands of blonde hair.
"Don't say that," She huffed angrily. "Just because you're a heartless jerk doesn't mean I want you to die."
"Right... I want to be alone now."
Winry looked a bit startled by his suddenly change of subjects, but Al was use to this. He placed a firm hand on Winry's shoulder before she could protest and gave her an apologetic look.
"Let's go, Winry," He told her.
"But..."
He lead her out of the room, door falling shut behind them. Al knew what was wrong and that was probably the reason he was so downhearted about this as well, which he found rather ironic. It wasn't the loss of his and Ed's hard work that made him upset; it was seeing the last dim light of hope Ed had reached for finally flicker out.
As soon as the door had closed Ed collapsed onto the bed on his back, flesh hand coming over his eyes and pushing up his bangs. He lost track of time, but he laid like that for a long time before he rolled onto his side, bare back to the door. He draped his metal limb lazily over the edge of the bed and stared dejectedly down at it. Everything he had wanted had just gone down the drain in one split instant. Envy had once again ruined his life and the thought made his flesh hand tighten on the pillow. But it quickly unclenched when the thoughts of the things he would never have again flooded his mind. He would never get to see Al in his flesh form. He would never see Sensei again or Granny. Hell, he was even sad about not seeing Mustang's stupid smirk. He regretted never telling the man he was thankful for what he had done for him. But his biggest regret was Winry. His face fell as he continued to stare at his metal limb.
I never told her, He thought somberly with a painful realization. And now I never will.
The thought made him want to cry, but he was a male and he was Ed. So he merely shut his eyes and attempted to ease the pain by sleep. Unfortunately it never came as the door suddenly opened.
"Go away," Ed snapped, cranky suddenly. He wanted to be alone.
"Sorry, but we're over due for a talk."
Ed rolled over on his back and turned his head to see Hohenheim, pulling the chair from Ed's desk and placing it at his bedside. He sat down in it with a heavy sigh and Ed reluctantly sat, up wincing a bit as he did and prompting help from his father.
"This won't take long. I know you need your rest," Hohenheim assured him, frowning a bit as Ed rubbed absently at his side.
"There's nothing to talk about, old man," Ed told him flatly, staring at something on the floor.
"I'm afraid there is. Why didn't you tell me Envy was after you?"
Ed turned his head sharply to face his father. "How did you--"
"How do you think I knew to come to the hanger even before I saw the smoke?" Hohenheim interrupted, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back in his chair with a heavy sigh. "He came here, I'm assuming after he attacked you and lit the hanger on fire."
Ed stared stupidly. "He did? Then how the hell are you still alive?"
"Good question. I got lucky?" Hohenheim replied, offering Ed a weak smile and a half hearted shrug. "Actually, I think Al scared him off when he came to tell me about the smoke he was seeing coming from the hanger, which is odd."
"Heh... turned into a coward..." Ed muttered and looked away again.
Hohenheim frowned. "Ed, I'm sorry this had to happen."
"No your not."
"Don't start that with me, Edward. You know I am."
Ed shrugged and flopped back onto the bed, burrowing deep into the covers before yanking them over his head. Hohenheim looked too worn out to argue and stood wearily.
"I know how to stop Envy," He told him quietly. "I'll make him pay for this. Don't worry, just leave it all to me."
Ed listened as he left the room and once the door was shut he sat back up.
Leave everything to you, huh? Yeah right... last time I did that, you left and never came back.
The next few weeks were painful for Ed. He was healing physically, which was good, and the doctor was impressed at how fast the healing process was going. But mentally Ed was dying, if not already dead. Not only was he ridiculously restless and bored out of his mind from being stuck in bed, he was also terribly depressed. And if one knew his story, one couldn't blame him. But he was healing and Winry decided that was what she would focus on. She chose to ignore his mental status for now. She took the spare room of the house because she was too concerned for Ed to go back home. She ended up being sort of his nurse (which left the floor open for many inappropriate jokes from Hohenheim) but since she didn't know about medicine one could say she was more of Ed's care taker instead. She would make him meals and usually have to force him to eat it. It was like he had given up on life and that frightened her. Eventually his restlessness and boredom vanished and all he wanted to do was lay in bed, hidden underneath the covers. He only roused when nature called or when Winry forced him to eat. Other than that he seemed perfectly content to just lay in bed and die. And Winry would be damned if she let him. But it was Al who got him out of his slump.
"We'll try again," Al told the lump underneath the blankets seriously.
"Huh?"
"We'll start over. We can rebuild the hanger and start a new, better rocket."
Ed sat up slowly and turned to him. "And how do you suggest we do that? We don't have the money for it."
"Well, I got someone to fund my research before," Al said cheerfully. "Why not again?"
Ed seemed satisfied with this and suddenly his world wasn't entirely dark. This seemed to be the key to get Ed back to his old self (almost) and he was soon mostly cured of his physical aliments. Even though the doctor suggested more bed rest, Ed was on his feet as soon as he could and he and Al were gone, out searching for new investors. Winry decided to stick around after getting permission from Hohenheim.
"I'm sure the boys would look forward to your smiling face more than mine," Hohenheim had joked.
Winry only offered him a painful smile. Only one of them would...
Nearly three weeks after the incident and Al and Ed had no one even remotely interested in funding another project. Ed had a suspicion Envy was behind this too (He would never find out he was correct in this suspicion) and Winry watched helplessly as he spiraled downward in the depths of hopelessness. Then finally he crashed and did not pick himself back up. Winry never really was able to make sense of what happened next.
The sun had disappeared early, as it generally did during winter, and a gentle snowfall had begun. The house was silent, dark and cold. Winry, who had gotten her nose into a good book, found herself alone in the living room and unable to concentrate on it anymore. Actually, she couldn't really remember anything she had read. Hohenheim had disappeared into his room since his chat with Ed and she was only up this late because she was waiting for Ed and Al to return. And they finally did, hurrying inside to escape the cold winter outside only to sadly find it wasn't that much warmer inside. Winry stood quickly from her chair to greet them.
"Any luck?" She asked, trying to smile.
"No," Al sighed sadly.
"There never will be," Ed suddenly snapped, throwing off his boots and heavy coat angrily.
Winry blinked at him, startled, and Al merely stared at him somberly.
"That's not true, Edward," Winry replied softly. "There could always be--"
"We've gone through every fucking investor in the city!" Ed cried. "There is no one! It's over!"
Winry opened her mouth to say something but never got to as he stormed upstairs, signaling his disappearance into his room with a loud slam of his door. Winry shifted nervously on her feet and looked at Al.
"Sorry..." Al said, bowing his head and leaving her, taking his own coat and boots upstairs.
Out of habit Winry gathered Ed's coat and placed it neatly on the coat rack before taking his boots and placing them near the door. She then took a candle in hand and lit it (turning on the lights might wake Hohenheim) before venturing upstairs. She climbed the wooden steps slowly, reaching the top and pausing. She looked to Ed's door before going to it, opening it slowly without even a knock. Ed sat on his bed cross legged, head dropped into his hands and side facing her. Silently Winry slipped into the room, shutting the door softly behind her. Ed did not stir and she wondered if he had heard her or not. She placed the candle on his desk, careful of all the papers scattered on it, and caught a brief glimpse of the photos. She paused for only a second to look at them before quickly turning away, walking over to stand in front of Ed. She stood there for several moments as if waiting for him to notice her. He did not move, but she knew he was aware of her presences. She crawled onto the bed to sit in front of him on her knees and brushed some stray hair from his face, fingertips brushing against his soft skin in the process. Ed flinched slightly, but did not pull away.
Winry reached with both hands to lift his face to her, staring into the depths of his golden eyes to try and decipher what he was thinking. But his face was so sad that it tore at her heart. She hated seeing him in so much pain. Before she knew what she was doing she had closed the distance between their faces and captured his lips in a soft kiss. Her sudden display of affection startled Ed, for he jerked away abruptly and their lips parted. But Winry merely recaptured his lips in a much more adult kiss. And this time Ed returned it. She practically melted at the sensation. She didn't want to part with him now, not ever again. She was going to make him forget his pain. When he pulled back to breathe, she only allowed him a second before she kissed him again... and again... and still again, each time more passionate and more wanting. Her hands moved to undo the buttons of his shirt as she moved her kisses down the side of his neck, pressing against him. Once his shirt was open she ran her fingertips lightly up his well built chest. She kissed back up his neck to his ear, moving to trail fire along his jawbone. All the while her hands followed, moving up on his chest when her kisses did, then trailing down, fingers running over muscle and the many old scars that marred his skin. She removed his shirt next and it fell soundlessly to the floor beside the bed. And Ed let her. His face still looked so sad, yet now it also seemed a bit dazed and confused as if he couldn't really grasp what was happening.
"Let me take away your pain, Ed," Winry suddenly whispered in his ear. "I'll make your pain go away forever. I'll make you forget it."
She moved down and began to smother the side of his neck again with fiery kisses. She moved down to the crock of his neck before going further to his chest, running her hands down it as she kissed the skin in the most tantalizing way she could manage. Ed moaned softly despite himself and his hands came to rest on her hips with minds of their own. He slid one hand up along the curve of her side and she arched her back in response, pressing her front even more against his. The fact that he was now returning her affection merely encouraged her and she let his hair down from its ponytail to run her fingers through it, twisting strands of it around her fingers. At some point during all of this she had gotten herself into his lap, legs on either side of him as she continued to play with his hair. He was returning her affection, but it was hesitant. She wanted him to want this as much as she did. She wanted to take away his pain. She wanted him to forget everything. Her fingers ran through his hair again as she leaned more into him, capturing his lips once more in another deep kiss, her tongue teasing his lips until he allowed entry. And she was definitely not disappointed in the way he kissed her back. Metal hand still at her hip, he drew his flesh hand up her back, underneath her shirt to brush her skin with his fingertips.
She placed her entire weight on him, pulling away from the kiss and placing her hands on his chest, urging him backwards. And he did so, falling onto the bed on his back. Now Winry found herself straddling his waist and she leaned over onto him, drawing his arms above his head. She ran her fingers up his arms as she leaned forward until their hands met and their fingers intertwined. And she continued to trail kisses over his body, moving up along his chest, up his neck, to his lips, teasing them before trailing back down. Then suddenly Ed moved a bit. This caused her to pause and he took this chance to kiss her now, a soft taste on the lips before he copied her actions, kissing her ravenously on the neck in a way that made Winry's entire body tingle with pleasure. He moved his arms from their spot above his head and rested one on the curve of her hip, the other running up her thigh half way. The sensation of his hand made her shiver and she moaned with pleasure as he utterly smothered her with kisses, moving from her neck to her face then down to her shoulder, moving the fabric of her shirt to kiss the skin. Well, she had certainly gotten him less hesitant, but now he was driving her crazy with his kisses. Now her body ached for more than just his tantalizing touches. However before she got a chance to take this any further Ed abruptly came to his senses and realized just how far this was going.
He sat up in a hurry, Winry being forced off of him. Ed turned away, back to her and legs hanging over the edge of the bed as Winry blinked, dazed. Ed stood and snatched his shirt from the floor, moving away from the bed as he pulled it on. Winry watched him sadly, not bothering to fix her disheveled shirt or messy hair.
"Will I never... be good enough?" Winry suddenly asked softly.
Ed paused in dressing, hands on the last top button of his shirt and head bowed. His back was still to her so she could not see his face, which was too bad because she might have been interested in the look plastered on it.
"It's... not right," Ed replied, finishing the buttoning of his shirt. "It's not fair to you."
Winry bit her lip to force her tears back and bowed her head, eyes hidden by the shadow of her bangs. Her fists clenched around the white sheets of his bed.
"I don't understand," Winry whispered. "I'm the same. Can't you... Why can't you love me? I love you, Ed. I love you so much. Why can't you just love me for me? Why can't you look past my appearance...? Am I... forever just that other girl's reflection? Will I always just be her shadow?"
Her words made him flinch and a guilty expression crossed his face mixed with extreme sorrow. He honestly dug deep into his soul for the answers to those questions and he felt like such a terrible person when he found that answer. He turned abruptly and walked over to his desk, searching through the drawer a bit. He pulled out what he was looking for after a few moments of searching: A gun.
"Answer me!" Winry cried, looking up at him to show tears forming in the corners of her emerald eyes.
Ed tucked the gun in the side of his pants and turned around to face her, express guilty and sad at the same time.
"I'm sorry. I can't," He told her truthfully. "I don't belong here."
"You belong in your world..."
Ed looked surprised and Winry shook her head.
"Al told me," She admitted. "After he brought me out of your room earlier. He told me everything..."
Ed sighed and looked away, sad eyes dropping to the ground. He should have known Al would tell her eventually.
"So then you understand."
"No," Winry said, looking at him pleadingly. "Isn't this world good enough? You have your father and Al... and me... aren't we enough for you? Why can't you start a new life here with us?"
"I made a promise to my brother that I'd return," Ed replied dully, refusing to look at her now. "I have to."
"Promises can be broken!" Winry cried in frustration. "Are they worth keeping when you destroy what you built in this life!"
"I never had a life here."
"Yes you do! You always did! You're just too stupid to ever see it! God, Edward... we all care about you here! Is that any different than your world! Al can be like your brother, Hohenheim is your father and I..." She trailed off and her teary eyes squeezed shut. "And I can love you... I can be good enough for you. I'll try really hard to be good enough."
Ed glanced at her sadly. She had several points, but she was missing the main one: He did not belong here and he clearly wasn't from this world. He was Edward Elric, the dreamer. The boy who lost touched with reality because he never existed in this reality to being with. He could not adapt to this lifestyle like his father had. But maybe... he never was able to because he never tried. Ed shook his head slightly and located another hair tie, quickly tying his hair back into a ponytail before he turned away, heading to the door.
"Where are you going?"
"To find Envy."
"Envy?"
"The bastard who burned down the hanger."
The door opened and Winry glanced up at him, tears streaming down her face.
"So that's it?" She demanded, voice choked. "You're just going to leave me. Please, Ed... can't I be good enough for you? I can be like her... that other girl in the picture... I can be like her! I can!"
"No," Ed said, stopping in the doorway and looking over his shoulder at her. "You're not her. You never were."
And then he was gone, leaving Winry to collapse on his bed, sobbing. Ed was going to find Envy and make him pay for everything. He wasn't sure how to do this, but he had an idea of how to lure the Homunculus out.
And if it all went down and he found himself still alive and in this world... No. He was a dreamer, one who had lost touched with this reality, one who did not belong in this world. And even if he didn't get back home... he would not stay here.