I wandered along empty hallways until they started to suffocate me.
I had slept late; I had done so since the day of the crowning, the eventful day that had proved to be too much for my strained self. The word came from the Warden of the Houses of Healing, permitting me to be free of my duties for a week; apparently, he did so with many of the nursemaids and healers, to give them time to rest a bit. I presumed other people came to take their places, but was ashamed to confess that I was a little glad of this break.
I spent quite a lot of time with my father and my brothers, until they started to get me. Oh, the three younger ones were as usual, teasing me about everything, most of all my job in the Houses and the need to tend to the injured and some of the dirtier tasks than needed to be performed… it ended with me saying angrily that Sauron had probably not been defeated, but fled from his realm when his spies told him that the Prince of Dol Amroth was bringing his sons with him.
Father had had quite a laugh over that.
In fact, Father was very caring and considerate and kind…terrible. I was not used to that kind of cosseting, after years of fighting over the slightest thing.
Éowyn had laughed at me when she heard this.
"You are being unreasonable, Thíri. You are mad at your brothers for treating you just like they always do, and at your father for being gentle with you?"
"Oh, I do not know," I groaned. "I am a fool, Éowyn, I really am."
She gave me a thoughtful look, then smiled slightly.
"Have you talked to my brother?" she suddenly enquired.
I felt my cheeks burn. Talked, indeed…
"What does that have to do with anything?" I demanded angrily.
"Oh, nothing," she said innocently, her eyes sparkling merrily. "I just thought he might want to…know you better. I told you he fancied you."
I sighed. "I have heard that all the married women in the world always try to play matchmakers for those who are still…free, but you have not even been trothplighted to start these talks!"
"Well, I would rather fancy you for a sister-in-law," she said lightly, for which I gave her a punch in the side.
Then, there was Faramir. I was proud of his gratitude, of course, and glad that I had managed to make him happy, but his anxious attention to me ever since was starting to weary me considerably. At times, I was able to look upon myself from aside and wonder at my sudden desire to be left alone. I loved my cousin, and these past days had made us very close, but now he seemed to have become one of those who irritated me with their mere presence.
I was constantly berating myself for this, calling myself a fool and a very ungrateful person, and I felt much like I had all this time before, when everyone called me childish and silly.
Deep inside, I knew the reason for that.
Éomer.
I had tried to evade him ever since the day we kissed. If asked why, I very probably could not explain that. I just did not like the way my heart started to pound in his presence, or the strange things I did when he was near…like kissing him. The cloak he had lent me was still in my chamber, for I could not bring myself to return it; I thought he might be offended by that, although he might have just given it to me out of kindness.
Stop that, I ordered myself. Kindness, huh! You do not go about kissing people you barely know out of kindness.
I gave a loud sigh, and suddenly a male voice said, "I wonder what could be troubling you so, my lady."
I nearly jumped and found out I was standing in front of an open door of an office, an inside that office was the King himself.
I simply stared at him, quite unable to produce anything coherent. I did not even notice I had made it to the King's apartments!
However, he smiled and beckoned me in.
"Please, enter, my lady," he said. "I should rather welcome a distraction from all this," and he pointed to a heap of loose parchments on the desk.
"I thought Faramir would be helping you," I remarked, stepping inside.
The King grinned at me. "Surely, he would stay here day and night if he had it his way! But I could not be so cruel as to keep him from the Lady Éowyn now! She is to depart with her brother soon, and a couple of days of being buried under this will not change anything, will it?"
I smiled at him, finding myself suddenly shy. He behaved in a very simple manner, trying to let me know that it was all right for me to be here and interrupt his work, and yet now it was the King before me, and I could not help feeling a bit scared.
"Pray sit, my lady, I am most ill-mannered to have kept you on your feet for so long," he said, standing up and indicating a small couch. I went to it and sat on the very edge, while he turned the chair around and sat astride it, much like my brothers did when in private.
He must have seen something in my face, as he suddenly laughed, bowing his head and touching the chair's back with his brow.
"I have still to learn more of kingly demeanour," he said apologetically. "But where would one do that if he spends most of his life in the woods?"
"I wish I could go there for some time," I said vehemently and was amazed at my own words.
His expression changed as he went to sit beside me.
"Feeling a little lost, are you not?" he said softly. "Waiting is a difficult thing… and the days that passed have not been the easiest ones. Nor have the battles you had to fight, Lothíriel."
Suddenly, I felt tears threaten in my eyes.
Stop it, I said to myself angrily.
"Why not tell me all about it, child?" his voice was all compassion and warmth.
And then it happened, and I found myself weeping as I never had before, words pouring out along with the tears; I clutched his tunic frantically with both hands, gasping for air. My chest hurt as if a knife had been plunged into it and left there. I was angry and frustrated, telling myself that I should not be doing this, that this was the King of the realm, and it was not fitting for him to hold a hysterical woman, but nothing helped.
He never moved or spoke, just shifted a bit, cradling me in his arms, as my father would, listening to all my woes, and his hand was stroking my head lightly. I could not pull away from the touch; it was so comforting and warm that my reservations gradually wore away, and I let myself sink fully into his embrace.
"Better now?" he asked when my tears finally began to subside.
I nodded mutely, still pressed against his broad chest.
"Sorry…" was all I could manage.
"Do not be," he said gently, patting my back. "Tears are not always bad."
"I… I did not mean to weep, I just… oh, I do not know how it happened…" I whispered miserably, still hiding my face in his tunic.
"Shh, I understand," he said soothingly.
"But I do not," I said, finally pulling away and sniffling. "I… I am not supposed to weep, am I, with the war over and my family all alive and all… but I just have. I do not understand it!"
He made me sit more comfortably, still keeping his arm around my shoulders.
"Lothíriel," he said, looking me in the eye, "you have been under such a strain over these past days, and now that everyone is back, all you do is hear their tales of war, and no one listens to you… and I believe you have much to tell. It is hard, is it not? I mean, being cheerful and lively and supportive, until this mask grows fast to your face, and no one is able to see past that. You end up seeming to all a creature without a care in the world, but the wounds you carry do not become any less painful, do they?"
I felt tears trickling down my face again and pressed my hands to my face, struggling to keep my control over myself.
"Lothíriel?" he called softly.
I forced myself to look at him, though all was blurred before my eyes.
"You do not wish to burden anyone with that. Am I right?"
"Yes," I replied. "They are so happy to be back, to see me… I could not bear to alter that in any way. And Faramir, or Éowyn… they had known enough pain. I will never add mine to theirs."
I straightened my back, forcing myself to calm down. This would pass, as had all my griefs before.
The King placed his hands on my shoulders.
"This is no childish whim, Lothíriel, and I do not want you to torture yourself because of it. But I understand your desire to spare your loved ones. One thing I ask of you," he caught my chin firmly in his hand, "I beg you never to hesitate to talk to me, should you feel the need. I would not have you in pain. Do you promise me that?"
I nodded, feeling a great sensation of peace and warmth envelope me. He was truly a great man.
"Now to this question of Éomer," he proceeded.
I was mortified. Surely I had not told him that, too?
He laughed softly. "My lady, please do not think that I might disapprove. Actually, I am very happy already, for Faramir and Éowyn, and should be happier still if there were another alliance between the two kingdoms."
I started at the word 'alliance', but he squeezed my shoulder and smiled encouragingly, "Please, my lady, believe me when I say that your own happiness is not the least of my concerns."
I nodded, then said shyly, "You have already started to call me by my name, my lord, and I do not mind this."
He smiled at me once again, "I shall not ask you to return the favour, as you might still feel a bit reserved, but, in time, I hope you too see me as a friend first, and then your liege lord."
He went back to his chair and mounted it once more.
"About Éomer," he continued, "I think it would be best if you two talked. He seems most unhappy now that you abandoned him. I wondered what might be the cause of that… now I see."
I stared at him. "My lord, surely you would not want me to come to him and speak first?"
"Oh!" he cocked his head. "And why would that be?"
"But…but…" I stuttered, perplexed, "that would not be…well, proper?"
He laughed merrily, then said, "These are not usual times, my… Lothíriel, that is. And, to say the truth, I am mildly surprised by your words. You have always seemed a lady who knows her ways and follows them, and to hell with everything! Yet now I see a very meek girl who can barely look me in the eye! I do not see that as an improvement, if you want my opinion."
That annoyed me, and he raised his hands in mock surrender, still laughing.
"All right, Lothíriel, all jesting aside, I also care a lot for this suitor of yours, and wish to see him happy, too. Which I do not see now. He is lonely too, you know. One that was as a father to him is dead, and his sister seems too…hmm…preoccupied with her own affairs…my, am I getting tired of this court gibber! And then you go into hiding. Not very nice of you to add to his sufferings, is it?"
"My lord, please do not try to make me feel guilty," I retorted angrily. "I assure you that I am perfectly capable of taking care of my… suitors."
"Ah, some of the old spirit back," he grinned, instantly making me grin in return.
As I hesitantly went along Rath Dînen, I felt an icy chill slowly creep into my body. I had already heard rumours of my uncle's death, but they were to horrible to believe; I comforted myself with a thought that gossip was usually much exaggerated, and with the fact that Faramir appeared very calm. I hated to think that my uncle had indeed tried to murder his son; and still more unwelcome was the thought that, should it turn out to be true, my cousin will get yet another blow.
I entered the Hallows, trying to quieten my steps; any sound seemed a sacrilege, an act of utter disrespect for those lying here…though they probably did not care about a girl who was brought here by sheer chance.
I saw the torches surrounding the bed on which the dead King had been placed; there were twelve all in all, I noted, with my usual habit of counting things like steps of the stairs. I had heard there had been also guards, but now there appeared none.
The King was lying on the bed, covered with a cloth that shimmered gold in the bright torchlight; his sword was on top, unsheathed, and that also gleamed faintly. I had never seen the King Théoden in life; I was a bit scared to see him now, dead. People said he looked as if he slept; for me, there was none of this. No sleeping man had a face of this yellowish hue, or such hollow eyes, or such strangely pointed nose. I was dismayed not to see any beauty or grandeur in this, like everyone else did, or said they did; but then, I might have seen too many die and dead in the Houses of Healing to revere death.
I took another step closer and saw Éomer.
He was kneeling by Théoden's side, head resting on his arms; his whole posture spoke of extreme weariness, of grief that was almost too great to bear. I got slightly alarmed, for I had been told he had gone inside about two hours before, and I had thought that he might have left without them seeing him, but there he was, standing silent guard over the one who had been a father to him for most of his life.
He did not move; he obviously had not heard me enter. I approached him and knelt at his side, touching his shoulder with my hand.
He stirred, as if from sleep, and blinked at me with tired eyes.
"Lothíriel," he said in a hoarse voice, "what are you doing here?"
"The King Elessar said you were here," I said.
He nodded wearily, "So I am."
"You are cold," I observed, bringing my hand to his cheek. "You have been here long."
He turned to the bed again, not saying anything.
"Let us go," I said. "You will be ill if you stay here longer still."
He did not seem to heed me at all. He stared mutely at the dead King, then reached his hand to touch his brow.
"I am to take his place," he said unbelievingly. "I cannot. Well, I guess I must, but this is so difficult. I was never meant for this. It was Théodred. We used to jest about this, he becoming King and I his chief advisor…not that I could offer any advice, but he said my duty would be telling everyone that he is busy or indisposed while he would be riding somewhere in the fields, and Uncle joined us in laughter…"
His voice trailed off, and he lowered his head again. I stayed beside him, letting my hand fall to my side, but inching closer to him, until I could feel his body close to mine.
Suddenly, he looked at me sharply.
"Why are you here, Lothíriel?" he asked.
"Because the King thinks you need me," I said bluntly.
"And you?"
"I do not know. Do you?"
He gave me a sad smile. "Do you need to ask that?"
"No, I guess not," I shook my head. "That is, then, why I am here."
He looked at me closely. "Lothíriel…"
"No, listen to me. I was scared. I was scared to death, because all this was too…rushing, because I have never…"
"Met a man who would behave so with a lady of your standing," he interrupted. "I understand. And I shall understand it if you say that you were just carried away by the heat and bustle of it all, that I was too…insistent, that your lack of experience made it difficult for you to keep me at a distance. I shall understand that. But please believe me that I never meant it to be just an adventure. Since the day when I first saw you, you have been on my mind. Do you remember how we met in that dusty pantry? You were there, so lost and frightened, and yet so stubborn and proud, you even did not want me to walk you to your chamber…and I was taken, on that very day, with the girl who had cobwebs in her hair, but it looked like a most magnificent crown… And then you came to my sister and drew her out of her apathy, when I thought such thing was totally impossible, and that was when I started to love you. When I was to depart, I was desperate to tell you of this, but all I could do was kiss you and make some stupid jest, and you seemed hurt by that, but I thought it was good. I did not know if I would return, and I did not want you to suffer.
"Now you are here, and I am alive, and there is one thing I beg of you: please let me prove how truly and devotedly I love you. I realise that you might not feel ready for this, but I promise to be as patient as will be needed. You know that I am to be King; but it is not the crown or any riches that I want to give you. They are all but dust, lost as easily as gained, and you are too noble to pursue such things; what I offer you is myself, as I am. I swear it in the presence of him that was a true father of mine."
I was stunned by this simple and fervent declaration; however, what I did was smile and cup his face gently with both hands.
"First thing you have to learn when dealing with me is not to interrupt me," I said. "What I meant to say was that I have never felt thus about any man. Nor do I think I ever shall, that I can also swear in his presence," I nodded to the dead King.
I did not dare to kiss him there; the place being what it was; so I just embraced him tightly, and he encircled me with his arms, too, leaning so that I could feel the touch of his cheek and the warm wetness as his tears spilled onto my face.
TBC
WONDEREYE, glad that you did!
Elenhin… well, thanks, I guess :) Great you liked Merry telling Eomer!
Lindahoyland, there's some Aragorn for you.
Catwraith, I am soooo flattered!
Raksha the Demon, sorry to disappoint you! Still, I think he would be nervous, after those years and years of waiting for a King, and then, something always goes wrong during these ceremonies!