I could only guess that the feeling of total unreality was what a person got from loving someone for the first time ever.
Perhaps it was because of the start of it all. Perhaps, had it gone in a conventional way, with being formally introduced to each other, and a reasonable share of courtship under the approving eye of family and acquaintances, and exchanges of witticisms, we would both feel differently. Now, I realized that our relationship could be seen as scandalous in a way.
Walking around alone at odd times of the day; kissing and holding each other; my beloved asking me first for my hand, not my father, as was usually done… Not that I was ungrateful for these. I enjoyed and treasured every moment I spent with Éomer, and he certainly felt the same. But it kept me in a constant state of wonder that this should be happening to me.
In our first time together, I wondered if he did not want my presence only to have someone, no matter who, at his side. As we stood kneeling in the Hallows, he wept quietly in my arms, and it tore at my heart to see him so heartbroken. He had obviously been very close to his uncle, and, being an army commander, could not allow himself to release his grief in front of his men. In fact, he felt much the same as I did, not wanting to taint others' happiness; only I had bumped into the King and had a good cry on his shoulder (which, notwithstanding his kindness towards me, was still making me deeply embarrassed every time I saw him).
However, I chased these thoughts away as unbelievably silly very soon, as I could also see such deep trust in his eyes every time he looked at me that it took my breath away. It never stopped to amaze me, as well as the fact that my father seemed quite at peace with my choice.
I had never been one to let the sleeping dog lie, so I once asked Father about it.
"Would you have it another way, Lothíriel?" he raised his eyebrows at me.
"No, of course not, but I expected you would choose a different husband for me. He is very unlike you, or anyone from Gondor or Dol Amroth."
He laughed. "Never have I had a ridiculous idea of choosing one of your brothers' likeness for you to marry, dear! I love you too much for that, you know. And, believe it or not, I consider you a rather capable young lady. Hmm… if this had happened before the war, I would still have had certain reservations, but now I am sure that you have chosen wise. You have changed a lot, Thíri."
He leaned close to me, winking conspiratorially.
"Besides," he whispered, "I do approve of the man. And it flatters me to think of you as a future queen. Why, this is quite a good match you have made, child!"
I laughed, "What a scheming sort of a father I have. I wonder if you did not talk it over with Éomer on your way back from Mordor."
He laughed, too, and hugged me close. "No, I have not, but the thought did cross my mind."
The two most delighted with the news were, of course, Éowyn and Faramir.
Éowyn was ecstatic; she embraced me so tightly that I could not breathe and told her so.
"Do you mean to say that my brother does it in a gentler manner?" she teased.
I blushed to the roots of my hair.
"You look just lovely," she laughed. "Oh, Thíri, I am so happy to have you for a sister! Not that it would change anything, of course. I have long thought of you as one."
Faramir was happy to hear the news, too, he looked a little overwhelmed with his own affairs; the new King made him Prince of Ithilien, the ruler of the land he loved so much, and appointed Beregond, his faithful guard and rescuer (one of rescuers, to be more exact), the captain of the White Company at Emyn Arnen.
"I never expected anything like that," he confessed to me, as we were taking a stroll in a small back garden. "Even being kept as the Steward… why would he do that?"
"Perhaps he needs you," I said simply.
"Well, yes," Faramir agreed, "it must be pure hell for him, not knowing of the state of affairs in the country, and ways things are done here… You know, this Beregond thing, he looked through whole piles of old law records, to give the man as light a penalty as possible! I can believe he needs a helping hand, and that I will gladly give him. But being honoured like this…" he shook his head in disbelief.
"Enough of this," he said, stopping and taking both my hands in his. "When are you planning to marry, cousin?"
I shrugged.
"Not so soon, Faramir. Rohan has been afflicted by this war most severely, and Éomer will have first to think of his country, and then marriage…what?"
He was laughing quietly.
"Forgive me, Thíri," he finally said, pulling me closer to himself, "only you sound so much like a queen already! Always putting others' needs before her own happiness…"
I pushed him away angrily, but he swept me in his arms and span me round until we fell to the ground, laughing like mad.
"Oh, cousin, I do love you," he said breathlessly, grinning at the evening sky. "I seem to have missed so much not having a younger sister!"
"Well, I could certainly do without another older brother," I shot back, quite insincerely.
"So…it is tomorrow, right?"
He nodded, then sighed and buried his face in my hair, embracing me from behind.
"If only you could go with me," he said after a while. "Now that I know I have you, it will be so hard to part."
"It will not be for long," I said, reaching my hand behind me to stroke his head.
"Not long!" he exclaimed. "At least a month!"
I turned to face him and trued to sound reassuring.
"You will have your sister."
"Indeed," he snorted. "You have been honoured with a sight of a brooding Éowyn, have you not? She turns rather…destructive. Sometimes self-destructive, but I think this will not be the case this time. I am almost glad to be marrying her off to your hero cousin! What are you laughing at?"
"Do all who love each other always fight that much?" I said, snuggling close to him.
"No, certainly not all," he replied, kissing the tip of my nose. "We two have a very healthy relationship, Lothi."
I looked up to meet his eyes. "Lothi? No one ever calls me that."
"Oh, you say so? Well, I will."
I sighed contentedly, "Good."
"Why?"
"A new name alongside with a new life coming… There is reason in that," I explained.
He laughed softly, lifting me slightly off the ground.
"You know, now I am pretty sure that I love you," he said.
I feigned indignation, slapping his hand, "Now? And what about before?"
"I am serious, Lothi," he said, pulling me to one of the benches and making me sit. "Sometimes, things do become so confused! What I meant to say was that it is not that I admire your beauty… oh, damn, of course I do, but this is not the most important thing. I want to hold you, and to hear you speak, and I do actually want to know what it is that you say! And, you know…"
He pulled me closer, seating me in his lap.
"There is one thing I want to do with you that I have never done with any woman before," he whispered in my ear. "I want to jest with you. You do it so wonderfully, not just to boast you wit, but to make people laugh, and this is something I love about you most. You…you are such a sunny person, Lothi. Just what one needs at these times."
I did not say anything, just kissed him lightly, settling more comfortably against his shoulder.
"Do not even think of falling asleep on me, young lady," he said threateningly, giving me a shake. "What is the point of opening one's heart to the like of you? You either laugh or dose off."
"Someone has just told me he liked my jests," I pointed out.
He laughed and kissed me again.
After several more minutes, he called to me hesitantly, "Lothi?"
"Yes?"
"Do you think you will be able to live in Rohan?"
"I have not a slightest idea, Éomer," I answered. "I have never been there. I shall tell you after I have seen it."
"Lothi!" he groaned.
"You are being silly, dear," I chuckled. "I promise I shall be as happy as you want me to. I am too tough to get homesick so easily."
We sat huddled together for another while.
"You are falling asleep, dear," he said. "I shall get you to your room."
"I can walk," I protested drowsily.
"The hell you can," he muttered, scooping me up.
"I heard that," I giggled, earning another kiss.
The Rohirrim left the following day, their departure being almost as grand as the crowning itself. I gave Éowyn a strangling embrace and was surprised to see her in tears; but then, the first thing she had done in the morning was go to see her dead uncle, which was followed by heartfelt farewells with Faramir, and Merry, and many other she had come to know during her stay.
"Take care of Faramir for me, please," she whispered in my ear. "He… these days will be hard for him."
I stole a glance at my cousin; he smiled bravely at us, but he looked pale and weary, and his eyes were distant.
"He learned about his father's death, yesterday…" Éowyn said quietly. "We talked about it, and… oh, Thíri, I would give everything to stay with him now!"
"I shall try to do what I can, Éowyn," I promised.
Éomer had already mounted his horse; we exchanged smiles, remembering both our talk of the evening before and our more than passionate farewell, interrupted by Erchirion bursting into the room and demanding of me to sew up a hole in his breeches, the aforesaid garment in his hands and none of the kind covering his legs.
As they paraded before us, among general cheer and praise, I felt a small hand press itself into mine.
"Merry!"
He grinned at me, squeezing my fingers. "Got the ale, so I heard?"
I laughed, putting my arm around his shoulders.
"That was a good bet, was it not?"
"There should have been another one, but I feared you throwing away my pipeweed when I slept for this," he said with perfect seriousness.
"And what would that be?" I asked playfully, able to imagine it quite well.
"I think you have already guessed," he shrugged.
As Éomer was passing us, smiling at me, I threw him a cream-coloured rose. However, a sudden gust of wind brought it straight to the face of a Marshal who rode behind. The man caught the rose, but then Éomer, to the amazement of many, held his horse and, when abreast with the Marshal, held out his hand, frowning. The poor rider gave him the flower, looking very sheepish, but Éomer produced a broad grin and brought the rose to his lips, turning his gaze to me.
That was a memorable moment, and I nearly groaned aloud at the thought of the gossip that was sure to follow this open display of affection. We were not even officially trothplighted!
However, all I could see was warm, friendly smiles at everybody's faces, my family's (oh, the teasing I was to endure afterwards!), Faramir's, the King's, the hobbits'… So I assumed an extremely haughty air and nodded at Éomer gravely, though my face must have been burning red.
Later, tired with celebrating, to tell the truth, I returned to the Houses of Healing.
The welcome they all gave me was overwhelming; even the Warden looked happy to see me back. I was truly grateful to them for not bowing to me and just being glad to see their old friend again.
In the kitchens, I came across Miri.
"Lothíriel!" she cried delightedly, flinging her arms around my neck and nearly making us both fall.
"Mother?" came hesitant from behind her.
I stood gaping as she took in her arms a little girl of about three years of age, with wavy dark hair, big bluish grey eyes, and a prominent bruise on her brow. I remembered her as one of the little orphans affected by Black Breath, and one of the first to recover after Aragorn tended to her.
"Meet Luthien, my daughter," Miri said quietly, tears springing to her eyes. She tucked the child's head under her chin, to hide them from her view, but the girl wriggled free and stroke her new mother's cheek in a most touching way.
Miri kissed the child on the cheek, tears spilling over. I wrapped my arms around both of them.
"Such a beautiful name. I am so glad," I whispered. "For both of you."
"Almost too good to be true, is it not, Lothíriel? Makes you fear to lose it."
The Warden stood before me as I sat on the bench under the cherry tree, now in leaves.
I looked at him long, then smiled and shook my head.
"No, Master Warden," I said. "It is just good. And true. And I am not afraid to lose it. I will not let it happen."
"You know, child, I trust one such as you can make a promise like that," he smiled in return.
He sat down at my side, and we watched the sunset together.
TBC
Yes, I know it's fluff not angst, but I got tired of that.
Lindahoyland, thanks for your praise. Not always feel I deserve it, but a bit of flattery is good :)
Elenhin, the usual good in-depth analysis. I'm glad you see into it so deeply! Sorry my reply is not as long, but I can make up for it by mail.
Raksha, just thanks. I love your honesty, and the way you keep me down when I start inflating with pride:)
Thayzel, you hit the mark with that long paragraph. Thanks! As to crying on the King's shoulder... no, I am not going to argue; in my experience, no one really changes opinions whatever you say, so - sorry if I disappointed you!