Kakashi's Singleness
By: Violettachan
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and its related characters.
Gah, can't believe I haven't updated this in two months. My other work is of higher priority and hope you all will be patient with me.
Thanks to cdkobasiuk for this chapter's idea. If anyone else has suggestions for chapter themes please leave them in a review and I will try my best to incorporate them into the story.
And I suppose it's already been AU for a while, but I thought that I might actually make it "official" by announcing it.
Ninja:
The regular jounins had been together drinking and someone (Kakashi had already forgotten who) had asked, "When you were in the Academy, what did you want to be other than a shinobi?" Kakashi snickered as he remembered the intensity with which Gai proclaimed that he would have still been a teacher to help ignite the eternal flame of youth. Everyone had howled with laughter when Kurenai "accidentally" let it slip that Anko had once wanted to be a housewife with three children for an Academy crush—Ibiki. Anko swore that he had been the sweetest little boy, but no one could remember or imagine such a thing. The thought of children with Ibiki and Anko traits made everyone laugh nervously.
When the questioning turned to him, Kakashi hadn't been able to remember anything he had even considered being, other than a ninja. But of course he wouldn't admit to something so boring, and had chosen the occupation, "porn star." Though now that he thought about it, he wondered why nobody doubted that a little Kakashi even knew what "porn" was…surely they didn't think he had been a full-blown pervert by the age of six?
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All of his life Kakashi had never thought of being a shinobi as a choice. It was no less a given in his life than brushing his teeth in the mornings. Why? Well, he had grown up in a ninja village with ninja parents. And if passing the chuunin exam by the time he was six didn't determine his career choice, what could?
Like most people, Kakashi did not have very many memories of his youngest years. This meant that Kakashi had a mere handful of recollections of his pre-ninja life. And even in these memories, there were always hints of shinobi life overshadowing any normalcy—the ningu for birthday presents, the target practice as father-son bonding, the family insignia stitched onto sweaters his grandmother knitted...he supposed it was the same for anyone who grew up in a ninja family.
He had been enrolled in the academy at an extremely young age by his parents. They had been eager to promote the growth of their "little genius." Too bad Kakashi had never gotten the chance to ponder whether it was the right choice for him. Even though many ninjas decided their careers very early in life, most were at the age where they at least knew that there was a choice to be made.
Everyone around him had been so excited at how quickly he was promoted to chuunin, jounin, and on to ANBU, that he hadn't even been able to voice his doubts. Did he miss out? What if he had also been a genius in other things. Maybe he could have been an artist? A physicist? A writer of both perverted and non-perverted literature? Okay, so all his attempts at writing anything were pretty pathetic, but perhaps if he had grown up in a different environment…
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As a kid he had no chance to grow up normally. While other kids were playing and learning how to form social skills, their place in life, their likes/dislikes…he was learning how to deceive, infiltrate, and kill. While the boys his age were play-fighting and pretending to be heroes, Kakashi was already learning how to put on a neutral mask as friends and foe alike succumbed to death. Before even having his first crush, Kakashi had to infiltrate a whorehouse orgy. He had been so disgusted that he shied away from any physical contact for a long time after. And his first experience had been wooing and sleeping with a nobleman's daughter to gain knowledge of military secrets.
Kakashi still envied the blushing first love of young couples. It hurt to know that he would never understand how it felt to awkwardly discover the wonders of the opposite sex. He was incredibly glad that such events hadn't turned him off sex permanently. He fondly remembered a few kunouchi who had been willing to help him work through his issues.
What was sad was that these issues were a mere tip of the iceberg. They were just the things that Kakashi was comfortable in remembering. The rest were locked in a box deep inside of him where he refused to look. Repression may not be healthy, but who could argue with a tactic that kept a man from self-loathing? It had been hard to receive the looks of adoration and hero worship from his peers (who were still children, while he was not). And he had thanked God for the mask covering his grimace. It was ridiculous that kids always tried to grow up so quickly, only to lament the days of their youth later. Too bad Kakashi didn't even have the luxury of having a youth to lament.
Despite all this, Kakashi knew deep down that if he was given another chance at life, he wouldn't hesitate to follow the same path. Konoha needed him, his comrades needed him, and his students needed him. That was enough for him.
More than any of his natural aptitude, his sense of loyalty made him a ninja first, before being a man. Perhaps he wasn't as happy as he could be in another walk of life, but he knew that he made a difference in the lives of the villagers. That was more than enough to give him the strength to keep going. Though many ninjas sneered upon Konoha for being too soft-hearted, Kakashi knew without a doubt that his village was one of the few that was worthy of the lives sacrificed in protecting it.
To Be Continued
Um, I didn't expect it to be so full of angst, but "killer" as an occupation just didn't lend itself to a cheerful chapter. I'll try to lighten things up the next chapter. I'm not too sure about this chapter, so let me know what you think.
Review Replies:
bobo3: Thank you for your very kind review. I appreciate the time you took for me. I immediately wanted to see your works, but was sidetracked into reading rythmteck's half of the story ; Um, yeah. So give me some time (they are quite long stories).
And let me go fangirl for a moment here:
Yei! I was reviewed by leafygirl!! If any of you haven't read her work, go do it now! She has grown wonderfully as an author. Her recent Kaka/Saku and Neji/Saku are a pleasure to read.
And a big thank you to: Darkness-ninja, sna, poprice (You're always reviewing. Love you!), IloveKakashi, and R.K.R.
Cheers,
Violettachan