CH. 3
What do you mean, plan B? Vincent asked. He hadn't counted on there being a plan B, especially after plan A had failed so miserably. He especially wasn't up to the new plan, considering the first one had ended with him copping a feel on a girl that he was old enough to be the father of. Cid however, was all the more determined.
I mean plan fuckin' B! What, did you think that the mission ended with you grabbing Yuffie's
Dammit Cid, I told you, that was an accident! Vincent interrupted. Ever since the little turbulence incident, as it was coming to be known on the Highwind, Vincent hadn't heard the end of it. Yuffie also had begun to act a little strange. She had taken quite an interest in Vincent, following him, insisting on being in his party, and wearing tops that could be described as profoundly small. This of course, delighted the rest of the Highwind's residence. There was nothing funnier than watching the quiet and solitary Vincent squirm around a 16 year old girl, and making him the butt of every joke. Barret had made sure that Vincent knew he would never be a babysitting candidate for Marlene. Cloud would say it was good for Vincent to finally get over Lucrecia. Tifa was giving to Yuffie on how to get Vincent to notice her Red XIII just shook his head and chuckled about how he would have to be the lone stoic member of the group now. Cait Sith continued to push shiny buttons at the controls. Cid just called Yuffie a nuisance that was getting in the way of the mission. Vincent was wondering if it was possible to die of humiliation. Plan B wasn't sounding very good, even if Vincent wasn't sure what Cid was brewing up this time.
Have ya ever dressed up like a woman, Vincent? Cid asked out of the blue. Surprised, Vincent spat out the tea Cid had made for them, and stared shocked at the pilot.
No Cid, I'm afraid that's Cloud's department. Vincent replied, not sure if he wanted to know why Cid was wondering about it.
Cid chuckled. Tifa and Aeris had shared Cloud's cross dressing experience with the group many times. Ironically, that story had been the inspiration behind Cid's next plan.
Funny that you should bring that up Vinny, cause, I was just thinking-
That can't be good. Vincent interrupted, afraid of what Cid was about to say next.
-Cloud got that Don to think he was woman, and even picked him over two very attractive and real women. Cid went on. So if Cloud could pass as a woman, surely you could! I mean you've got the most goddamned feminine looks about ya that I've ever seen on a man! It would be easy to do ya up real pretty, and no one would even recognize you either! Cid beamed at Vincent as though he had just thought up the most brilliant idea anyone could ever think up. Vincent just gaped at his friend, wondering if those were really cigarettes he had been smoking all this time.
Cid, I'm not totally clear on why you want me to cross dress for you, and I'm not sure I really want to know. Vincent said quietly to hide the fear that was sneaking into his cool and calm voice.
Cid turned bright red realizing how he must have sounded, and then doubled over laughing.
Oh Vincent, you poor bastard! I didn't mean for you to dress up for me! he laughed. Vincent sighed, a little relieved, but not entirely considering Cid still wanted him to dress in drag for some odd reason. I meant for you to dress up and fool Tifa, so you could see her change her shirt or something, and get a good look at those-
Vincent finished, completely deadpan.
Cid replied enthusiastically. Ya know, I could befriend you at a bar, and take you on the Highwind to impress you, right? So you meet everyone on the Highwind, and everyone likes you for my sake, and all that shit. Then we set it up so you and Tifa would be in a room alone, and you pour a drink on Tifa's shirt. So then, you can watch her change her shirt, cause chicks don't mind changing in front of other chicks right? Oh, oh, I've got an even better idea!
Vincent stared, facial expression unchanged, at the somewhat cracked pilot he somehow had befriended over the group's long journey. This is but one more reason why I should never get close to anyone, Vincent thought. He listened in astonishment as Cid suggested that Vincent enthusiastically try to clean the hell out of that stain, as he put it, once the cross dressed Vincent poured the aforementioned drink on Tifa's shirt. That way, Vincent would get to touch Tifa's breasts, and, if he was lucky, see them too if she happened to change her shirt right there. One hell of a plan, Cid proudly told Vincent.
Vincent calmly started. What did you put in your tea? It's obviously not the same thing I'm drinking. And are cigarettes the only thing you've been smoking?
Cid sighed, obviously frustrated. Come on Vincent! It's sure to work! You'd make a really good woman!
Oh how very sweet you are, Cid. Vincent replied sarcastically. What makes you think she wouldn't recognize me anyway? Then we would have a whole lot to explain. And why can't you be the one to dress up in drag? Why do I have to do all the dirty work here? Vincent crossed his arms and waited for an answer.
Think about it, Vincent! If we did a good job, nobody would recognize you! Haven't you ever seen The Birdcage? And ask yourself again why you can't dress me up in drag. With that, Cid took a step back, spread his arms out, and let Vincent take a good look at him. Vincent sighed. Cid was right. The answer was obvious. Cid could pass for a woman no more than Cait Sith's mog could pass for an old man with a thyroid problem. Vincent was the only candidate who could be considered. Seeing that Vincent was actually considering this, Cid pushed his plan a little more on his hesitant friend.
Come on Vinny! Have some balls, man. Cid said.
I suppose I achieve that by dressing as a woman? Vincent snapped. He didn't like the idea. Not at all. But the search for the truth about Tifa's chest was becoming an odd obsession for him, and he didn't want to cop out yet. Vincent closed his eyes and let out a heavy sigh, not believing what he was about to agree to do. Seeing Vincent had already given in, Cid smiled.
Can't believe I'm doing this. Vincent mumbled. Cid let out a hearty laugh and patted Vincent rather hard on the back.
Vinny, my man, I really owe ya one! You are one hell of a guy, ya know? When this is over, I'm taking you out for a night of drinkin,' all on me!
I certainly will be needing it, Vincent thought to himself. Then, much to Vincent's dismay, Cid flung his arm around Vincent's neck, and gave him an old fashioned and very aggressive noogie.
Come on you son of a bitch! I'll show you where Cloud keeps the girlie stuff from his night with the Don! Cid, said gleefully. Vincent looked up at Cid, still disgruntled by the sudden noogie.
He still has that stuff? Vincent asked.
Kind of makes ya wonder, huh?