Ch. 11
"He's going to ruin it, Vinny!" Cid was throwing a tantrum as he and Vincent were getting ready for their little excursion. Vincent was getting rather annoyed at Cid's fit, but he was doing his best to ignore it.
"Look, Cid I know things are going to be a bit trickier with Barret tagging along. But there's nothing we can do about it, so you might as well just shut up and help me scrounge up enough gil for tonight." Vincent and Cid had stopped in at the Shinra mansion because Cid had come up with the "brilliant" idea to dig around in all of the mattresses of the furniture in the creepy old house to find any much needed spare change that might have collected over the years. Vincent had been reluctant, reminding Cid that the dark and dank mansion was one place that held enough bad memories for him, and that to return would be to traumatize him yet further.
Cid had just rolled his eyes. "Vinny, you were a damn lab rat for crying out loud! Dr. Frankenstein knocked up the love of your life, and you spent thirty years in a coffin having nightmares about it and woke up to find the world comin' to an end! I think you can survive a few more minutes in that shit hole one more time!" With that, Cid had stormed off, leaving Vincent with his hand twitching over his gun holster, trying with the whole of his being to calm the raging Chaos within him.
Vincent sighed. Now he was back at that nightmarish mansion, listening to Cid yell and whine. He was beginning to believe that Cid had really wanted a place to go to rant and rave about the situation rather than to look for enough gil to ensure that everyone was good and drunk later that night.
'I don't think I'm going to want to remember this night,' Vincent silently mused. Cid proceeded to throw a fit.
"While we're at it we might as well invite Red XIII! He's a guy! Why not invite him for a "boy's night" out too! Not that he has opposable thumbs to drink with us, but hell, why not? The more, the fuckin' merrier!"
"Cid, would you calm down? It's not that big of a deal," Vincent suggested, but to no avail.
Cid continued. "And Cait Sith can come to with that creepy moogle of his! They're boys too, right? Well they may be mechanical little tinker toys, but who gives a shit, right? Hell, why don't we just take Tifa and ask her to strip! Ha! That's a plan right there!"
Vincent shrugged, giving up all attempts to shut the loud mouthed pilot up. It was futile, he realized.
"This is just like when Yuffie thrust her kiddy tits into your hands on our fuckin' first plan! We almost had the answer right there at the tip of your fingers, but no! That goddamned kid had to ruin it! First she steals the materia, and then she ruins our plans, the little bi-"
"Whoa, Cid! She's just a kid, so watch what you call her, okay? And check the cushions of that chair over there."
"Aaarrgh!" Cid shook his fists in frustration of not being able to finish a cuss word. It didn't stop him from complaining though.
"And then Tifa just had to ruin the plan of making you into a woman-"
"Cid, that was a disaster waiting to happen. We should be thanking Tifa for stopping that before it started."
"-and then Cloud just waltzes into Tifa's room that night at the inn like, 'oh yes, I'm Mr. Hotshit, here to satisfy you' and that plan goes down the fuckin' shitter! It's Barret's turn to fuck things up! Dammit, shit, sonuva-!"
Vincent listened to his friend get more and more creative with the curses and wondered if there wasn't a dictionary of obscenities from which Cid had been dutifully studying his whole life. When the storm died down a bit, and Cid was on the floor pulling his hair out, Vincent cleared his throat.
"Yeah!? What the hell do ya want? Speak up!" Cid snapped. Vincent held out his hand, which was full of extra gil.
"I can't believe that this plan of yours actually worked. I've found 15 extra gil," Vincent replied.
"I told you it would be worth it!" Cid said, as he handed him the lone gil that he happened to find as he was ripping up an old cushion in his earlier frenzy. Vincent shook his head.
"Thanks for helping out, Cid," he replied dryly as he pocketed the gil. "And I'd hardly say that facing the demons of my past in this hellhole was worth 16 gil, but whatever you say…"
"Yeah, yeah, shuddup," Cid replied as he lit up a cigarette. "Let's get outta here. It's creepy."
On the way out the door, Vincent realized just how much disastrous potential the night held, and grew rather nervous. It had been quite some time since Vincent had been out socializing, and he was never good at those sorts of things in the first place. He also knew that Cid was unpredictable and had nearly given them away before, and a drunk Cid was going to be ten times worse.
"Look Cid, about tonight. Let's not get too out of hand with the drinking. I mean, we want Cloud and Barret drunk, not us. If we say the wrong thing at the wrong time, we're finished," Vincent pointed out.
"Oh you leave it to me, Vinny. I guarantee that I can drink you all under the table. You're the one who'll need to watch yourself," Cid assured him. Vincent smiled wryly. It was true that he hadn't had a drink in thirty years. His tolerance for the stuff had probably diminished significantly since then.
Cid suddenly laughed. "Although, it would be damn funny to see you wasted off your scrawny, non-existent ass! I've already seen you laugh like a maniac, and with your eighties revival hair in the morning, and what you look like as a woman…Bwahahahahaha!" Cid slapped his knee, laughing until he was red in the face and his laugh had been reduced to a series of short, airy squeals. Vincent's eye twitched.
"My non-existent ass? When did you notice that, huh? When you were eagerly pulling panty hose on my legs, or was it when I wasn't looking?" Vincent asked. It worked like a charm.
"Oh, shut up!" Cid replied, now bright red from embarrassment. "Just the thought of your ass makes me need a drink!"
"Or a smoke," Vincent pointed out, as Cid was about to light up. Cid turned a little redder, and put the cigarette back in his pack. Vincent was surprised. 'This may be a way to actually get him to quit smoking,' he realized. Unable to resist he added, "Was it good for you too, Captain?"
As luck would have it, Vincent had added that last comment as the two entered the Highwind, with none other than Tifa to greet them. She giggled and winked at the two.
"My, my, my. Where did you two run off to in such a hurry?" she teased. Vincent smirked. "Now, Tifa, that's our secret," He winked. Tifa giggled again, and left the two alone.
Cid would have pummeled Vincent right then and there, if he wasn't afraid that Tifa would get another very wrong idea. Instead, he settled for socking him as hard as he could in the arm. Vincent couldn't help but laugh.
"Vinny, you're a damn pervert, you know that? If only the others knew you like I do. Now don't start all that shit again, unless you want me to shove my Venus Gospel up your ass!"
"Is that a promise?" Vincent asked with a laugh, as he watched Cid's face contort from confusion to shock to a mixture of embarrassment and anger at that comment.
"A damned perv!" was all he could manage before storming off from a very amused Vincent.
Later that night at the Gold Saucer…
"Man, it's been a long time since I had a good drink. Too bad Tifa ain't here. That girl can make a drink that'll bite ya' right in the ass!" Barret laughed.
"Yeah. I'll bet Tifa would have liked to come with us," Cloud replied wistfully.
"You wanna bet?" Cid replied. Vincent elbowed him in the ribs, and gave him an, "I'm warning you" look. Cid shut up quickly.
"So, Valentine, ya finally decided to join the world of the livin'? Good for you, man. I was starting to wonder about you, man. Thought you was a vampire, or some shi't," Barret said as the boys gathered around the bar. Vincent repressed the urge to role his eyes at that comment, deciding that he and Barret had rarely spoken, and he may as well not get off on the wrong foot with him, especially this night. In fact, Vincent had hardly spoken to anyone on the Highwind, save for Cid, which was by far the most unusual relationship with anyone he'd ever had. Vincent shifted uncomfortably, realizing that the entire night was going to be awkward for him, and probably for the others too, considering Vincent was all but mute to them, and now here he was buying them drinks. 'We'd better start drinking,' Vincent thought to himself.
"One beer, please," Vincent mumbled to the barkeep. The rest of the boys followed suit. As they sat sipping their beers, an awkward silence descended upon the group. They glanced around the room, trying their hardest to appear casual, clearing their throats every few minutes, and shifting in their seats.
"So…" Cid began slowly, trying to think of something to say. 'What the hell do four very different men talk about when they're just hangin' around?' Cid wondered to himself. He glanced at Cloud, who was looking around the room with a look on his face that seemed to signal that his brain was desperately looking for something to break the silence with. Barret was scowling like he always did, at something off in the distance that only he could see, and Vincent was staring gloomily into his beer, as though his reflection in the amber liquid greatly depressed him. 'Heh. Helluva group,' Cid thought to himself sarcastically.
'Wait a minute. What do me and Vinny usually talk about?' He pondered. 'Boobs! Vinny and I always talk about that! If there's something most men are interested in, it's boobs! Even Vinny the old prude likes 'em!'
"Hey, check out that chick over there. She's pretty hot," Cid said with a nod to a far corner of the room, to a scantily clad, blond woman with a physique that nearly matched Tifa's.
"Yeah, nice bod too," Barret agreed.
"Especially in that tight dress," Cloud added.
"…"
"Ahem," Cid pretended to clear his throat. "Don't you think she's pretty hot, Vinny?" Cid asked, trying to include Vincent in his brilliant ice-breaking conversation.
Cloud and Barret turned to Vincent, waiting anxiously for a reply from him, the inhumanly stoic Vincent, the mysteriously cold and distant, dark man, that apparently had only had eyes for a single woman in his entire life. But he was human, right? He was just another one of the guys, right? They leaned forward, the moment hanging by a thread, waiting on pins and needles for his reply.
Vincent looked up at his three companions, and suddenly felt like he was in high school again, peer pressure encouraging him to look at that woman over there, and ogle her like a some lech that…wait a minute, he thought to himself. I've been obsessed with Tifa's chest for some time now. I am a lech.
"She's very attractive," he finally said, as he took another sip of his beer. Barret and Cloud looked at each other, apparently taken aback, but satisfied with the response. Vincent was human, after all. They sat back in their chairs nodding in agreement. Then, it was quiet again. Sensing another awkward silence coming on, Vincent mustered up all his nerve, and continued.
"Of course, I prefer women with darker hair, as opposed to blondes."
Barret, Cloud and Cid stared at him. Now he was attempting to keep a conversation rolling?! A conversation about women?! Vincent shifted again as they stared and ordered another drink. Straight shots of whiskey this time. He had a feeling he would be needing it. Cid found his composure, and lit up a cigarette.
"Who cares what color her hair is when she's got a body like that?" He asked with a lecherous grin. "It ain't the hair I'm lookin' at."
"I don't know, I'm with Vincent on this one," Cloud replied. "Brunettes tend to be more attractive to me too. There's just something about them, eh Vin?"
"Mmmhmm," Vincent replied slowly. He poured a shot glass full of whiskey and offered it to Cloud. Cloud gave him a strange look, and then laughed a little, took the shot glass, and stated, "Here's to the brunettes!" and glanced expectantly at Vincent. Seeing that he was expected to drink to that, he poured himself a shot and mumbled, "hear, hear," and downed the shot. 'What have I gotten myself into this time?' he thought.
Cid couldn't help but laugh, thinking about Cloud and Tifa's little secret romance. "Yeah, it seems that you do prefer brunettes, Cloud," he said with a wink. Cloud blushed a little. "What do you mean?"
'Not yet Cid, he's not drunk enough,' Vincent thought, as he kicked Cid underneath the barstools.
"Ouch! Will you watch where you stomp your fuckin' pointy iron boots, Valentine?" Cid yelled. Luckily, Barret saved the conversation.
"Y'all don't know an attractive woman, till you been with a black woman. Now talk about hot women!" Barret ordered himself a shot of whiskey.
"See, Cid? Barret likes the brunettes too," Cloud said with a grin as he poured himself and Vincent another drink.
"Extra, extra brunette," Barret added, holding up his shot glass for a toast.
"Ah, hell, I'll drink to that," Cid said holding up his own glass. Reluctantly, Vincent picked up his shot to join in with his slightly buzzed friends.
"Of course, Cid, you'd drink to belly button lint, so it's not all that special now, is it?" Vincent mumbled sarcastically. Cloud and Barret cracked up. The shot glasses were empty again. Vincent sighed. This was going to be an interesting night.