Ch. 13

Vincent shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He looked around at his companions. All three were quite inebriated, including Cid, who was more than just slightly off kilter. There would be no help from him. In fact, at that moment, Cid and Cloud were engaging in an apparently heated thumb war, which Barret was attempting to referee. And there sat Vincent, silently wondering how he was going to bring up Tifa to Cloud without offending anyone or sounding like a pervert. Vincent sighed. He had never been one to start a conversation. It was difficult enough for him to carry one. And a conversation about...that? Even the alcohol in his system was not allowing him to loosen up enough. This was quite a challenge. Finally, Vincent decided that the only way to bring up the issue would be to act natural about it

'Perhaps if we started to talk about women again, I could ease into the subject of Tifa,' he thought to himself, mindlessly sipping on his drink. He caught himself after the unneeded alcohol reached his brain. He sat the drink down and scooted it away from himself a few inches, cautiously. 'Focus, Vincent, focus,' he scolded. He looked over to the other three.

"One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war..."

'Well, they seem preoccupied,' Vincent thought. 'I'll have to get their attention somehow...' He began to look around the room, and noticed several women in various parts of the bar staring at him and whispering. He sighed, slightly depressed.

'They must be disturbed by my chrome arm. I must seem monstrous to them...' he pouted, completely unaware of the fact that he was being drooled over. 'I wonder what Lucrecia would think of me if she saw me now...' Feeling a bit more depressed now, he quickly shoved that thought from his mind. 'No, Vincent. We need to bring up women, but not that one...' Again, he shifted and gave in to the temptation to take another sip from the potent drink Cloud had bought him. Feeling a bit better (perhaps a little too much better), he went back to his thoughts. 'Okay, women. Women. Women. Women...breasts...puppies...goddammit!..."

Just then, Vincent caught a glimpse of a woman across the room. She was quite attractive - in fact, very much so, with long black hair, fair skin, and large green eyes that were noticeable even across the room. She wasn't particularly busty, but he was sure that she would still catch the interest of the other men.

"Cloud, you sonuvabitch, you can't lift yer fuckin' elbow off the bar! That's cheating! It' cheating, isn't it Barret?" Cid was yelling. Barret shrugged. "I didn't see it. Vincent, is Cloud cheatin'?" Vincent glanced over at the other three, and saw his chance to start a conversation. He cleared his throat, feeling a bit ridiculous and embarrassed all of a sudden.

"I, um wasn't paying attention..." Vincent began, before Cloud started yelling, "I wasn't cheating! I didn't lift my elbow! Cid's lying! I'm not cheating!" Cid pounded his fist down on the bar angrily.

"Don't you call me a liar, ya' little shit! You know damn good and well that you lifted yer fuckin' elbow!" Cid yelled back. Vincent went on, hoping to catch their attention and calm their little battle over the validity of their thumb war.

"I was, um... there's a woman..."

Barret cut him off. "Look, I didn't see Spike lift his elbow, but I ain' sure, so we're just goin' to have to have a re-match." Cid was stubborn. "I don't want a re-match if this bastard is just gonna cheat!"

"This really attractive woman..."

"I didn't cheat, you old fart!"

"Old! What're you ramblin' about! Barret's older than I am! If anyone's an old fart, it's him!"

"She's standing over there...She's quite pretty..."

"What'd you say to me, cracka'?!"

"There's a really hot woman over there, that I wouldn't mind taking home tonight!"

That did it. The three of men looked at him, shocked by what they had just heard come out of Vincent Valentine's mouth. Even Cid seemed taken aback. Vincent's face went red, just as surprised as everyone else at his words. He had only meant to get their attention. Now he wished they would just go back to their stupid thumb war. The three of them began to laugh a little. Cloud pat Vincent on the back roughly.

"Well! So this guy does have a pulse after all!" Cloud teased. Barret laughed. "'Course he does! You remember that whole incident with Yuffie, don't ya'?"

Vincent groaned. Now that was going to have to be brought up. Naively, Vincent looked to Cid for help, who was busy giggling lecherously as well. Vincent could have killed the man.

"Vinny, you hornball! You just can't keep your mind or your hands off of the ladies can ya'?" Cid grabbed Vincent around the neck and gave him a very aggressive noogie. Vincent fumed, trying to keep control over Chaos. It was getting harder and harder to do that.

"So, go talk to her, Vinny. I'll bet she'd think yer real cute," Cloud encouraged. Barret nodded. "Yeah. You ain't got none in 30 years. It's about time." Vincent's face went even more red.

Cid teased him even more. "Yeah, 30 years is a long time. I don't know how yer balls keep from explodin'!" Cloud and Barret roared with laughter. Vincent himself was about to explode. Instead, he decided to play along.

"Yes, Cid. I suppose you would know about going some 30 years or so without sex. That doesn't surprise me in the least," Vincent struggled to keep his composure. It was exceedingly difficult for him to talk like this. 'Yet another sin,' he thought to himself. 'I can't believe I've sunk this low. I should have just stayed in my coffin...'

Cid scowled. "Bullshit, Valentine! I've gotten plenty! But it sure as hell ain't none of your business!" Cid went on. "Besides, I'm just waiting for the right moment to ask Shera out, and then we'll see who'll be gettin' some!" Barret, Cloud, and Vincent stopped and stared at the pilot. It was Cid's turn to go red. He had never admitted that to anyone. Cloud and Barret began to giggle. Vincent just smirked.

"Well, the truth is finally revealed!" Cloud exclaimed. "Just a bit of advice though, man. Make yer own 'goddamn tea' some time. That'll make her swoon."

"Yeah," Barret chimed in. "And how 'bout ya keep the insults to a minimum? Women 'ppreciate that. You'll be a real mack daddy in no time!" Barret and Cloud were laughing again, Vincent still smirking. Cid? Still red.

"Alright, alright, alright!" Cid finally yelled. "So you try livin' with a woman for years and not bein' interested!...especially a woman like Shera..." The last bit of the sentence was barely in a whisper, but not quite quiet enough for the other men not to hear.

"Awwww! How sweet," Barret mocked. Cid practically growled. "Alright, Wallace, when was the last time you had a piece, huh? I don't exactly remember you bein' the ladies man."

Barret huffed up. "Man, I ain't had time to chase tail! I got more important things to do, like fight Shinra, and raise Marlene up. Ain't nothin' wrong with that." With that, he took another sip of his drink, and sat back, satisfied with his dignified answer. It wasn't going to work though, not with Cid and Cloud anyway.

"Oh sure. Nice excuse. You should drop by the Honey Bee Inn some time. I'll baby sit Marlene for you. If anyone needs to get their uptight ass laid, it's you Barret," Cloud said. Barret wasn't having it.

"Oh, I ain't goin' by the Honey Bee Inn no time soon. It'd be too awkward to show up and see you hard at work with the other girls, ya' know," Barret replied. Cid was nearly on the floor laughing this time, and if Vincent had not been so understanding towards being forced to dress in drag himself, he might have been on the floor with him.

Cloud was angry. That had done it. He exploded.

"Well, at least I'm the only man here who's actually gotten some lately! While you all sit there and embarrass yerselves, me and Tifa have been doin'..." Cloud stopped cold on his last words. The other three just stared wide-eyed at him. This wasn't news to Vincent and Cid, but they finally had Cloud right where they wanted him.

"Doin' what?" Barret asked, a grin creeping across his face.

Cloud grabbed his drink and began to practically guzzle it. "Umm, nothing, nothing at all, I was just talking, I must be drunk, yeah I'm drunk and don't know what I'm talking about, hehe. So Vincent, you gonna go talk to that girl over there? She's really hot, I think you should go talk to her," Cloud took a breathe only long enough to take another swig of his drink, before grabbing Vincent's and devouring its contents as well.

"Why, Cloud! What a surprise. I had no idea about you and Tifa," Cid said stiffly. "Vincent, did you know about Cloud and Tifa? I know I didn't!" Vincent gritted his teeth, and wondered if Cloud could ever be drunk enough to not notice how awkward Cid was acting at this "new revelation." Thankfully, it seemed that he was.

"No, Cid. I didn't know," Vincent replied with a glare. Barret on the other hand, was sincerely surprised. "Well, well, Spike! How long this been goin' on? I know it was after Aeris..."

"Of course it was!" Cloud yelled. "I would have never done that..."

"But you did Tifa!" Cid blurted out. Vincent cringed. Bringing up Aeris had suddenly turned the mood serious. Cid could ruin it any second now...

"Yeah, you doin' Tifa, man!" Barret chimed in raising his glass to Cloud. Cloud grinned shyly. "Yeah..."

"Well, here's to you doin' Tifa!" Cid raised his own glass. Vincent sighed. 'So much for remembering sweet Aeris,' he thought. Cloud ordered another drink for Vincent, so Vincent could also partake in the toast. 'Here's to doing Tifa?' Vincent thought disgustedly as he took a swig of his drink. 'Oh, the depths to which I've sunk...'

"So Cloud," Cid said casually, bringing Vincent back out of his reverie. 'What's this idiot going to say now?' Vincent wondered grumpily.

"Are Tifa's puppies real?" Vincent gasped. He was already going to ask that?! It was too soon, too awkward, too...

"Puppies?" Cloud asked, puzzled. "I don't think she has any pets...why do you ask?"

"Not puppies, Cloud, puppies! You know what I mean?" Cid repeated as though he had just made his question crystal clear. Cloud just scratched his head, and looked more confused.

"Man, he ain't talkin' about dogs!" Barret laughed. "He's talkin' 'bout titties, man!" Vincent shifted uncomfortably in his seat for the millionth time that night. He wasn't too sure anymore about how Cloud would react to a question like that. If it had been Vincent, and someone had asked him a question like that about Lucrecia, Chaos would have burst through his psyche without warning. How would Cloud react?

Cloud laughed. He laughed and laughed, until he was practically unable to breathe. 'O...kay...' Vincent thought. 'He seems to be taking this well...' Cloud finally found his composure and then began to talk.

"Cid, ya' pervert!" Cloud playfully shoved at Cid. "Ya' noticed those things too, huh?" Cid laughed. "How the hell could I not! They're some damn big puppies!"

Cloud laughed even harder. "Puppies! Oh that's great, man! Why the hell would ya' call them, bwahahahaha (gasp) puppies!?" Vincent arched one eyebrow. Cloud seemed to be drunker by the minute. 'It must have been all those drinks he guzzled when he first told us about Tifa...'

Suddenly, Cloud stopped laughing. His face turned slightly pale, and he wrapped his arm around his stomach. "I don't feel so good guys," With that, his eyes widened, and he clasped his hand over his mouth, darted up from his seat and towards the bathroom, running into several people (and one wall) as he ran...