Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing to do with any aspect of CSI: Miami, or any of it's affiliates. I do not wish to make any profit from my writings. They are just for mild amusement.
A/N: This short story contains spoilers for '10-7'
It's from Calleigh's POV. She reflects on the after math of John Hagen.
As his brain matter fell onto the sleeve of my white lab coat, something inside of me snapped. I carefully placed the gun I was testing back into the gun cage, turned , and left. I remember not feeling anything but that one wet spot on my sleeve. Even after removing my lab coat, I could still feel it on my skin.
As I stepped into the elevator so many things ran through my mind. 'Is it my fault?', 'If I would have just paid a little more attention to what he was trying to tell me, would he still be here?', 'If I loved him like he wanted me to, would he still be alive?'.
I drove home on auto pilot, not thinking of anything. I head straight to my shower after I lock up. I scrub at that tiny spot until I bleed, but even when I see my blood I can still feel his. When I see my blood mixing with the shower water I don't react. The water pounds on my skin but I can't feel it. I sink to the floor of my shower stall as my life flashes before my eyes.
Someone I thought I trusted held a gun to my head. The water pours off my face as I relive every moment, the crisp clicks as he cocks the gun, the slight pressure as the barrel presses to my head, as I wait for my life to be over. I close my eyes and hope that when I open them this will all have been a bad dream.
When I get out of the shower I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling and I chastise myself for being so weak. I am stronger than this. I, Calleigh Dusquesn, am a strong independent woman. For the first time since everything has happened, I break down and cry.
I wake up hours later to my phone ringing. It's my dad, he heard about Hagen and wants to make sure that I am okay. I lie and say that I'm fine, when inside I am falling apart. My own words sound hollow to my ears. We say our good-byes. As I hang up the phone I realize that he is the only person who has checked up on me.
I hate feeling like a worthless nothing. I feel guilty that all I am thinking about is how this has affected me. John had a family that loved him. They must be in so much pain knowing that this good man took his own life, but I was there. I almost feel as if I pulled the trigger.
Hours have passed since getting off the phone with my dad. I hear a knocking at my door. I don't want to see anybody right now. I just want to be alone, but for some reason I open the door.
Horatio is standing there with a look of deep concern on his face. I let him in and close the door. I fall into him as he opens his arms to me.
"It was horrible"
the words are spoken so softly I'm not even sure I said them. As he continues to hold me I break down and cry again, only this time I don't feel so cold and alone, and this time I know everything will be okay.
A/N2: this is just my take on Calleigh's reaction after the fact.
R&R