Kitchen Confidentials
Spike and Buffy were in the kitchen, it looked remarkably like the kitchen in season six since this is the time that this story is set. Oh look, I've pulled down the fourth wall, that's very cutting edge, let me wave at you. Anyway, Buffy was perched on a bar stool, her head in her hands as she wearily listened to Spike as he paced about the kitchen, his duster flapping about almost as quickly as his mouth.
"God, Buffy", Spike strongly emoted, "You're a human being and I don't even want to run you down like a terrified animal and rip your throat out! That must mean something, yeah?"
Spike continued to pace up and down the kitchen in an agitated state, his blue eyes gleaming from unshed tears and a well positioned kitchen lamp.
"I do everything for you Summers, everything. I buy you candy, I get you beers for your birthday, I let you hit me and I offer you free home security by staking out your house every night. What more can I give you!" Spike whirled around, his voice strained with emotion and his hand clasped to his chest. "I ungel my hair and let it curl, I get backstreet surgery to make my cheekbones even more pronounced, I stare into your eyes and make declarations of love. God damn it, Buffy, don't you get it? I love you! It's just down right impolite not to love me back. Haven't you noticed how hot I am?"
Buffy tossed her mane of blonde curls back, her lip gloss glimmering from another strategically placed light. "Spike, I appreciate everything you've done for me and Dawn, honest, but how can I love you when you're an unrepentant murdering demon whose greatest thrill in life is to make people miserable and kill them. What would this say about me, Spike? How could I live with myself?"
Spike heaved a sigh of frustration. "You're not getting it Buffy, I was good to my mum and I wrote poetry. Plus I loved a girl who mocked me and made me cry, and then you made me cry, and I looked all vulnerable and shit. I've got sensitivity coming out of my arse, Buffy!" Spike said, nodding his head and crossing his arms as his winning point was made.
Buffy blinked a few times. "I'm sorry that I don't love you Spike, but you can't just make someone love you because you love them. And this isn't a good time for me at the moment. I've just lost my mother, died, been pulled out of heaven, become clinically depressed, I have to raise and provide for my sister and keep a roof over the heads of Willow and Tara, I've had to drop out of college and work in a fast food restaurant meaning that I now feel trapped and that I have no future hopes, my relationships with my friends are strained, I still have to go out at night and slay things before getting up at 7am to see Dawn off for school before heading into work meaning that I'm living on about five hours of sleep and no personal life. Oh, and funnily enough all this is not helping with the clinical depression and the fact that I wish that I was dead." Buffy gasped for breath, her lip gloss lips trembling as she burst into tears. "I just want my Mommy!"
"Oh, please, like my Mum isn't dead as well? Do you know how traumatic that was for me? She hit on me! Though I can't blame her considering how freckin sexy I am." Spike breathed another sigh of annoyance and sucked his full lips in, displaying his cheekbones like the work of art they were as he angled his eyes once more to catch another strategically placed kitchen light. "Quite frankly Buffy, you're a bitch. That's right, a bitch! Any woman who would refuse the advances of someone so good looking and attentive as me is a sodding bitch! So screw you Slayer, I've found someone else who can appreciate me for the shirtless god that I am."
Buffy tried to question as to who it was but annoyingly kept crying hysterically over the thoughts of her dead mother and her life. Spike decided to magnanimously overlook her selfishness and continued on.
"I've hitched up with Xander", Spike declared. "That's right, me and Harris. I'm trying to decide now whether to call him Pet, Whelp or Nummy Treat. I'm not sure which it's going to be, but once I've figured it out I'm going to make sure that I use his pet name in an annoyingly irritating and repetitive fashion. You mark me words, Slayer". Spike gave a menacing look and a look of pure fear rippled across Buffy's face.
Spike looked up from his dire threats, a pleased look on his face as he recognised the newcomer. "'Ello, 'Arris, 'ow are you, Spike cried, a wave of unused H's plummeting to the floor. He grabbed the carpenter/construction worker/donut deliverer in a possessive one-armed hold. "This here Summers, is my new consort."
Buffy's mouth finally closed after hanging open with shock. "What the hell are you doing with Xander, Spike? And what the hell is a consort?"
"Don't rightly know what a consort is, but apparently it means that Xander has to do everything that I say, so I'm not questioning it too much." Spike patted Xander on the head and fed him a dog treat. "And what do you say, NummyWhelpPet?"
"Thank you, Master", Xander cried, slobbering over Spike's hand in excitement and barely restraining himself from peeing all over the carpet.
Spike grabbed Xander's arms pulling him towards the back door. "I'm out of here Summers, going to treat my pet to a bit of rough alley sex because at least he can appreciate me for the romantic fool that I am." Spike whirled around for one last retort, his sexy man lip curled in disdain. "Oh, and by the way Buffy, me and your 'true love' Angel, we used to do the nasty, so there!" With that Spike slammed the door and strode into the night, Xander hunched over and trailing behind him yelling "Master, Master!".
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Oh please, like that wasn't obvious.