I have been told that the last chapter was not very in character. Well, let me assure you; THIS character is very much in the chapter. The rating for this baby is R, but the person tends to drop the f-bomb on a regular basis. I've glossed over it in a few spots, but you have been warned. Some things to know.
1) Persephone: daughter of Demeter, captured by Hades. Because she ate some seeds from a pomegranate (fruit of the dead) she has to stay in the underworld for half of the year.
2)Jason: a prince, charged with finding the golden fleece to regain his kingdom. He was accompanied by 50 men, among them- Heracles (Hercules). Heracles's squire, Hylas was taken by a water nymph on an island, and Heracles went off looking for him. Jason had to sail without him on his ship called the Argo. He later married, and then abandoned the sorceress Medea
3)Icarus: he and his father escaped from king Minos by means of wings held to gether by wax. Icarus flew too close to the sun, his wings melted, and he fell into the ocean and drowned.
4)I'm supposed to credit Lauren with the idea for the beginning of this chapter, though she didn't think of the monkey meat, Megan, so don't kill her.
Lindsay the grumpy hermit goddess was sleeping peacefully on her island, when a light touch on her head and soft guttural noises awoke her. "Megan," she whined, "go away." But the thing assumed to be Megan wouldn't leave the goddess alone. A sudden and sharp yank at her head jolted Lindsay totally awake. Rolling over slightly, the hermit came face to face with a rather large monkey, chewing on pieces of red hair and lice. Screaming with frustration and fury, Lindsay launched herself at the poor chimp, putting him in headlock.
"You live on my island," she seethed, "you crap in my sand, you steal my food, you try on my dress, but you do NOT mess with my hair!"
The poor monkey tried to grunt out an apology, but it was too late. Several minutes later, Lindsay was enjoying a delicious breakfast of roast chimp meat, spitted over an open flame. Licking the savory juices off her fingers, the goddess smoothed out her skirts and commenced to listen to the daily news. If she tilted her head a little to the right and back, stuck out her tongue and put her foot on her stomach, Lindsay could make out the voices of the other goddesses and gods whom she was linked to telepathically. Of course, this position looked a little strange, but since she was a hermit, no one would visit her anyway. No one except Demeter that is. Shivering slightly at the thought of her mentor, Lindsay squinted her eyes in concentration.
At first the goddess had to wade through some mortal muck; (The Greeks were rejoicing loudly in their victory over Troy) but finally she came across the other nine immortals having post-breakfast chats. The goddesses, sensing Lindsay's presence, opened up their conversations so she could join in. Katie and Megan were arguing about how to punish cute mortals, Lauren and Aubrey were losing spectacularly in a game of chess against Sonomi and Liz, Jason was sitting in a corner banging on his foot yelling "bitch, bitch" and Colleen and Nicole were comparing hot god boyfriend notes. Lindsay's mind wandered aimlessly until it was finally drawn into the conversation of the last two goddesses. Nicole was extremely giddy this morning after receiving a beautiful gift from her very own Apollo. "He's so sweet and so handsome. I swear Lindsay, even you have got to have found somebody worthy of being your crush." The bubbly goddess chided.
Lindsay mentally rolled her eyes. Gee Nicole, you're probably right, but there's just one problem with me meeting hot gods. I'M STUCK ON A # ISLAND!
Eventually the conversations dwindled and died as the goddesses and god meandered off to their final morning training session. Lindsay made a mental snatch at the food, but with no avail. Sadly she returned to her body. Monkey meat was good, but it was grisly and left one hungry very soon after. Lindsay shifted her weight and began picking off ants from her dress, munching on them thoughtfully. Every once in a while she would look up to check that she wasn't sitting under a tree. A few days ago, the red-haired goddess had rescued a baby sloth floating in the ocean. Apparently the sloth had telepathic powers and/or cloning abilities, because now the lethargic creatures were clinging to trees everywhere, waiting to fall on the unsuspecting hermit that sat under them.
Just as Lindsay finished her impromptu meal of insects, the air in front of her started to shimmer and gleam. This meant only one thing: Demeter was coming to visit. Lindsay gave a small groan as the corn goddess stepped through the glittering threshold onto the sandy beach of the island. As usual, she lifted her skirts disdainfully while glaring at her student. As usual she tossed Lindsay a small piece of something to work with and make her life more comfortable: today was an inch of string. And as usual, Demeter didn't utter single word. One thing was not so usual about the goddess's visit today however. As Demeter disappeared, Lindsay turned her attention to the piece of string, willing it to become longer. She had managed to make a foot-long braid when a stifled cough was heard behind her. Turning around, Lindsay paled.
"Hello to you too."
The gravelly cold voice came from a rather dark-looking goddess sitting on the beach in layers of black and green silk that was tattered and full of holes. Her raven hair was shoulder length and twisted into knots and braids atop her pale head. The girl's nails were bitten down to the quick and bloody, just like her red eyes that peaked out from beneath thin eyebrows. Lindsay shuddered at the arrival of this new goddess, for that is what she was.
"Nice to see you Persephone."
The immortal, Persephone, pursed her dry, crackled lips in disapproval. "Don't lie to me!" she snapped, "I know you can't stand me: no one can. Apparently there's something wrong with me and I'm diseased. Why, even my own mother gave me to Hades, who only will take me for half of the year. Honestly, I can't think of a worse life than mine."
"Try living alone on an island." Mumbled Lindsay, but the other goddess pretended not to hear her.
"You never know what you have until it's gone. Then you're stuck in a swirling black abyss of dismal nothingness, with only your past demons to haunt you. No one cares if you live or die. In fact, it's better for them not to know. Ignorance is bliss, and everyone's life ends up as apathy anyway. We're all just mere shadows on the wall, waiting to disappear as soon as the lights are turned out. Moths that fly too close to the flame and sputter out. Small slimy bugs that are squashed into little pools of intestine and mush. Little helpless infants who- Are you even listening to me?"
Lindsay stopped banging her head on a nearby tree for a moment. "No go on," she said through gritted teeth. "I find this fascinating." Unfortunately Persephone didn't catch the biting sarcasm within her fellow goddess's words, and did continue. She continued for an hour and a half, while Lindsay made various attempts to strangle herself, drown herself, and knock herself unconscious, just to get away from this insanely depressing creature. But nothing worked, and finally Persephone left in a dark cloud of smog that gave Lindsay a short hacking fit. When it was over, the hermit goddess muttered a few choice words to her favorite mentor and went off to go lengthen her strand of rope.
The hermit goddess had managed to create a yard of thick cord, but she was interrupted before any more progress could be made. Sounds of a boat being dragged on shore and numerous footsteps were heard, along with the occasional shouting of orders and cursing. Curious, Lindsay peeked out from behind the clump of bramble where she had been sitting. There on the beach was a huge boat, with the name "Argo" scrawled across it in golden letters. Out of the great ship came dozens of warriors, all clad in armor, sweating and swearing as they pulled things ashore. Standing on the beach, surveying all, was a young man. Tossing his sandy brown hair out of his dark gray eyes, the man surveyed the island before him, searching for hidden dangers, sword ready at his side. Lindsay decided now was a good time to introduce herself. After a vain attempt to smooth out her hair and skirt, the hermit goddess took a deep breath and stepped out onto the beach.
At first no one noticed the bedraggled immortal. Then a sailor looked up from his knot tying. Spying Lindsay, he gave a horrified shriek and fainted onto the sand. The hermit goddess winced; she probably looked a lot worse than she realized. Her theory seemed to be proving all-too true, as the man with brown eyes pulled out his sword. Others followed his lead, advancing on the strange creature that seemed to be strangely calm. Finally the leader spoke.
"What are you?"
Lindsay gritted her teeth. "I am not a what. I am Lindsay, goddess in training, ruler of hermits, and slightly miffed at your entrance and accusations. After all Jason, you and your argonauts are supposed to be the most respected warriors in all of Greece. "
At this, the leader bowed respectfully to the all-knowing goddess. It was true: he was Jason, and this was his crew. Only a wise immortal could have known that. Or a mythology buff from the 21st century.
" A thousand apologies great and beautiful goddess Lindsay." Jason said respectfully. Lindsay rolled her eyes: two weeks rolling around in monkey crap and moss certainly did not leave her great or beautiful. But this mortal was respectful, which the hermit goddess liked. That was why his next words brought a cry to her throat.
"We will leave immediately."
Lindsay let out a wail of protest. It was after all, her first contact with human life in a long time (Demeter and her insane daughter didn't count), and they were nice humans at that. But Jason would not be persuaded otherwise. With a polite kiss on her hand, the prince led his argonauts back onto their ship and within 5 minutes, they were gone. Lindsay stood there blinking. Finally she stamped her foot and let the curses spew out.
"Fuck that stupid golden fleece."
"I hope Medea castrates the bastard."
Suddenly the goddess's rampage was cut short by the sound of something crashing through the brush, along with a low voice that kept calling "Hylas!" Lindsay gripped her hermit staff tensely as the noise came closer. Soon a man burst out of the foliage. He was tall, muscular and wild looking. Slung about his waist was a lion's pelt, and in his hands was a large spear. Lindsay took a disliking to him immediately. Apparently the man thought the same way about the goddess, because he started spewing out curses and swinging his weapon in the air. Lindsay stood there unfazed. "Where is Hylas!" the warrior demanded. "I am the great Heracles, you cannot deny me anything! Tell me where my servant is foul creature!"
Lindsay responded by spitting at him. "First of all," she growled, "You're precious Hylas is probably on the Argo, sailing off to Colchis. Second of all, you should be on that ship too, and third of all, I'm in a bad mood and don't appreciate being called a creature."
Heracles gave a smug grin and advanced towards the seemingly foolish immortal. A few seconds later, he was on the ground, having been whacked across the head with Lindsay's staff. Heracles swore and started up again. This time the hermit goddess snapped her fingers, and a huge sloth fell from the tree above Heracles, pinning him to the ground. "Foul temptress!" the hero spat, pulling himself out from under the lethargic mammal, "I was patient with you. Now it's time to open a can of whoop ass!"
Lindsay just smirked. "You are one cheesy bastard." She commented smoothly, clapping her hands. Before Heracles could react, swarms of red ants came streaming down from the trees and up from the ground. The great hero barely had a chance to scream before he was covered by little biting insects. Lindsay watched smugly as Heracles squirmed and writhed under their acid sting. Still, she couldn't leave him on her island forever; he was just to damn annoying! Finally, the hermit goddess reluctantly called off her ant army. Walking over to the sobbing heap on the beach, she motioned for Heracles to follow her. "But," she snarled, brandishing her hermit staff, "don't get any ideas." Heracles nodded feebly.
The two walked across the sand and over to a small cave nestled among a grove of trees. Lindsay moved the leaves aside to reveal a small rowboat and oar. "Take it and get off my island." The hermit goddess told Heracles sternly. The hero obliged as quickly as he could and soon he was off, rowing across the water as if his life depended on it. Actually it probably did, because Lindsay was rather ticked off at the loss of her boat that she had created yesterday from a wood chip.
Soon the rumbling in her stomach brought the goddess out of her stupor. Kicking over the nearest anthill, Lindsay called for a sacrifice of worker ants to appease her. The poor insects obliged, and soon Lindsay was snacking on deep-fried bugs. After grabbing a bit to drink, the goddess decided to check in on her fellow immortals and see what was going on.
Apparently things weren't going great. Nicole was chasing Lauren around with her swans, accusing the blonde of trying to steal her man. Lauren was on her horse, galloping at top speed to get away from the crazed goddess, trying to say that it wasn't her, it was Aubrey. Lindsay couldn't really get a good lock on either of them to get the straight story, so she let them continue their chase and went back to the new goddess complex to talk to more sane people. Aubrey was hiding, lest Nicole go after her next, but everyone else was there, and welcomed the hermit into their conversations. Megan was gloating about how she had branded a certain Icarus because he was chasing her flying monkeys around. Then his father had come over and tried to bitch Megan out, so she branded him too!
Lindsay decided not to mention her breakfast this morning. Instead she chatted with Katie about how mortals never seemed to take the goddesses seriously until they were smote by them. Katie didn't like doing it very much, but Lindsay, being uncomfortable and crabby for so long, said she really didn't give a fuck.
The lunch hour passed all to quickly for the hermit goddess. Soon only Jason and Liz were left in the dining area. Lindsay had just finished a chat with them about where Hephaestus probably was, when the air began to shimmer on in front of the hermit once again. Lindsay groaned. I'll talk to you guys later. she said. Just as she closed off her telepathic link, Demeter appeared on the island again. Lindsay gave her mentor an anxious smile. "Why hello mentor!" she said, (ever so slightly) sarcastically. Demeter gave the redhead a disapproving look, but it wasn't her mission to make the hermit's life miserable today. Or was it?
"You need a man."
Lindsay gave a squawk of surprise and fell over backward. The first words to come out of her mentor's mouth! Cautiously the goddess sat up, looking around for means of escape incase Demeter started going nuts. The harvest goddess sniffed slightly. "I repeat, you need a man. I'll send Pan over to keep you company."
"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Lindsay, but it was too late. Demeter was gone. Shaking with fear, Lindsay quickly grabbed her hermit staff and leaped behind the nearest rock she could find. There she stayed for a few minutes, breathing heavily. Not a sound was heard on the tropical island, and soon Lindsay's heart rate thudded back to normal. Cautiously climbing out from behind the rock, the hermit looked around her in every direction. Coast was clear. Then a twig snapped behind her. Lindsay whirled around and came face-to-face with a drooling, lustful Pan.
Lindsay gave an ear-piercing scream and jumped onto the rock. The volume of her voice knocked Pan over, but he wasn't to be discouraged. Grinning he advanced towards the hermit rock. Lindsay took a step back defensively.
"Don't come any closer. I have a stick. (1)"
Apparently English wasn't Pan's first language. It was probably Greek. But either way, Lindsay decided it would be more advantageous to be offensive against this creep. With a terrifying war cry, the goddess launched herself at Pan, pummeling him mercilessly with her fists and staff. What ever the shepherd god was expecting to get from this redheaded goddess, this definitely wasn't it. After trying to weakly defend himself for a second or two, Pan leapt to his feet and took off down the beach. Lindsay, still furious, followed her prey.
A few minutes later, the redhead was following the trail of hoof prints left by her offender, when she came across something very surprising. Two mermen were lying on the beach sunning themselves. Hearing Lindsay's approach, them turned their serpentine bodies to look at her. The goddess felt herself blush slightly under their sly grins. Walking over to them, Lindsay extended a hand in welcome. "Hello, this is my hermit island," she said, then winced and blurted out, "but you can stay here as long as you want!"
The mermen glanced at each other and chuckled. The one with blue hair wriggled forward and excepted her hand, giving it a slight kiss. "We wouldn't dream of leaving this place and shunning the honor of being here with you." The golden-haired one chuckled softly and agreed. Lindsay stifled an uncharacteristic giggle as she smiled gratefully at the two handsome sea creatures. Suddenly something caught her eye. Hanging around each of these merman's neck was a medallion: one was a small trident, and the other one was a lightning bolt. Lindsay's gaze darkened as she cracked her knuckles.
"Change of plan boys." She said flatly, "Get off this island by the time I count to two, or run, and let me tell you: I've never seen a mermaid run." The two started to protest politely, but Lindsay could see fear in their eyes. Finally the gold merman got impatient. "We're not leaving and that is that ma'am." He insisted.
Lindsay glared at them. "Two." She hissed, cocking her staff like an automatic. Then she started advancing slowly. The panicked mermen flopped across the beach, then throwing all care away, changed back into their original god forms and ran sprinting across the beach as Zeus and Poseidon. Lindsay ran after them, tripped, fell on her face, got up and continued to chase them.
After a good hour or so of a Lord of the Flies style hunt, Lindsay, soaked in sweat, collapsed under a large palm tree. Panting heavily, the hermit goddess made a vain attempt to fix her staff, which had become bent after she had clubbed Pan with it. The half-goat had jumped into the sea, swimming frantically away from the demon island, only to be marauded by sharks on the way back to the mainland. Lindsay closed her eyes, relishing the memory of his screams. Poseidon was under water sulking and probably rubbing his soar butt, while Zeus made his escape by jumping into the clouds, swearing to return very soon. Lindsay didn't believe it.
Pretty soon a small troupe of ants discovered the sweating goddess. They came over, attacking her relentlessly for past atrocities and a large group of flies and mosquitoes soon joined in the torment. Lindsay half-heartedly swatted them away, but she was too tired to do much else. Squinting at the sky, the hermit judged it to be late afternoon. Meditation was advancing quickly. At least she had that to look forward to...
Attention all students, meditation is cancelled today. Congratulations on becoming true goddesses!
Lindsay felt something welling up inside her, but it wasn't until a scream exploded out of her throat that she realized she was furious. Spewing out incomprehensible curses, the goddess shook out her robes violently, drowning billions of insects with a small tidal wave. Still angry, Lindsay kicked the first thing she saw: the palm tree. Bad idea. Even though she was under its shade, the hermit could still tell that the shadow of the tree was getting closer. Only it wasn't the tree. Lindsay looked up and had time to mouth "Oh shit." Before a huge sloth fell on top of her.
The thud resounded across the Aegean Sea. Then came the scream.
"DEMETER!" Lindsay yelled, struggling to get out from beneath the huge lethargic piece of animal, "Get me off this fucking island NOW!" Getting no response, the redheaded goddess grabbed the nearest thing to burn in an offering. The sloth wouldn't light because of all the moss that was growing on it, so Lindsay burned a small bush. The result was instantaneous. Through the shimmering portal came Demeter, looking a little amused, but mostly annoyed. Lindsay growled at her mentor and made a few weak attempts to crack her head open. Demeter deflected the exhausted goddess's swings easily, and stood, hands on hips, to see what her student wanted. "Send me back to Mt. Olympus now." Lindsay demanded, "If you don't, I'll tell Hades that you wanted Persephone all year round."
Demeter snorted. "How are you going to do that."
Lindsay smirked. "I have connections." Right Becca?
Lala, stuck in fields, cannot get out, going insane...
God, you're no help.
Help me! AUGH!
As Lindsay pulled away from Becca's damaged mind, she stared smugly at her mentor. Demeter's eyes held traces of fear at the thought of seeing her daughter all year round, but the goddess refused to give in to her student's demands. A heavy, defiant silence hung between the two immortals. Finally Demeter spoke. "What day is it?" she asked simply.
"How the fuck should I know!" Lindsay spat. "It's not like this damn island has a clock or anything." Demeter ignored her student's commentary, and commenced to have a mental chat with Zeus. Lindsay could hear snippets of it if she focused her mind right, but mostly all that came to her ears was hushed noise. Finally Demeter turned to her.
"OK."
Lindsay stared at her blankly. "OK what?"
Without speaking Demeter clapped her hands. Suddenly the hermit goddess was enveloped in a shimmery veil. As the island around her started to fade away, she saw Demeter waving to her. "Good riddance." The corn goddess muttered as her charge disappeared from the island.
A few seconds later, Lindsay found herself in the new goddess, in some random bedroom that she took to be hers. Smiling blissfully, the ex-hermit moved to her bed.
15151515
The other goddesses were downstairs, celebrating at not having to go to meditation. Liz, Megan, Katie and Lauren were playing a game of SlapJack with a deck of mortals, Colleen was gleefully poking at the fire, and Nicole was nestled in a chair reading. Sonomi was having a thumb war with her teddy bear while Jason watched over the chunk of meat he had spitted over the fire, and Aubrey sang to herself while combing her hair. Suddenly a huge THUD jolted everyone out of activity. "What was that?" whispered Colleen. Then she yelled in pain as her unattended hand caught on fire. Once the mild emergency had been fixed with Katie's help, the immortals decided to go upstairs and see what had happened. Armed to the teeth with branding irons, staffs and teddy bears, they advanced up the stairs, peaking into various bedrooms. When they got to the spare one, Lauren let out a shriek.
"What the heck is that!"
The others looked. Lying on the bed was what appeared to be a large fuzzy red rodent. But further investigation yielded a different answer: it was the hermit goddess Lindsay, fast asleep.
(1) Who ever can place this quote gets a cookie! And so we leave the single character chapters behind. Yay! The story is far from over, but finishing up very quickly. What will happen next? Why, what else; a grand celebration to commemorate all the new goddess's hard work!