Disclaimer: I own One Piece. I won it back when I was six years old in a card game between a giant goldfish and a purple people eater. Yes, it was a epic battle...
Silly note: One Piece is a type of dress in Japan.
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Childhood Memories
CHAPTER THREE
Usop: There's a gremlin on the side of the ship!
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Shortly after the formation of the Usop pirates, which changed the very fabric of the universe, and made God look down and go 'Wow! That is cool!' an important event took place.
Actually, it was a series of events and they weren't very important at all, but it sounds much cooler if the cosmos was affected.
Syrup village: A place of happiness and wonder that was named after the large grove of Syrup trees that were growing on the island when the first settlers came there. Then all the Syrup trees died a few weeks after the settlers had arrived, and the founders felt very stupid for naming the village after them. Eventually though, those people died and no one remembered why it was named Syrup village in the first place, but they assumed the founders had a very good reason.
On this island was the greatest pirate ever, Captain Usop! Sure, some people said that some guy named Gold Roger was the greatest, but they were dilusional. Gold Roger owned "One Piece"? What was that? A dress? Who cares about some pansy dress wearing dude!
Captain Usop, already great and mighty at age twelve, ruled the village. When he strode through town, yelling about the obvious advent of pirates, the people ran out of their homes brandishing brooms. Most people would see this as the villagers being aggravated at him, but not great Captain Usop! Those people's lives were so boring they needed a little excitement every now and then! Get up, work, go to sleep, get up, work, go to sleep... How boring is that?
Captain Usop, however, couldn't possibly do all his fantastic deeds alone. There were three other members of the Usop Pirates: Tamanegi who looked like an Onion with glasses, Ninjin who resembled a carrot, and P-man who looked like a giant green pepper. None of them realized their heads looked like vegetables, and perhaps went through the rest of their lives happily not knowing they looked like a salad.
On this particulary cloudy day, Usop was stalking toward the local diner. The low lying clouds cut off enough light that he could easily sneak around in the shadows. He stuck his long nose around the door, peering intently into the empty room. His eyes widened as he saw his quarry.
A fresh plate of cookies lay unattended on the counter top. Usop felt it was his duty as a pirate to take the unattended treasure. The plate of cookies was just sitting there going to waste!
Usop nodded to himself. Yes! It was his duty!
He crept up to the plate of cookies, like a stealthy cat with three peg legs and a hacking cough.
The bumps, creaks, and scuffles easily alerted the diner owner who had been changing his shirt in the other room.
"Hey! Leave those alone!" The man stepped into the front room of the diner bare-chested. His wet shirt that he had been cleaning in the other room lay across his right arm. "Those cookies aren't for you kid!"
Usop was no longer paying attention to the cookies, only to the guy's very, very hairy body. He looked like...
"A WEREWOLF! AAAAAAAAH!" Usop jumped backwards, knocking over a bucket of soapy water.
A vein on the man's forehead twitched. He held his anger in for a second, then sighed and rolled his eyes. Usop wasn't a bad kid, just a little unruly because he didn't have any parents to yell at him. Everyone knew a daily dose of yelling was essential for the upbringing of a healthy individual.
"Here kid." The Innkeeper reached over to the cookies. "You can have just one but-"
His hand met empty air. The cookies, plate and all, had vanished.
"What the?" He glanced around in shock, then turned his narrowed gaze to Usop. "You ate them all already?"
Usop shook his head bewildered. He couldn't eat cookies that fast! No one could eat cookies that fast!
Somewhere, on another island, Luffy sneezed.
"I didn't eat um! I swear!" Usop waved his hands above his head frantically.
"Rrrrrright." The hairy man glared at him suspiciously. "If you're hungry kid, just ask and I'll make ya a sandwich or sumthin. You don't have to steal."
"But I didn't!"
"Uh huh. And baby eating stork are going to attack the village any minute now like you were ranting about last week." He put his shirt on. "I'll go make you a sandwich... then you have to sweep the place later for those cookies you stole And where'd you put the plate? Geez."
"But I-" Usop closed his mouth as the hairy man cut him off with a dangerous glare and then disappeared to the back of the shop.
Maaaaan! This wasn't fair! He only wanted blamed for the things he did do! And there was plenty of that so people didn't need to make stuff up!
Usop plopped down on the ground and tucked his feet underneath his legs and pouted. Well, it would have been a pout if manly sea warriors pouted. So instead, the expression was a manly sea warrior's outrage at being unjustly accused. He wasn't immature.
Usop looked around and picked his nose when he thought no one was looking.
Skritch. Skritch.
He stopped his manly nose picking and looked around. Whoa! What was that? It sounded like there were tiny feet scampering on the floor! Where was it coming from?
Feet scampered again... it sounded a bit like a mouse...
"Hee tee hee!"
Something was giggling in the corner! Mice don't giggle! ...right?
He peered over the edge of the countertop. The windows were closed on that side of the room and the corner was shrouded in shadows.
It couldn't be the innkeeper. He couldn't giggle that high pitched. Well, Usop hoped he couldn't.
"Hee tee hee!"
A small gray hand slid from out of the shadows and made a rude hand gesture. Then it jumped out of the shadows landing in front of Usop. It had scaly skin, long pointed ears, and losta fangs. Usop could only gape in fear as the thing spun the cookie plate mockingly, waggled its' butt at him, and then skipped away.
"A g-g-gremlin!"
Usop, suffice to say, stayed very calm and collected.
"AHHHHHHH! A GREMLIN STOLE THE COOKIES! GREMLINS EVERYWHERE! DOOM! DOOM! AAAAAAH! WE'RE GONNA DIE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
The innkeeper ran into the room. "What's wrong?"
"A GREMLIN STOLE THE COOKIES!"
"I ran all the way from the kitchen for that?" The innkeeper glared and tossed Usop a sandwich in a little baggie. "There kid, now get out of here!" The innkeeper grumbled and walked out of the room.
"Thanks Mr. Wilson!"
Mr. Wilson muttered something that sounded like "menace" from the other side of the door.
Usop ran out out of the inn, eating his sandwich on the go. He had to gather his troops for a very important meeting. They would believe him!
15 minutes later...
"Ha ha! That's a very funny joke captain!"
"It's not a joke! The village could be over run with cookie stealing gremlins if we don't do something!"
Onion, Ninjin and P-man giggled. Usop tried to hold in his frustration. His mighty warriors were only four and his superior intellect overwhelmed them at times.
Ninjin scratched his nose. "Why are you dressed in a sack? Are you the gremlin Captain?"
Usop looked down at the sack he was wearing over his clothes. He had painted it to look like a priest's outfit. What he was a priest of he wasn't sure so he put elements of as many as he could think of together. Although sandals, a long sack robe, and a floppy hat were kinda hard to walk in.
"Nooo! I'm a priest! The mighty Cheat Cloth!"
"Cheat cloth?" The three salad kids asked in unison.
"Cheat cloth, because I am a man of the cloth yet, I will cheat the evil gremlins and they shall um... fall to my mightyness and kick the bucket!"
"But the important water is in the bucket!" Onion pushed his glasses up from the tip of his nose and peered at the water with a look of reverence that only a four year old could use while staring at a bucket of water.
"Er..." Usop shrugged. "Never mind! Now I shall do the sacred ceremony!"
A dramatic breeze blew in as Usop's salad friends crowded around the bucket in anticipation.
Usop cleared his throat.
"Oh God and Gods and Goddesses and losta other super people, I your holy warrior have ordained the water to be really holy!" Usop did a little jig around the bucket, and then threw a coin into the water just in case the super people needed to be bribed.
"Behold! The water is very holy now!"
"Oh wow! It's really sparkly!"
Unbeknownst to his minions, Usop had thrown in a package of gliter before he had brought the bucket over, but he felt no need to tell them about it.
"Ok! Now all we have to do is get the water on the gremlin!"
"How do we do that Captain?" P-man gazed at Usop for supreme guidance.
"With..." That dramatic breeze came back again, as Usop whipped out four things from his robes. "WATER GUNS!"
20 minutes later...
Mr. Touji the baker was having a great day. As he sat on his porch, he felt very warm and dry. The sky was clear, birds were chirping and all of the work for the day was done. 'Nothing on this day could go wrong,' he thought, as he stretched out more on his hammock.
Now, as everyone knows, thinking this will automatically doom you. Luckily, the band of four leaf clovers growing outside his house saved him from accidently bringing about the discovery of nuclear energy on a small island in West Blue. Instead, the scientist invented bubble wrap, which created hours of mindless fun for the entire world.
But Mr. Touji didn't know any of this as he lounged on his porch. In fact he wasn't thinking of anything much except: WARM! DRY! GOOD! Which is why he didn't notice the small evil creature darting past him, or have the reflexes to dodge four water guns aimed at his face. This is also why he slipped and fell into his rose bushes.
His thoughts now added up to: WET! PAIN! ANGER!
Mr. Touji was not a very complicated guy.
"It's getting away men! Faster!" Usop attempted to run faster as his floppy hat kept slipping over his eyes. In retrospect, he realized the hat may have been affecting his aim. But oh well! His devine wisdom would guide him! Usop smiled as he ran. It sure was nice of the rest of the villagers to help him! They even brought their brooms, how helpful. Together they could save the village!
Usop waved behind his back at the group of people chasing him with brooms but didn't slow down.
The gremlin was running at the edge of his vision. He was almost there! Suddenly, the gremlin jumped behind a bush. Just a few more inches...Usop took aim...His finger clinched around the trigger-
A hand grabbed him from behind.
Usop jerked to a halt and turned around. "Hi Mr. Touji! Sorry, can't talk now busy."
"WET! PAIN! ANGER!"
"Huh?"
Mr. Touji shook his head. "Err, I mean... You kids are in serious trouble!"
"Nooooo! The gremlin's getting away!" Usop desperately wrenched himself from Mr. Touji's grip. He moved a few more feet forward before getting grabbed again by Mr. Touji and Mr. Wilson.
"Kid stop squirm-"
"NO! MUST..." Usop dragged himself along the ground. "VANQUISH..." His fingers grabbed handfuls of dirt... "GREMLIN!"
"STOP IT USOP!" A dozen more hands grabbed him.
"Go for it Captain!" Ninjin, Onion and P-man grabbed the villagers legs and tried to hold them back.
Usop lifted up his water gun... It took every last bit of determination and willpower to lift his arm. The villagers were yelling, his men were cheering... The sounds faded off into the distance as his finger went to the trigger...
Squirt!
The gremlin screamed behind the bush, melting like an ice-cream in the sun. The only thing left was a small puddle, and even that evaporated into the ground.
"I did it! Cheat cloth has prevailed!" Usop went limp and stopped struggling. The villagers holding on to him collapsed into a heap.
"Yeeeeeeeah!" Usop's men cheered.
The villagers were not exactly cheering.
The mighty gremlin vanquisher looked up. "Why is everyone wet?"
...After what transpired next, Usop never used a water gun again.
Years Later on the Going Merry...
Clouds slinked by the blood red full moon. Shadows drifted between the dead trees, creating monstrous creatures from the darkness. Somewhere in the distance a lone wolf howled.
Usop cringed in fear. He knew they never should have entered this cursed island. They should have been able to tell just by the name that it wasn't a place to hang out! But noooooo. No one ever listened to him!
His captain had been bitten shortly after they had arrived. Usop didn't know where everyone else was. They could have already been goners.
He knew they never should have went onto...
Luffy jumped out of the bushes.
ZOMBIE ISLAND!
"Meeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaat!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Usop sat up screaming.
Sanji and Luffy fell off their hammocks. Zoro... rolled over in his sleep.
"Damn it long nose! What's wrong?" Sanji fell into a fighting stance and looked around frantically, expecting to be under attack.
Luffy sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Is it breakfast yet?"
"Z-Zombies everywhere! Luffy had eaten everyones' brains and I was next and..." Usop trailed off as he noticed Sanji glaring, and Luffy looking impressed with his imaginary dream self.
"Oooooo! Cool!" Luffy jumped up and ran over to Usop. "What happened next?"
"Um... I woke up."
"Awww." Luffy went back to his hammock, slightly deflated. He climbed up and looked off into the distance thoughtfully...or as thoughtfully as Luffy could manage. "I wonder what brains taste like?"
Sanji rubbed his temples. "I'd cook yours but there's nothing there."
"Yeah..." Luffy muttered to himself not paying attention. "Sanji! Tomorrow we shall have brains!"
"Uh huh." Sanji turned around, ignoring Luffy. "Come on long nose, I'll get you a glass of warm milk."
Usop's face lit up. Sanji could be a really nice guy sometimes! "Ok!"
"Then you better shut the hell up and go to sleep or I'll knock ya out."
Usop's face fell. "...gee thanks."
"No problem!" Sanji smiled good naturally and led the way to the kitchen.
After a glass of warm milk, Usop did feel a bit better. He and Sanji returned to the Boy's cabin and fell back to sleep.
Everyone was in happy sleepy town until...
"AARRGH!"
Usop woke up with a start. Sanji was rubbing makeup off his face frantically and looking around with a glare of death, while Luffy patted his head. Zoro... studied physics and mused on the fundamental workings of the universe... or he should have been, because then he would have noticed the permnanent marker all over his face.
Usop's eyes widened. "What happened?"
Sanji and Luffy turned their gazed toward him.
Usop looked down at himself to see what horrible thing had happened to him... He gulped as he noticed the permenent marker laying in his hand, Luffy's hat on his head, and the tube of lipstick sitting on his lap.
This certainly was not good. Usop used his amazing powers of intellect to stay calm and collected.
"AHHHHHHH! NONOTMEITWASN'TMEINOTDOTHISTHING!"
Luffy yawned. "Stop messing around. Breakfast will take longer to get here if ya keep waking everyone up."
Usop looked nervously at Sanji's expression, and he immediately knew that they were all having Usop's least favorite foods for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a couple of other meals he had never heard of.
And so, after a few menacing glares from Sanji, the men of the crew went to sleep again. No one bothered to try to wake up Zoro, it wasn't their problem he had pink hearts and flowers drawn all over his face.
Usop eyes were still open after everyone else's breathing had leveled off. This wasn't because he was being stealthy in trying to catch the real criminal. No, it was just hard to sleep while tied upside down and gagged in a hammock.
"Mmfffmmff! Mfffmmff!" Translation: Waaah! I am unjustly accused!
"Mff! Mfffmmff FFm!" How dare they tie up the mighty Usop! Next time something needs fixed, I won't do it!
"...Mfffmfffmffmffmf." Hold on, then the ship would sink or something.
"...mff." Not good.
"Mfff mffmm." I have to go to the bathroom.
Unbeknownst to Usop, while he was having this riveting mental conversation a small figure from his past was slipping into the room.
And no, Ninjin has not been hiding in the cargo hold all this time.
The figure, a small little grey creature creeped up to where Usop was dangling at a weird angle. It held up a miniature handmade sign. Usop's eyebrows shot into his hairline as he saw the creature and read its sign.
'GUESS WHO?'
"MMMFFF!"
The little creature flipped its sign over.
'MY NAME IS MANWELL YOU KILLED MY BROTHER. PREPARE TO DIE!'
The gremlin brandished a bobby pin in a threatening manner. The weapon had seemed like a mighty broadsword when he had left his little gremlin village, but now that he was faced with his quarry he was starting to think he had underestimated the situation.
He poked Usop in the toe with it anyways.
Yes, the gremlin thought to himself. That certainly wasn't the blood splatter effect he had wanted.
Usop wrenched the gag from his mouth. "Wake up everybody! There's a gremlin on the ship! There's a gremlin on the ship!" He paused. "AND OW!"
The gremlin, figuring he didn't feel like dealing with the weird bug eyed kid, the algae headed guy, and the blond one that breathed smoke, scampered away.
The crew was less than happy to hear about gremlins, and five minutes later Usop found himself, still tangled in the hammock and tied to the outside deck.
Usop struggled violently with his bindings for several minutes, only managing to dislocate the hammock from the deck. He fell to the ground with a thud. While on his back on the deck, he stared at the 'oh so amazing' night sky of stars, which would have been even more 'oh so amazing' had he not had to pee so bad he thought he was going to go blind.
A marker board sign suddenly appeared in front of his face.
'ARE THE SCARY PEOPLE GONE?'
Usop shrugged as the gremlin jumped off his chest and landed a few feet away.
'OK THEN! I CAN KILL YOU NOW!'
The gremlin stopped for a moment and started to scribble another message.
'MY NAME IS MANJELL JU KILED BY BROTHER. PEPRARE TO DIE!'
The gremlin squeaked angrily, erased, and rewrote his message.
'MY NAME IS MANWELL. YOU KILLED MY BROTHER. PREPARE TO DIE!'
The gremlin stuck one bobby pin in his mouth, and grabbed too more from a pouch at his back. Somewhere in the cabin, Zoro sneezed in his sleep.
With his hands and legs bound, Usop couldn't use his slingshot. He couldn't call out to the rest of the crew either, even if they would believe him. No, he couldn't do that. This was his battle and he had to finish it!
So he did what anyone would do in the same situation.
Usop rolled menaceley toward his foe.
"MMMff! Mff! Mfffffff!" BOWLING BALL ATTAAAAACK!
A great battle then ensued with each of the participants fighting bravely. The attacks were parried back in forth in a flurry of motion nearly as fast as the inhuman speed of a ceiling fan. This contest of blood and skill raged on for the vast eternity of nearly five minutes until the combatants could no longer carry on and collapsed onto the bloodstained battle field.
Oh yeah, and Usop got out of the hammock somehow.
"Mighty warrior," Usop said, since he figured this sort of situation warranted fancy talk, "You fought bravely."
The gremlin nodded. Damn straight he did.
"But, why do we fight?" Usop stood up. "Perhaps I was wrong about what I did to your brother." Usop bowed his head. "But revenge is not the answer!"
The gremlin scribbled on his sign. 'BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BROTHER? I'M STILL A BIT PISSED ABOUT THAT.'
"Don't you see?" Usop pointed dramatically at the sky. "He never truly left. He's with you in the bright lit stars at night, the clouds, the sun, and the very air we breathe!"
'REALLY?'
"You cannot dedicated your life to meaningless revenge! Your brother would not want you to live such an empty life! If you keep him in your heart, he never truely died!" Usop wiped away a tear.
The gremlin turned his back to Usop and gazed at the vast expanse of the heavens. What was he doing with his life? The gremlin erased his marker board with tears in his eyes. 'YOU ARE RIGHT. REVENGE IS WRONG. I'M GOING TO CHANGE MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER AND-'
Usop kicked him into the ocean.
There was a small splash and the gremlin was no more.
"HAHAHHA! SUCKER!" Usop laughed manically.
The early morning light bathed the deck in a soft orange glow. A seagull circled overhead, signaling they were close to land. The rest of the crew was already sitting at the table as Nami walked onto the deck. She raised her hands behind her head and stretched luxuriously.
She turned her head, expecting to see the usual fight to the death for food. She blinked in shock as she saw only Sanji sleepily shoving mouthfuls of oatmeal into his mouth. Luffy was face first into his oatmeal. She wasn't sure if he was asleep, or that not using spoons was a new more efficient way to eat fast.
She sat down and looked at Sanji with a sultry expression.
"Sanji-kun." She batted her eyelashes. "Are there any eggs left to make an omnlet?" She smiled. That should prompt him into fixing her something nicer than oatmeal.
Sanji blinked... in slow motion. "Wha? Are the marines here?"
Nami decided to take pity on the guy. "Never mind."
She fixed herself a bowl of oatmeal and sat down. After several minutes, she realized one of the usual breakfast fanatics was missing. "Where's Usop?"
Sanji pointed upward and sleepily ate another spoonful of oatmeal.
Nami looked up and raised an eyebrow. "Why's Usop tied to the crow's nest?"
Sanji, too tired to dote on Nami, answered in one word. "Penance."
Luffy made a few bubbles in his oatmeal.
Usop fluttered in the breeze at the top of the crow's nest, happily dreaming of a place that was much more comfortable than the crow's nest. He probably shouldn't have been manically laughing so loud. A few seagulls perched on his head for no reason at all.
Nami shrugged. That worked for her.
Unusual silence reigned for several minutes until...
Zoro burst onto the front deck. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPPENED TO MY FACE!"