disclaimer: All characters are the property of Marvel, except Jenny who is MINE.

Sleepless
by Dizi

The bathroom's clean and I'm moving on to oiling the furniture.

I can't sleep, or don't want to. This happens. I know what to do. I work. I clean.

It's one o'clock in the morning and I've got my headphones on. I'll probably work all night.

There's plenty to do. I've got laundry going, the rec-room always can use some work, the bathrooms can be cleaned over and over, and I may just tape the mop to the end of the broom and wipe the dust from the ceiling. There's always something.

Because right now I don't want to sleep. My alternative is to go outside and chain-smoke, or I could always start drinking. Long ago, I did that to help me forget. The only problem is when you get up the next morning, not only do you feel bad, you also remember everything you were trying to forget. I do anyway.

Logan always knows when I get up, but he never says anything.

Sometimes Remy will sit with me when I feel the need to smoke. He doesn't say anything either, just sits there, his presence a comfort to me. He used to try touch me, put his arms around me, but I just couldn't let him after a nightmare. Remy's very understanding and didn't hold it against me, but I know it hurt his feelings.

Security is Bishop's domain, so he knows when I get up. He only mentioned it once and it was just so I would let him know when I was going to be up. It seems I was quiet one night and he thought I was some stupid person trying to break in or something. Now, I knock on his door to let him know I'm up. Otherwise, we don't talk about it.

I don't try to hide it. That would be impossible for a place like this with so many people. Scott can tell in the mornings, he just asks if I'll be taking a nap. I do that when I get tired enough. He tried to talk to me once, but ended up just saying if I needed a nap it was fine. He's a good boss.

I'm not sure how many of the women know. If they do, they don't say anything. I don't think Ororo realizes or she would definitely say something. She would want to help somehow. How could I explain to her there's nothing she can do? Ororo's smart though, she probably knows that.

Charles and I have talked about it, and he says the cleaning may be healthy. It's constructive as long as it's not constant and obsessive. He always looks at me closely when he says that, and I wonder if he's trying to warn me or he's saying we need to talk about it more. I don't think I'm obsessive, I just need to do something. Of course, how would I know?

I just know I don't want to go to sleep again tonight. I can't face another nightmare.

Finished my list of things to be done. I would brave the lab as it can always use cleaning, but Hank might be there and I don't want to disturb him. Maybe the laundry's ready to be folded.

He's been worried about me, I know he has. Hank's my best friend, we understand each other, and it hurts him to see me after I've stayed up all night. He gave me some sleeping pills but they really don't help. I can sleep, I just don't want to because of the nightmares. The pills didn't stop them just kept me from waking up. That was the only time Logan has ever interfered, he woke me up when I couldn't wake on my own. So, I don't take the pills.

Before I saw those pictures a few months ago, the nightmares had gotten better. I'd have one maybe once a month. It's just so fresh now. I know they'll fade, they've already started to. I don't have them every night. At least, I get caught up on the laundry.

The music blaring through my headphones helps too. Music has always made me feel better. Sometimes a dark and sad song helps release my feelings, and sometimes an upbeat and fun one makes me feel better. I listen to everything. Rock, country, jazz, pop, heavy-metal, classical, opera, spiritual. I have a large and eclectic collection. Never know what I want to hear until I put my headphones on. I almost always listen to music while I work, whether it's after a nightmare or not.

Maybe I was wrong, I don't see anything else I can do. Well, nothing I could finish before morning without waking someone up. I don't like to do that. Guess I'm moving on to the chain-smoking part of the night. I'm going to have to start slacking off during the day, I've never run out of things to clean before.

Still listening to music, I watch the smoke of my cigarette drift away and I suddenly know I'm not alone. I'm not worried, someone is usually watching me when I go outside. Not sure what they're afraid I'll do, but Bishop watches with the security cameras or Remy sits with me.

Which is why I'm so surprised when my headphones are tugged off.

Startled, I look up to see Hank. As I look into his calm blue eyes, I can't hold it in anymore. I start crying as though my heart is broken, which is close as my soul was damaged long ago. He holds me against his large blue-furred body for a long time, rocking me in his arms, continuing even after my tears die away.

For the first time, I wish I loved him, really loved him as a woman does a man. Friendship, I've been told, is a good starting point for love. I wish I did, he's a good man, but I just don't. I don't feel that way about him and deep inside I wonder if I will ever be able to feel that way about a man.

I want to believe I will. I hope so. Charles thinks I will. But I don't think it will be Hank, and I mourn that possibility.

Hank doesn't say a word the whole time, just holds me. I feel warm and safe, so completely comforted and comfortable, I fall asleep in his arms.

Thankfully, the next day I'm off because I sleep until noon. I don't say anything to Hank when I see him, just kiss his cheek. He understands, he has always understood me.

I will have nightmares for the rest of my life. I know that very well.

However, when I have a nightmare I know what to do. I work, I clean, and I lean on good friends.

note:
GothikStrawberry- I think we all have someone like that, unfortunately for Jenny she just had someone very determined.
Jean1- Thank you so much! I love it when someone gets it as good as you.
(...)- Again thanks, hope you like this one. I needed more Hank.
SabeyBaby- That is a huge compliment! Unfortunately, had to get a little more serious this one, but it was too good an idea not to do.
S- My lone reviewer for F&N! Thank you so much! I will be forever grateful to you!
Jinxeh- You can ask him, don't know if Wolvie will do it for you though. Think he was tired of answering the phone for Jenny.

Okay, got a couple more ideas but haven't actually written them yet. May start posting new story and post the Jenny shorts in between. Almost done with it anyway, so thinking hard on that. I have at least two more I just have to do. Not sure how funny they'll be yet but with F&N that will make at least 3 more of these. Maybe more, we'll see. Haven't even gotten to the one I was think of for while she's at Harry's.

Thanks for reading and the support,
Dizi