Title: Fall From Grace
Author: Broken Music Box
Rating: PG 13
Summery: one-shot Friendship can be hard, sometimes. Mistakes are made, masks are worn. Understanding dawns. And we drift away from each other.
You fucked up.
Now, I see that. Now, I know. Now, I can't look you in the eye.
I could have helped. I have no idea how, or when, or who, but I could have. I could have helped piece back together what was left. I would have fucking well tried, instead of watching you floundering around helplessly. If you had just said one word. One word, and I would have tried.
There is no place for me in what is left. You say I'm shutting you out. You don't realize how you shut me out, by simply... Simply what? Simply trying to cope? Simply withdrawing and ignoring me?
By simply lying.
You lied to me. You lied. Do you have any fucking idea how much it hurt? I believed in you. I encouraged you. I believed you could just get up and walk away, and I encouraged you to do so. It hurts. It actually fucking well physically hurts. You danced around the subject. You never actually told me why you couldn't just walk away. You lied, to save yourself the discomfort of admitting it. Oh, I knew. I knew there was a reason you couldn't leave it alone.
But now, I really see.
I tried. I tried so fucking hard. I tried in all the ways you would let me, and I tried some more in the ways you wouldn't let me. Not one of the ways I tried was what you really needed, though. So I failed. You know what? If you had said one fucking word, I would have tried harder.
The masks we wear hurt. The situations are so different, yet they still hurt. Why? You ask that question a lot. I learnt a long time ago not to. Why? It hurts, and it's not worth it. If all you ever ask is why, you get hopelessly tangled and you never see the how. The how is the things that's important. Not why. You don't need to know why. You just need to be able to see how it happened. How did we end up wearing these masks? We had to. To stop ourselves from getting hurt. We traded that hurt for this hurt. And this hurt hurts all the more because we chose it, and they're both the same. And the masks own us.
Shutting you out? You don't know the meaning of shutting someone out. My mask shuts so many people out. But you, most of all. You know why? And of course you want to know why, instead of how. Because you hurt me. The mask is there to stop me from being hurt. It's working, ever so slowly. I'm learning to shut you out... To become numb. I don't want to become numb. If you'd just stop hurting me, I wouldn't have to. But the mask decides, and the mask enables me to survive. You are a danger to my survival. And I can't have that, can I? But you're mask doesn't work all that well, does it? Your mask slips. Mine doesn't. So you are weaker, more vulnerable than I am. You don't see that, do you?
I think you need a new fucking mask.
You can't walk away. You can't walk away, as there is a single thread tying you there. And while you're tied there, I'm tied there. I'm tied to you, and you're tied to me and there. You can't help it. And I can't quite forgive you.
How did it happen? I don't know. I don't fucking know. How can I walk away from you and everything else if I don't understand? If I don't know if there's even the slightest chance I might be wrong? I don't want to be wrong. I am never wrong. But since you lied to me, I can't be sure. I hate not being sure. Guess what? I hate you too.
I could destroy you. I could rip away your mask, because it's weaker, and make you want to cry, to scream, and then just die. I could fucking well hurt you, because my mask is stronger. I am stronger. Even though the possibility that I might be wrong plays on my mind constantly. But I know I'm not. How do I know? I am stronger. I am braver. I am saner. Therefore, I am right. But I don't. This is one of the last times I'll ever ask why. You would bleed, but I don't destroy you. And trust me, it's not from mercy, or pity.
You calmly destroyed my world. You destroyed my way that I saw things, and the way I saw you. You destroyed it calmly, and dared smile at me while you did it. Even though you hurt me. You told me you weren't doing it while you trampled over everything that mattered. So I'll rebuild you, even though you can't walk away, and then I'll destroy you. As calmly and with the same smile as you did. But my mask will be stronger. I won't fuck up.
I don't know how, or why, and that's how I can.