The House from Hell
Chapter 2: Fried Frogs Legs and Room Arrangements
FRF: Eeep! I've got to get more free time on my hands, or stop wasting the time I actually have.
Nikki: You're such a procrastinator.
FRF: So? Things come up… like midterms (shudders)… and track practice… and science league… and science Olympiad… and… and… other stuffs!
Nikki: Sure.
FRF: Instead of a cook, I'll turn you into monster snacks if you don't shut up!
Nikki: I won't have to deal with you if I'm in a monster's belly.
FRF: Humph!
Spirit: You see what I have to work with? Here're the reviewer responses!
Lady Sango 7 – You have the honor of gracing me with my first review. Have a potato! RFR is VERY different from FRF! For instance, I am way much betterer than some show on "The N." I kinda dislike that channel. It plays nothing I like. Here's the hilarity!
N/A – Ooo, I like your name! Let me guess, it stands for… nifty aardvarks! Am I right? Let's see, idea 1 reminds me of Macbeth. Idea two is fantastic, except for the gate thing. Basement is too cliché, but sunflower garden works. Idea 3 I already had in mind, though I was thinking poodle skirts and saddle shoes. Idea 4 will drive Inuyasha nuts! Idea five sounds fun, but who are Linda Blair and Sally Struthers? If this is a comic horror, then who needs serious? The idea is to put the characters through hell, and yet cause the readers to laugh. Definitely random!
Mystical Demon – I wasn't planning on a lot of character description. Just the basics. And what I did put is necessary for some wacky nicknames. You can stop begging now.
xWhit3StaRx – Thank you. I can't remember which story was yours. Now I have to go check! Thank you again, and ditto. Why would I think of you as a stalker? The possibility of you living in the same country, state, county, town, and neighborhood is like a really big number to one.
sango – As much as I'd like to torture Kikyou to the point of her demise… I'm afraid I cannot. There might be Kikyou fans reading this, and I don't want to die young. That's why I figure it's okay to kill Jaken. Nobody really likes him.
AnimeDutchess – (Left hand on hip. Right hand pointing and shaking. Leaning slightly forward.) Watch your language young lady! Just kidding. Anyway, Jakalopes do NOT eat people! They're too cute to do that! Congrats on discovering one of my obsessions though. All the other ideas are wonderful!
FRF: There. Now the disclaimer. The only things I own are Nikki and Spirit. Even the plot's not fully mine cause I made y'all give me ideas!
Key: "ramen" is speech
ramen is thoughts
RAMEN is shouting
'ramen' is word emphasis
the line thingys is scene break
The House form Hell
Chapter 2: Fried Frogs Legs and Room Arrangements
Last Time: "Sorry," said Nikki, smirking. "NOT!" She laughed at poor Jaken's misfortune as she once again burnt him to a crisp. This made everyone laugh. "Now then. For dinner, I'll be serving turkey and lasagna. If anyone objects, pick something off of these menus. You get what you order, no questions asked. Got it? Good. Now order." After handing everyone a menu, she leaned against a doorframe, waiting for his or her orders. Spirit had disappeared to go check on the guest rooms, leaving the guests with the ever grouchy and temperamental cook. I'm not so sure that was a good idea…
Everyone looked at the menus that were rudely dropped into their laps. Occasionally, someone would turn his or her menu the wrong way, trying to read it. Finally, Hakkaku spoke up. "What's a menu?"
Nikki glared. "It's a book thingy that tells you what your choices are for food. You have to read it in order to use it."
"Okay."
Then, Naraku spoke up. "How do you read?" This caused everyone who opposed Naraku to face-fault. Nikki stared, wide-eye, at everyone.
"Y-you know h-how to s-set stupid t-traps and y-yet you c-can't read? WHAT KIND OF VILLIAN ARE YOU!" Nikki decided to take her frustration out on Jaken, and the ugly, green, toad, thing was once again torched.
Everyone was dead quiet. No one dared move. The flame Nikki used on Jaken burnt half the room and Kikyou's hair was singed, not to mention she had started melting from the heat. Clay bodies just don't cut it when you're dealing with angry fire demons.
When crickets started chirping, Nikki decided to speak again. "Turkey and lasagna it is, then." All of the menus that everyone was holding suddenly blew up, and Inuyasha's pretty silver hair was now a charcoal black.
"Feh! Damn it wench! What the hell did you do to my hair?"
"Awe, does the little, doggy-woggy not like his new hair color? It washes right out. See?" Nikki grabbed a fire hose from someplace and aimed it at Inuyasha. She released the handle and Inuyasha got squirted with a few tons of water. "There, all better?"
"GOD DAMN IT WENCH! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" shouted Inuyasha as he charged. Nikki sidestepped him and held out a frying pan, which Inuyasha crashed into head on, causing the poor hanyou to fall unconscious.
"Great! Now I'm gonna need a new frying pan! Here Mohawk boy! Knock yourself out!" Nikki threw the freshly dented pan at Hakkaku, hit him in the head, added another dent to it, and knocked out the wolf demon. "Oops." She disappeared through one of the doors before anything more could be said.
Sesshomaru had gone back to looking at his Martha Stewart magazine. Rin and Shippo were happily playing with some building blocks. Kouga was flirting with Kagome, seeing as Inuyasha was out cold, as was Hakkaku. Ginta had found a deck of cards and a book that said 'Card Games for Dummies.' He was now wrapped up in a rigorous game of 'Go Fish' with Miroku, Naraku, and Kikyou, who had remolded her melting body. Kagura had finished her magazine and was idly filing her nails. Kanna was staring into the flames, seemingly mesmerized. No one noticed when she walked into the fireplace and disappeared. Sango was brushing Kirara, who slept lazily in Sango's lap. As for Jaken, let's just say that all the screaming coming from one of the rooms was his.
Kanna found herself in an odd room. It was completely empty, except for a very large grandfather clock. There were no doors or windows, just Kanna and the clock.
"Tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick."
"…………………"
"Tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick."
"……………………………"
Fascinating conversation, really. But what do you expect from a clock and an almost completely mute?
"Tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick."
"………………………"
We'll check up on them later.
Spirit was floating down one of the upper halls, occasionally floating through a door to make sure everything was set. A checklist and pen were floating in front of her, the pen checking things off as they passed rooms marked with odd signs. Spirit was mumbling to herself, trying to memorize who would be in what room. So far, she had everyone placed but one. And she couldn't remember who that one was. Oh well. I hope it's no one important.
Nikki was in the kitchen, chopping something up. Her already blood-red apron was becoming even redder. No one would ever know that it was white when she got it.
Jaken was cowering behind her, screaming his head off. He had accidentally wondered into the kitchen and was met with the bloody site of Nikki and the…err, what used to be a turkey. Nikki had decided to put him to work as an onion peeler, and every time he cut himself or was sprayed with a fresh batch of blood, he would let out a scream. Between screams there was a lot of crying, and Nikki was just about ready to cut Jaken up, seeing as the turkeys weren't working out.
"Jaken, come here," said Nikki with a dangerous gleam in her eyes.
"Y-y-yes ma'am."
"Good little froggy, NOW DIE!" Nikki snatched up the ugliest thing in the kitchen and dropped it on the bloody chopping board. "Since you wouldn't shut up, I've decided there's gonna be a change in the menu."
WARNING! IF YOU DON'T WABT TO READ HOW JAKEN GOT COOKED, I SUGGEST YOU SKIP TO THE NEXT LINE THING! I NEEDED A NICE GORY SCENE, AND A LITTLE BLOOD NEVER HURT ANYONE.
Nikki pulled out some living dead hairpins and pinned Jaken to the cutting board. The hairpins kept singing the alphabet backwards, and every so often, one would sing a high-pitched note, causing the frog to go deaf. She selected a large, shiny, currently blood-free knife from the knife holder. Carefully drawing a thin line across Jaken's neck, she raised the knife above her, preparing to swing. Jaken let out a bloodcurdling scream as Nikki's arm came down swiftly, the knife cleanly slicing at the line. Jaken's head rolled onto the floor as blood dripped from his body into a glass pitcher."There, we now have punch. Time for the entrée," Nikki smiled wickedly. For being pissed off a few moments ago, she was really enjoying herself.
Nikki picked up the pitcher and Jaken's head and put them on a counter. Then, she returned to the body and picked up the newly bloody knife. Nikki easily dismembered Jaken's body, cleanly slicing the limbs. She then removed all of Jaken's organs and placed them next to the body. Throwing the knife into the sink, she pulled out a bowl and cracked some eggs. She mixed the yokes and piled some breadcrumbs on a tray. Then, she proceeded to dip each bloody organ and appendage into the egg and crumb batter. After everything was breaded, Nikki took the pieces and put them into an automatic fryer. She set the timer and prepared to fix up the head.
"So Jaken, feeling light headed?" Nikki laughed. The toad didn't think she was very funny.
"What have you done to me?" croaked the dismembered head.
"Magic knife. Keeps appendages alive until cooked. Now, to fix you up nice and put you in box for Sesshomaru." Nikki picked up Jaken's head and scorched the neck to keep it from bleeding. She then placed the head on a badge-shaped piece of wood. She grabbed a drill gun from one of the doors and proceeded to mount Jaken's head to the wood by drilling screws through the skin of his neck.
"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OOWWWWW! THAT HURTS! STOP IT!"
"Almost done… and, there! Now we just put it in a box, wrap it, and say it's from Inuyasha." Nikki did just that. Then the timer dinged and Nikki proceeded to finish cooking the meal.
END SOMEWHAT BLOODY SCENE!
A bloodcurdling scream was heard from down the hall, followed by a few yelps. Everyone that was conscience looked for the source of the sound, except for Sesshomaru who remained pokerfaced.
"W-what was that?" stammered Kagome.
"The sweet sound of someone dying," was Naraku's enlightening response. He had a wicked grin on his face at the thought of killing something.
"Don't worry Kagome. I'll protect you," said Kouga. "No one's gonna hurt 'my woman'"
Inuyasha's ears twitched when he heard the words 'my woman.' Suddenly, he sprang up from his unconscious position on the floor and lunged at Kouga, tipping one of the recliners in the process. It just happened to be the chair that Hakkaku's unconscious form was on. Hakkaku went flying and crashed into Kikyou, who grabbed Sesshomaru's mighty fluff. The fluff pulled Sesshomaru down and the couch launched Kagura into a series of summersaults. She collided with Kouga who whacked Naraku. Naraku stumbled back into Ginta, who, in turn, knocked Miroku down and right on top of Sango, causing an accidental kiss. Kagome stood in the middle of all the knocked down, tumbled, and flung people, looking very confused. Shippo and Rin were laughing like hyenas and Kirara didn't dare to come out from her hiding place under one of the blue sofas. Now let's decipher what everyone said in the few minutes of chaos that followed Jaken's demise! (Insert evil laugh here.)
Inuyasha: GRR! STUPID CHAIR! WHO THE HELL PUTS A CHAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF A ROOM? (Not too bright is he. Where else do you put chairs?)
Hakkaku: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Kikyou: OUCH!
Sesshomaru: Ooof!
Kagura: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Kouga: Hey! Watch it!
Naraku: Stupid wolf! DIE! (Lunges at Kouga.)
Ginta: EEK!
Miroku: (Wide-eyed) Please don't kill me! Please don't kill me! Please don't…hey…this is kinda nice.
Sango: (Blink, blink. Blink, blink. Blink, blink.) (Blush! We're speaking of a very deep red blush that could rival the color of Nikki's apron.) (I think she's speechless.)
Kagome: Uh, what just happened?
Shippo and Rin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Kirara: (Still hiding.) Mew.
Okay, did ya get all that? No? Well too bad, because Spirit decided to walk in just then.
"Whoa! What happened here?" she asked. Of course she had used her psychic abilities to keep tabs on everyone, but she wanted to see if she could get a straight answer.
Kagome, being the only one not fuming, embarrassed, unconscious, giggling like mad, or fighting a chair (cough) Inuyasha (cough), decided to answer. "Well you see…Inuyasha woke up when he heard Kouga call me 'his women' (insert finger quotes for emphasis), and sprung into an attack. He knocked over the chair Hakkaku was in, causing a chain reaction that ended with everyone sprawled on the floor and Sango and Miroku locked in a kiss. Shippo and Rin still haven't stopped laughing, and Kirara is under on of the couches. I think that covers everything!"
Spirit just stared. Five minutes passed. Spirit was still staring. Everyone had gotten him or herself upright and Sango was pointedly ignoring everyone. Spirit just kept on staring.
With Kanna…
"Tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick."
"……………………………"
"Tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick."
"…………………"
"Tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick."
"…………………………………………"
This has to be the most interesting conversation I've ever had the pleasure to listen too.
With everybody else…
Spirit was staring and everybody was ignoring her. She just kept staring and wouldn't stop. It was kind of rude really. And I'm pretty sure she hasn't blinked for about twenty-three minutes.
Nikki suddenly snapped Spirit out of her staring when she walked right through the ghost carrying a huge silver platter. "So…who wants fried frogs legs?" she asked, a little too perkily. And why hadn't anyone noticed the disappearance of Jaken and Kanna?
"I thought we were having turkey and lasagna," said Shippo a little disappointed. He had now clue what they were, but it sure sounded better than fried frogs legs.
"You were, but there was a change in the menu. The turkeys weren't agreeing with me. And then that damned toad wandered into my kitchen. So I decided fried frogs legs was a much better meal. Which reminds me. Hey Fluffy! I found this on to floor. It's says to the brain-dead bone-digger from dog breath, or something along those lines." She chucked the box with Jaken's head at Sesshomaru, who almost avoided getting hit in the head with it if it wasn't for the fact that Nikki made it follow his movements, whacking him right between the eyes. Sesshomaru just stared at it. He stared, and he stared, and he stared. What is it with people and staring? Suddenly, he stopped staring at the box and threw it at Inuyasha.
"Here little brother. You keep it."
Inuyasha caught the box with ease, but instead of opening it, he chucked it at Kouga. "Here wolf, you keep it."
Kouga glanced at it and then handed it to Kagome. "For you Kagome."
"Here Sango! Merry Christmas."
If Kagome was that willing to pass along the box, the contents must have been fearful. Sango saw this as a perfect opportunity to get back at Miroku for that kiss. "Happy birthday Miroku!" She threw the box at Miroku.
"It's not my birthday. Head's up Naraku!" And once again the box was passed.
Naraku just threw the box over his shoulder, not caring where it landed. It sailed right through Spirit and landed on the floor. The impact caused the lid to fall off and Jaken's head rolled onto the floor. Spirit screamed, "AHH! A HEAD! A HEAD!" She started floating around the room passing through random items. Everyone just starred at her like she was nuts. Gee, people really like to stare, don't they? Then, Jaken's head spoke.
"HEY! ISN'T SOMEBODY GOING TO PICK ME UP! I'M STILL ALIVE YOU KNOW!" This made Spirit scream some more ,and then she disappeared through a wall.
Sesshomaru walked over to Jaken's head and unsheathed his tenseiga. The sword worked its magic, and all of the little fried pieces that were on Nikki's platter uncrisped themselves and flew over to the head. Jaken was reborn, and Nikki's somewhat perky mood was now gone.
"Damn it! And after all that work to cook that stupid thing! My already bad dinner is ruined and the most annoying thing ever created lives again! It's not fair! First I'm forced to become a cook. Then I have to put up with all you people in one house! And now, things don't stay dead when I kill them! What is the world coming too?" Nikki finished her little episode and Spirit came flying through the room, still in a crazed frenzy. A kookoo clock sounded and everything froze.
Back with Kanna…
"Tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick."
"…………………"
"Tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick."
"……………………………"
"Tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick."
"………………………"
Uh huh, yep. Pretty self-explanatory.
Everybody Else, again…
Anyway, as I was saying… A kookoo clock chimed and everyone froze. There was dead silence. Even the crickets weren't chirping. Spirit was the first to speak. "Bedtime everybody! Follow me and I'll show you to your rooms!"
Everyone followed the ghost girl to a very large staircase, whether they wanted to or not. Nikki had picked up a fire poker and was herding them to the staircase, laughing like crazy the whole time. Twenty some odd years in an old mansion with a very perky ghost for your only companion will drive you nuts.
As they started the journey up the giant staircase, they head what sounded like people talking from below. "W-w-what's that?" squeaked Rin.
"Oh, that's just the people who live in the staircase," replied Spirit. "Just ignore them. They'll be quite once we reach the top."
And so they climbed, and they climbed, and they climbed, and they climbed till they couldn't climb no more. And then Nikki and Spirit began to randomly shove people into rooms, or so it appeared to the people being shoved. They actually had everything planned out in such a way that the most chaos would be caused.
These were the results of their actions:
Kagome and Kikyou were shoved into one room.
Sesshomaru and Inuyasha in another.
Miroku and Sango got a room to themselves.
Shippo, Rin, and Kirara were pushed through a brightly colored door.
Poor Kouga had to share a room with the ugliest frog in the world.
Ginta and Hakkaku were stuck in a very, very small room.
Kagura, being as special as she was, got a whole room to herself.
And finally, Naraku was stuck in a hen house, with lots o' chickens to keep him company!
Now then…if you want to see the results of these rooming arrangements, you'll have to read the next chapter, but for now, let's check up on Kanna one last time.
"Tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick."
"……………………………"
"Tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick."
"…………………"
"Tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick…tick."
"…………………………………………"
FRF: Yeash! It's finally done! All fourteen pages of it, including notes! I think it'll do. I couldn't resist that little kiss. I know at least one of you is a major San/Mir fan. And chain reactions are fun! As for the Kanna thing, I thought it was funny. She and the clock had quite an interesting conversation didn't they?
Nikki: What the hell have you done to me? I've gone insane!
FRF: All in good fun. Besides, you needed to stop being so grumpy all the time. It's not good for your health.
Spirit: While they argue, REVIEW! And send some room ideas! The next chappie will be on the shorter side, but it's all about the rooming arrangements. Lots o' chaos to come!
FRF: And special thanks to AnimeDutchess for the hairpin thing and N/A for the staircase people thingy. Keep sending ideas and they'll be placed where I see fit. So, an idea submitted in chappie 1 might not be used till chappie 3 or chappie 7, so on and so forth. So if I didn't use something this chappie, it will probably appear sometime in the future. REVIEW!