Author's Notes: I'm not going to bother with disclaimers anymore, and Author's Notes will pertain mostly to things I wanted to point out, either within the text itself, or about the process of writing—that's relevant, mind.

Dodecahedronforce: Link is Sad

All throughout the Lost Woods, fairies and sprites floated gaily through the air, and Kokiri played silly children's games that a grown person would have lost interest in within the first few minutes.

However, despite all of this merrymaking, Link, the Hero of Time, could only look upon his old friends with a lump in his throat and a sigh on his lips. "Sigh not so," William Shakespeare would have told him, if William Shakespeare did, indeed, know Link and of his woes. But he did not know Link, so Link had the freedom to sigh so as he pleased.

The Hero of Time parted with the child race of the Kokiri, his hair falling into his eyes. A few tear drops rolled slowly down his cheeks, probably because his eyes were irritated at having his hair in them so often. But, one could argue, Link was also crying because he was sad.

"Navi," he started, sitting on the lone, empty stump in the Lost Woods Meadow. "I am sad."

The fairy floated out from under his cap, where she had been picking lint for her collection. "Why are you sad, Link?"

Link let out a heart-breaking sigh. "Navi, I am sad because I have no arms." He paused for a moment, then he continued to explain exactly why he was sad: "My father-figure lied to me and told me that I would never grow up, but I had to go through puberty twice. People assume I'm either stupid because I have a big sword, or weak minded near women because I have a big … sword. My best friend and princess is being captured by the same evil force over and over again, and I'm the only one who can save her—or, I should say him, because Zelda is transgendered and is planning on undergoing a series of magical procedures that will let her inhabit Sheik's body permanently. My evil twin likes to throw cucco eggs at my house. But I can deal with all of those things. I am mostly sad because I have no arms."

Navi considered this carefully. True, Link's arms had been eaten off by Ganon in one of their last encounters, but it seemed queer to pout about this. It took a few minutes for her to concisely articulate her thoughts: "Link. Shut up."

Hours after Kyran had been spat out by the loathsome Sky Vagina, the tunnel that had transported her from her Nintendo64 to Hyrule, the illustrious teenager found herself at the gates of Hyrule Castle Market. She wandered about, listening to some people chatting about things she couldn't care less about (really, crops and how Wolfos had been getting at the cuccos, thus eliminating some family's means of income completely? Who did care?), and looking at jewelry. Naturally, none of it was brilliant enough for her, so she didn't bother buying any.

But once she tore herself away from the prospect of a shopping spree, Kyran turned to face the north of the market. There stood the castle, in all of its glory. Of course, having had a mother to read her bedtime stories (well, she DID have a mother to do such things, but she died most horribly.), Kyran knew that beautiful princesses lived in castles. Or, if the castle was without an heir, she had a chance at winning herself some good real estate in this new world. She wasn't exactly sure how that would work, but she was determined to rule Hyrule with an iron-bracelet-clad-wrist. Or fist; either one worked for her.

Thus, Kyran skipped merrily on her way to meet Zelda and perhaps send her away from Hyrule by besting her in a duel of wits. The guards, of course, were no problem: they were all too entranced by her clothing and marvelous beauty to stop her. Her shirt was a light blue, with a black and red star on the chest; the sleeves were short, and the body hugged her curvaceous body. Along with that, she wore hip-hugging jeans with patches sewn on, which included various Feminist slogans, band names and logos, and some reassurance that she was, indeed, Sexy and Foxy.

Her golden locks fell around her face just as she reached the side door. She recognized the crawlspace that fed the moat: Link had to crawl through in the games to meet with Zelda. But Kyran decided she would rather not get wet in her good clothing, and sat down to wait and pout 'til someone came 'round to help her.

This wasn't a long wait. "You!"

Kyran stood up and turned around, startled. "Me?" she inquired, spotting a tall man with no arms. She recoiled.

"Who are you, and where do you come from?" he asked. Kyran understood every word he said, even though she didn't speak Hylian.

"I am Kyran. I came here from … a place far away from here, spat out by the sky itself. I've come to help the Hero of Time, who is incompetent and loses at life," she announced, puffing out her chest proudly.

"That's me," drawled the pouting man. "I have no arms. I am sad." He let out a long, heavy sigh and started to walk off in the direction of the Market Town. "Come with me; I'll help you find a sword."

At those words, Kyran's eyes flashed bright red, as if they were reflecting the deep, fiery anger burning deeply in her soul; those eyes contained flames which danced in their own passion, and expressed what her words could not. "Excuse me?" she shrieked. She stomped in front of Link, who just met her gaze with his own dreamy expression. "I don't need you to buy me weaponry! I can go out and find money for myself! I'm an independent woman, and I throw my hands up at Beyoncé! I don't need any man holding me back, or any man making sexist jokes!"

Link just met her eyes with his own, which were glazed over as he thought about how good a cook the scientist at the lakeside house was. He did wondrous things to tektite, and Link fancied some tektite legs dipped in butter would be good.

"But, then again…" Kyran started, tracing the lines of muscle in Link's chest. "You are pretty hot for a guy with no arms."

"Thank you, I suppose," Link drawled, continuing on his pouting, sad way. He certainly did lose at life.

Link and Kyran arrived in the Bazaar not too long after their conversation about Beyoncé and throwing one's hands up at her. Link didn't understand this, and Kyran blamed his sword.

The perfect girl stepped into the Bazaar, looking over the weapons upon the walls. There were different style of swords, but most were either two-handed or broad swords, and most were not very aesthetically pleasing. "Hmph," she started, putting her hands on her hips. "I hope you have hotter swords than this in the back."

The large man behind the counter scoffed at how she dressed; it was unattractive, and he supposed she must have been a whore to dress as she did. "Eh? Oh, yeah. Right in the back, through there," he said, pointing half-heartedly through a doorway that had a ragged sheet of cotton covering it.

Kyran let out a loud gasp. "I will not sleep with you!" she spat, her eyes burning hotly once again. They flashed several colours this time: red, orange, tangerine, fuchsia, aquamarine, and a nice blend of salmon pink and a robin's egg blue. "You disgusting pig!"

Link wandered in at that point, sighed a pouting sigh, and examined some of the swords. O, how he longed to wield a sword again, to go galloping atop Epona and wave it in the morning sun, and to watch the light reflect off the blade as he sparred with Sheik. Or Zelda; she went by either name anymore.

"Link!" Kyran squealed, tugging him over by the empty sleeve of his tunic. A tear rolled down Link's cheek as he saw the material crumple in her fist. "You tell him exactly why he's a gross, disgusting pig, and cut off his hand for me!" she demanded, pointing a manicured finger at the hairy man.

Link's gaze met the Bazaar owner's, and the bigger man sighed; Link's woe was rather contagious. "I'm sorry, if I've said anything wrong. Here, Link, choose a sword, and you may have it for free."

Kyran let out a shriek of giddiness, and bounced away to grab a sword with a beautifully decorated hilt and scabbard. It was set with the most brilliant of diamonds, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, moon stones, and opals. "This! I want this one!"

"That one? Sorry, Miss, but that one's too heavy to be used properly in a fight. It's just for show—"

"Excuse me?" Kyran snapped, picking up the sword. "I can have any sword I want." The man behind the counter just shrugged it off and went back to his business. Link said nothing, but agreed to himself that that particular sword would be too heavy to use in a fight. He didn't so much as hint this to Kyran ever, mostly because he was too woeful to remember. Kyran drew the sword, waving it around a few times. Despite the obvious weight disadvantage, and the fact the blade wasn't designed to be balanced, Kyran was able to master complex techniques within moments.

"You're very talented, Miss," the Bazaar owner commented; he didn't look up from his book, though. It was a romance, and the heroine was just getting to kiss her love interest. It was a very emotional moment.

"Well, of course. I took fencing for a few days in my summer camp back home," she explained, seeming to disregard the fact that fencing was completely different from the style used with broad swords.

"Yes. Well, let's go; I can take you to see Hyrule, because it's … pretty to look at," Link said, kicking at the dust on the floor.

"Oh my God, really? You'll do that?" Kyran yelled, throwing her arms around Link.

"Yes. I'll take you to Lake Hylia, and we can swim and agitate the old scientist," Link said, rubbing his face against Kyran's shoulder. This sign of affection made her giggle; but Link didn't hear, as he was busy scratching his nose on the material of her shirt.