Author's Note: And here we have the obligatory scenes at Lake Hylia and with Princess Zelda.
Dodecahedronforce: ZOMG Zelda!
Lake Hylia was beautiful. The water was clean and clear, and the sun bore down on it all day, warming it to pleasant temperatures even on a chilly day. Tektites resided on the surface, but they didn't bother with passersby very often. They were more keen on basking in the sun and catching fishes that came too close.
There weren't too many fish in the main body of water, and those fish that did live there were found closer to the bottom of the lake. The bridges over the islands swayed and creaked softly in the breeze, and a few birds chirped atop the old tree on the island that housed the Water Temple.
A few Zora children splashed around the recently defrosted entrance to the Domain, laughing and trying to catch some Rupees that had drifted into the Lake from an unknown feed. The scarecrows chatted quietly to themselves about traveling and music, occasionally commenting about how nice it was to have the Zora swimming near their small field once more on such a fine day.
Any Hylian would have been content to set down a blanket near the water's edge and watch the Zora, enjoy the sun, and perhaps eat a packed lunch, but this was not good enough for an Earth girl.
"OH MY GOD, LINK!" Kyran squealed, taking in the sight. "WE HAVE TO GO SWIMMING!"
Link said nothing, but he nearly smiled when the warm breeze carried the fresh scent of the lake to his nose. Nearly.
But then he remembered he was supposed to be sad because he had no arms. That meant he couldn't swim. Kyran didn't seem to remember this, however; she was stripping off her clothing as she ran towards the lake. She laughed and dove in, pleased tremendously with how the water felt against her skin; it was very warm, like the water she used to bathe.
Kyran ran her fingers through her hair when she surfaced, then turned around to face Link. "Come on in! The water's wonderful!"
Link pouted and moved to sit next to the water. "I have no arms. I cannot swim."
"Oh, whatever," Kyran snapped. She went back to swimming around the lake, completely content. Link just watched her and sobbed, his misery at a peak.
"I can't swim," he mumbled to himself. The Zora children heard his pitiful weeping, and they left the water to approach him.
"Hey, mister!" one called. "What's the matter?"
"I have no arms," Link said, and he wiggled the stumps where his arms used to be to prove this.
"Gee, mister, that's a bummer," the other one said.
"Can I touch your stumps, mister?" Link nodded quietly and held out his stumps for the Zora children. They both moved closer to him and started to poke and prod at those stumps, feeling the scarred flesh and the protruding bone.
"What happened?" one asked.
"Ganon ate them off," Link said, sighing deeply.
"Ganon?" The Zora children looked at each other. "You mean the big green guy with the huge nose?"
"That's him," Link drawled, shifting.
"Aww, how come, mister? Did ya say somethin' to piss him off?"
"Watch your language," Link said. "No; I'm the Hero of Time. That's why he ate off my arms." Another teardrop rolled down his face.
The two Zoras looked at each other, then began to laugh. "Really, mister? My dad said the Hero of Time was a hip guy. You're just a lame-o," the taller boy said, holding his sides and laughing harder.
"Yeah," the other one agreed. "You lose at life!" With that, the two boys ran off, laughing and talking about how they would tell their fathers about this lame-o they met at the lake who lost at life.
Link sobbed harder. "Even children say I lose at life!" he wailed.
"What the hell are you whining about?" Kyran snapped. Link looked up and saw her standing in front of him, her hands on her hips and her pretty mouth pulled down in a frown.
"Kyran, I am sad." Kyran rolled her eyes.
"Whatever," she said.
"I am sad because I have no arms, so I cannot swim," Link explained, sighing and pouting. "Ganon ate them off the last time I saw him, so I only have stumps to wiggle. I can't swim with stumps. And my fairy spends all of her time collecting lint from my hat."
Navi, hearing Link mention her, floated out from under his hat. Kyran recognized her immediately. "OH my GAWD. You're that bitch fairy that interrupted me!" she exclaimed, thrusting out her hand to swat at her. "I'm gonna KILL YOU!"
Navi just jingled and floated higher, out of Kyran's reach. Unable to get at the fairy and make her pay for interrupting her, Kyran snorted in distaste ad turned back to Link. "You wanna hear something to complain about? My father took away my allowance because I spent more than I was supposed to. Chyeah; only a few thousand dollars on clothes and a new car, and he grounds me. My mother died when she was crushed by a vending machine, trying to get me a candy bar when I was five. I still blame myself for that, you know. I'll never forgive that vending machine. I lost my favorite pair of earrings. My dead mother raped me and beat me when I was eleven. I hate myself and I want to die!"
When she finished, Kyran threw herself at Link, burying her face in his chest, and sobbed. Link wiggled the stumps where his arms used to be to show that he would have embraced her if he had the appendages to do so.
"Oh, Link!" Kyran wailed, making her something of a hypocrite. "My life isn't easy at ALL! Only your warm embrace can keep me from locking myself in my bedroom to sing along to Evanescence and slit my wrists with a broken CD!"
And then Kyran noticed that Link had nothing with which he could embrace her. She cried harder.
Link had no experience in comforting other people, as he was usually the one being comforted. Many people took pity on how much he lost at life and would try to cheer him up by dancing or something equally as silly. The rest just pointed and laughed, or pointed and asked their mother what was wrong with him.
"I'll take you to see Sheik, I suppose. He'll know what to do," Link said, staring dreamily off into the distance.
Kyran perked up at this. "Really? Sheik? He's so HAWT!" she squealed. "Let's go!"
Whispers followed Link down the corridors of the Castle.
"He loses at life so hard," one maid whispered. "Why's he traveling with a tavern whore?" asked another. "You fancy that canker blossom gets cold wearing so little clothing?" a third pondered.
But these musings fell on deaf ears; Kyran was plotting a way to get Sheik away from the crowd and take him to have some fun. Since Sheik had arms, it would be much easier for him to play horseshoe with. She loved that game dearly. And then when they were done romping about the courtyard tossing horseshoes around, they could go find a nice, quiet part of the garden and make sweet, pollen-covered love.
After passing a few more offended maids, Link and Kyran came upon the throne room. There, in the throne, sat Zelda. But Zelda was not adorned beautifully in a dress of the finest silk, nor a crown fitted with the rarest gems known in the kingdom, nor delicate gloves which hid her creamy skin up to her upper arms.
Zelda was dressed in Sheik's clothing. "Hi, Zelda," Link drawled, sighing and pouting. Zelda, once thought to be a lesbian, was really straight, since she was a boy on the inside. This meant, either way, she wouldn't love him. Not that he loved her, though, because he didn't; her breasts were funny looking even before the transition began.
"Link," Zelda replied, her voice deeper than normal, but a little squeaky. It reminded Link of how he sounded when his voice began to deepen when he was a teenager. "Who's the broad?"
"You stupid bitch! I'm not some plaything for fucking bull dykes! YOU SENT LINK OUT TO SAVE THE WORLD WHEN HE WAS ONLY TEN YEARS OLD, AND YOU EXPECT HIM TO LOVE YOU? YOU THINK HE LIKES YOU? YOU'RE WRONG! HE HATES YOU! YOU'RE STUPID! I HOPE YOU DIE—oh…hey, where'd you get that cute necklace?"
Link pouted and began to wander off aimlessly, perhaps to go bother one of the more temperamental stallions in the stable. Then it would trample him to death, and he would be happy again. Maybe.
"This? Link gave it to me after I helped him defeat Ganon."
This set Kyran off again, and her eyes glowed a radioactive lime. "YOU STUPID SLUTHOR! I BET YOU THINK HE LOVES YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE THAT NECKLACE! I BET YOU LOVE HIM AND WANT TO FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT, DON'T YOU, YOU FUCKING DYKE?"
"Err, no, actually. I wear this necklace because it's actually rather neat; I don't love Link as anything more than a friend. I'm transgendered, you see, so I believe that I was meant to be a man, but was born in a woman's body. I do like girls, but not because I'm a lesbian," Zelda explained calmly.
"Oh, wow, how do you keep your nails so neat? I have to get mine manicured every three days," Kyran said, gripping Zelda's hands and examining her slender, well-kept fingers. "And they're so shiny, too…"
"Thank you; I have Impa take care of them for me. I've been a nail biter since I was small, so she keeps them groomed for me so I'm not constantly nibbling them down to nubs," Zelda said, a little amused—if not distraught by the yelling—at how quickly Kyran could change her mind about a person.
"Oh mah gawd; we totally need to go shopping together!" Kyran announced, squealing joyfully.
"Oh…I suppose I have some free time," Zelda mused.
"GREAT!" With that, Kyran grabbed Zelda and pulled her along out of the castle, completely abandoning Link, who was currently face-down in a puddle.