E/N- This chapter contains one (or two) little sweary word(s). I hope you're not too disappointed in us…

Chapter 2: Potions, Personality Problems and Parties

No one's POV

Hermione finally took Harry to the Hospital wing. She had missed the first class and now was going to Potions after leaving Harry. Hermione slipped in to class beside Ron, who was looking at her dreamily.

'Mr Weasley, you can make goo goo eyes at Miss Granger later. Miss Granger, come and sit beside Mr Malfoy. Now!' Snape spat. Hermione ran to sit down beside Draco.

Draco's POV (thinking)

Yippee! Wait – Did I just say….yippee! I'm losing my evil touch! Father's not going to be pleased!

Hermione's POV (saying)

Oh, look, it's Malfoy, that guy we all thought opened the Chamber of Secrets! Oh look, here's Harry! He's in a wheelchair, his head is bandaged and his arm is broken! (Draco says: Yes, yes, we can see…). Shut up, you are completely insignificant now that Harry is back.

Ron's POV

Damn it! You know I have to do something to make Mione notice me. Just this once. Ah ha! A potion! It could be dangerous, but what am I, stupid? I'll drink the potion anyway. (Gulps down bottle). Ooh! Minty fresh! I feel a little dizzy…um…WHO AM I?

Hermione's POV

Stupid idiot. I bet he's trying to get my attention. Well, swaying from side to side isn't going to work, is it? Coz I'm hard to get.

Draco's POV

Don't panic, don't panic (looking very shifty). All the Weasley's are stupid. Well, Ginny's kinda.….cute.….if you like that sort of thing. Do I look better than Harry?

Harry's POV

Hermione's not going to start singing muggle love songs again, is she!

Ron's POV

(Falls to ground) WHO AM I! (Faints)

Hermione's POV

Oh well. I better look like I care Ron's fainted, because everyone else does. Better not look too concerned though, or Harry might get the wrong idea. Ron cramps my style.

Ron's POV

(Jumps up and everyone moves out of the way) I am….Hermione, no I am Harry no I am Snape no I am Dumbledore no wait a minute…..YES! I AM HARRY POTTER! (Runs madly out of the classroom).

Everyone's POV

Insane stupid idiot.

Harry's POV

He isn't me! I AM! (Starts to roll the wheelchair out of the door) COME BACK HERE AND BRING MY IDENTITY WITH YOU!

Everyone's POV

Another stupid idiot.

Later that evening…

Hermione's POV (Talking to video camera)

Hiya cammie, let me update you. So, previously at Hogwarts the mad house, Ron drank a potion to make me notice him, and he lost his mind (literally). He now thinks he is Harry and the real hot hunky Harry is totally pissed. Oh yeah, and I could have sworn I heard Draco mutter "Yippee!" when I got moved next to him in potions. (Ron comes running into the room yelling "HA HA I'M HARRY POTTER!" He wiggles his bum at the camera saying "Shove that up your arse!") Ok….I told you he'd lost his mind…. (Ron runs out of the room saying "BEERS ON ME!") Ahem, beers on me, heh, well I think that explains a lot of what I was saying. Well bye, I'm off to catch the real Harry. He's soo much better looking (Turns off camera)

Ron's POV

Oh, I'm so cool, PARTY OVER HERE!

Harry's POV

Wait a minute… I'M so cool! The party is OVER HERE people, OVER HERE! (Eyebrow starts twitching from the stress) I need attention. Or beer. Beer it is then. (Drinks 2 cans of Muggle beer in quick succession) Ooh! That was good. So. Attention. (Empties ice bucket over self) I'M SO COOL! (teeth start chattering) I'M SO DAMN FREEZING!

Hermione's POV

(Pokes camera around door frame, watching scene in common room) Pathetic. The pair of them (Ron sings "Looooook at me, I don't know the words but I'M HARRY!") Harry is majorly drunk. Ron is just like that even without drink. Well, not like that. Normally he thinks he's Ron Weasley. But now he's Harry Potter. Two Harrys, vying for my heart. It's nice to be wanted.

Ron's POV

He thinks he's so big and clever and…Harry. But I'M Harry, and I'm really big and clever. Let's just hope Hermione thinks that too. (Hermione says "Stupid eejits! BOTH OF YOU!") Oh damn maybe she doesn't. So what would I do in a situation like this? I know! (Bursts into tears)

Hermione's POV

Oh no! I hurt his feelings! I'm so stupid! (Runs over to Ron and hugs him) I'm sorry Ron! I'm soo sorry! (Ron says "She loves me! She really does!") Oh god (pushes Ron away) I have to find the antidote to this potion!

Harry's POV

He.….she.….they.….she LOVES HIM! Noooo! But he's me! Or- am I him? Are we both me? Is he us? Are we them? Is us you? Or is he Snape? Is Snape Voldemort? Maybe we're both really the same person, who is neither of us. But who? Are we him? But, who is him? Is him me, or him? AAAAH! (faints from brain crash due to pronoun overload, and everyone runs over to gawp. He yawns and starts to snore).

Hermione's POV

Oh well. (Snape bursts into the common room and everyone goes quiet). Oh no. Here we go.

Snape's POV

Hmmmmm. So, you stupid children, thought you would have a disco without me, did you? (Ron says "Yup, because you're a geek") Thank you for that Ron. Well, I only have one thing to say. Do you have some Britney? (Everyone just stares). Oh, come on. I'll say it straight. Can I party? Du-uh. (the Gryffindors groan) If you don't let me, I'll take off 1000 points.…. (unanimous agreement that Snape can boogie on down). (Just then a Boggart comes in, but no-one knows it's a Boggart because…..)

Boggart's POV

I AM VOLDEMORT! FEAR ME! YOU ARE ALL SCARED OF ME! (Everyone screams, and Harry wakes up and says "except me") Yes but you're a freak, Potter. So. Can I party? (Harry says "wait! You're not Voldemort!") Why not? ("Because Voldemort told me the first time I met him that he would never party again because his girlfriend dumped him at one") Dammit, you smart arse. (The Boggart turns into an oval shaped blue furry thing with very short legs (the real form of the Boggart) and starts to 'jam').

Harry's POV

(Still lying on floor) Ok. Snape and a Boggart are dancing at a disco in the Gryffindor common room and I am lying on the floor. OI! A LITTLE HELP HERE, PEOPLE, I AM THE REAL HARRY POTTER!

Ron's POV

Yeah yeah. He's not the real Harry Potter but he does need help. Major men in white coats help. He thinks he's not scared of V-v-v-vol.….y.….you-know-who. Neither am I. 'Cause I'm Harry Potter. Hey, that Boggart's pretty cute. Oi! Boggy! How about a dance, hen? (E/N- We're Glaswegian and that's meant to say hen, not then)

Hermione's POV

(Goes and helps Harry up) Shame Ron doesn't realise it'll still turn into a.….

Ron's POV

…..SPIDER! ARGH! Wait a mo….. I'm Harry Potter! And I'm not scared of spiders. Am I? No. Oh well. I wonder if spiders can dance.….

Harry's POV

Thanks Mione. So, what do we do about that idiot? I hope the potion wears off after a while. But what if it doesn't? I couldn't live with my alter ego. But is he me? My head hurts. I'm going to bed.

Hermione's POV

It must be wearing off, because Ron thought he was still scared of spiders! I hope he's Ron soon. Harry is much cuter.

Snape's POV

I like the Boggart. It's soft. And fluffy. Like my teddy, Mr Squidgy. Oh, poor Mr Squidgy! He must be getting lonely in my cold, damp dungeon. I have to go and hug him!

Fred & George's POV

Ha! Slimeball git! He ate our Warm and Fluffy Angel Cake! Na na na na naaa naaaaa! He'll be feeling warm and fluffy for days now! Wonder what's wrong with Ron? Probably got some cursed toffee from Charlie.

Harry's POV

Damn that Ron. I'll show him no one can beat the HARRY POTTER! Let's think. Hmmmmmmmmmmm. (Sees his invisibility cloak and his mind drifts off to the one-eyed witch and Hogsmeade..…)

No-one's POV

Harry put on his invisibility cloak, and wildly ran to the statue, waving his arms around. Everyone stopped dancing to watch his floating arms thrashing about in the air. Harry stopped at the witch's hump, tapped it with his wand, slid down the hole and picked up his scooter that he kept hidden there for emergencies. He hopped on, and scootered down the tunnel, with the cloak sliding off him, leaving his ankles and hands showing. He sped past a cloaked figure sitting hunched up on the ground, did a double take, stopped, scootered backwards, and stood in front of the figure, who was now drawing stickmen in the dirt.

'Voldemort?' Harry whispered, pulling the cloak off him.

The figure looked at him. 'What do you want?'

'How are you, Voldie, old chum?'

Voldemort jumped to his feet and screamed in an uncharacteristically high-pitched voice, 'HARRY POTTER! I swear revenge! I WILL kill you, you stupid little boy. You're just a spotty teenager, but you probably have enough social problems to keep you busy without having to worry about being chased by some evil, nasty, grumpy and amazingly good looking wizard is after you. Oh well, where was I? Oh yes: THIS TIME I'LL KILL YOU HARRY POTTER AND NOW I HAVE A GOOD OLD FASHIONED BOW AND ARROW!"

Harry gulped. 'Uh yeah. Whatever. The thing is, I promise to let you get on with your evil ways if you come to the party in the Gryffindor common room and tell Ron he's not me.'

'What's in it for me?'

'Em, free pizza……'

'Do I get to stay for the party?'

'Eh, yeah, sure.' Harry said. 'But I doubt there will be one once you arrive,' he finished in an undertone.

Tune in next time for…the entrance of Voldemort, an Elvis Costume, the return of the scooter, and a very redundant tea towel!

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