Wow guyz, it's been a blast. The first chapter of this got so many reviews over the last 9 monthz I just had to give my loyal fanz another snippet! N shit…. I got a junior book deal in my neighbourhood off this realz kewl guy who says I only need to do some stuff for him and he'll publish my book. He said more young girls should have as ridiculous an attitude to sex and cocaine use as me. He's so super kewl, you should all look out for your own 'special friend', as he likes me to call him. You get loads of like money and destiny's child cds and shit, it's brilliant.
Their romance had blossomed quickly, like the rose-tinted cherry trees that lined the scrubby track down to the lake where they had spent their first night together. Snuggled up for warmth by the glow of their dying campfire, lost amid the gentle rustle of waves kissing the gravel beach and the soaring panorama of stars whirling overhead, each knew that they were truly blessed to find such a true, immutable love. The eastern sky had lightened to orange, the obsidian sheen of the lake had erupted into fire as the sun crested the rolling hills, and each had known that they would be together forever, despite the fact that being fourteen they were far too stupid to make such a judgement and even their few remaining friends had taken to passing the days organising school-wide sweepstakes on who would dump who first and within how many days. Bitterness is the greatest fuel. And with the same innocence as the cherry blossoms that snaked up behind them, neither had anticipated the fall from grace which, in the end, would come as surely as autumn browned the leaves on those trees, and as surely as early teens will think they know things about 'life' because they own a Will and Grace boxset and once watched Se7en when their parents were out.
Mione (still somehow able to exist happily in a world where such a nickname could exist) had been walking along happily one day in late July, her arm tucked waggishly through Draco's, listening to him talk endlessly about everything and nothing – his love of Maroon 5, the latest pro-skateboarding game out on the Playstation, how he really really dug that chick out of 24 who always gets kidnapped (Mione didn't mind, she thought it was 'cute', kind of like that list they did in that episode of Friends only not funny whatsoever), his discovery of this hilarious website where people with no talent wrote about fictional characters they didn't invent having ludicrous relationships… the list was endless. She was lost in how cool he was, how his tirelessly crafted gel quiff of a fringe never looked shit, how he wrote 'lyrics' (or 'thought poems' as he liked to call them) on the back of his hand or the back of bus tickets. He said one day he was going to get a band and make it big. He would have to take up herion first, but she knew where to get some. It seemed their world was as perfect as the O.C. and just as annoying for everybody else that isn't in it.
Then it happened. And this is roughly how it went:
They were sitting on the grass outside that big building from the books ("Hogwarts" I think it's called); he was making daisy chains and she was playing with her mobile phone. He said,
"Hey 'Mione (a million readers cringe), you should get that 'crazy frog' thing. It's so neat and funny, I wish I had a phone so I could play it all the time and laugh."
Something snapped that moment in Hermione Granger. Now I realise this chapter bears no relation to the other one, but I can't say that's stopped anybody else on this site, so her character might seem to have changed a bit. Don't worry about this, just go along with it. Anyway… something in her broke forever. She felt an energy roaring through her arms, felt her teeth grinding in her mouth, felt a red fog snake through the tunnels of her mind, and she pounced through the air with a ear-shredding scream of love-freshly-turned-hate that spun the heads of all her fellow students in a half-mile radius.
Raining down skull-shattering blows on Draco's head, she accompanied each with a bellowed word of rage,
"NO – YOU – DON'T – EVER – MENTION – THAT – FUCKING – FROG – AGAIN – YOU – TERRIBLE – BASTARD – NOW – GET – OUT – OF – MY – FUCKING – SIGHT"
Draco squealed in terror and Harry came trotting out of a nearby door, dressed head to foot in a salmon-pink shell suit with gold ribbon accessories. He thrust Mione away and embraced Draco tightly to his heaving bosom.
It was at this point (not, you notice, the Maroon 5 thing or pretending to like the 'chick out of 24') that Mione realised Draco was, in fact, not as certain about his leanings as she was. That this bears no resemblance whatsoever to the published works of JK Rowling is of as little consequence to me as it is to the rest of you on this site – ie, I don't give a fuck and neither do you.
"Fuck YOU, honky", said Draco, who was now inexplicably of African-American descent, "Stop messing wit me else I pop a cap in yo bitch ass"
(You might notice that racial/sexual stereotypes are also bandied about fairly liberally here; this is intentional, bear with me)
Harry dusted him down and dragged him back inside, whilst Mione pondered the plot structure of this chapter and quite why it makes so little sense.
Then the writer got bored and finished Chapter 2.