Please don't annoy us with things about the Elvis costume…..we're too young to know!
Chapter 3: Vanity, Voldemort and Va-va-vooom!
No-one's POV
'Hey! How's it hangin'?' yelled Voldemort as he stepped into the room.
Everyone stopped partying and stared.
'So, let's get this party started! Uuuh-huh!'
Everyone ran away.
'What?' asked Voldemort innocently (if that's possible for a mass murderer…...) 'Was the Elvis costume too far?'
'I think so,' Harry said, averting his eyes from the big gold medallion hanging round Voldemort's neck.
Snape hadn't run with the others, and neither had the Boggart. One look at Voldemort, and crack it was a…..fluffy white kitten.
'Argh! Back, you mangy creature!' Voldemort shouted. Snape started to stroke said kitten, crooning and purring. Harry pulled him off it.
'Party's over, Snape, go home.'
Snape burst into tears. 'But…..but…...'
'Go. Home.' Harry repeated, in a dangerous tone. Snape turned round to leave, then thought better of it and fell to one knee.
'This is the end, Boggy, will you marry me?'
The Boggart turned into James Potter, suddenly realising that Snape needed a good fright.
'ARGH!' yelled Snape, and ran out of the portrait-hole.
'Hey dad,' Harry said.
But the Boggart turned into a Dementor.
'Expecto…..riddikulus!' Harry said, and the dementor's cloak fell off and it ran off its hands between its legs. Harry laughed and the Boggart disappeared with a crack.
Voldemort looked disappointed. 'Anyway, I'll go, erm.…. thanks for everything.'
He left, leaving Harry feeling entirely depressed.
Depressed?
'Why should I feel depressed?' Harry thought. 'I can twist this story so much it'll be the talking point of the century!'
He ran off to his dorm, waving his arms around and yelling 'I FOUGHT OFF VOLDEMORT!'
Next day at breakfast…
'Prat.'
'Will he ever shut up?'
'Does he really think we believe him?'
Harry was standing on top of the Gryffindor dining table, on top of a plate that had been full of toast. He was gleefully broadcasting his fabricated tale of life-threatening duels and amazing defeat to anyone that cared to listen. That would be…..no one.
'So, he says, let's see what you're made of, Potter, so I…..wait for it…..I turned him into a bone! 'Cause I'm made of bone! A bone wearing an Elvis costume! You should have seen his face…..'
Ron had fallen asleep, his head in his porridge bowl. Hermione was making pictures with toast soldiers, as Harry had tipped all the toast onto her plate.
McGonagall had had enough. 'Mr Potter, would you kindly –'
But Dumbledore put his hand over her mouth. 'Wait, Minerva.'
He clapped his hands once, and as usual after meals, everything on the gold platters disappeared.
Harry landed with a thud on top of several house-elves in the Hogwarts kitchen.
In the kitchen…
'There we go! I'd say that this tea towel fits rather nicely,' Harry said as he admired his new outfit. He was wearing a large tea towel around his waist, and had a blown up pillowcase on his head to resemble a chef's hat. 'Come on, guys, Harry better start making dinner for all the Hogwarts students!'
All the house-elves were standing in little groups away from Harry, as they clearly thought he was off his rocker. A/N: well, wouldn't you if you saw Harry Potter standing in your kitchen wearing a tea towel? Eh…..no, wait a minute…..no! Stop the nasty images!
Dobby edged forward. 'Harry Potter, sir, Dobby thinks, we all thinks, that you is ill.'
'Why? Harry is fine! Now let's get to work,' Harry grinned. All the house-elves just stared. 'WORK!' Harry shouted, and all the house-elves hurried off to work.
Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione are in the common room
'I think Malfoy is up to something,' Hermione said suddenly. 'I saw him smile at me today.'
'Oh god really?' asked Ron sarcastically. 'He must have opened the chamber of no secrets to unleash the terrible monster that Harry has already killed!' he finished dramatically, then started to bite his nails. 'Oh wait, that's stupid. We dealt with that problem already. Must be up to something else.' Hermione and Ron went into deep thought.
Back in the kitchen…
'Ok, orders up, we need a half fried dog in a basket of grandma's eggs,' Harry yelled. He seemed to be quite enjoying himself. All of the house-elves stopped and raised an eyebrow.
Harry's POV
All these elves look at me so strangely! But I'm one of them now! Anyway. (Speaking) Oh, what? What do you mean, you can't find any of grandma's eggs? Or a fried dog? How useless are you elves? (Thinking) But does that…..that not make me useless, too? Nooo! (Snatches bottle of butterbeer from Winky, and takes a swig, pretending it makes him drunk.)
Back to the common room…
'I wonder if we should go and get Harry? He's been down in the kitchen for three days now, I don't think he knows that the pear on the door has disappeared and no one can get in,' Hermione said..
'It's not like he'll starve or anything,' Ron reasoned.
'I know, but he'll be lonely!'
Ron rolled his eyes.
A while later…
'I've got it!' Hermione screeched.
'What now?'
'Let's go and film Harry in the kitchen! We can use it as campaign footage for SPEW!'
'Enough with the spew. It's a good idea though.'
'You know, muggles have this thing called Fly on the Wall documentaries, it's like a camera following people, but it doesn't get in the way and just films them doing everything like they would if it wasn't there.'
'Cool! Let's do that – bagsie I'm filming!'
'Yes, bagsie you do…..' Hermione said mysteriously.
One minute and a large bang later…
'Great! That went well!' Hermione said, rubbing her hands together happily.
Ron buzzed.
'Come on then. We need to find the kitchen window. And don't look at me like that…..'
Ron rubbed a leg over his eye, and flew off the table, miniature camcorder between his middle feet.
Harry's POV (What Ron is seeing in the camera)
No! No – you can't do this! Not – you – can't…..(bursts into tears) These stupid house-elves! Hey – maybe Hermione's right about the house-elves. But…..but a strike? You CAN'T GO ON STRIKE! (The house-elves wave various items of clothing on sticks and look menacing.)
Hermione's POV (looking in the window)
Must – resist – urge – to – stand – up – for – house-elves…..
Ron's POV
Buzz. (in high-pitched squeaky fly like voice) Hermione –buzz- turn me back –buzz- (Hermione laughs) I mean it –buzz- I am your sidekick! (Hermione says 'Yes and that is all you'll ever be!') You are evil you –buzz- know that? (Hermione- 'Yes and I'm lovin' it lovin' it lovin' it, I'm lovin' it like that…..')
Hermione's POV
What is he saying? That I am not allowed to get down with my bad jiggy self?
Harry's POV
Hyperventilating – only – first – week – of – job – need help – need – butterbeer…..
Hermione's POV
(Whispering through gritted teeth) Damn that strategically placed tea-towel…..
Ron's POV
Hermione! –Buzz- Such a dirty mind! (Hermione says – 'How did you hear?') Funny how such a –buzz- little fly has such big ears…..
Hermione's POV
No Ron, that's just you that have big ears. But then again Ron, you are dimmer when you are human (Ron says 'Thank you,' then looks confused.) I'll turn you back.
Ron's POV (now human, looking through the window next to Hermione)
Oooh (sings) 5 currant buns on the big round table, along comes Dobby with a knife today, cuts one up and takes it away…..(Ron looks longingly at the buns on the table) 4 currant buns….. (Hermione says 'What are you…..?' and gives him a 'aren't you pathetic' look.)
Harry's POV
Having nervous breakdown! (Falls to ground) No, hang on, I want a currant bun before I collapse….. (eats bun and falls back down to ground.)
Ron's POV
(In David Attenborough voice) Watch, as the Harry gets insecure, and cries for attention, though food is no match for the said attention. (Hermione whispers "You want attention baby, STRIP! Huh? It's not what it sounds like, Ron) Suuuure Mione, I believe you…..
Harry's POV
This is not working?
Hermione's POV
Take off the tea towel…..it will work…..
Harry's POV
Is that my conscience speaking?
Hermione's POV
Yes. It is. Take it off. You know you want to.
Ron's POV
Oh no, I can't see this! I'm off….. (runs off to dorm).
Harry's POV
Hello, Conscience….. (Hermione says 'Oh no, I dropped my quill' and starts scrabbling around on the ground to look for it) I shall do anything for attention! (whips off tea towel and pillowcase, runs around the kitchen then out the door, to jump on to his strategically placed scooter.)
Hermione's POV
Ah ha! There it is….. Where's Harry? His tea towel is on the floor…..oh my gosh, he did strip….. I have to find him!
Harry's POV
Woohoo! I'm free from that kitchen! I'm naked! Aaaand….. I'M INVISIBLE! A/N He's not, he just thinks he is….. Invisible, that is.
(now ensues a tastefully shot scene involving Harry scootering down the corridors in slow motion – the following version of Invisible by D-Side is playing in the background (words by Quillmagic))
What are you doing tonight/
I can't keep an eye after all/
Am I really alone/
I wish I could tell/
If you are pranking me/
(so tell me)
What would it take to make you see/
Muchifing is bad you guys/ (E/N Aisha what the hell is this meant to say?)
After all you tell a thousand lies…..
I am invisible/
I can just wander and prepare Snape's doom/
I am invisible/
I'll make Filch insane tonight
If I wasn't pranking you/
I would just tell you where I stand/
But I am the worst man/
If I was invisible
I see her face in a crowd/
I call out her name/
She can't see me around
She freaks and tells headless nick/
Say's I'm a ghost/
I'm dead to the ground
Then she sees me soon/
Flees out the room/
Too scared you see/
Thought I was dead/
She told head ned !
But we are invisible/
Dumbledore said to use it well…..
(E/N I hope you see, by now, why FicChick does the beta and type up for this :-P)
Hermione's POV
Oh, where's he going….. argh! No, I mean, um, yay….. no! it's yuk, Hermione, the word is YUK! Really? No. It's yum….. oh gosh did I say yum! It's NOOOOO! Anyway I'll follow him to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid…..
Snape's POV
(singing) I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and BRIIIIGHT! (The window he is skipping past smashes) Oh, there's that nice Potter boy who invited me to his party. Hey! Stop! I want to say thank you! (Snape runs out in front of the scooter…..)
Hermione's POV
Oh, that singing is terrible! That singing is Snape! How does he do that not-moving-your-mouth thing anyway? (She sees Snape run in front of the scooter) NOOOOO! Hey….. hold on, did I say no? I meant yay. (A little devil and angel appear on each of her shoulders. The devil says 'Go on, he's given you detention. He's given you grief. He's put you through hell. Let him get squashed.' The angel says 'No, save him. He's human. You can't watch him die like that?) Hey! Stop! I need time to think. Impedimenta. That's better. (The angel and devil start chanting 'save him' 'kill him' 'save him' 'kill him' etc etc ad nauseum) SHUT UP! (They shut up) Ok. (the jinx wears off and they start moving) Ok. I'm going to….. (she runs and takes a flying leap at Snape, pushing him out of the way!)
Snape's POV
Mwah! Mwah! I love you, you kind, pretty little girl! You saved my life! I love you!
Hermione's POV
No no no, you don't, it's a spell, you won't love me when it wears off, you'll hate me, you, you….. sniff (She pouts).
(Snape gets offended and wanders off someplace else.)
Thanks for reading! Tune in next time for….. a pile up, the amazing talent of Draco Malfoy, Dumbledore's flirting tips, Ron's depression, Harry's homophobia and much much more!
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