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Chapter 5: Spies, Secrets and Scientists
Madame Pomfrey's POV
Finally, some ill people to fix! And a house-elf! I want to try that new medicine on it to see if it works, or if it will just kill it. (Rubs hands together excitedly.)
(Harry and Dobby wake up)
"Ahh! Homosexual house-elf!"
"Ahh! Harry Potter sir!"
"Ahh! Homosexual house-elf!" (Etc. etc. ad nauseum)
Ron's POV
(in the Forbidden Forest) I will get my precious, he can't have my precious, my precious Mione. Muhahahaha ha ha cough cough I think I swallowed a fly!
Hermione's POV
(In her dorm) My Harry is in hospital, my Harry is in hospital, my Harry is in hospital! (Parvati says "Hermione, we get the picture, just go to sleep!") NO! (Thinking) Draco thinks he is the next pop idol, and Dumbledore dances the funky chicken for McGonagall, and he thinks it's (forgets she is thinking and shouts) SEXY? (the girls in the dorm say 'Shhhhh!') Sorry. Oh well, I suspect this will get back to normal soon.
Meanwhile in the hospital wing…..
"Ahh! Homosexual house-elf!"
"Ahh! Harry Potter sir!"
(Madame Pomfrey comes in to give them more sedative.)
A long time later in the hospital wing…..
(Harry wakes up)
'Ahh! Homosexual…..Professor Dumbledore, sorry, didn't see you there, hehe. Is everything ok, sir?'
'I could ask you the same thing,' Dumbledore said. 'From what I've heard, you're having some problems with the ladies?'
'What!' Harry said, shocked.
'Well, I just came to tell you, ahem…..I've always found that dancing the funky chicken really turns them on…..'
Images of Professor Dumbledore dancing the funky chicken for Professor McGonagall floated through Harry's head and his mouth fell open. 'Really?' he asked, with utter sincerity.
Dumbledore smiled and nodded.
'Thanks, Professor!'
Hermione's POV
(Two days later) Hi camera. I feel I should update you. Ron has disappeared, no one's seen him since Friday. That's three days! Dobby is reportedly in a coma in the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey denies all knowledge. Fishy, she is. Elves have rights too!
But this is the really strange thing. Harry has been following me around everywhere, singing the birdie song and dancing the funky chicken in circles around me. I think Pomfrey's addled his brains, (says in bitter tone) or Ron, with the frying pan. Whenever I'm not there, though, everyone says he's perfectly normal. I don't get it! I know boys are annoying when they're trying to display affection but this is too far…..hang on…..THAT'S IT! A/N-Think Miss Congeniality for the next bit….. HE LUUUURVES ME! HE WANTS TO SNOOOOOG ME! (Runs down stairs into common room, where Harry starts to dance and sing and Hermione keeps going "he luuurves me" etc.)
Ron's POV
(Still in the forbidden forest) Pain…..must…..feel…..pain…..argh! DOBBY! What the hell are you doing here? (Sees knife in Dobby's hand) Oh – you're having a tough time too, huh? Don't worry, we can cut it together. (Ron picks up knife and lets out a wolf howl.)
Hagrid's POV
Huh? Down, Fang. A dunno what it was, bu' we'll go an' fin' out, shall we, Fang? Good lad.
Hermione's POV
Harry do you really love me? Do you really want to marry me? Do you want to love and to hold me? In sickness and in health?
Harry's POV
No.
Hermione's POV
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO? You've been following me singing "here comes the bride"!
Harry's POV
Oh no, you see I have this walkman and it has that song on it. I was just singing along.
Hermione's POV
WHAT? I mean, yeah, everyone has that song on their walkman…..yeah…..I never liked you, anyway! (Bursts into tears and runs to dorm).
Ron's POV
What am I doing? I can't die! That would be giving up! I'M COMING, MIONE!
Dobby's POV
But Ron Weasley, sir, Dobby is so honoured to die with you, sir, Dobby is heartbroken too, Winky doesn't like Dobby, sir!
Ron's POV
You gotta buckle up, son, love is a bumpy ride. (E/N – Aisha, how is Ron gonna know that?)
Professor Trelawney's POV
(E/N- This whole sorry mess just got a whole lot sorrier and messier.)
(In her bedroom (E/N-Presumably, because Aisha never bothered to say)) I am fed up of Harry Potter coming back and not dying like I predicted. He is giving me a bad name. It's off to the lab. (Stands on "one" of the beds) Pull the lever, Draco! (Draco pulls the bedpost. Trelawney and Draco fall through the bed into bumper cars. (E/N- Aisha, why were they both on the same bed?) They dodge the other empty bumper cars till they get to the other side of the room. They press a button and go through a door and fall into rollercoaster seats. (E/N- Help! My brain hurts!)
Draco's POV
Trelawney, Trelawney put your hands in the air! (Trelawney put on a pair of those goggles you see in movies like the Dambusters)
(At the end of the rollercoaster they fall onto a trampoline. Both grab white coats and run into a very modern lab)
Meanwhile…..
Hagrid's POV
Dobby! Give me my butter knife back! Oi! Don't you run away from me!
Dobby's POV
(Hagrid is chasing Dobby) Hagrid doesn't understand Dobby! Leave Dobby alone! He only has socks! No Winky! No LOVE!
Hagrid's POV
It's ok, Dobby, I've got no love too. (stops in his tracks) I've got no love! Not even Olympe! (Dobby stops too)
Dobby's POV
Does Hagrid sir want to talk about it? (He sits down on a log and pats the space next to him.)
Meanwhile…..
Ron's POV
(Wearing black polo-neck top and black trousers, throwing a rope and grappling hook to the top of the Gryffindor Girls Dorm tower, and starts to climb wall.) I will get you my lovely!
Meanwhile…..
Harry's POV
I love spring cleaning, don't you? (Everyone left in the common room leaves.)
Hermione's POV
Was that a grappling hook! (Runs over to window, opens it, sticks her head out and Ron is looking straight at her.) OH MY GOD! IT'S SIMON COWELL! (A/N Well you did say black top and trousers, Aisha…..)
Harry's POV
(Sniffs) Aah…..mountain fresh. Wait a minute! I smell trouble!
Meanwhile in Trelawney's lab…..
"Fly wings?"
"Check."
"Bogworms?"
"Check."
"Evilroot?"
"Check."
"Scalpel?"
"Ch…..what?"
"Oh, sorry, got carried away. Anyway, let's get started.
Harry's POV
(Ties a bedsheet round neck (E/N: Déjà vu!) and runs off, Marauder's Map in his hand) Ah ha! Draco and Trelawney….. What the hell are they doing in Trelawney's bedroom! (E/N: Wouldn't we all like to know...)
Back at the lab…..
Draco's POV
How about we sing a little chant, huh? (Starts chanting, like the army chant, if you get what we mean…..)
We are the evil gang! We like to dance and shag around E/N: that's what she wrote folks. (Trelawney says "Huh?") Come on Prof, loosen up! (Trelawney shrugs and starts chanting.)
Ron's POV
I'll get you my pretty come to me…… Em, I mean, I'm coming to yooou.
Hermione's POV
How can he NOT love me? I'm so smart and cool (well, erm, yeah) I've read so many books….. (The angels come back on her shoulders) (Evil angel says " Yes, but have you read any love books? In fact, have you read one book that is of any relevance to your life at all?) Who said that? (She looks to either side.) Not again!
Evil Angel/Devil's POV
You don't wanna listen to that sissy angel with the halo, look at her! She's so prim. You wanna listen to me! Look what I can do! (Does backflip.)
Hermione's POV
Eh…..I don't really see what that has to do with…...
Good Angel's POV
No, no, wait a minute, she's got a point there (Good angel disappears).
Hermione's POV
Okay, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Erm, so, what do I do? (Evil angel says "Get a dirty boook!") Right. (Starts skipping towards library).
Harry's POV
(Listening through door, hears Trelawney and Draco chanting in a Sean Paul accent "I don't really care what people say, I'm gonna do what I like doin, still gotta stick to ma girls like glue…..) Freaky.
Ron's POV
Just….. a little….. further (Dobby runs out of nowhere with his knife and cuts the rope Ron is hanging off, then runs away waving his arms laughing manically.) BOOF (Ron muttering to himself darkly) Bloody little house-elf took me all night to climb up the bloody wall and what do I get? Bloody thorns stuck in my arse, while geeky boy just needs to walk down the corridor and boom the girls are everywhere. Him and me see this school differently, him babe mania and me well, eh, I dunno…..
Harry's POV
(Skids to a halt in front of broom cupboard, takes out a broom and lies down on top of it, so it looks like he is flying like Superman. He sticks one arm out in front of him and puts the other one on his hip. He sings, to the tune of Star Wars) Da-da-da daa daa da-da-da daaaaah dum da-da-da daaaah dum diddle dee dum! Why am I singing Star Wars? They are my box office rivals! Anyways. I'm coming to save the planet!
Meanwhile in Trelawney's Lab…
"Are you sure no-one's going to find us, Prof?"
"Positive. Who'd think to look in my bedroom?"
"Well, I don't think anyone would get further than the doorway. Your incense really does smell."
"That's the point, dear Draco, that is the point. Pass me those fly wings….."
BAM
Harry and his broom clattered off the trampoline and rolled along the ground to Draco's ankles. Draco dropped the fly wings and the bottle smashed next to Harry's back.
"YOU!" Harry and Draco exclaimed simultaneously.
"Didn't you see this coming?" Draco raged at Trelawney.
"The inner eye sees past the mundane," she said calmly.
"Mundane? MUNDANE? He's not MUNdane, he's bloody well INsane! A/N: This is like soooo Arthur Dent, lol
Trelawney looked from one to the other.
"I predict great humiliation for you," she said to Harry. "I suggest keeping a low profile until you die next week." She sighed heavily.
"Low profile?" said Draco. "You're talking to Harry Potter! How in hell is he going to keep a low profile!"
Trelawney shrugged.
"So what exactly are you doing?" Harry asked.
"Erm, well, um….." Draco said, exchanging a nervous glance with Trelawney.
"Yes. We're developing, an, um, potion, that will…..erm, kill, the Dark Lord when he erm….. invades Hogwarts." Trelawney said, shifting her weight and trying to look convincing.
Harry looked to Draco. Draco nodded in agreement.
"Oh well, then, that's all right, I'll just go then." Harry picked up his broom and flew out of the window, wondering why he hadn't noticed it before.
"Great thinking, Prof," Draco said, high-fiving her.
"The inner eye is always prepared," she said, and winked.
"You….. weren't prepared for that, though," Draco said, bemused.
"Oh well….. fooey you ruining my smart answer. Why can't you be a good kid and swallow my words for once?" She said, stamping her foot like a stubborn child.
"Because if we did then we'd all think that we had the fake inner eye which is also known as ESP but no-one has that anyway," Draco muttered.
If you have been affected by any of the issues in this chapter, please call 1-800-SAVE-ME or 1-800-IM-THICK for instant advice on the matter. Calls charged at most extortionate rate possible and may last several hours. Subject to availability and tea-breaks.