Did you actually phone those numbers? HA! Erm, sorry. Keep reading! Sure, we love you! And, Merry Christmas! Soonish….
Disclaimer: Slim Fast is a registered trademark of someone somewhere. Like I care.
This chapter contains Dumbledore-torture. Shield your eyes.
Chapter 6: Bozos, Blunders and Baxi Boilers
Back at the Hogwarts kitchen…
"Now Dobby, put down the knife and step out of the boiler cupboard," Dumbledore said calmly. All the house-elves had gathered round.
"Dobby is upset, sir, because Winky doesn't love Dobby. But what house-elf would blame Winky? Winky is not going to get together with a self-harmer like Dobby, sir," Winky explained.
"But Winky is an alcoholic but Dobby has no problem!" Dobby said from inside the boiler.
Meanwhile…..
"…..and if there ever was one thing I wanted in my life it was Mione, she's like the answer to the test not to mention she looks good…..but no, I get stuck with a second hand broom while my best "friend" gets the girl, the fame, the broom and the last cheese puff! Nightmare!" Ron mumbled all the way back to the Forbidden Forest.
Harry's POV
(Lying flat on broom, five inches off the ground, going back along the corridor.) Embarrassment….. Hmmm, then again, she has said many things about me such as I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, and, oh yeah, I'm gonna die! Hey, that could be embarrassing. Oh no! I'M GOING TO DIE IN AN EMBARRASSING MANNER! That's possibly worse than just dying! I'm Harry Potter! I can't die an embarrassing death! It'll be all over the papers! (falls off broom in shock) (E/N Aisha's poor attempt at satire has been removed due to insensitivity.) After I die Ron will publish my diary, oh no! My life is over! Literally! Oh, wait…..I don't have a diary. Oh well.
Trelawney POV
Draco, ooh, Dracky Draco. Hehehe. (rubs hands together evilly)
Ron's POV
"…..and everyone says all is fair in love and war, but it's not! Nothing's fair so if they're unfair then I can be unfair. So what shall I do unfair first? Got it…..
Harry's POV
That's it. I have made my decision. (runs out gate waving hands around in an insane weirdo lost head sort of way).
2 hours later…...
(Standing at edge of cliff) I have had my time. Now I shall return to where I belong. To my mother and father. Now Voldemort can get on with his life. Ron can have Hermione. Hermione will have to live with it. Dumbledore can dance the funky chicken without me walking in on him…..erm, Uncle Vernon, yeah, he can set Marge's dogs on Dudley and…..um, Aunt Petunia can be open about her squibness. I AM READY! (Steps off cliff)
No-one's POV
An ant who had just witnessed Harry Potter committing suicide was about to go far. He walked up to a spider. "Did you hear, Harry Potter just committed suicide to benefit the world! How noble!" the ant squeaked to the spider. The spider went to his web and told his wife. And so, without realising, they started the world's biggest game of Chinese Whispers. The spider's wife told a horse. The horse told the mouse, the mouse told the cat, who told his relative the fox (E/N ? Foxes are DOGS Aisha, not cats.). The fox told the lion who told the cheetah who told the hyenas (who laughed) who told the armadillo (gasps for breath) who told Pongo who told his wife who told Cruella DeVil (E/N I have to tell you that in the original draft Aisha wrote Crewe Ladivel) who told her half sister's cousin's aunt's nephew (twice removed) who told Neville Longbottom's gran who told Neville who told HERMIONE! And so ended the worlds biggest game of Chinese Whispers (except no-one checked with the ant to see if the story was the same at the end…..) (E/N: The plot thickens, eh?)
Hermione's POV
(Sitting in corner of dorm) Why? Why? Why would Harry kill himself so that Father Christmas could lose weight? Maybe Slim Fast kidnapped him and told him to commit suicide in the name of Slim Fast (smart move, it seems to be more effective than advertising on ITV anyway.) WHY MY HARRY? People just wanted him for his fame! I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU HARRY! I LOVE YOU!
Ron's POV
(Sitting on a log in the forbidden forest) Now the bloody bastard E/N Now I see it Aisha….. it didn't say blood beast….. has gone and committed suicide! Attention seeker. Next thing you know Winky will be drinking herself dead.
Dobby's POV
(Standing in the middle of kitchen with the house-elves gathered round) Harry Potter sir was a great leader. A GREAT LEADER. Harry Potter sir will be remembered for all his good deeds. He fought until the end. Died for Father Christmas. In commemoration of Harry Potter sir, Dobby will install an new Baxi Combi Boiler. Hands on hearts house-elves. (Sings)
Oooh Harry can you see
How the house-elves love thee?
Baxi Boiler behold
In commemoration of the old….. (stops singing)
A minute silence for Harry Potter sir please (silence). Ok, back to work.
A/N: Please, in future, commemorate this sad day with a minute's silence (that's the 12th of November)
Elsewhere…..
Trelawney's POV
HE DIED! HE DIED! HE DIED! HE DIED! HE DIED! We did it, we did it, we did it…..hang on. ONE OF MY PREDICTIONS CAME TRUE! Ok, so it was a stab in the dark but hey! Still counts, eh? Trelawney, erm…..three, whoever else bothers to count, nil! (Does victory dance) Why the long face, Draco?
Draco's POV
(Comes out of reverie) Oh, erm…..it's just, now I don't have anyone to torture! My double life as an evil person has ended!
Trelawney's POV
Double? We thought you were all bad! Wait a minute….. this means I have no one to predict the death of! Nooooo! (Runs over to Draco and hugs him, then bursts into tears. Draco just sits and looks sad.)
Meanwhile…..
Hermione's POV
(Sitting on bed surrounded by wall of tissue boxes. Blows nose noisily.) Hi Video Diary. I'll just go straight to the point. Harry. Is. Dead (sob). He killed himself…..so that…..Father Christmas could lose weight. He was so selfless, my Harry. And I never got the chance to tell him how I felt! Oh, wait, maybe I did. (Turns off camera, accidentally hitting a tissue box and causing a small avalanche). Sigh.
Later…..
Hermione's POV
(sobbing in dorm) Me and my love will never meet again! Not even on the bonny bonny banks of Loch Lomond! (Starts to get into the song and begins to sing with so much feeling (and the window is open)) OOOOOH he took the high road and I took the low road and he got to heaven befooooooooore me (spot light comes on Hermione holding her heart) But me and me true love will NEVER MEET AGAIN because he's dead and IIIIIII'm not! (screaming and clapping, and Hermione runs over to window to see a crowd of people crying because they are so touched).
Draco's POV
Potter's really dead. Truly, madly and deeply. (Trelawney raises an eyebrow and says "Yeeees." The introduction of Truly, Madly, Deeply comes on. Draco starts clicking to the beat and swaying from side to side.). (Sings) Potter has fin'ly kicked the bucket and died, Now I am free and no one will nick the limelight off me….
Trelawney's POV
(joins in) The tears of joy that I have finally predicted the truth, Or made it happen whatever why are we singing this spoof?
Meanwhile, word has got to the press…..
Rita Skeeter's POV
(Once Rita's Quick Quotes Quill got burnt in a "tragic" accident, turns out reporting was on her doorstep for her smile ting (E/N I don't get it either…) )
(Standing outside Hogwarts with camera crew and microphone) We are about to get a glimpse of Harry's life before he died. Yes! I repeat, HARRY POTTER HAS DIED. Word is that he died for the world and committed suicide. There was an eyewitness at the time that we are still trying to contact. This is Rita Skeeter reporting for Wizarding World JKR at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Meanwhile over in the Muggle world…..
Trevor McDonald's POV
(E/N – What the hell is he doing here?) Oh my god! Harry Potter is dead! I feel too strongly about this. After all I am a wizard.
2 days later..…
Tonight on Panorama, I confess who I really am. A WIZARD. And I ask, "How did Harry Potter die?" For the wizarding world or another publicity stunt? (Panorama theme tune comes on) Tonight, Albus Dumbledore, Head of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and all time great and the only one that You-Know-Who is scared of, joins us in the studio. Dumbledore, tell us, do you know who did this? (Dumbledore says "No.") Oh. Ok. Moving on….. Do you think that Harry died for "us" or for his fame? (Dumbledore looks blankly at him. He says, "I do not think I am at liberty to discuss this.") Oh. So you do know? Tell us, then. (The camera does a close up of Trevor's face, and there is a small buzzing noise in the background.) Tell us. Now.
Dumbledore's POV
(The camera pans out and we see Dumbledore tied to a chair, with his hair and beard standing on end, and a few wisps of smoke rising.) I will not be tortured for your ratings, Trevor. I think I made it perfectly clear that I (Buzzing noise comes back) That I would…..buzz NOT tell you buzz that Harry Potter died the audience gasps FOR FATHER CHRISTMAS. That was what the idiot Longbottom told me, anyway.
Trevor McDonald's POV
Father Christmas. Iiiiinteresting. (He unties Dumbledore with his wand) Do you know why he would - ACK! (Falls backwards over chair, gets up immediately and starts dancing around, the camera pans out to show Dumbledore standing up with his wand pointing at Trevor.) A Tarantallegra jinx. How very amusing. Impedi…..YAAAAAHAHAHA OOOOOWCH! (Dumbledore hits him with another jinx - some of the audience boo, others cheer and some run for the exit. Dumbledore looks Trevor in the eye and says, "I always knew there was something….odd about you, Trevor." There is a big flash of light and Trevor is suspended in mid-air, then there is a loud crack and he disappears. The audience gasps.) Ribbet. (Hops around a bit) Ribbet ribbet.
Dumbledore's POV
Yes indeed, Trevor. Now let's be getting you back to Hogwarts and to Mr Longbottom where you belong. (He turns to the audience) Thank you. I have nothing more to say, other than: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! OBLIVIATE! (He disapparates with Trevor McDonald the toad)
Meanwhile…..
Father Christmas's POV
(Talking to elf) What? Harry Potter is DEAD? He died for ME? Why would he die for me? He wasn't even a believer! (Elf gabbles some more) He died to help me lose weight? What the hell? Can't he see my weight problem is part of who I am? That I wouldn't be Father Christmas if I couldn't pat my ample stomach and say Ho Ho Ho! in a fatherly yet intimidating way? IDIOT BOY! Let's go and find him, Rudolph!
Ooooooh! How can Santa find someone who is dead? Will he find someone who is dead? Are we evil enough to let Harry die? Find out next time (if Aisha gets the story)
Suicide is a serious matter. Talk to someone. Preferably not us.