Oooh kept you hanging there didn't we. See Aisha has moved schools so the story is progressing by mail but I have better ahem more productive things to do with my time so I keep forgetting to write/send/read the story, and nobody's heard ANYTHING from Aisha in at least 6 months. We're scared.

Disclaimer: Santa exists. We cannot be held responsible for sudden changes in the seasonal beliefs of small children. All characters in this story are fictional. Any resemblance to any creature living, dead, corporeal or existing by belief (e.g. Jesus) is completely coincidental.

Chapter 7: Halfwits, Heaven and Heartache

Rudolph's POV

(Sings) Dashing through the sky, on a one reindeer open sleigh, over clouds we go, laughing…..

Santa's POV

Am I lauging, Rudolph? Do I look like I'm laughing? No. STOP! There's the cliff! DOWN, Rudolph!

Harry's POV

(Lying on beach at bottom of cliff) Oooh! A red light…..can't reach…..can't move arms…..is getting closer…..is Rudolph? SANTA? What the hell. (Sleigh skids to a halt next to Harry) Uh….have I been here that long? Is it Christmas already? Is it always Christmas in heaven?

Santa's POV

No no no, it's not Christmas, it's a publicity disaster! What were you thinking, trying to kill yourself for me? Can't you see my weight problem is a part of me? (He starts a loooong lecture about body image)

Ten minutes later…..

Harry's POV

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz……………

Santa's POV

Good, he's asleep. Let's put him on the sleigh, Rudolph, and get him to hospital.

Meanwhile…...

Dumbledore's POV

Here we are, Trevor. (Performs spell to prevent him from transforming back to human form and places the toad inside the Gryffindor Common Room) Now on to more pressing matters… (he opens the door to his office) Hmm. Draughty in here, isn't it Fawkes? (He looks to the window to see it smashed, and amongst the broken glass lies a can of SlimFast.) No! Wait! HARRY! (runs out of office and straight into Malfoy and Trelawney).

Malfoy's POV

Odd. Maybe the incense from your room is making me hallucinate, Prof T.

Trelawney's POV

Yeah. It can do that. It's how most of the predictions happen…. (They watch Dumbledore run out of the castle)

Dumbledore's POV

(Appears outside St Mungo's) Yes! He's here! (Runs inside and to Harry's ward) Harry! You've had us all so worried! We thought you were…

Harry's POV

Dead, yes. That was the point. But what's this jerk doing here? (Motions towards Santa, who looks offended and so produces a small, red wooden spinning top and hands it to Harry, who throws it out the window.)

Dumbledore's POV

Huh? Oh. Didn't you er… jump off the cliff… so that… Father Christmas here could lose weight? I found a can of SlimFast on my desk. And I had heard from the students that you had died… to advertise SlimFast… in a way.

Harry's POV

(looks confused) I died because… I didn't want to die an embarrassing death. But I guess this whole resurrection thing is just a tad more embarrassing. I'm going to the bathroom.

Five minutes later…

(Returns to the ward to see Dumbledore attacking Father Christmas, and copious amounts of white beard littering the floor) Uh… guys… they said I can go home… whatever (leaves hospital).

Back to Hogwarts…

Hermione's POV

How can I go on? Harry is still dead! I can't live without him! I know, I will commit suicide as well! I will jump in the lake, for my Romeo is dead, and we shall be joined forever in the afterlife.

A few hours later, after dark…

(creeps out of the castle to see Draco doing sound and light checks on a big stage on the Quidditch pitch.) Romeo, Romeo, forever gone art thou Romeo!

Harry's POV

(Runs past Draco's stage) What the hell? (Keeps running) (A light from the stage shines straight out on the grounds, casting an eerie glow around Hermione, and a heavenly "aaaaaaaaa" sounds from the stage A/N-Think cheesy movie peeps) HERMIONE! WAIT!

Hermione's POV

Harry? Harry? HARRY! (She runs towards him in slow motion, and Draco starts rehearsing a song with a soppy violin intro) Romeo! Thou hast come back for me! (Hugs Harry) YOU'RE ALIVE! (Draco hears this and stops dead, swearing into the microphone)

Harry's POV

(Runs straight into Hermione and knocks her over) Yeah, yeah, I'm alive, so what. (Helps Hermione up) So what did I miss while I was dead?

Hermione's POV

(They start walking back to the castle) Uh… the house-elves put in a new boiler for you… Ron's gone crazy, won't stop muttering, Draco and Trelawney are up to something… Nothing much, really (Draco starts singing "How Can I Live Without You")

Harry's POV

Freak. Why does he think he can sing anyway? (Someone carrying a huge box runs into Harry, and the box breaks in a flash of…) Atchoo! Talcum powder? (The person apologises and walks on. Ron comes round out of the castle).

Hermione's POV

Hey, Ron, what's up? You look like you've seen a…

Ron's POV

GHOST! HARRY'S A GHOST! AAAAAAARRRHHH!

Hermione's POV

No… Ron… wait! It's not a ghost! It's… come back! (He runs back inside.) Dammit.

Ron's POV

(Bursts in through castle doors) G-G-G-GHOST! (He drops to the floor, curls up, and rolls from side to side, trying to look disturbed, then realises that all the teachers are watching him. He stops rolling and lies curled up in the middle of the floor, twitching).

McGonagall's POV

Mr Weasley! What on earth are you on about? (Harry and Hermione burst in) Miss Granger! Mr… Mr… P-Potter? Wha… why… aren't you dead?

Dumbledore's POV

(Comes bursting into castle, trying to arrange his beard so the bald patches don't show) I can explain everything! (Everyone turns and stares) Ah, Mr Potter. I thought I'd find you here. Yes, he is alive, and contrary to popular belief, did not kill himself for Father Christmas. He killed himself so that he would die an embarrassing death. Ironic, isn't it, Mr Potter? Anyway, there are things I must attend to – Harry, there is a toad in your dormitory that may want an interview. Goodnight all! (Walks away. Everyone watches him until he is out of sight.)

McGonagall's POV

Well….that's, uh…cleared that up a bit…Welcome back to the world of the living, Harry. There is some transfiguration homework for you on my desk. Goodnight! (Walks off in an oddly similar direction to Dumbledore…)

Eeeeeew! Will someone catch our loved-up professors "at it", or was it all just some over-excited imaginations? And what happened to our dear friend Ron? Will someone make Hermione stop speaking in Shakespeare? And what will the FTSE do tomorrow?

Tune in next time….It's the one where Aisha comes back!